Ask HN: Have you lost social anxiety after a romantic breakup?
3 comments
My divorce was by far the worst heartbreak I've ever experienced. Other relationships that ended didn't create near as much emotional pain. This got me thinking that heartbreak might be related to social anxiety.
Social anxiety is caused by a failure to experience strong social rejection by individual peers, e.g. heartbreak, and is exacerbated by experiencing moderate social rejection by groups of peers.
Normal children form bonds with specific individuals that are significantly stronger than bonds to other friends - best friends and boy/girlfriends. These relationships inevitability end causing emotional trauma beyond what's possible from less intense relationships. These heartbreak incidents desensitize the individual to social rejection from normal people and groups.
Some children don't form partner-bonds and so never experience that strength of social rejection. Often that's combined with difficultly forming friendships and joining peer groups, which causes unusually strong social rejection from normal people. This results in associating the worst emotional pain with interactions with normal people.
People who've experienced heartbreak know (are conditioned) that normal social settings aren't able to cause the worst hurt and so aren't anxious in them. People who haven't experienced heartbreak think (are conditioned) that the worst pain is possible from normal social settings and so can become anxoius in them.
Social anxiety is caused by a failure to experience strong social rejection by individual peers, e.g. heartbreak, and is exacerbated by experiencing moderate social rejection by groups of peers.
Normal children form bonds with specific individuals that are significantly stronger than bonds to other friends - best friends and boy/girlfriends. These relationships inevitability end causing emotional trauma beyond what's possible from less intense relationships. These heartbreak incidents desensitize the individual to social rejection from normal people and groups.
Some children don't form partner-bonds and so never experience that strength of social rejection. Often that's combined with difficultly forming friendships and joining peer groups, which causes unusually strong social rejection from normal people. This results in associating the worst emotional pain with interactions with normal people.
People who've experienced heartbreak know (are conditioned) that normal social settings aren't able to cause the worst hurt and so aren't anxious in them. People who haven't experienced heartbreak think (are conditioned) that the worst pain is possible from normal social settings and so can become anxoius in them.
It sounds like you've gotten older and have gained some wisdom. It's my belief that as we get older and gain more life experience, we tend to feel more comfortable in social situations. When I was younger, I used to get really nervous in new environments, but as I've grown older I've learned some basic social skills that have really helped me feel more confident. I've also come to realize that it's totally okay to be alone in a social setting, or to go up and talk to people you don't know. Sometimes people are friendly, and other times they might not be as nice, but either way it's no big deal. I think the key is just to be present in the moment and not worry too much about what might happen. It all comes down to living your life and learning from your experiences.
It's called an aging libido. Your social circle never expected much
from you, but it takes all of your 20s and 30s for the little brain
to relent to being average.
A while ago a friend from college mentioned something similar. He'd divorced a couple years earlier and said that now he no longer cares what other people think.
Has anyone else experienced this?