Ask HN: How do people working remotely prevent interruptions from family?
Software engineers in particular really need to focus on their work. Even background noise can be quite distracting.
26 comments
I'm working remotely and have a 10yo and no separate room to work in. I have headphones and at the beginning of the pandemic I set up Minecraft and other multiplayer games and messaging services for him and got him a lot of books.
The biggest thing that has worked for me is to preempt interruptions by giving him quality attention at mealtimes and during times when I "come up for air" between deep dives. I also make a point to get up from the chair periodically, and I take those times to give him a pat on the shoulder or a hug or something.
To a kid deep concentration can look a lot like anger. I make a point to respond to him in some fashion whenever he reaches out - give him a hug or something emotional and nonverbal. A lot of these interactions are just to show him that I'm there, I'm not angry. This low-level emotional stuff usually doesn't take me out of my front-brain programming head-space.
I used to worry that I wasn't always having "real" conversions with him. He'd jabber about whatever and I'd give "uh-huh" and "that's cool" answers. But I realized a lot of that is what linguists call phatic communication. What he seems to want from those conversations was a sense of connection rather than actual deep conversation. It would be a problem if we never connected, but as long as we had some quality time it seems okay if some of our conversations are on "autopilot".
I also talk about my work with him. For me it's like having a "rubber ducky" convo and he tells me it sounds like Star Trek technobabble. It gives him a sense that I'm doing complicated things inside my head but I still care about him.
The biggest thing that has worked for me is to preempt interruptions by giving him quality attention at mealtimes and during times when I "come up for air" between deep dives. I also make a point to get up from the chair periodically, and I take those times to give him a pat on the shoulder or a hug or something.
To a kid deep concentration can look a lot like anger. I make a point to respond to him in some fashion whenever he reaches out - give him a hug or something emotional and nonverbal. A lot of these interactions are just to show him that I'm there, I'm not angry. This low-level emotional stuff usually doesn't take me out of my front-brain programming head-space.
I used to worry that I wasn't always having "real" conversions with him. He'd jabber about whatever and I'd give "uh-huh" and "that's cool" answers. But I realized a lot of that is what linguists call phatic communication. What he seems to want from those conversations was a sense of connection rather than actual deep conversation. It would be a problem if we never connected, but as long as we had some quality time it seems okay if some of our conversations are on "autopilot".
I also talk about my work with him. For me it's like having a "rubber ducky" convo and he tells me it sounds like Star Trek technobabble. It gives him a sense that I'm doing complicated things inside my head but I still care about him.
I want to say how much I love this commend, and add on to one part.
Yes, deep concentration can look like anger to a kid, but it can also look like anger to everyone who doesn’t engage in deep work. My dad would come home in the early afternoon because he would finish his day reading and annotating very long documents and depositions.
Looking back, I’m so grateful for the image, because I grew up thinking that this is how adults work and get things done. I was glad to learn that dad’s not angry at me, he’s concentrating. Even an 8 year old can understand that people don’t like to be interrupted, even if it’s easy to forget for a moment.
So good on you! What you’re describing here is the most cherished aspect of my childhood.
Yes, deep concentration can look like anger to a kid, but it can also look like anger to everyone who doesn’t engage in deep work. My dad would come home in the early afternoon because he would finish his day reading and annotating very long documents and depositions.
Looking back, I’m so grateful for the image, because I grew up thinking that this is how adults work and get things done. I was glad to learn that dad’s not angry at me, he’s concentrating. Even an 8 year old can understand that people don’t like to be interrupted, even if it’s easy to forget for a moment.
So good on you! What you’re describing here is the most cherished aspect of my childhood.
Thanks for this comment. It is very informative. If you have any other parenting advice, please do share.
This is a great comment and I have respect for you, random internet person :)
very wholesome :D
The reality is I am simply not as productive working from home. It is difficult for me to accept this and continue to work from home because of imposter syndrome and my feeling that I would be a better developer if I didn't work from home.
But I have kids and we homeschool. My kids see me all day every day. My dad worked in an office from dawn till dusk. When I saw him at the end of the day, he was worn out and had no energy for irritating kids. I don't want that to be the experience my kids have.
Sometimes I'll go work from a coffeeshop or the library or whatever, if I feel like I can't handle the distraction. It's a balance. I'm never going to be a rockstar developer, I can only hope to be competent, and to hope that employers will value that.
My kids will only be kids once. Maybe in 5-8 years, I'll change it up. But for now, the distractions and the lowered productivity are worth it when I look at the big picture.
But I have kids and we homeschool. My kids see me all day every day. My dad worked in an office from dawn till dusk. When I saw him at the end of the day, he was worn out and had no energy for irritating kids. I don't want that to be the experience my kids have.
Sometimes I'll go work from a coffeeshop or the library or whatever, if I feel like I can't handle the distraction. It's a balance. I'm never going to be a rockstar developer, I can only hope to be competent, and to hope that employers will value that.
My kids will only be kids once. Maybe in 5-8 years, I'll change it up. But for now, the distractions and the lowered productivity are worth it when I look at the big picture.
Smart man...
But what would you say to a 20 year old without family?
But what would you say to a 20 year old without family?
I know you didn't ask me... but I'd say "Get one." The benefits far outweigh the deficits.
Why? I'm in my mid 40s and have a 1 yo. I'd trade the adventure and hedonism of my 20s and 30s for good knees, a good back, quicker recovery from sleep deprivation, etc...
Now, don't just mate with anyone, be smart, look at how their parents are doing, ascertain their fundamental personality. IMHO 4-6 hours of real conversation is enough to tell if you want to spend the rest of your life with a person. The real challenge is listening to and believing that quiet little voice in your head. Which is a challenge because sometimes that takes 30+ years to learn how to do.
Why? I'm in my mid 40s and have a 1 yo. I'd trade the adventure and hedonism of my 20s and 30s for good knees, a good back, quicker recovery from sleep deprivation, etc...
Now, don't just mate with anyone, be smart, look at how their parents are doing, ascertain their fundamental personality. IMHO 4-6 hours of real conversation is enough to tell if you want to spend the rest of your life with a person. The real challenge is listening to and believing that quiet little voice in your head. Which is a challenge because sometimes that takes 30+ years to learn how to do.
I know what you mean about leaving hedonism & adventure behind. Through biological evolution our brains have evolved to be long-term happy if you settle down and raise a family? (Source: random comment on hacker news that clicked for me)
If You think that having family will make You long-term happy think twice. This is something that You cannot know up front - its a little bit like with extreme situations such as accidents or conflicts - no one knows how he will behave and how he will feel util the situation happens).
This family thing, especially with children, is a gamble and You can get unimaginable bad cards and there are no take backs. I may be skewed a bit because most people that I know become so unbearably unhappy after starting family that You would never want to spend time with them. For some it resolved itself (after children grow up and left home) and for some it destroyed their life.
This family thing, especially with children, is a gamble and You can get unimaginable bad cards and there are no take backs. I may be skewed a bit because most people that I know become so unbearably unhappy after starting family that You would never want to spend time with them. For some it resolved itself (after children grow up and left home) and for some it destroyed their life.
absolute crap shoot
people think they're lucky
people think they're lucky
Happy isn't really a good goal. It's can be the result of a process, but aiming towards happiness as a goal in a of its self is mostly ruinous. There's ton of wisdom on this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e-or_D-qNqM
Right?
Me I'm aiming towards harmony with my life free of unnecessary suffering simultaneous with the same thing for my family.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e-or_D-qNqM
Right?
Me I'm aiming towards harmony with my life free of unnecessary suffering simultaneous with the same thing for my family.
Yeah I guess it depends on what you consider a distraction.
Distractions, for me, more than just "background noise", are something that demands my attention. Those can be explicit (somebody coming into my office and talking to me), or implicit (I hear the kids fighting about something, my brain tells me to do something about it).
If I was a 20 year old and had people bothering me at home, I'd just get a membership at a coworking space, or work from the library.
Distractions, for me, more than just "background noise", are something that demands my attention. Those can be explicit (somebody coming into my office and talking to me), or implicit (I hear the kids fighting about something, my brain tells me to do something about it).
If I was a 20 year old and had people bothering me at home, I'd just get a membership at a coworking space, or work from the library.
Software engineering isn’t the only profession that requires focus, so don’t hesitate to expand your search for tips.
Separate room with closed door is the minimum if you have kids at home. Headphones with noise isolation are a cheap investment for a software engineer.
If adults or teenagers are actively interrupting, that’s more of an interpersonal issue that should be solved as such.
Separate room with closed door is the minimum if you have kids at home. Headphones with noise isolation are a cheap investment for a software engineer.
If adults or teenagers are actively interrupting, that’s more of an interpersonal issue that should be solved as such.
I'm currently in a small house with older family members, and unfortunately the only room where the family computer is in. Deep concentration is also needed for my drawing work, and it's hard to maintain it if I don't have uninterrupted times for 4+ hours straight.
Part of it is having mature enough adults all the way around that can respect boundaries - if the door is closed, the room is not available. If the door is open, the room is available (even during work hours, let's say when I'm just catching up on emails.)
Something I've learned is there does need to be a little bit of negotiation - barring the room off for basically all of the working day isn't reasonable. So having those "up for air" moments is both a two-fold gift to myself (to remind me to get up, walk around, look at something else), and also a time where they can come in to talk and do their own projects on the family computer.
It does mean a lot of my heavier non-work drawing focus time gets shifted to night but them's the breaks for free rent. :)
Part of it is having mature enough adults all the way around that can respect boundaries - if the door is closed, the room is not available. If the door is open, the room is available (even during work hours, let's say when I'm just catching up on emails.)
Something I've learned is there does need to be a little bit of negotiation - barring the room off for basically all of the working day isn't reasonable. So having those "up for air" moments is both a two-fold gift to myself (to remind me to get up, walk around, look at something else), and also a time where they can come in to talk and do their own projects on the family computer.
It does mean a lot of my heavier non-work drawing focus time gets shifted to night but them's the breaks for free rent. :)
You make it clear that it's your JOB and you need uninterrupted time. So ideally your spouse leaves you alone and is able to look after kids if you're working. Don't answer the phone. Get noise cancelling headphones. Etc...
If you don't want to or are unable to create said environment then you either go back to the office or accept interruptions.
If you don't want to or are unable to create said environment then you either go back to the office or accept interruptions.
That is the one critical factor in this while work from home thing that most people took for granted, causing a lot of "unexplained" disagreement about how great it was.
People like me who live alone (or maybe only had one quiet roommate) were getting a lot of work done. Meanwhile, at one point, many parents literally suddenly had two jobs -- their normal one and then being a teacher at the same time.
What was amazing to me was that almost everyone in this discussion assumed that the other side had the same situation as them. It did not occur to most people with families that some people had an apartment to themselves. Or that rarely was considered in the arguments.
But the point is, I live alone, my family rarely calls, and if I am busy then my phone is often on silent. So I never had that issue at all. But your question does not consider that possibility.
This is easy for me to say but part of this is about having a conscientious and considerate family and also your own space. If it's a toddler then lock the door (obviously with someone else to supervise). If your spouse can't leave you alone after you clearly communicate that it is necessary, then you may literally need to A) work out of the house B) get a different job that is not work from home or C) get a better spouse.
People like me who live alone (or maybe only had one quiet roommate) were getting a lot of work done. Meanwhile, at one point, many parents literally suddenly had two jobs -- their normal one and then being a teacher at the same time.
What was amazing to me was that almost everyone in this discussion assumed that the other side had the same situation as them. It did not occur to most people with families that some people had an apartment to themselves. Or that rarely was considered in the arguments.
But the point is, I live alone, my family rarely calls, and if I am busy then my phone is often on silent. So I never had that issue at all. But your question does not consider that possibility.
This is easy for me to say but part of this is about having a conscientious and considerate family and also your own space. If it's a toddler then lock the door (obviously with someone else to supervise). If your spouse can't leave you alone after you clearly communicate that it is necessary, then you may literally need to A) work out of the house B) get a different job that is not work from home or C) get a better spouse.
Damned if you don’t, damned if you do. With an apartment to yourself focus is easier but the loss of regular unplanned contact with other human beings hits harder.
Noise-cancelling Airpod Pros + Brown Noise. I have 3x 10-year-olds & this lets me completely not even know they exist.
I just roll with it but we're all adults.
For noise I recommend a noise cancelling headphone, BOSE QC35 is good at it, sometimes I'm wearing it on without music and it's enough.
We have two kids, 7m and 3y-ish, while the older is at kindergarten I do sync work with others or do focus work for about 4 hours.
When the older is back home I only do one meeting (rare) or push something that really really really needs to be pushed. After they go to bed I catch up on deep work for 2-3 hours.
We have two kids, 7m and 3y-ish, while the older is at kindergarten I do sync work with others or do focus work for about 4 hours.
When the older is back home I only do one meeting (rare) or push something that really really really needs to be pushed. After they go to bed I catch up on deep work for 2-3 hours.
Noise cancelling headphones. I'm also planning on brushing up for interviews and will just go to a local library because it automatically puts me in the learning mode.
If the house is noisy I will play classical music on my noise cancelling headphones. I will set 30 minute sprints with 0 distractions and I will ignore phone/email/slack. Then, take a break for a few minutes and resume.
If the house is noisy I will play classical music on my noise cancelling headphones. I will set 30 minute sprints with 0 distractions and I will ignore phone/email/slack. Then, take a break for a few minutes and resume.
I split my bedroom with a curtain and big dry erase board. I call it the reverse mullet of bedrooms, party up front, business in the back…
Usually you have your own room to work in.
Separate room, closed door, earphones with noise isolation.
I work in the basement. Still some disruptions, but not often.