You should make an app compatible with android tv devices, not necessarily on google play store, but github would be find. this would be an absolute hit on those devices. well done.
I don't get the alcohol analogy as in most places it's 100% legal for minors to consume alcohol in the home with parental permission in the USA. In public it's a different story.
This is how I use it too. News feed is basically garbage, but the groups and marketplace is worth keeping my freemium subscription. I never heard of your use case, but I'm impressed that the specific point A to B groups exist!
Contacting the Board of Public Utilities in NJ would have probably been your best bet. By law they need to start addressing issues within a week or so. I had some downed comms cable on my property that they took very seriously after contacting the BPU. Fixed within 2 weeks and the ISP support is local and senior.
There is a similar children's toy called Yoto that uses cards to load stories and songs on a player. I love the idea of hacking something together, this is really cool !