Ask HN: My lack of dating prospects is severly impacting my career. What to do?
25 comments
Hey friend I'm so deeply sorry you're feeling this way. I'm sad to say that I can relate to what you've described. I think a lot of people can, both men and women. Loneliness was a problem before the pandemic, now jeez man it's a real issue.
It could be that the way you're feeling extends beyond your romantic problems and you're suffering from depression. You might want to consider talking with a therapist about that. I never did, but I read a book called Feeling Great by David Burns and found it helpful.
As far as dating goes I would caution you about telling yourself too many stories about why you're single - these are likely to be just what they sound like, stories. Most people you meet aren't going to be romantically attracted to you, and thats ok! Thats part of being human.
Something that I found helped me to feel a little less negative while searching (almost entirely online for me) was to think of the person on the other end of the screen, and how even though we might not be a very good match they were probably also having a pretty bad time in the app and even if I couldn't see any end in sight to my loneliness I could extend some human kindness to these people and try to make that one experience a little better for them.
For me that was a real turning point. I found online dating easier and the rejection less painful. I also met someone really special shortly after that.
Another thing that makes me feel better when I'm lonely or feeling down in general is helping people. Especially anonymously, and with no way of them knowing it was you or returning the favor. Give it a try - it's delightful.
Hopefully something in there was useful. Even if not, I feel for you. And I care about what happens to you. Just because you feel this way today doesn't mean you'll always feel this way.
Take care friend.
It could be that the way you're feeling extends beyond your romantic problems and you're suffering from depression. You might want to consider talking with a therapist about that. I never did, but I read a book called Feeling Great by David Burns and found it helpful.
As far as dating goes I would caution you about telling yourself too many stories about why you're single - these are likely to be just what they sound like, stories. Most people you meet aren't going to be romantically attracted to you, and thats ok! Thats part of being human.
Something that I found helped me to feel a little less negative while searching (almost entirely online for me) was to think of the person on the other end of the screen, and how even though we might not be a very good match they were probably also having a pretty bad time in the app and even if I couldn't see any end in sight to my loneliness I could extend some human kindness to these people and try to make that one experience a little better for them.
For me that was a real turning point. I found online dating easier and the rejection less painful. I also met someone really special shortly after that.
Another thing that makes me feel better when I'm lonely or feeling down in general is helping people. Especially anonymously, and with no way of them knowing it was you or returning the favor. Give it a try - it's delightful.
Hopefully something in there was useful. Even if not, I feel for you. And I care about what happens to you. Just because you feel this way today doesn't mean you'll always feel this way.
Take care friend.
If you need it, they will know it and their attraction wanes. Being happy with yourself is the first step to being happy in a relationship. Working on self improvement is the best first step. That could be getting in shape, gaining confidence, etc. If you dont know why previous people have lost interest, ask them for their honest feedback. Ask your friends heat they think too.
It doesn't hurt to try dating during the time you are working on yourself. Try internet dating and go out with anyone even close to your standards. If it doesnt work out, at least you had some nice conversation and you might be able to ask them for feedback too.
I'll probably get some flack for this. You could try joining a pick up artist group/forum/etc. Just remember the cardinal rule: always leave them better than how you found them.
It doesn't hurt to try dating during the time you are working on yourself. Try internet dating and go out with anyone even close to your standards. If it doesnt work out, at least you had some nice conversation and you might be able to ask them for feedback too.
I'll probably get some flack for this. You could try joining a pick up artist group/forum/etc. Just remember the cardinal rule: always leave them better than how you found them.
Hi. I'm sorry you're going through this; it's a tough one.
There's another "Ask HN" going on right now: "How do I get fit as a software engineer" [0]. My suggestions would be to start working on yourself. Getting fit/physical exercise will immediately produce beneficial physical and emotional changes. When I started working out I immediately felt more confident (as an example). It will also get you out of your head a little bit.
I don't have any dating advice, other than stop actively looking. Something about the smell of desperation is a turn off. Meet people organically.
The pandemics is a difficult time to look for romance, best of luck.
[0]: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=28561238
There's another "Ask HN" going on right now: "How do I get fit as a software engineer" [0]. My suggestions would be to start working on yourself. Getting fit/physical exercise will immediately produce beneficial physical and emotional changes. When I started working out I immediately felt more confident (as an example). It will also get you out of your head a little bit.
I don't have any dating advice, other than stop actively looking. Something about the smell of desperation is a turn off. Meet people organically.
The pandemics is a difficult time to look for romance, best of luck.
[0]: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=28561238
Read and internalize "Mate" by Tucker Max (search for ISBN 9780316349437 on Amazon, no affiliation). I read it when I was already happily maried. But this is the book I wish I read when I was about your age and that I seriously consider giving to my now 13-year old son as soon as he reaches the appropriate age. And assuming he will accept that kind of advice from his father off course :) I also enjoyed the accompanying podcast that you may find here: https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/the-mating-grounds-pod...
100% you should direct your energies on working out, perfecting your hygiene, and eating quality foods/natural supplements.
This is going to force your body and mind to rise to the occasion. You’ll feel the power start to build after forcing yourself a few times.
Next I would recommend a microdose of mushrooms before a walk on a trail on a Sunday morning. Get slightly out of your normal headspace and all these things that are conditioned on your psyche. You’ll feel clean mentally.
You both are and are not your thoughts at any point in time. Remember that.
This is going to force your body and mind to rise to the occasion. You’ll feel the power start to build after forcing yourself a few times.
Next I would recommend a microdose of mushrooms before a walk on a trail on a Sunday morning. Get slightly out of your normal headspace and all these things that are conditioned on your psyche. You’ll feel clean mentally.
You both are and are not your thoughts at any point in time. Remember that.
I cannot edit my OP.
I want to say thank you to all that have replied and given me suggestions.
To give some background. I made the post yesterday after I was rejected by some girl after she had heightened my hopes so much. To be honest, I even contemplated suicide yesterday. The weirdest thing just happened today. She changed her mind and we had a really fun day long date.
I know I still have issues being focused on my career without getting distracted from whatever is happening in my private life. Thank you all for chipping in and showing support.
I want to say thank you to all that have replied and given me suggestions.
To give some background. I made the post yesterday after I was rejected by some girl after she had heightened my hopes so much. To be honest, I even contemplated suicide yesterday. The weirdest thing just happened today. She changed her mind and we had a really fun day long date.
I know I still have issues being focused on my career without getting distracted from whatever is happening in my private life. Thank you all for chipping in and showing support.
It's great to know you've had a date. What a difference a day makes.
Here are my two cents. Get into good enough physical condition to look
presentable for your body type in a tight shirt, not to impress or
outdo anyone but just as a baseline demonstration that you're in
charge of yourself. Get rid of any clothing you've had for more than
five years and form a habit of being reasonably well groomed all the
time, not just on dates. That's one of those habits like making your
bed every day even if no one sees it but you. Attend social events
where there are single women in abundance, which probably aren't
paintball or LAN parties or whatever you're doing that's not
working. Don't join a church just to get dates, but if you're already
in one then be the guy who dishes out the lasagna at the next
smorgasbord. Compared to real life meetups, dating sites and apps are
a sucker's game because you're competing for attention with thousands
of other guys and are way too easily dismissed. That's like trying to
get a job by sending your CV through HR. Don't come crashing down
again if this latest thing doesn't work out. You're still young and
very eligible with a good career, so lose the desperate vibe and learn
to affect an air of casual indifference in your approach. BTW, not
having sex for too long can make your mind play tricks on you, so
don't neglect it. If you start having self-destructive or fatalistic
thoughts, consider an escort service as something like a defibrillator
for your brain.
Hello,
i think millions of people experience this, so nothing to be ashamed of.
> I have no social life either. A big problem is that I very rarely meet women, despite going out loads and trying my best to be social.
This seems like a contradiction.
I guess you have been told this countless times, but stop searching.
Do stuff you want to do, try differrent sports, travel, arts through meetups or clubs. Join a charity.
If you do interesting stuff you have interesting stories to tell and that's what mskes you interesting. Be the man you want to be and the rest will hopefully come into place.
i think millions of people experience this, so nothing to be ashamed of.
> I have no social life either. A big problem is that I very rarely meet women, despite going out loads and trying my best to be social.
This seems like a contradiction.
I guess you have been told this countless times, but stop searching.
Do stuff you want to do, try differrent sports, travel, arts through meetups or clubs. Join a charity.
If you do interesting stuff you have interesting stories to tell and that's what mskes you interesting. Be the man you want to be and the rest will hopefully come into place.
Came here to say this myself. Do awesome stuff, and you will attract awesome people.
You don't have to be the world's best in the thing you pursue either, to get noticed. For many hobbies and interests, there is a scene. And there are so many ways to contribute to that scene, such as helping arrange events or arranging your own. This will put you on the radar among a lot of people, and shine positive light on you.
You don't have to be the world's best in the thing you pursue either, to get noticed. For many hobbies and interests, there is a scene. And there are so many ways to contribute to that scene, such as helping arrange events or arranging your own. This will put you on the radar among a lot of people, and shine positive light on you.
What are awesome stuff? (I am asking sincerely).
Awesome doesn't mean you have to do extreme stuff.
You are doing it for yourself, so no need to climb the Himalaya or swim from France to England If you are not into it.
I recently thought about what i would like to do if i was single again without a family and it would be: - try sailing (an organized trip or learning with a course)
- cycle through italy
- take part in a cheap car rally
- buy an old motorcycle and ride from europe to iran
But everyone wants different things
I recently thought about what i would like to do if i was single again without a family and it would be: - try sailing (an organized trip or learning with a course)
- cycle through italy
- take part in a cheap car rally
- buy an old motorcycle and ride from europe to iran
But everyone wants different things
Fully agree with this.
The more personal a problem is.. the more common it is, lol.
The more personal a problem is.. the more common it is, lol.
I know you're attributing lack of motivation and loneliness to lack of romantic success... but it might just be a symptom of a deeper issue. I say that because I can relate a little, I have no issue getting romantic partners, but I get bored easily and I'm inherently a lonely person - even when in a relationship!!
I would recommend being unapologetically you - do what you love outside of work and, I promise, you'll meet someone at your level of weird. Don't be ashamed.
I would recommend being unapologetically you - do what you love outside of work and, I promise, you'll meet someone at your level of weird. Don't be ashamed.
- looks dont matter, but being presentable helps
- are you even capable of having and keeping friends, that's the baseline. not only of the same sex but also opposite sex. maybe you're putting them on pedestal, or not really valuing them, instead of treating them like humans.
- ask yourself if you're really putting effort in building relationships, or just trying to extract something out of it. are you getting to know them on a personal level? their interests and disinterests? are you chill and fun to be around, or tensed and stuck-up? are you consistent?
- fundamentals: are you observing proper hygiene? exercising or physically active regularly? getting enough sunlight? eating enough meats and veggies? are you consistently exploring the breadth and depth of things around your life?
- this post is cool, you're asking for ideas and feedback. as long as you're proactively taking action, continuously reflecting, and minimizing the times you're self-pitying, eventually you'll figure it out. would take months or years sure, but you'll get there.
- are you even capable of having and keeping friends, that's the baseline. not only of the same sex but also opposite sex. maybe you're putting them on pedestal, or not really valuing them, instead of treating them like humans.
- ask yourself if you're really putting effort in building relationships, or just trying to extract something out of it. are you getting to know them on a personal level? their interests and disinterests? are you chill and fun to be around, or tensed and stuck-up? are you consistent?
- fundamentals: are you observing proper hygiene? exercising or physically active regularly? getting enough sunlight? eating enough meats and veggies? are you consistently exploring the breadth and depth of things around your life?
- this post is cool, you're asking for ideas and feedback. as long as you're proactively taking action, continuously reflecting, and minimizing the times you're self-pitying, eventually you'll figure it out. would take months or years sure, but you'll get there.
> eating enough meats and veggies?
What?
What?
a shitty diet can f-up your brain chemistry
I can totally relate with that, at the end of the day we need that special connection. I also just felt obsessing over that before I met my girlfriend.
You should meet more people. Just get to know them, until someone just clicks.
A LOT of people are in your situation men, women, new and old, pretty and ugly...
A friend of mine recently had success with online dating websites. He met a 25 year old blond, that you would say she would not have any problem meeting guys. But that's the current days, difficult to meet people. A lot of young people are looking for meaningfully connections. Friendship or love
I would avoid gyms, bars, and night clubs to meet people. Try more organized activities that promote individual and group, interaction and discussion. Like [meetup.com] or similar events websites: coding events, philosophy, social, boardgames, movie watch and discussion...
You should meet more people. Just get to know them, until someone just clicks.
A LOT of people are in your situation men, women, new and old, pretty and ugly...
A friend of mine recently had success with online dating websites. He met a 25 year old blond, that you would say she would not have any problem meeting guys. But that's the current days, difficult to meet people. A lot of young people are looking for meaningfully connections. Friendship or love
I would avoid gyms, bars, and night clubs to meet people. Try more organized activities that promote individual and group, interaction and discussion. Like [meetup.com] or similar events websites: coding events, philosophy, social, boardgames, movie watch and discussion...
Work isn’t everything. So take a sabbatical and find what your true love.
Sorry to read that.
You sound like someone I might know. I hope I'm wrong, if I'm not please reach out.
Trick is, you have to be satisfied with yourself first and be happy living alone without setting any expectations upon yourself. Only then you can start searching for a partner who will further improve your life. There is no silver bullet, because this is a process and every person has to find solution by him/herself.
Have you tried multiple different activities even if you had no prior experience?
For example: animal shelters are really happy if someone comes by and offers to walk the dogs. You get to experience new things and possibly meet new people during the walks.
Try to search for activities where you are forced to spend some time with other people without any romantic agenda. Like sports activities, impro theater, Toastmasters communities etc.
You sound like someone I might know. I hope I'm wrong, if I'm not please reach out.
Trick is, you have to be satisfied with yourself first and be happy living alone without setting any expectations upon yourself. Only then you can start searching for a partner who will further improve your life. There is no silver bullet, because this is a process and every person has to find solution by him/herself.
Have you tried multiple different activities even if you had no prior experience?
For example: animal shelters are really happy if someone comes by and offers to walk the dogs. You get to experience new things and possibly meet new people during the walks.
Try to search for activities where you are forced to spend some time with other people without any romantic agenda. Like sports activities, impro theater, Toastmasters communities etc.
Useful advice from my uncle: "Ugly women have p*ssies too."
Hi,
Nothing to be ashamed of. My email address is in my profile. Please get in touch.
Nothing to be ashamed of. My email address is in my profile. Please get in touch.
> I need the intimacy that is only present within a romantic relationship.
Why do you think that?
Why do you think that?
You don’t need a social life to have a relationship with a woman. I am 30+, still don’t have a social life, but always a relationship. How?
Brute force method.
Increase your search space, search online too, there are many apps like thaifriendly, brute force tinder with a bash script (2000 likes a day) etc. You will have lots of matches, most won’t really talk but eventually it’s jackpot. Try increasing distance and age range too, you are playing lottery. If you are very lazy, consider mail order bride or write an inmate.
I don’t have advice on maintaining a relationship, but this will get you laid.
Don’t talk to them about depression, loneliness or negative topics, avoid talking about sex too. If they ask, you are single for 1.5 year. Don’t worry, everybody lies.
As for depression and suicidal thoughts, talk with a psychologist about that.
Brute force method.
Increase your search space, search online too, there are many apps like thaifriendly, brute force tinder with a bash script (2000 likes a day) etc. You will have lots of matches, most won’t really talk but eventually it’s jackpot. Try increasing distance and age range too, you are playing lottery. If you are very lazy, consider mail order bride or write an inmate.
I don’t have advice on maintaining a relationship, but this will get you laid.
Don’t talk to them about depression, loneliness or negative topics, avoid talking about sex too. If they ask, you are single for 1.5 year. Don’t worry, everybody lies.
As for depression and suicidal thoughts, talk with a psychologist about that.
Take a thousand dollars of your salary per month and use it to hire a private health coach / personal trainer. Someone that can tell you how to workout and how to eat. Do this for 6 months and you will be in the best shape of your life, which will solve your immediate problem of getting rejected. It will also give you the confidence to not get so emotionally distraught if you are rejected.
There is no code to being successful at dating, only the knowledge that comes from experience. The sooner you can get experience, the sooner you’ll make mistakes and learn from them.
There is no code to being successful at dating, only the knowledge that comes from experience. The sooner you can get experience, the sooner you’ll make mistakes and learn from them.
I am very lonely. I need the intimacy that is only present within a romantic relationship. But I cannot have that. I do not know why, but I cannot manage to attract any woman. Unfortunately I have lots of things playing against me. I am extremely unremarkable in both appearance and character, and to top it off I am also a foreigner in a strange land (a career move). I have no social life either. A big problem is that I very rarely meet women, despite going out loads and trying my best to be social. My standards are not high, but despite this I meet a good prospect maybe twice a year. 95% of the time it is an instant rejection. 5% of the time, they lose interest after a very short time. I wish I could know why.
Because of this, I have no will to live anymore. I am 30 and have never experienced mutual love. I feel like a slave working for the benefit of others, but not for myself. I could not care less about the money. I have no use for it. I am not materialistic at all.
The depression and total lack of motivation from this issue has already hurt my career in the past. I just do not know what to do. I feel like I have no good options. I cannot take the thoughts out of my head.