The more imminent death seemed, none of that really came to mind. I only felt fear when death was a possibility but when it seemed death was certain, that fear went away. It was strange.
It's hard to describe. Best thing I can say is everything just fell away and only the truly important remained. I have never been able to feel that same way again but I try to remember what I felt was important. It is surprisingly hard.
As someone that has had one or two "deathbed" experiences, I can say two things struck me about them
1) I felt complete peace about dying. In fact, I had to reason myself towards wanting to live
2) I felt a level of clarity about what was important to me that I have never felt before (or since). I struggle to incorporate that into my life on an ongoing basis.
I think these experiences were a terrible gift. I would wish everyone experienced the clarity I had but I could not wish you had to go where I did to get it.
I had Multiple Myeloma and as part of my treatment, I underwent 2 autologous stem cell transplants. The process was pretty grueling and it took a couple of years to get back to my normal self but I certainly believe it was the right decision for me (given the results).
I am not familiar with your specific disease so I cannot speak to how effective this would be for your situation but I would advise, as I am sure you are doing, taking the counsel of a few good doctors with experience treating similar cases and getting their advice. Assuming your disease is anything like Multiple Myeloma, there is probably no consensus on the treatment protocol so you will likely have to go with your gut. What pushed me over the edge to choose transplantation was a discussion I had with another patient who told me her doctor had ascribed her survival (vs the rest of her cohort who had all succumubed) to having taken the most aggressive approach to treatment. I decided that since I was young, strong and in reasonably good health, I should press my advantage and take a similar path.
As another patient said to me, "this is not something you would volunteer for but it is something you can definitely get through". I am happy to talk to you or anyone else that needs more detail on my experience, encouragement or just a listening ear. Just leave a comment below and we can figure out how to connect.