Ask HN: Resources for how to be a first-time dad
Tech forum, I know. But I've seen some of the most earnest advice here. So what books or materials should an about-to-be-dad consume?
11 comments
There is a blog post on the Art of Manliness about how to fall asleep in 2 minutes based on research done during WWII to help pilots rest [0]. You can begin training now so the middle of the night feedings, etc. can be handled easier.
Beyond life saving things, like prevention of SIDS for example, there are a ton of books out there with different tips or techniques on raising a child. Treat them like you would someone telling you about a new software development process: there might be some stuff that might apply, some of it just doesn't matter or work for your situation.
As time goes on realize your child is their own person. They may not have the same interests or beliefs as you do and that should be okay.
Other practical things: instead of toy/clothes gifts from relatives, setup a college/savings fund and an easy way for them to put money in it as gifts. Don't go overboard on clothes for the first 18-24 months. Keep a couple sentimental things if that's your style but they outgrow clothes sometimes surpassing sizes before they even wear them.
[0] https://www.artofmanliness.com/articles/fall-asleep-fast/
Beyond life saving things, like prevention of SIDS for example, there are a ton of books out there with different tips or techniques on raising a child. Treat them like you would someone telling you about a new software development process: there might be some stuff that might apply, some of it just doesn't matter or work for your situation.
As time goes on realize your child is their own person. They may not have the same interests or beliefs as you do and that should be okay.
Other practical things: instead of toy/clothes gifts from relatives, setup a college/savings fund and an easy way for them to put money in it as gifts. Don't go overboard on clothes for the first 18-24 months. Keep a couple sentimental things if that's your style but they outgrow clothes sometimes surpassing sizes before they even wear them.
[0] https://www.artofmanliness.com/articles/fall-asleep-fast/
Look,
The advice I say for the new parents and seems to be helpful is:
"Hang on there until 3-4 month"
What I mean.
The baby is adapting to the parents and the parents are adapting to the baby. Until you learn to take "shifts" [1] and learn how the baby communicates[2] and its sleep pattern[3] set will take some time.
[1] - At beginning both parents will be awake but then you realize that you can't be awake all the time and there is no need to both be awake and tired then you start to make some "shifts".
[2] - Is cry for change diapers? hungry? scared?
[3] - Mostly at 3rd month the baby is already sleeping 6-8h continuous then you will start to have a "full" sleep.
The important thing is: the firsts months are hard adaptation and you may fight with your spouse because of stress.
"Hang in there" it will get better.
You will be amazing father
The advice I say for the new parents and seems to be helpful is:
"Hang on there until 3-4 month"
What I mean.
The baby is adapting to the parents and the parents are adapting to the baby. Until you learn to take "shifts" [1] and learn how the baby communicates[2] and its sleep pattern[3] set will take some time.
[1] - At beginning both parents will be awake but then you realize that you can't be awake all the time and there is no need to both be awake and tired then you start to make some "shifts".
[2] - Is cry for change diapers? hungry? scared?
[3] - Mostly at 3rd month the baby is already sleeping 6-8h continuous then you will start to have a "full" sleep.
The important thing is: the firsts months are hard adaptation and you may fight with your spouse because of stress.
"Hang in there" it will get better.
You will be amazing father
I never found any decent resources, just lots of click-bait. These were my key takaways though:
- You will freak out about everything as a new parent (feeding, prams, weight, learning). By your second you will take everything in your stride. With good reason. Just bear it in mind.
- Dont be overly protective, it will backfire, kids will get scrapes, fall, will be constantly sick. So did you. Dont worry. Also dont worry about being a perfect parent / finding the perfect school etc. This tends top backfrire too. Just be a good dad, -put in the time, put in the effort.
- Let kids play with other kids. Kids are learning, so dont freak out when another kid is mean or whatever. Make time to play with them yourself. Encourage them but never force them to be your definition of a success.
- Kids learn FAST and they ENJOY it. Seriously. So feed them with knowledge! You can teach latin to a toddler. Kid loves mops? Show him how to make a mop at home. Loves getting dirty? Let them do do your garden. Loves the motorbike, teach em how to change the oil! Dont shy away from complex learning, build hobbies.
- Phones are crack to kids, especially youtube. Which is a shame as its also great for learning. Best to severely limit.
- Use basic psychology tricks. Eg you can limit reading to 30 mins before bed when very young so its a treat thats looked forward to. Use diversion tactics.
- Dont fall for basic psychology tricks. Dont override your spouse, present a joint front. Dont let them use embarasment as a weapon in public.
- When you first buy a car seat internalise the way to tie it to the seatbelt properly so you dont have to try and remember every time you put it back.
Kids are great fun. Enjoy
- You will freak out about everything as a new parent (feeding, prams, weight, learning). By your second you will take everything in your stride. With good reason. Just bear it in mind.
- Dont be overly protective, it will backfire, kids will get scrapes, fall, will be constantly sick. So did you. Dont worry. Also dont worry about being a perfect parent / finding the perfect school etc. This tends top backfrire too. Just be a good dad, -put in the time, put in the effort.
- Let kids play with other kids. Kids are learning, so dont freak out when another kid is mean or whatever. Make time to play with them yourself. Encourage them but never force them to be your definition of a success.
- Kids learn FAST and they ENJOY it. Seriously. So feed them with knowledge! You can teach latin to a toddler. Kid loves mops? Show him how to make a mop at home. Loves getting dirty? Let them do do your garden. Loves the motorbike, teach em how to change the oil! Dont shy away from complex learning, build hobbies.
- Phones are crack to kids, especially youtube. Which is a shame as its also great for learning. Best to severely limit.
- Use basic psychology tricks. Eg you can limit reading to 30 mins before bed when very young so its a treat thats looked forward to. Use diversion tactics.
- Dont fall for basic psychology tricks. Dont override your spouse, present a joint front. Dont let them use embarasment as a weapon in public.
- When you first buy a car seat internalise the way to tie it to the seatbelt properly so you dont have to try and remember every time you put it back.
Kids are great fun. Enjoy
[deleted]
Having 3 children:
There is no magic secret. Sometimes you do great at something and sometimes you fail.
- read the book “Baby Wise”
- home is much more important than work or money. Do Not forget this.
- you wife will have a lot going on physically, mentally, and emotionally. Take as much of the “burden” as you can when the baby is first born.
- Do Not forget weekly date nights. I repeat...make sure you ALWAYS have weekly date night with your spouse. The child and your marriage will thank you for this.
- your wife has A LOT going on with her during pregnancy. Tell her daily that you love her, appreciate her, and thank her for being your wife. And...tell her she is beautiful every day - this is important.
- Your life will get A LOT busier. Share the house chore, and make time for each other.
- Children are a lot easier to raise compared to managing your marriage with a child.
- and last...have FUN! They grow SO FAST!
- read the book “Baby Wise”
- home is much more important than work or money. Do Not forget this.
- you wife will have a lot going on physically, mentally, and emotionally. Take as much of the “burden” as you can when the baby is first born.
- Do Not forget weekly date nights. I repeat...make sure you ALWAYS have weekly date night with your spouse. The child and your marriage will thank you for this.
- your wife has A LOT going on with her during pregnancy. Tell her daily that you love her, appreciate her, and thank her for being your wife. And...tell her she is beautiful every day - this is important.
- Your life will get A LOT busier. Share the house chore, and make time for each other.
- Children are a lot easier to raise compared to managing your marriage with a child.
- and last...have FUN! They grow SO FAST!
Do a search, there was a thread on this yesterday and another a couple days before that. The summary is read a book or two but be ready to adapt to your babies individual needs. Prepare to lose any semblance of hobbies or personal time, and say goodbye to a good nights sleep. Oh also your significant other and yourself will almost definitely experience a significant mental health decline within the first 6 months, so I hope you guys already have figured out how to support each other because thinking rationally and building new relationship habits with only 5 hours of sleep a night is a struggle.
Edit: It is also super cool to watch a new person discover the world. Enjoy your time with them!
Edit: It is also super cool to watch a new person discover the world. Enjoy your time with them!
Congratulations! Short answer ... kids do not want stuff nearly as much as they want to spend TIME with you.
The 'what to expect ... ' series is great techie style. Plain spoken. Explains limits on both sides...
They have one for before the baby.
And another for the first few years. Common problem, my child is age x months but has not started walking / talking.
Great for the calming the nerves
The 'what to expect ... ' series is great techie style. Plain spoken. Explains limits on both sides...
They have one for before the baby.
And another for the first few years. Common problem, my child is age x months but has not started walking / talking.
Great for the calming the nerves
I mostly just googled stuff when I thought either, "I should learn more about [topic, like SIDS or how to setup nursery]" or "Is [action, like how much food they eat] normal for [age] baby". Googling and using resources like the Mayo clinic or similar can give you multiple perspectives to consider.
I posted to a similar question a few days ago. There is one book I would recommend.
Read Bringing Up Bébé: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting. The chapter on sleep cycles is important.
Read Bringing Up Bébé: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting. The chapter on sleep cycles is important.
https://fatherhood.gov/. Ideas in there to expand on.
How to think like a Roman Emperor.