Ask HN: Go all-in on AI Boom vs. enjoy parenthood?
25 comments
I've been a dev at a big tech company, a consultant, a tech lead at a huge manufacturer, a founder, an educator, and a father. Here are my three bits of advice.
1) You can never get back your kid's childhood no mater how hard you work.
2) The time to take big financial risks for big financial rewards was before you had a family, particularly before you had a kid.
3) Getting a new well paying job at a big tech company in the event that your AI asperations don't come to fruition is likely going to be a challenge. At least that is my understanding from what I read about the current economic landscape.
The way people talk about AI powered everything reminds me of how people talked about block chain powered everything a few years ago. Don't get me wrong, I love working with Claude but I get the distinct impression that many marketing people confuse a case statement as being "Powered by AI". I use AI code assist every day but I'm not going to bet the farm on joining/founding a startup that is "Zillow for <something> powered by AI".
1) You can never get back your kid's childhood no mater how hard you work.
2) The time to take big financial risks for big financial rewards was before you had a family, particularly before you had a kid.
3) Getting a new well paying job at a big tech company in the event that your AI asperations don't come to fruition is likely going to be a challenge. At least that is my understanding from what I read about the current economic landscape.
The way people talk about AI powered everything reminds me of how people talked about block chain powered everything a few years ago. Don't get me wrong, I love working with Claude but I get the distinct impression that many marketing people confuse a case statement as being "Powered by AI". I use AI code assist every day but I'm not going to bet the farm on joining/founding a startup that is "Zillow for <something> powered by AI".
Spending time with your kid is also a once in a lifetime opportunity (for the kid). Think about your family reading this in 30 years and I think the answer is clear.
This is the way. A common theme for older people is wishing they worked less and spent more time with family. I have two kids and cant imagine sacrificing more time than absolutely necessary working. Once my first was born, my priorities immediately changed. Its difficult to describe but work instantly became a lower priority.
I’m not a father but this is an amazing perspective!
Wow, that's a great way to look at the issue. Thanks for the perspective.
Maybe I share my story here to give you another perspective on this.
I was a higher role solution architect in a kind of start-up-ish fast growing company with a great team and great opportunities. I worked there for a long time, everything went fine. We welcomed our daughter and I kept working until one day they decided to board in an external investor. I knew this was gonna blow up (not for the company but for the employees) and it did. Within months nearly 1/4 of the good ones left the company and it was a nightmare to be in.
I decided to change things a bit and applied for a "Developer only" Job in a bigger company and also reduced my work schedule to 70% to be with my kid. I think this was probably the best decision in my life. My daugther (and now my son) are such an awesome persons and spending time with them teaching her stuff and playing around is WAY more fulfilling than a job could ever be.
And after the second child it's clear that I'm needed at home. There was so little time left for "maintaining" the relationship in the first 2 years, that I can't even think of leaving my wife alone with all this work. Now I can't think of a world where I'm not there as a father, having two awesome and cute children - sometimes it's hard, but most of the time it is very rewarding.
So the verdict is:
Work can be fulfilling in a way, but your employer is not loyal or forgiving - it's about business and you are a number, regardless if it feels like you are respected and missed, it is only good leadership and you are most likely replaceable.
On the other hand there is your family. They decided to spend their LIFE with you and are (or should be) always there for you. They are always loyal and forgiving...
Welcoming children is like putting away your ego. You are responsible for other humans now and it is time to put on the big boy panties and sail out to the deep water.
I would never prefer a career over my family unless we're totally broke and I need to take care of getting the food on the table to survive - in that case I would work my ass off but if it comes this far, a fancy AI startup your last problem.
I was a higher role solution architect in a kind of start-up-ish fast growing company with a great team and great opportunities. I worked there for a long time, everything went fine. We welcomed our daughter and I kept working until one day they decided to board in an external investor. I knew this was gonna blow up (not for the company but for the employees) and it did. Within months nearly 1/4 of the good ones left the company and it was a nightmare to be in.
I decided to change things a bit and applied for a "Developer only" Job in a bigger company and also reduced my work schedule to 70% to be with my kid. I think this was probably the best decision in my life. My daugther (and now my son) are such an awesome persons and spending time with them teaching her stuff and playing around is WAY more fulfilling than a job could ever be.
And after the second child it's clear that I'm needed at home. There was so little time left for "maintaining" the relationship in the first 2 years, that I can't even think of leaving my wife alone with all this work. Now I can't think of a world where I'm not there as a father, having two awesome and cute children - sometimes it's hard, but most of the time it is very rewarding.
So the verdict is:
Work can be fulfilling in a way, but your employer is not loyal or forgiving - it's about business and you are a number, regardless if it feels like you are respected and missed, it is only good leadership and you are most likely replaceable.
On the other hand there is your family. They decided to spend their LIFE with you and are (or should be) always there for you. They are always loyal and forgiving...
Welcoming children is like putting away your ego. You are responsible for other humans now and it is time to put on the big boy panties and sail out to the deep water.
I would never prefer a career over my family unless we're totally broke and I need to take care of getting the food on the table to survive - in that case I would work my ass off but if it comes this far, a fancy AI startup your last problem.
Whatever you pick, don't blame your kids for missing out on your career. A lot of parents did that and honestly, the kids would rather that they tried than become the cynical, grumpy old men they turned into later.
Commit to whatever path you picked. Kids will be fine. I grew up with two overworking parents and I'm fine. My kids have both parents at home, homecooked meals, family dinners almost every night, and they're fine too.
Nobody resents their parents for chasing their dreams unless it's just pure abandonment. A generation ago, a father might end up working in a whole other country doing hard labor just because it paid the bills.
Part of what shaped this opinion was my father always asking me to build and sell a billion dollar company. He put aside that dream so he could give me the education to. The actual expectations on you are between you and your extended family.
Commit to whatever path you picked. Kids will be fine. I grew up with two overworking parents and I'm fine. My kids have both parents at home, homecooked meals, family dinners almost every night, and they're fine too.
Nobody resents their parents for chasing their dreams unless it's just pure abandonment. A generation ago, a father might end up working in a whole other country doing hard labor just because it paid the bills.
Part of what shaped this opinion was my father always asking me to build and sell a billion dollar company. He put aside that dream so he could give me the education to. The actual expectations on you are between you and your extended family.
Enjoy parenthood. Your kid will be a baby/kid only once.
And I assure you: Whenever you are pondering "taking it easy and spending time with family", there will be yet another cool thing to give you an excuse not to.
And I assure you: Whenever you are pondering "taking it easy and spending time with family", there will be yet another cool thing to give you an excuse not to.
False trichotomy. Big tech (or big AI e.g. OpenAI, Anthropic) has way more interesting AI / infra challenges than the dorm room startup where you share a bunk with the founder and work 9 9 6 or 100hr weeks building a flaky gpt wrapper.
Stay in big tech (baby or no baby) for interesting work. Id aim to get the skills to be chased if passionate. Also gaining skills fits around family life more than being chucked on a plane last minute for client meeting.
Stay in big tech (baby or no baby) for interesting work. Id aim to get the skills to be chased if passionate. Also gaining skills fits around family life more than being chucked on a plane last minute for client meeting.
3. Take the good benefits, and hopefully good work life balance and maximize for time with your family. There is always going to be the next thing. Find ways to satiate your curiosity (like attending conferences), while savoring time with your kid because you aren't busy/burntout from grinding at a startup :)
I vote for 3, assuming it's enough money to live confortably.
1 and 2 expect full++ time, like 16 hours per day and sleeping in a couch under your desk. With a 9-5 you can turn off your phone and enjoy the time with your the kid and wife.
Protip: Sleep now, next 18 years are hard.
1 and 2 expect full++ time, like 16 hours per day and sleeping in a couch under your desk. With a 9-5 you can turn off your phone and enjoy the time with your the kid and wife.
Protip: Sleep now, next 18 years are hard.
I was watching a movie where they guy says something like just this one last gig I'm out. And the old director replies thats what I said 40 years ago. If you want to be with your family then just walk out of here get in your car and never come back. There is no such thing as the last one.
Its from a movie but its still true. Point being that going all in on something else than your family often ends up being more costly than you think and you can never get that time back.
My dog passed recently and I still find great regret about how many times I ignored him to do work. I can't imagine how much I'd regret it with a child. If you want a real world reference.
Its from a movie but its still true. Point being that going all in on something else than your family often ends up being more costly than you think and you can never get that time back.
My dog passed recently and I still find great regret about how many times I ignored him to do work. I can't imagine how much I'd regret it with a child. If you want a real world reference.
I think you should wait and see how it goes for you. I got an opportunity at big tech right when I was about to have a second kid and I took it, knowing it wold be more stress and hours.
It was worth it for me, not mainly for the money, but because I look forward to work most days. I also look forward to weekends and spending time with my kids though!
If I was doing something I hated for the 'money' though, I'm not sure it would be worth it. I love coming home happy to my kids, even if I'm seeing them a bit less than I would otherwise. I would hate to be coming home from a job I hate.
It was worth it for me, not mainly for the money, but because I look forward to work most days. I also look forward to weekends and spending time with my kids though!
If I was doing something I hated for the 'money' though, I'm not sure it would be worth it. I love coming home happy to my kids, even if I'm seeing them a bit less than I would otherwise. I would hate to be coming home from a job I hate.
I’d do the startups only if they’re once in a lifetime opportunities. I’ve seen that work for people with young kids because it would eat them up inside NOT to do it.
But probably not to just “get startup experience”. Having a kid is a time to not upset your routines if you can manage it. Startups have very wide variance in experiences compared to roles at big company in my experience. Just switching jobs would be difficult.
I had a cushy year at a comfortable job when my first kid was born. I did more the founder thing (write a career changing book) when my second kid was born.
But probably not to just “get startup experience”. Having a kid is a time to not upset your routines if you can manage it. Startups have very wide variance in experiences compared to roles at big company in my experience. Just switching jobs would be difficult.
I had a cushy year at a comfortable job when my first kid was born. I did more the founder thing (write a career changing book) when my second kid was born.
That day they don’t want to hold your hand while crossing the road, comes around WAY too soon.
You and your partner have already achieved your first life goal as a human, work on the next two, then everything else is a bonus.
Enjoy yourself until it’s time to help with your, hopefully, nine grandchildren.
You and your partner have already achieved your first life goal as a human, work on the next two, then everything else is a bonus.
Enjoy yourself until it’s time to help with your, hopefully, nine grandchildren.
Assuming you're a builder just do 1 and 2 as small side projects, no need to go full on in an industry that is going to crash anyway.
1 and 2 are now trending essentially to 0.
3. Will get harder to get a job in the years to come.
Stay at your role, build a small side project if you can. Don't leave.
1 and 2 are now trending essentially to 0.
3. Will get harder to get a job in the years to come.
Stay at your role, build a small side project if you can. Don't leave.
Please keep your big tech job and focus on parenting for now.
Find other ways to go "all-in" in in the AI Boom in different ways like investing, independent consulting etc if possible.
Find other ways to go "all-in" in in the AI Boom in different ways like investing, independent consulting etc if possible.
1. Most likely will fail and will be underpaying you and offer you illiquid equity that you can’t use.
2. Will also statistically fail and won’t offer you income.
3. Guaranteed money.
2. Will also statistically fail and won’t offer you income.
3. Guaranteed money.
In addition to what others have said (lots of good advice here), once-in-a-lifetime opportunities come around more often than you expect.
"leaning in fully to parenthood"
Hang out with your kid.
Hang out with your kid.
Spend as much time as possible with your kid. My daughter is 15 y/o, and even I was lucky to spend time with her because I started working remotely 16 years ago my only regret in life is not spending more time with her, one day you realize she is not a kid anymore and you don't understand how happened that fast.
Enjoy Parenthood.
I am a sceptic and pessimist. So I would say it is probably already too late to hope on the hype train.
So better take it easy now and wait for next once in a life-time opportunity. There will always be more. And if there is not stability is much more needed.
So better take it easy now and wait for next once in a life-time opportunity. There will always be more. And if there is not stability is much more needed.
Options: 1) Joining an AI startup 2) Founding an AI startup 3) Stay at my big-tech role
I make good money at my current role, but I am extremely passionate about the work I do. With the AI boom, there seems to be a lot of great infra, data movement and algorithmic challenges on the table. However, it is also clear that options 1 and 2 seem to require a lot more time commitment than a simple 9-5 job.
There are also financial considerations. If AI affects the SWE job market in a meaningful way, my future salary will be drastically low. Maybe it makes sense to devote myself to work for 3-5 more years and make a lot more money in the short term? I understand that there is also some probability associated with the final amount I walk away with.
Any others thinking about how to approach the AI boom vs leaning in fully to parenthood?