Ask HN: Just found out that I’m gonna be a dad
Hi everyone, I just found out that I'm gonna be a dad. If is something I always wanted but my income is unpredictable. Sometimes I make 50k sometimes nothing. It never bothered me untill now. So I'm freaking out. What do you guys did when you have to have consistent I'm income.
78 comments
Congratulations! One thing, not as major as some of what other commenters have mentioned but worth knowing, is that you should not feel guilty about buying used clothes/cribs/etc. for your kid.
1) most baby clothes get worn very few times before they're outgrown, so you can get them in good shape at garage sales or thrift shops
2) your baby doesn't care whether it is dressed stylishly or not, it just cares if it's comfortable and its parents are nearby
3) your kid will likely throw up on it five minutes of putting it on anyway :)
Some parents feel guilt about buying used things for their child, and end up spending a lot of $$ on new clothes, crib, etc. for a child that will not benefit from all that extra expense in the least. You don't want to cut corners on, for example, health care or quality food, but things like clothes because they are visible can cause some parents of newborns to spend a lot of money they don't need to. Save it for the things that actually matter.
Some parents feel guilt about buying used things for their child, and end up spending a lot of $$ on new clothes, crib, etc. for a child that will not benefit from all that extra expense in the least. You don't want to cut corners on, for example, health care or quality food, but things like clothes because they are visible can cause some parents of newborns to spend a lot of money they don't need to. Save it for the things that actually matter.
Go on Nextdoor and share your good news. Ask if there’s any hand-me-downs available. You’ll be surprised. The stuff people held onto but are now finally giving away is usually the good stuff that they really liked. Oh and congratulations!
+1 to this suggestion, Nextdoor's marketplace is great for this. People give away stuff all the time. I'm sure there's some nearby parent with lightly used baby clothes packed away. At least in my neighborhood, I see them offered from time to time.
This x 100.
We get used clothing from friends and goodwill all the time. They blow through clothing so fast it's not worth buying new.
If you buy a used crib just make sure it's in good shape and hasn't been recalled.
More practical advice: Costco brand diapers and formula are the cheapest we found, but still good quality. Well worth the membership. There are also ways around going to Costco without paying for a membership. You can just google it.
Walmart brand wipes were the cheapest (and not useless) ones we found. We buy them in lots of 1200 at a time for about $20.
If you buy a used crib just make sure it's in good shape and hasn't been recalled.
More practical advice: Costco brand diapers and formula are the cheapest we found, but still good quality. Well worth the membership. There are also ways around going to Costco without paying for a membership. You can just google it.
Walmart brand wipes were the cheapest (and not useless) ones we found. We buy them in lots of 1200 at a time for about $20.
I tried this once : I bought a (whatever that one piece cloth is called) for my newborn.
I saw that it was a perfect fit so I bought 10 more.
And then I had to return them because my wife wanted variety...
I saw that it was a perfect fit so I bought 10 more.
And then I had to return them because my wife wanted variety...
This is a great point. My partner and I have all but stopped buying new stuff. We spent a fair amount on her travel system but it's already becoming obvious that she's out-growing most of it at 6 months.
My way of rationalising it is whether she'd rather have us spend all we could on having the best of baby gear now, or whether she'd rather have it in a savings account when she is looking to buy her first house, go to university etc.
My way of rationalising it is whether she'd rather have us spend all we could on having the best of baby gear now, or whether she'd rather have it in a savings account when she is looking to buy her first house, go to university etc.
Great advice! My wife would not shop goodwill until she was helping kids with a play and the amount of funds for costuming made her. Now she loves to 'Pop some tags...'
Is it safe though? Like possible skin issues that can easily be transferred?
:)
Dude - relax! Becoming a parent is a real emotional roller-coaster, and it's hard to keep your perspective, especially with your first, but remember - all kinds of morons have kids, and they're fine. Perfect is the enemy of good in this part of your life too
(my kids, and all my friends' and family's kids, wear and have worn hand-me-downs almost exclusively, except for fancy or special-occasion clothes)
Dude - relax! Becoming a parent is a real emotional roller-coaster, and it's hard to keep your perspective, especially with your first, but remember - all kinds of morons have kids, and they're fine. Perfect is the enemy of good in this part of your life too
(my kids, and all my friends' and family's kids, wear and have worn hand-me-downs almost exclusively, except for fancy or special-occasion clothes)
> all kinds of morons have kids, and they're fine
So, so true.
So, so true.
1) you're going to wash it, which will take care of most issues that could possibly occur
2) the factory where the new stuff was made could also have left some chemical residue on there, and that could be gone by the time you get used stuff. I don't say this because I think either scenario is likely, but because you can use it to calm your inner paranoid-parent-voice (which most parents have, btw). Used clothes have finished outgassing all the weird chemicals from the factory where they were made.
It's fine, we just wash it on high.
Ask your OB about it though if you want a more professional opinion.
Ask your OB about it though if you want a more professional opinion.
Give it 1 cycle through the wash and it'll be fine.
On a non-monetary note, here's some advice I gave my brother recently. (My daughter is now 15 months old, and I was thinking about what advice I wish I'd been given before she was born):
1) Remember at all times that no matter how tired you are, your partner is almost certainly much more tired. Basically, give her a free pass for the first few months, if not longer. (The hormonal changes a few days in are no fun either)
2) There is no point comforting a crying baby - they just don't understand what you're trying to do. Distract the fuck out of them instead. (This from a baby psychologist on a BBC documentary.)
3) Babies are their own tutorial. They start off really simple, with about three things to remember, and then once you've got the hang of those things they start adding new ones on. But you don't need to panic about whether you can do it, it's not complicated, just full on.
4) Bonding - do not panic if it takes you six months (or longer) to fall in love with your child. I certainly felt incredibly protective of Sophia from the moment she was born, but I didn't feel fully connected to her until she was able to smile at me, and we could have some kind of interaction. It's really easy to feel awful because all the TV and movies says it happens instantly, but it can take a fair while, so don't worry about it.
5) Ignore any advice you don't like.
https://andrewducker.dreamwidth.org/3746257.html
1) Remember at all times that no matter how tired you are, your partner is almost certainly much more tired. Basically, give her a free pass for the first few months, if not longer. (The hormonal changes a few days in are no fun either)
2) There is no point comforting a crying baby - they just don't understand what you're trying to do. Distract the fuck out of them instead. (This from a baby psychologist on a BBC documentary.)
3) Babies are their own tutorial. They start off really simple, with about three things to remember, and then once you've got the hang of those things they start adding new ones on. But you don't need to panic about whether you can do it, it's not complicated, just full on.
4) Bonding - do not panic if it takes you six months (or longer) to fall in love with your child. I certainly felt incredibly protective of Sophia from the moment she was born, but I didn't feel fully connected to her until she was able to smile at me, and we could have some kind of interaction. It's really easy to feel awful because all the TV and movies says it happens instantly, but it can take a fair while, so don't worry about it.
5) Ignore any advice you don't like.
https://andrewducker.dreamwidth.org/3746257.html
> There is no point comforting a crying baby
I've had 3 children, and found this to be 100% false. Every crying baby has a reason, and if you build a checklist of things to check, almost all babies can be calmed down. I say almost, because there are exceptions to everything.
It has been years, so I no longer have the list in my head, but it boiled down to making sure everything in their environment is in moderation. Not too hot, not too cold, not overstimulated, not under-stimulated. Are they hungry? Wet? Dirty? Tired? Scared? ... you get the idea. Sure, "comforting" them by telling them things will be OK isn't effective. But finding and fixing problems works. And most of us folk on HN are good at such things.
I've had 3 children, and found this to be 100% false. Every crying baby has a reason, and if you build a checklist of things to check, almost all babies can be calmed down. I say almost, because there are exceptions to everything.
It has been years, so I no longer have the list in my head, but it boiled down to making sure everything in their environment is in moderation. Not too hot, not too cold, not overstimulated, not under-stimulated. Are they hungry? Wet? Dirty? Tired? Scared? ... you get the idea. Sure, "comforting" them by telling them things will be OK isn't effective. But finding and fixing problems works. And most of us folk on HN are good at such things.
So true. I think the idea that a newborn should be left on its own is pretty terrible. No 1-month-old is going to be able to logically determine that you're not going to show up for them. All they know is that something is wrong. Rock your kid to sleep. Love them. Once they get to the point where you can reason with them you can leave them alone, since then they know why you're doing it.
This is good advice. I've got 7 kids and can verify this. To add a bit more to it, teach your babies how to fall asleep without you rocking them for hours. It's a skill and one few of them learn on their own. Your life will get incredibly easier once they're sleeping through the night and mom and dad can sleep through the night as well. A recommended book is 'On Becoming Baby Wise'. Worked for our 7 - all them were sleeping 8+ hours at night before 12 weeks old.
Some nicely sleep 8+ hours a night before they're 12 weeks old, and then decide to kick this nice habit after 6 months.
Holy shit dude, seven kids?
On a more serious note: how do you teach them to fall asleep without rocking then for hours?
On a more serious note: how do you teach them to fall asleep without rocking then for hours?
In short, ignore them... for actual details, you can google "Cry it out". There are a variety of techniques, varying from letting them cry for 5 minutes, to just letting them cry. Most modern ideas lean towards the 5 minute route, starting when they are close to 6 months old, as then they are old enough to not need feeding overnight.
It does work. Kids do learn that crying doesn't bring any attention, so they stop, and learn a sleeping routine. And with 7 kids, I can understand the appeal. With less kids, we went another route. When my kids were little, there was research saying these techniques were not healthy, but in the last 10 years newer studies have said they are OK. But it is a heated debate among parents.
Ultimately, every parent needs to make their own choice.
It does work. Kids do learn that crying doesn't bring any attention, so they stop, and learn a sleeping routine. And with 7 kids, I can understand the appeal. With less kids, we went another route. When my kids were little, there was research saying these techniques were not healthy, but in the last 10 years newer studies have said they are OK. But it is a heated debate among parents.
Ultimately, every parent needs to make their own choice.
Hi, Please ask if any part of my post is ambiguous (I'm not a native english speaker).
- Not leaving the baby alone especially when she cries, is simply one of the most important things. The first year is the time of developing the confidence. I recommend this: https://www.parentingscience.com/strange-situation.html
- Later, at age of 1..2 years: limits, rules will be more important. Without limits the child would not feel safe, and often tends to put control in her own hands, which is not her responsibility at that age. Also see: "fear of losing control". IMHO its especially hard if you've done right all the 1st year. :)
- Playing with her is a lot more important than giving toys.
- Tantrum is not a problem, even if it lasts for 30-40 minutes. It is an emotional expression, saying something like "Help, I lost the attachment to you!" A good limit for example: She must not hurt anybody, but expressing emotions is allowed.
- Screen, phone, tablet, Youtube, etc. is forbidden until 5 years, later time-limited (if inevitable). I know that a lot of people are opposed.
Yes, being a parent is challenging.
- Not leaving the baby alone especially when she cries, is simply one of the most important things. The first year is the time of developing the confidence. I recommend this: https://www.parentingscience.com/strange-situation.html
- Later, at age of 1..2 years: limits, rules will be more important. Without limits the child would not feel safe, and often tends to put control in her own hands, which is not her responsibility at that age. Also see: "fear of losing control". IMHO its especially hard if you've done right all the 1st year. :)
- Playing with her is a lot more important than giving toys.
- Tantrum is not a problem, even if it lasts for 30-40 minutes. It is an emotional expression, saying something like "Help, I lost the attachment to you!" A good limit for example: She must not hurt anybody, but expressing emotions is allowed.
- Screen, phone, tablet, Youtube, etc. is forbidden until 5 years, later time-limited (if inevitable). I know that a lot of people are opposed.
Yes, being a parent is challenging.
I love everything you said. Though I expect to find this aspect easier to me, I'm worried about my wife. Thanks for the honest advice though.
I'll add on to the "comfort crying baby" point ... once you cover the basics (clean? fed? dry? warm? burped? etc), sometimes babies just cry, and that's ok. Obviously you should be mindful and watchful over their condition, but there's no need to be stressed over a crying child in the short term as long as you've made sure everything is ok.
I'm only mentioning it because with my first (daughter) I would get really stressed and worried if she continued to cry after I did all the above. Just talk to them, play with them, and all will be good :)
I'm only mentioning it because with my first (daughter) I would get really stressed and worried if she continued to cry after I did all the above. Just talk to them, play with them, and all will be good :)
What is a free pass?
taking more than your share of the responsibilities while still assuming a good faith effort on their part, it's understanding that they are working with a diminished ability to do work and cannot supply a purely logical 50% of all required behaviour
it means being very generous
it means being very generous
Congratulations!
1. Get a health insurance for you and your wife if you don’t already have one. That takes care of large unexpected costs.
2. Make a budget for next 2 years. This will show how much money you might actually need.
3. Build savings from today. You should be able to make good savings by the time your baby is born.
4. Not sure what you do. If possible find a way to build long term relationships with your clients.
5. Doing 2 projects, about half time for each is also a good idea. Gives you a safety net.
6. Choose clients that have good cash flow. Funding or profitability.
It’s important not to freak out now. Your wife needs a lot of support and you should be there. Also, first time dads under estimate the support they will get from friends, family and the system in general. It should be manageable!
1. Get a health insurance for you and your wife if you don’t already have one. That takes care of large unexpected costs.
2. Make a budget for next 2 years. This will show how much money you might actually need.
3. Build savings from today. You should be able to make good savings by the time your baby is born.
4. Not sure what you do. If possible find a way to build long term relationships with your clients.
5. Doing 2 projects, about half time for each is also a good idea. Gives you a safety net.
6. Choose clients that have good cash flow. Funding or profitability.
It’s important not to freak out now. Your wife needs a lot of support and you should be there. Also, first time dads under estimate the support they will get from friends, family and the system in general. It should be manageable!
7. Make sure to be there for both you wife as well as your child, i.e. don't be an absent dad. Your child(ren) will fare much better spending extra hours with you present than they will with the extra earnings those hours would make your family. Money is a means to an end, once the end has been met there are other things more important.
Is the government recommendation of $25k/yr per child accurate? To answer this:
> Make a budget for next 2 years. This will show how much money you might actually need.
How much does one need for a child?
> Make a budget for next 2 years. This will show how much money you might actually need.
How much does one need for a child?
Government numbers are hard to use in reality.
If you have insurance that should cover the medical. What share you apportion that to a child ...
Breast feeding saves money, makes for healthier children.
Diapers could kill you. We did disposable. Look for coupons and watch for sales, try to double dip that one.
Important things to remember: 1) kids want your time, not the crap you buy them. 2) you will make mistakes, just try to learn and move on. Anyone who says they did not is not being intellectually honest. 3) start reading and numbers as soon as possible. ABC 123 from day one.
Important things to remember: 1) kids want your time, not the crap you buy them. 2) you will make mistakes, just try to learn and move on. Anyone who says they did not is not being intellectually honest. 3) start reading and numbers as soon as possible. ABC 123 from day one.
Thanks! That is helpful.
Also check what your insurance covers in regard to the child birth. Try to get the plan with the best coverage and least amount of deductibles.
We walked away paying nothing where friends in the same hospital had to pay a few thousand.
You can always change your plan after the kid is born or at the next open enrollment.
We walked away paying nothing where friends in the same hospital had to pay a few thousand.
You can always change your plan after the kid is born or at the next open enrollment.
My son was born less than a week after my 20th birthday. I had been doing odd software contracts to make money, but those weren't consistent. Here's what I did: I picked up 3rd shifts at McDonald's while recruiters floated my resume to a few companies. Yep. I had no college, no professional experience at anything, so I got the one job I could definitely get while I worked on making a better one possible (doing interviews, working on my portfolio, etc). Eventually I landed a full-time software job in a city 2 hours away. We moved down there and the rest is history. I should say that I was also buying baby food with WIC, and my parents provided a critical safety net when I would occasionally run out of money before payday.
Nowadays, I'm gainfully employed at a rate that disqualifies me from public assistance anywhere, and I have gotten all of my software jobs through Angel.co and Hired. I'm not the world's most talented engineer or likable person, but I've managed to work alongside some very talented and likable people. I think most people with an in-demand skill like software engineering can do what I did and make their way to a stable income that they can raise a family on.
Nowadays, I'm gainfully employed at a rate that disqualifies me from public assistance anywhere, and I have gotten all of my software jobs through Angel.co and Hired. I'm not the world's most talented engineer or likable person, but I've managed to work alongside some very talented and likable people. I think most people with an in-demand skill like software engineering can do what I did and make their way to a stable income that they can raise a family on.
Congrats! As someone else said, make sure you have a healthy buffer of cash. Unexpected doctor visits come up, you'll want to take the kid somewhere and they go through diapers really fast in the beginning. Also make sure you and your partner can communicate and have plans for sleeping and babycare. My son is just two months and we've finally figured out a sleep routine since we had both been getting up when we started to fuss or cry at night to eat. If you need any advice, have questions, or just want to talk I can send you my email.
"they go through diapers really fast"
This is where a membership to a wholesale place like Costco becomes a no-brainer. Diapers, wipes and formula are best bought in bulk.
This is where a membership to a wholesale place like Costco becomes a no-brainer. Diapers, wipes and formula are best bought in bulk.
I do not want to be a nay sayer, but often the costco bulks are a rip off. Specifically paper products. Of course their hotdogs are a good cheap meal ...
Get the calculator out and do the math. With coupons I often bought the smaller packages and saved money. Then the next month the bigger ones. When we had kids we often bought diapers at Toys-r-us / babies-r-us, but I think they are out of business. In the end shop around. Ask others. Friends and neighbors will save / grab coupons to help you out.
Get the calculator out and do the math. With coupons I often bought the smaller packages and saved money. Then the next month the bigger ones. When we had kids we often bought diapers at Toys-r-us / babies-r-us, but I think they are out of business. In the end shop around. Ask others. Friends and neighbors will save / grab coupons to help you out.
Agreed, the prices on diapers at costco are fantastic, but even better the quality of the diaper is on par with [insert-brand-name] diapers.
This is not the case with most discount or offbrand diapers. We did try one of the diaper online services (not the big one) and found the quality to be off putting.
I've been avoiding costco my entire adult life, but I finally find the membership worth it.
This is not the case with most discount or offbrand diapers. We did try one of the diaper online services (not the big one) and found the quality to be off putting.
I've been avoiding costco my entire adult life, but I finally find the membership worth it.
Don't see much mention of it in other comments so for what it's worth.. don't underestimate the importance of being involved in a community. While I would personally suggest a church community, it could be anything as long as you're open to receiving help and giving it to others when you can. Nobody wants to feel like a charity case but anyone who has had kids understands how hard it is and people are often willing to give you a hand with babysitting occasionally or with food/supplies. Good luck and congratulations!
What field are you in?
You could switch to a corporate job for steady income and it usually comes with decent benefits.
Honestly, you really want to budget very well. We are planning on having a child sometime next year. We created a plan. Bought a house, remodeled. Now, we are going to aggressively save $50k, so we can survive 12 months without any income if we ever need to. After we save $50k, we will focus on aggressively paying of the house, and investing 1k a month. My health is so so, therefore I am not sure how much time I got.
As far as career goes, I will most likely start consulting in a few years, as I have experience with the full life cycle of applications, even forcefully extracting requirements.
You could switch to a corporate job for steady income and it usually comes with decent benefits.
Honestly, you really want to budget very well. We are planning on having a child sometime next year. We created a plan. Bought a house, remodeled. Now, we are going to aggressively save $50k, so we can survive 12 months without any income if we ever need to. After we save $50k, we will focus on aggressively paying of the house, and investing 1k a month. My health is so so, therefore I am not sure how much time I got.
As far as career goes, I will most likely start consulting in a few years, as I have experience with the full life cycle of applications, even forcefully extracting requirements.
Save your money. Live to the lowest standard you can.
I had my business start to fail while my second was born. I thought I wouldn’t recover it. I did. It is survivable.
I now have three, but my income is still significantly down. Thriftiness and creativity will do you wonders. Budget and save, even if it’s a little bit.
Some wise financial advice I received as a young man went like this...
Those that make little but save a dollar are better off financially than those that make more but spend a dollar.
The stress of debt will do more harm to you than anything. Try to stay out of it, enjoy these next years, you’ll never get back your children’s early years, but you will always recover finances or a career.
Good luck!
I had my business start to fail while my second was born. I thought I wouldn’t recover it. I did. It is survivable.
I now have three, but my income is still significantly down. Thriftiness and creativity will do you wonders. Budget and save, even if it’s a little bit.
Some wise financial advice I received as a young man went like this...
Those that make little but save a dollar are better off financially than those that make more but spend a dollar.
The stress of debt will do more harm to you than anything. Try to stay out of it, enjoy these next years, you’ll never get back your children’s early years, but you will always recover finances or a career.
Good luck!
When me and my gf got pregnant I was part of a startup and was contributing to random hacking groups for burning man, music festivals, etc.
What happened was that I stopped doing anything that did not pay me and started working all my hours on the most profitable and constant stream of work (in my case a 20 hours a week gig for $20usd an hour while working from Colombia where minimum wage was $2 usd an hour at the time). In my young mind this was the equivalent of kind of failing: not doing the most interesting stuff and just going for the money.
But this worked out pretty well, all of the sudden the Django skills that I had got in 2007 doing not for profit projects were in full demand in Enterprise by 2012 and onwards and I got to $60, $80, $100, $120 usd an hour as I did more specific projects for bigger clients.
Short version: Go for the boring stable job because the most important thing is providing roof and food for your family. It will work out, God permitting.
What happened was that I stopped doing anything that did not pay me and started working all my hours on the most profitable and constant stream of work (in my case a 20 hours a week gig for $20usd an hour while working from Colombia where minimum wage was $2 usd an hour at the time). In my young mind this was the equivalent of kind of failing: not doing the most interesting stuff and just going for the money.
But this worked out pretty well, all of the sudden the Django skills that I had got in 2007 doing not for profit projects were in full demand in Enterprise by 2012 and onwards and I got to $60, $80, $100, $120 usd an hour as I did more specific projects for bigger clients.
Short version: Go for the boring stable job because the most important thing is providing roof and food for your family. It will work out, God permitting.
Congrats!
Diversify the income stream. If you make most of your money freelancing, consider doing some pluralsight courses or writing a book. I highly recommend reading this article [1] from Troy Hunt (creator of HaveIBeenPwned) on some of the finance lessons he's learned.
You might also look at working part time with a regular client at a cheaper rate, or modifying your contract to ensure more regularity, especially if you can manage to get benefits.
[1] - https://www.troyhunt.com/10-personal-finance-lessons-for-tec...
Diversify the income stream. If you make most of your money freelancing, consider doing some pluralsight courses or writing a book. I highly recommend reading this article [1] from Troy Hunt (creator of HaveIBeenPwned) on some of the finance lessons he's learned.
You might also look at working part time with a regular client at a cheaper rate, or modifying your contract to ensure more regularity, especially if you can manage to get benefits.
[1] - https://www.troyhunt.com/10-personal-finance-lessons-for-tec...
First of all, congrats! I wanna tell you things I wish someone had told me, some of which will involve your career.
Assuming you and your partner live together-- you will have a strong hint if you're having a boy or a girl by how the pregnancy affects the woman. Girls generally are a sleepy pregnancy. Boys are generally energetic pregnancies. This has to do with the fetus producing sex hormones which affect the mother.
Being a parent is a marathon, not a race. I burned myself out before the baby was even born trying to be everything to everyone. Trying to keep my wife happy, trying to keep an employer that could never be happy satisfied. Let me repeat this point. You need to separate yourself from things that can't be satisfied. From employers whom you can never work enough for, from people who use all of your time and energy.
From now on, your life will be about stability. Children thrive on stability, and you will too. When you enter the stability mindset suddenly whole swaths of society make sense.
You're going to have a hard time getting a job with a child. You won't have time to study interview ephemera. Your hair will turn gray from lack of sleep. You won't have time to participate in the latest fads, or to get drinks after work, and you will be judged for that.
But all the meanwhile, you'll be doing something vastly more important.
Assuming you and your partner live together-- you will have a strong hint if you're having a boy or a girl by how the pregnancy affects the woman. Girls generally are a sleepy pregnancy. Boys are generally energetic pregnancies. This has to do with the fetus producing sex hormones which affect the mother.
Being a parent is a marathon, not a race. I burned myself out before the baby was even born trying to be everything to everyone. Trying to keep my wife happy, trying to keep an employer that could never be happy satisfied. Let me repeat this point. You need to separate yourself from things that can't be satisfied. From employers whom you can never work enough for, from people who use all of your time and energy.
From now on, your life will be about stability. Children thrive on stability, and you will too. When you enter the stability mindset suddenly whole swaths of society make sense.
You're going to have a hard time getting a job with a child. You won't have time to study interview ephemera. Your hair will turn gray from lack of sleep. You won't have time to participate in the latest fads, or to get drinks after work, and you will be judged for that.
But all the meanwhile, you'll be doing something vastly more important.
Congratulations. Cherish it ! Take care of your partner - eat healthy food.
I would like to add - stop worrying. Yes you don't have a predictable income, but your constant worrying about it will hamper your ability to have one. It is a vicious loop. Be calm, keep improving your skills and producing better results. In your anxiety to provide for your kid, it is easy to forget to actually "be" with them, love them. Children can easily pick these things in you. Read/tell them stories every night. Goof off with them - this is your chance to be a kid again !! It is surprising how easily you can get away with "my kids insist I do/play this with them" :)!. The world can wait, it will be there still, when you return to it.
Like others have said, lower your costs - increase your savings. Keep increasing your Savings Rate. Drop things that cost but add little/no value. Convenience has a cost - Embrace inconvenience. Prefer buying used things, learn to invest at a low cost. Stay healthy. Parks and libraries are free, use them over other forms of entertainments.
I would like to add - stop worrying. Yes you don't have a predictable income, but your constant worrying about it will hamper your ability to have one. It is a vicious loop. Be calm, keep improving your skills and producing better results. In your anxiety to provide for your kid, it is easy to forget to actually "be" with them, love them. Children can easily pick these things in you. Read/tell them stories every night. Goof off with them - this is your chance to be a kid again !! It is surprising how easily you can get away with "my kids insist I do/play this with them" :)!. The world can wait, it will be there still, when you return to it.
Like others have said, lower your costs - increase your savings. Keep increasing your Savings Rate. Drop things that cost but add little/no value. Convenience has a cost - Embrace inconvenience. Prefer buying used things, learn to invest at a low cost. Stay healthy. Parks and libraries are free, use them over other forms of entertainments.
Congrats!
It really depends on your current situation, so to be more helpful please answer these:
1) how much savings do you have?
2) assuming a spouse, will the spouse continue to work? Do you have parents nearby who can help with childcare?
3) can you clarify your earnings, maybe with yearly breakdown of the past 5 years?
4) where are you located (country at least)?
Option 1) Get a regular job with health benefits. If you're a programmer in the US with some experience, $65-80K should be readily attainable. Certainly much more depending on location and abilities. Likely the least stressful but more boring option.
Option 2) diversify the income as vorpalhex said. This will be more stressful. You do need to figure out your "minimum expenses" and budget for that. You can't afford to go 1 year without making anything unless you've got significant money banked.
One datapoint: in a US midwestern city, a conservative baby/toddler budget is running me about $4-6K not including increased medical. Set a budget just assuming you're going to max your out-of-pocket every year. 1 birth + 1 ER visit will usually get you there.
It really depends on your current situation, so to be more helpful please answer these:
1) how much savings do you have?
2) assuming a spouse, will the spouse continue to work? Do you have parents nearby who can help with childcare?
3) can you clarify your earnings, maybe with yearly breakdown of the past 5 years?
4) where are you located (country at least)?
Option 1) Get a regular job with health benefits. If you're a programmer in the US with some experience, $65-80K should be readily attainable. Certainly much more depending on location and abilities. Likely the least stressful but more boring option.
Option 2) diversify the income as vorpalhex said. This will be more stressful. You do need to figure out your "minimum expenses" and budget for that. You can't afford to go 1 year without making anything unless you've got significant money banked.
One datapoint: in a US midwestern city, a conservative baby/toddler budget is running me about $4-6K not including increased medical. Set a budget just assuming you're going to max your out-of-pocket every year. 1 birth + 1 ER visit will usually get you there.
I have small saving (<10k) and I run my own dev agency which just survived dramatic founders separation. We live in Ethiopia but my wife is American. I think she just stopped paying for healthcare . I didn't wanna bring it up just now.
Ohh the one advantage I have is that my parents and older sisters live cloth by. So, at least, no baby sitter concerns.
Beyond the advice of "healthy buffers of cash" - which is good advice - you might want to get your sleep now.
I don't mean that you should oversleep - since you want to balance your time in order build up as much cash as possible NOW...What I mean is: don't go out and party much now. You will not have enough sleep when your baby arrives, so sleep now.
Beyond cash and sleep, begin to work out a system (AHEAD of time) with your partner - including who will sleep while the other is on pager duty - er, I mean, feeding/diaper duty. In addition to organizing duties, communicate, communicate, and communicate with your partner NOW, DURING, and AFTER your baby arrives. Communication is so important during projects, and this is vastly more important than other projects, so it makes sense that communication with your partner is essential.
You (and your partner) are about to put a dent into the universe; cheers, congratulations, and best of luck!
I don't mean that you should oversleep - since you want to balance your time in order build up as much cash as possible NOW...What I mean is: don't go out and party much now. You will not have enough sleep when your baby arrives, so sleep now.
Beyond cash and sleep, begin to work out a system (AHEAD of time) with your partner - including who will sleep while the other is on pager duty - er, I mean, feeding/diaper duty. In addition to organizing duties, communicate, communicate, and communicate with your partner NOW, DURING, and AFTER your baby arrives. Communication is so important during projects, and this is vastly more important than other projects, so it makes sense that communication with your partner is essential.
You (and your partner) are about to put a dent into the universe; cheers, congratulations, and best of luck!
Edit: We just came back from a long walk out. At first I was quiet and awkward. Then I talked about it and handled it better. I even told her how I asked the HN community for help and how it helped me. It turns out she did the same in some mom's community.
The advice she we got was completely different. Hers were things like 'take a cute pic'.
Mine were more practical and what I wanted to hear. Even though some of them were scary.
Maybe, I should have provided better context. Everyone assumed am from US or EU. Anyways, thanks for the help and sold advice. I was in the toilet shaking when I posted this. You guys helped me to think about it in a practical way. I still don't have a solid plan but I feel like I have a clear head.
If you don't live in the US/EU, basic things are pretty cheaper in RoW. The family/community ties tend to be stronger. You can live off well on a small budget and increase your savings if you ignore keeping up with the Jones's, societal trends or obligations.
Congratulations! Becoming a father involves so many great emotions and moments of excitement, fear, and wonder.
It's scary becoming a new parent. Having children is world changing, because you no longer have to think only about yourself — there is someone else who loves you, and depends completely upon you. There is no one that I've ever spoken with has ever said that they felt ready for this change. That's completely normal, and that's okay.
My wife and I were relatively young — age 21 — when we had our first son. Our situation was somewhat similar to yours in that we had a financial challenge; we learned how to utilize what was available to us. As others have said in this thread: your community and relationships are extremely valuable. It takes a village!
It's scary becoming a new parent. Having children is world changing, because you no longer have to think only about yourself — there is someone else who loves you, and depends completely upon you. There is no one that I've ever spoken with has ever said that they felt ready for this change. That's completely normal, and that's okay.
My wife and I were relatively young — age 21 — when we had our first son. Our situation was somewhat similar to yours in that we had a financial challenge; we learned how to utilize what was available to us. As others have said in this thread: your community and relationships are extremely valuable. It takes a village!
Many of us here started with a family and no money and now the children are older have money. Life is a bit back to front that way.
My advice is work hard. Knowing you have provided for your family is one of the great joys of life. Whether that means the $20 second birthday dinner you paid for or helping your twenty year old through uni. Provide what needs provided.
My journey was being the photocopy guy in a school, advertising fixing computers in the newspaper at night, getting a degree with the Open University, being an IT Technician and now leading an Infrastructure Team for a saas company. I also have a sideline which my company let’s me work on one day a week. Do what you have to do :-)
My advice is work hard. Knowing you have provided for your family is one of the great joys of life. Whether that means the $20 second birthday dinner you paid for or helping your twenty year old through uni. Provide what needs provided.
My journey was being the photocopy guy in a school, advertising fixing computers in the newspaper at night, getting a degree with the Open University, being an IT Technician and now leading an Infrastructure Team for a saas company. I also have a sideline which my company let’s me work on one day a week. Do what you have to do :-)
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If you have inconsistent income you have to have a healthy buffer of cash that you can draw from in times where you aren't making a lot of money. Congratulations on becoming a dad!
Budget. Make your inconsistent income look like a steady one and plan how you're going to spend the money.
I use YNAB, and they have a bunch of articles / videos / podcasts about variable income, such as https://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=ynab%20variable%20inco...
I use YNAB, and they have a bunch of articles / videos / podcasts about variable income, such as https://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=ynab%20variable%20inco...
Wow, what an incredible journey you're embarking on. Congratulations to you -- I'm vicariously thrilled and terrified as I read this post :)
Regarding consistent income, one of the companies I work for offers part-time, fully remote contractor work conducting technical interviews. I use it as a way to keep a stable income while I pursue riskier ventures outside of that company and a lot of the folks working on the platform have very young families. I plan to use it as my sole income when I start a family of my own. It might be a good fit for you since it sounds like you'd want to continue doing your own contract work.
It pays $100 USD per 90-minute interview -- if this type of thing is interesting to you (or anyone reading, for that matter) -- feel free to send me an email! Details are in my profile.
Regarding consistent income, one of the companies I work for offers part-time, fully remote contractor work conducting technical interviews. I use it as a way to keep a stable income while I pursue riskier ventures outside of that company and a lot of the folks working on the platform have very young families. I plan to use it as my sole income when I start a family of my own. It might be a good fit for you since it sounds like you'd want to continue doing your own contract work.
It pays $100 USD per 90-minute interview -- if this type of thing is interesting to you (or anyone reading, for that matter) -- feel free to send me an email! Details are in my profile.
In my experience having a baby cost very little. There's an initial outlay for crib/buggy/etc, but you don't need to buy new - and if you have family nearby you probably can mostly use hand-me-downs (we did). Dunno where you live, but doctor visits for kids are free in a lot of Europe. Also - breastfeed!
I was in a similar 'unpredictable income' situation when I had my kid. Since you're on HN, I'm assuming that your income comes from some kind of knowledge work, and you have to be mentally sharp to be productive.
The best investment I ever made was to get a night nanny. This is someone who comes to your home at night and changes diapers, feeds the baby (or brings them to the mom to nurse without waking you up) and may also do basic domestic stuff like laundry and dishes while your partner adjusts to their new routine as a parent.
The cost is going to vary dramatically depending on where you live and whether your kid has any kind of special needs (e.g., if they're a premie you might want a night nanny who is also a registered nurse).
They will basically double your productivity during your waking hours since you will not be suffering (as much) from sleep deprivation.
The best investment I ever made was to get a night nanny. This is someone who comes to your home at night and changes diapers, feeds the baby (or brings them to the mom to nurse without waking you up) and may also do basic domestic stuff like laundry and dishes while your partner adjusts to their new routine as a parent.
The cost is going to vary dramatically depending on where you live and whether your kid has any kind of special needs (e.g., if they're a premie you might want a night nanny who is also a registered nurse).
They will basically double your productivity during your waking hours since you will not be suffering (as much) from sleep deprivation.
Congratulations.
It's a good idea to have a list of must have's/nice to have supplies for the baby. Stick to the must have's, skip the others. You will spend less money and avoid having too much stuff afterwards.
The money you save this way you can use it as a buffer for the periods with limited income.
It's a good idea to have a list of must have's/nice to have supplies for the baby. Stick to the must have's, skip the others. You will spend less money and avoid having too much stuff afterwards.
The money you save this way you can use it as a buffer for the periods with limited income.
Plenty of people with less financial stability than yourself are parents and do just fine. The most important part, more than any other advice is to just show up. A lot of people overestimate what it takes to be a good parent. Be there, be present, and the rest tends to fall into place.
Congratulations. Not sure if this will work for you or not but this is what I did -
* Make sure you have a good health insurance plan.
* 529 account - the day my kids were born I started a recurring deposit 100 with some extra deposit on events like tax refund/bonus etc. I want to have enough to support public college tution.
* whatever I have left after mortgage and monthly expenses, I contribute to each of my accounts in specified order, going to next account only when I reach max limit for that account
* Make sure you have a good health insurance plan.
* 529 account - the day my kids were born I started a recurring deposit 100 with some extra deposit on events like tax refund/bonus etc. I want to have enough to support public college tution.
* whatever I have left after mortgage and monthly expenses, I contribute to each of my accounts in specified order, going to next account only when I reach max limit for that account
- Checking account (limit 2 months of expenses)
- Online savings account for emergencies (limit 6 months of expenses)
- Roth IRA for both my wife and me (limit IRS prescribed limit around 6K per year)
- Retirement accounts (Robo advisors : regular investment account/IRA)Definitely read the book Bringing Up Bébé: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting.
Getting the baby to sleep through the night is something you want to do as soon as possible.
Your also going to want to get really good at time management. With one kid, you are allowed one hobby. Once you have two kids you can have a hobby once in a blue moon.
If you can get a stable gig, I would recommend it. Diaper prices recently went up.
Getting the baby to sleep through the night is something you want to do as soon as possible.
Your also going to want to get really good at time management. With one kid, you are allowed one hobby. Once you have two kids you can have a hobby once in a blue moon.
If you can get a stable gig, I would recommend it. Diaper prices recently went up.
Just remember in the beginning. It’s basically 3 things that will make a baby cry. Those are needing a diaper changed, hungry or tired. Also if you want to gain brownie points with the wife. Switch off with her for caring for the baby. Just realize your both going to be tired. The switching back and forth with the care not only helps avoid arguments but also is nice getting a few extra hours of sleep.
Congrats. I owe my career and the opportunity to bring my family to the states thanks to Upwork.
With that level of income I could save for the trip, home, car, the works. It opened up a huge market for me and ultimate gave my everything. Try that platform to find work I'm assuming you are a programmer or something related since you're on HN.
Also, try not to freelance as much, it's too unpredictable for children.
With that level of income I could save for the trip, home, car, the works. It opened up a huge market for me and ultimate gave my everything. Try that platform to find work I'm assuming you are a programmer or something related since you're on HN.
Also, try not to freelance as much, it's too unpredictable for children.
Look for Daddy-bootcamps, as well as all the other kind of classes available. These classes are often times free or pretty inexpensive. You don't even have to belong to the Hospitals that they're presented at a lot of times.
I went to a daddy bootcamp, breast feeding with my wife, baby-care, etc... All of which were extremely informative and helpful.
Congratulations!
I went to a daddy bootcamp, breast feeding with my wife, baby-care, etc... All of which were extremely informative and helpful.
Congratulations!
Why can't you just buffer money on your business bank account, and thus give yourself a steady salary on a private account?
You always have the option to switch careers.
Find a permanent job at BigCo. Take mortgage and buy a house. Spend lots of time with family and support your wife morally, but do not "spoil" her. Start saving for kid(s) education. Plan for 2. Congrats and good luck.
Congratulations, your life is about to change in all sorts of ways. One of them is that you are now responsible for others, not just yourself. Accept this, don't freak out and think Cooley and rationally what needs to be done.
Congratulations!
Get a steady gig. Life is about to get real. (BTW, kids are the greatest.)
Get a steady gig. Life is about to get real. (BTW, kids are the greatest.)
Hey man, first off... no judgement intended, but look on Glass Door and make sure you're being paid appropriately for your line of work in your region. And... consider moving to a region that pays more. Just saying, $50k seems low for tech / anything that would bring you to the Hacker News community.
If you're freelancing, and sometimes you get paid and sometimes you don't, you need to work on getting clients to pay up-front (most are happy to do the first payment up-front at least), or at minimum make sure your contracts are solid and you're billing and following up for the work you did. (This is the bane of freelancing, and it gets more complex the more clients you have.) Fixing your contracts and invoicing will keep things consistent. Cut any client that doesn't pay on time, and never lift a finger to help someone who is behind on payments -- so many times people try and be "nice" but if they don't pay, they're just using you.
Generally speaking, so many issues are sorted out for you if you take a job at a bigger company. Stability, insurance, consistent pay... this is a huge draw for a lot of people. Freelancing is fun for diversity, and the pay can be better, but in the long-run most of my friends who work at big companies seem like they have more time for their families. Something to consider.
Savings is going to be key, and it's impossible to retroactively save, like it's impossible to retroactively diet, so you just fix the issues as you see them and try to avoid mistakes and stay healthy going forward. You need to find a way to get money saved up. It'll help with your stress. When I freelance, I try and keep 6 months of cash for all bills on hand. My mortgage, car payments, etc. -- should work dry up, I want runway to fix it.
The prerequisite to the above is having a budget. A lot of people just sort of spend what they spend, and don't think about it. This is lazy and wasteful. If you eat out a lot, set a budget... and consider scaling that down. When I first started tracking, I realized I was spending about $600 a month eating out. I cut that to $300 -- it was a bit harder at first, but I like cooking and meal prep, and within a year I went from eating out almost every meal to almost never eating out at all -- unless it's for work.
Once I had a budget, and my target savings goals, I got there by auditing my spend, and cutting expenses. Then putting aside 10% of my paycheck (for a few years), into paying off all debts and building savings. Once I hit the "cushion" goal, I still take 10% and put it into a 1) rainy day fund, and 2) retirement fund. The rainy day fund is for bigger purchases... things like, "Oh crap, I need a new AC," type stuff. It's invested, but it's more liquid -- I can turn it into cash inside of a week if needed.
For debts, it's not rocket science. Pay the ones with the higher interest rates first. Generally speaking. Credit card debt is horrible, and will doom you. Get it all paid off as quickly as you can. Then work on things like student loans, mortgages, etc. Keep in mind a lot of this debt helps you with your taxes... set up some time with a professional tax consultant and see what they say.
For a retirement account, and for a kid's college account, I just use a three-fund portfolio approach. https://www.bogleheads.org/wiki/Three-fund_portfolio It's simple enough, and I've beaten the market the last 10 years. Let the machines do it, I wasted money on a money manager for years... kicking myself. They always took 1% of my money... not just the profit. It was a rip off. And you can do this stuff yourself. (=
Setup some time to chat with a banker, but y'know... understand that they're out to make money too. If you're new to investing, they can help you with some of the basics... a Roth IRA, for example, if you don't already have one. Keep away from places like Edward Jones, the strip-mall shops have literally the worst returns vs. fees vs. risks (vs. environmentally friendly investment) ratios.
Anyway look, financial health, like fitness, or anything... isn't something you just do over night. It takes planning and effort to get where you want to go. Don't beat yourself up for past mistakes, learn from them and adjust going forward. Cheers!
If you're freelancing, and sometimes you get paid and sometimes you don't, you need to work on getting clients to pay up-front (most are happy to do the first payment up-front at least), or at minimum make sure your contracts are solid and you're billing and following up for the work you did. (This is the bane of freelancing, and it gets more complex the more clients you have.) Fixing your contracts and invoicing will keep things consistent. Cut any client that doesn't pay on time, and never lift a finger to help someone who is behind on payments -- so many times people try and be "nice" but if they don't pay, they're just using you.
Generally speaking, so many issues are sorted out for you if you take a job at a bigger company. Stability, insurance, consistent pay... this is a huge draw for a lot of people. Freelancing is fun for diversity, and the pay can be better, but in the long-run most of my friends who work at big companies seem like they have more time for their families. Something to consider.
Savings is going to be key, and it's impossible to retroactively save, like it's impossible to retroactively diet, so you just fix the issues as you see them and try to avoid mistakes and stay healthy going forward. You need to find a way to get money saved up. It'll help with your stress. When I freelance, I try and keep 6 months of cash for all bills on hand. My mortgage, car payments, etc. -- should work dry up, I want runway to fix it.
The prerequisite to the above is having a budget. A lot of people just sort of spend what they spend, and don't think about it. This is lazy and wasteful. If you eat out a lot, set a budget... and consider scaling that down. When I first started tracking, I realized I was spending about $600 a month eating out. I cut that to $300 -- it was a bit harder at first, but I like cooking and meal prep, and within a year I went from eating out almost every meal to almost never eating out at all -- unless it's for work.
Once I had a budget, and my target savings goals, I got there by auditing my spend, and cutting expenses. Then putting aside 10% of my paycheck (for a few years), into paying off all debts and building savings. Once I hit the "cushion" goal, I still take 10% and put it into a 1) rainy day fund, and 2) retirement fund. The rainy day fund is for bigger purchases... things like, "Oh crap, I need a new AC," type stuff. It's invested, but it's more liquid -- I can turn it into cash inside of a week if needed.
For debts, it's not rocket science. Pay the ones with the higher interest rates first. Generally speaking. Credit card debt is horrible, and will doom you. Get it all paid off as quickly as you can. Then work on things like student loans, mortgages, etc. Keep in mind a lot of this debt helps you with your taxes... set up some time with a professional tax consultant and see what they say.
For a retirement account, and for a kid's college account, I just use a three-fund portfolio approach. https://www.bogleheads.org/wiki/Three-fund_portfolio It's simple enough, and I've beaten the market the last 10 years. Let the machines do it, I wasted money on a money manager for years... kicking myself. They always took 1% of my money... not just the profit. It was a rip off. And you can do this stuff yourself. (=
Setup some time to chat with a banker, but y'know... understand that they're out to make money too. If you're new to investing, they can help you with some of the basics... a Roth IRA, for example, if you don't already have one. Keep away from places like Edward Jones, the strip-mall shops have literally the worst returns vs. fees vs. risks (vs. environmentally friendly investment) ratios.
Anyway look, financial health, like fitness, or anything... isn't something you just do over night. It takes planning and effort to get where you want to go. Don't beat yourself up for past mistakes, learn from them and adjust going forward. Cheers!
There are areas in Texas with moderately tech savvy industries where $50k can cover basic needs for a family of four with good housing (3BR/2BA with reasonable dimensions for all rooms and yard), savings, and an occasional splurge on entertainment.
Now in the SF Bay area, you've got to look at 2.5-4+ to keep that quality of life.
Useful salary, to some extent, is geographical.
The rest of what you're talking about, I've got nothing to add.
Now in the SF Bay area, you've got to look at 2.5-4+ to keep that quality of life.
Useful salary, to some extent, is geographical.
The rest of what you're talking about, I've got nothing to add.
Yup, always gotta watch that salary vs. cost of living ratio.
That's what ruled out Seattle, SF, LA, and NYC for me. I'm in Austin -- not the cheapest place in Texas, but your buck goes a long way here. Not as far as it went 15 years ago, but property investments have really paid off for me here.
https://www.bizjournals.com/austin/news/2019/06/24/studywhen...
That's what ruled out Seattle, SF, LA, and NYC for me. I'm in Austin -- not the cheapest place in Texas, but your buck goes a long way here. Not as far as it went 15 years ago, but property investments have really paid off for me here.
https://www.bizjournals.com/austin/news/2019/06/24/studywhen...
Congrats!
First thing you need to do is make sure it's yours? You don't want to be trapped taking care of someone else's child.