Tell HN: Planning to end my life today
9 comments
I am not a very good person to say anything to these issues, but it will not be helpful for your spouse.
At 35 years of age you can learn and master new skill-sets, ones more AI proof. I basically learned to program at that age without any meaningful skills as I had spent my first 35 years of age working much less than it sounds like you have.
I think you are situationally depressed, which is something one can get out of with some bit of medication and help, so I think you should talk to someone.
If you have not worked hard in your life, but got a Masters degree, it sounds like you are intelligent. Intelligence can often get you through without working hard, but it's true at some point you need to sort of figure out what it is to be applied towards.
As an intelligent person who is somewhat lazy you probably like other people to provide some sort of impetus, this is also how it is for me in life, but now, without a job, and AI making it hard to get one you feel adrift and worthless. Aside from seeking help you might also consider trying to find some non-profit doing something you think is good and asking them if they need IT help in something you can find reasonable to do.
This will provide the ongoing cycle of tasks that you need to keep going, you would be doing something that might feel more relevant and useful than work you are used to, you would probably not be getting paid but if you are not getting paid now what does it matter and you might get something out of it anyway (potential job etc.)
Your situational depression sounds like you don't feel like it is worthwhile to keep going, because you have difficulty finding meaning in lots of things. This is also an example of relatively high intelligence, most things seem meaningless, it is necessary for you to use your mind to construct meaning.
But there are lots of professionals who can provide help on these issues. Also talk to your partner about it. They are your partner for a reason.
At 35 years of age you can learn and master new skill-sets, ones more AI proof. I basically learned to program at that age without any meaningful skills as I had spent my first 35 years of age working much less than it sounds like you have.
I think you are situationally depressed, which is something one can get out of with some bit of medication and help, so I think you should talk to someone.
If you have not worked hard in your life, but got a Masters degree, it sounds like you are intelligent. Intelligence can often get you through without working hard, but it's true at some point you need to sort of figure out what it is to be applied towards.
As an intelligent person who is somewhat lazy you probably like other people to provide some sort of impetus, this is also how it is for me in life, but now, without a job, and AI making it hard to get one you feel adrift and worthless. Aside from seeking help you might also consider trying to find some non-profit doing something you think is good and asking them if they need IT help in something you can find reasonable to do.
This will provide the ongoing cycle of tasks that you need to keep going, you would be doing something that might feel more relevant and useful than work you are used to, you would probably not be getting paid but if you are not getting paid now what does it matter and you might get something out of it anyway (potential job etc.)
Your situational depression sounds like you don't feel like it is worthwhile to keep going, because you have difficulty finding meaning in lots of things. This is also an example of relatively high intelligence, most things seem meaningless, it is necessary for you to use your mind to construct meaning.
But there are lots of professionals who can provide help on these issues. Also talk to your partner about it. They are your partner for a reason.
Don't kill yourself. Do talk to someone.
If it might help, you're welcome to email [email protected] and tomhow or I will send you our personal email address.
I'm going to leave this post open in case you want to respond to any of the commenters who have replied to you. Several of them also emailed us to express their concern.
If it might help, you're welcome to email [email protected] and tomhow or I will send you our personal email address.
I'm going to leave this post open in case you want to respond to any of the commenters who have replied to you. Several of them also emailed us to express their concern.
35 is the perfect time to catalyze that knowledge into wisdom and use it for your next chapter. I stood exactly where you stand now, I had isolated myself. I emailed dang to delete all my hn posts, and my next step was to stop. I was your age, I was feeling how you feel. I got very drunk, I called my mother and cried, she focused me on the future not the present or the past, and now many years have passed and my life is stable and I am happy. I am grateful I went through that, I am grateful I am out of it, and I am grateful to be here alive typing this to you. For whatever praying is worth, I pray you are able to find the resolve and peace you need to continue to live, no doubt the world is a better place with you in it, no doubt. I and may others love you.
I think you should find somebody to talk to (in real life, not HN!) You sound as if you have got into a rut and are not really thinking objectively. At least, you owe it to your partner to have an open talk about how you are feeling.
General consensus is when you're going through hell, don't stop there, keep on going :\
Ten months is not as bad as it was when you were younger. Look forward to even more maturity, I never thought it would be a superpower to be able to write off a whole decade, but that's how it turned out and I'm just about twice your age by now. Never would have known unless I kept on going.
>seems very late to do so now
I for one am going to do it again anyway. With complete confidence.
Complete confidence that I will never live long enough to find out whether my next company ultimately succeeds or fails in terms that mean anything to other founders like you would expect.
No matter how long I try to live.
When you think about it, it's largely a matter of scale and I should have been looking at it the same way already as a teenager, plus my 20's and 30's.
All the advice on the internet can really be food for thought, and the perfect answer may be in one obscure blog post or something, but the whole internet all adds up to less useful than what one warm human being can offer in a live back & forth conversation.
Maybe if you have had a non-throwaway username in the past (especially recently), revealing that could help this one website to give more meaningful advice in its own little way.
You have revealed so much already.
Tell this in person to someone who knows you only a little bit better than us internet randos and some inspiration could appear where previously there was none.
The thing that stands out is the way your "Tell HN" is heartfelt but this one message doesn't tell very much for this audience compared to a collection of previous comments. Which would give all kinds of people more to go on about things that mean something to you in particular.
To me it triggers a response more like an "Ask HN", but based only on the message of this one day alone.
It would be good to have some replies along those lines.
Ten months is not as bad as it was when you were younger. Look forward to even more maturity, I never thought it would be a superpower to be able to write off a whole decade, but that's how it turned out and I'm just about twice your age by now. Never would have known unless I kept on going.
>seems very late to do so now
I for one am going to do it again anyway. With complete confidence.
Complete confidence that I will never live long enough to find out whether my next company ultimately succeeds or fails in terms that mean anything to other founders like you would expect.
No matter how long I try to live.
When you think about it, it's largely a matter of scale and I should have been looking at it the same way already as a teenager, plus my 20's and 30's.
All the advice on the internet can really be food for thought, and the perfect answer may be in one obscure blog post or something, but the whole internet all adds up to less useful than what one warm human being can offer in a live back & forth conversation.
Maybe if you have had a non-throwaway username in the past (especially recently), revealing that could help this one website to give more meaningful advice in its own little way.
You have revealed so much already.
Tell this in person to someone who knows you only a little bit better than us internet randos and some inspiration could appear where previously there was none.
The thing that stands out is the way your "Tell HN" is heartfelt but this one message doesn't tell very much for this audience compared to a collection of previous comments. Which would give all kinds of people more to go on about things that mean something to you in particular.
To me it triggers a response more like an "Ask HN", but based only on the message of this one day alone.
It would be good to have some replies along those lines.
I'm 35 and I am going to end my life today. About year one ago I quit my job to work on my own startup (alone). Since then I made good progress in making the product, but very little in selling it. And there's competition in that space with newly-funded VC startups out-executing me. Shit I was so scared to contact my ICP to prospect and to sell -- I am ashamed at myself for messing this opportunity. I WASTED 10 MONTHS!!!! Also realized: it is an uphill battle to sell something to someone. I suck at sales & marketing, which is all that matters.
I might have been Senior/Staff by title in my last job, but I only have handled/implemented frontend projects end-to-end.... in backend I've only ever only implemented features. Never explored stuff like Kafka, System Design & never bothered applying to FAANG again or startups/scale-ups again. It also seems very late to do so now, considering the medicore experience I have.
I also came to the realization about 2-3 days ago that I've never worked hard a day in my life. messed around in high school & got okay grades. moved abroad to study CS and did well in school, but not much else. Moved to a second country to do my Masters degree which I did okay in. But since then it has basically been downhill. While I had worked for a promising FAANG company as an intern one time, my career since then has been on a downhill (just realized this). Only had okay feedback from all companies where I worked, with one exception, including my last company. I also seem to be unemployable now given the skillset I have. AI is obviously making things much worse in this regard.
So today I asked myself if I can work hard enough to maybe start a job again and put a massive amount of effort into starting my own business -- but the evidence is completely against me: have not worked hard for half of my life (all of my adult life), so what makes me think I can start working hard now. I feel soooo bad & guilty having wasted all of my time and life on this planet.
Will be leaving my spouse alone, but better I end my life now, so that they can find a better partner.