You're right, what I wrote, especially the part about never being able to pay back, was too extreme, along with the general tone of the comment. In my defense, I was typing a spontaneous, somewhat emotional response to the root comment, as one often does on an online forum.
I generally agree with your points, and relate to aspects of the issues you express (it's hard to accurately quantize thoughts/sentiments into text especially on these subjects).
I would add that our parents generation faced far more extreme versions of the same challenges/tensions we faced in our childhood. For example, I certainly relate to the "listening is a one-way street" mentality, but for our parents generation growing up in their conservative, ultra-traditional societies, they would have been expected to abide by a far more obedient social norms. Likewise, they may be intolerant of minority races/orientations, but grew up in societies that were far harsher on their own quirks, or distinguishing features that put themselves in the minority (which can be as innocuous as being left-handed).
I think it would be hard not to envelop one's self in "layers of trauma" growing up in such adverse conditions and societal upheaval, and to take pride in overcoming such adversity such that it became part of one's identity.
On a good day I try to see things from other side's perspective, and my very crude guess, based on my own family experience, is that these are just some of the sentiments first generation immigrant parents may feel:
-my kid has no idea how good he has it, my childhood was a constant struggle. My children's generation can never comprehend how much better their life is than my own growing up
-the chief beneficiary of my lifetime of struggle, sacrifices, hard-work is not myself but my kids (and posterity), who express little to no gratitude for my incredible contributions towards their well-being and success.
-in return for everything I have done, my kid is trying to impose this alien (Western) ideology over dearly held cultural values/beliefs I have practiced for a lifetime
-in addition, my kid is trying to impose practices/perspectives (i.e. LGBTQ+ marriage) that are anathema to my corely held religious beliefs/moral worldview
These are crude extrapolations based on limited information that can be easily misinterpreted (social cues, obviously a lot is not said out loud) with a sample size of 1 - basically meaningless data that I nonetheless feel compelled to share because my gut feeling is that the themes are applicable to our cohort. When looking at things from this perspective, and imagining if my own kid was exhibiting this same mindset/attitude interacting with me in my own old age, I become much more empathetic for my parents feelings/positions when it comes to these subjects.
Again, I can't hope to understand your family situation in any depth via typed text over an online forum, but I can't help but feel the sentiment that your parents are really expressing through "I put a roof over your head, food in your mouth, clothes on your back, and that's all you should want" is that they are sorely in need of some degree of gratitude for everything they've done for you. I know you have expressed that gratitude before - but I think its something we should return to time and time again. That you recognize the challenges and struggles they overcame so that you all would have a much better life.
While the substance of what you say may be true, I couldn't disagree more with the sentiment.
If all your parents did was give you the opportunity to grow up stateside as opposed to some communist hellhole or third-world slum, that itself is worth a lifetime of gratitude that you can never hope to pay back. As hard as first generation parents may be on their kids, they have almost certainly endured through far worse in their childhood. Second generation immigrant millennials would have parents who grew during or in the aftermath of the Cultural Revolution, Indo-Pakistani War - under dangerous third world conditions with a daily struggle for food.
Yes some of the crude comments they express may be excessively judgmental and even bigoted, but no more than their former compatriots back home. Had they never emigrated, our generation too would have grown up to adopt the same perspectives. It is precisely because they gave us the opportunity to grow up in the (relatively) liberal and free Western world that we can adopt a different (and hopefully better) value system.
I've yet to ever change anyone's mind via an online forum but it doesn't stop me from trying: let your parents know you recognize the sacrifices and suffering they endured to make it to the states, it would mean the world to them. It's far from easy to immigrate to the states today, and it was even harder a generation ago. They truly had to be exceptional in so many respects to make the extreme cutoff it took to beat out an entire country of peers competing for the opportunity to come to the states, and give their kids, you, a far better life.
I would add that our parents generation faced far more extreme versions of the same challenges/tensions we faced in our childhood. For example, I certainly relate to the "listening is a one-way street" mentality, but for our parents generation growing up in their conservative, ultra-traditional societies, they would have been expected to abide by a far more obedient social norms. Likewise, they may be intolerant of minority races/orientations, but grew up in societies that were far harsher on their own quirks, or distinguishing features that put themselves in the minority (which can be as innocuous as being left-handed). I think it would be hard not to envelop one's self in "layers of trauma" growing up in such adverse conditions and societal upheaval, and to take pride in overcoming such adversity such that it became part of one's identity.
On a good day I try to see things from other side's perspective, and my very crude guess, based on my own family experience, is that these are just some of the sentiments first generation immigrant parents may feel: -my kid has no idea how good he has it, my childhood was a constant struggle. My children's generation can never comprehend how much better their life is than my own growing up -the chief beneficiary of my lifetime of struggle, sacrifices, hard-work is not myself but my kids (and posterity), who express little to no gratitude for my incredible contributions towards their well-being and success. -in return for everything I have done, my kid is trying to impose this alien (Western) ideology over dearly held cultural values/beliefs I have practiced for a lifetime -in addition, my kid is trying to impose practices/perspectives (i.e. LGBTQ+ marriage) that are anathema to my corely held religious beliefs/moral worldview These are crude extrapolations based on limited information that can be easily misinterpreted (social cues, obviously a lot is not said out loud) with a sample size of 1 - basically meaningless data that I nonetheless feel compelled to share because my gut feeling is that the themes are applicable to our cohort. When looking at things from this perspective, and imagining if my own kid was exhibiting this same mindset/attitude interacting with me in my own old age, I become much more empathetic for my parents feelings/positions when it comes to these subjects.
Again, I can't hope to understand your family situation in any depth via typed text over an online forum, but I can't help but feel the sentiment that your parents are really expressing through "I put a roof over your head, food in your mouth, clothes on your back, and that's all you should want" is that they are sorely in need of some degree of gratitude for everything they've done for you. I know you have expressed that gratitude before - but I think its something we should return to time and time again. That you recognize the challenges and struggles they overcame so that you all would have a much better life.