I tried to go there for third time in 4 months and they called them probably because the companies they sent me to gave them feedback that I am not working - because here it's mandatory to be trying to get a job to collect the allowance.
Fortunately the guys who arrived were the most reasonable guys I ever met and laughed at them, but suggested I don't go back there again.
Unfortunately I can't just choose what medication I'd like to try. The doctor had me try Ritalin and that worked great (on the focus/attention side) but I also developed pretty extreme paranoia after cca month and since then he doesn't want me to try anything else. I tried switching psychiatrist but so far I'm on several wait lists (have been for 5 months now).
These jobs don't pay enough to afford housing and food around here... It's done by older people who got their real estate when it was still cheap 10-20 (or more) years ago. Younger people have absolutely no chance of making enough to get by from this job. There's also huge competition on these jobs - older people who want to supplement their pension income, etc. I'm not averse to physical work (I like working on my grandma's garden, for example) but I'm afraid it just won't be enough money and that I'll have the same kind of problems... It's not just mental work I have problems with. In my downperiods I am unable to clean my teeth.
My reply to the user andrewmcarter who deleted their comment:
I thought I am an extremely lazy person who hates to work for 25 years. That it's ADHD was suggested to me a year ago and it was confirmed on EEG scans, by psychological evaluation and by taking medication that actually worked - however it also made me paranoid (extremely, pushing me out of normal reality) and I have other (physical) medical condition that made it unsustainable.
Yes, my code is in production and people (users as well as other devs) love it. Future maintainers always praise it for its readability and simple extensibility. I co-founded a startup (niche CRM/ERP kind of app) and got it working within a month and we got customers actually using the app and investors thanks to that. However the investors pushed me out when they found out I am not working for extended periods of time. I got some small amount of money but was forced to leave my stake.
Indeed, I am not comfortable with failing anymore. Now it's so bad I just can't have interviews anymore, I start shaking and can't think at all - a decade ago I used to have very high self esteem and didn't have this kind of problems, it's indeed a developed condition.
I'm not paying for my medical services. I pay mandatory health insurance which is priced by the state based on a minimum and/or a percentage of my income.
Academia/school is torture because the fuckers were screaming at me all the time for not completing homework, because I always shut down when I had to do something on the blackboard in front of the classroom, etc. I guess university might be different but I'd have to complete the 3 remaining years of high school to get there. Anyways from what my Gf experienced at the university it's terrible there too so I'm not really motivated to go this way, doesn't seem like a solution.
It's not like I am playing video games instead of doing the stuff I need to do. I really truly want to do it. I am sitting in front of it, I don't browse internet or whatever. I have the work in front of me, but my brain is shut down, unable to have a single thought. I am sitting like this for hours, wishing with all of my willpower to just do the thing, but can't have an intelligent thought.
I admit it feels great and it does help - but it doesn't really help me turn the tide when I'm in the 3+week phase of inability to focus on anything at all. It's also super-hard to do it in this phase.
But I will try again, thank you for reminding me it feels good.
Unfortunately coffee even in small doses makes me paranoid and anxious so much I become absolute clusterfuck (literally start believing aliens are coming). Same with marihuana. This is part of the reason why I can't get medication - Ritalin does this to me too.
To expand, I am in the European union but since I've never paid social insurance I'm not eligible for any state help. I'm already in debt, this is just something I can't afford to pay. I had a lot of trouble paying my health insurance debt so I could go to the psychiatrist.
Regardless, in the POV of the state I'm a high income individual so I am not eligible anyways. I make about $50/hour and they don't care I'm out of a job for 2/3 of a year. Unemployment allowance office actually tried to call the police on me because they thought I'm trying to steal from the government.
ADHD is not recognized adult medical condition here so I can't be recognized as disabled.