hestipod, You are a very kind person - worrying about me, with all your problems. Don't worry about me, (I was worried that I was upsetting or needling you after I posted). NONE of your problems are your fault. None of them. I just wish that there were some way soon of you getting the help you need.
Please don't worry about me, I've been through some things, (probably toughened my exoskeleton), (or something :). You are not unnoticed and I can only repeat I wish there were some real help that you will get. I am ok.
"I had a nightmare just last night about a victim I recall from early in my career...in such a horrible personal situation...who died in such a terrible way. She didn't have to. She was pushed to it and then allowed to because nobody she reached out to would help. I've seen dozens like that...and not a single one of them had to die." I wonder if your earlier career gave you PTSD and if your current circumstances are triggering it?
You had a bad judge twice - that guy is probably retired now or has moved on. I wonder if another might be reasonable - what you need is some kind of stable income so you can get space and stability. Are there no advocates who could help some kind of claim for someone in your situation - free advisors? Don't set some kind of end of year deadline on yourself - an advocate might be able to do a lot for you.
I'm going to try and reply (rate limit?). (And I won't keep harassing you with more posts). You are right it does affect my feelings to see someone hurting so much. Better that you criticize me - and live. You have had a long, tough run. I am also so sorry to hear about your loss.
Of course after enough trauma and hard knocks - and an impersonal system - you are worn out. I think that is why the poster above suggested basics like sleep and nutrition, if you can get them - not a global solution I know but it does help. (Small lever points).
Situations can change in really weird ways - that no one ever could have predicted - even when it has been tough for years, even when things seem really hopeless.
I'm not in the business of depressing you more, or taxing you emotionally. Your life does matter.
You have to hang on for her sake hestipod. Are they threatening to throw you out? Would they give you money? Is there anyone who can help? You are really worrying me. Please hang on for your cat's sake. It's her best hope. Hang on.