Most Americans Say Parents Do Too Much for Their Young Adult Children(pewsocialtrends.org)
pewsocialtrends.org
Most Americans Say Parents Do Too Much for Their Young Adult Children
https://www.pewsocialtrends.org/2019/10/23/majority-of-americans-say-parents-are-doing-too-much-for-their-young-adult-children/
32 comments
At the age of 28, I still receive help from my mother. She buys me food periodically and has given me well over $1500 this year to help survive.
That being said, I grew up in an abusive household, followed up by one that was incredibly unstable. I was incarcerated from most 16-21, with very little time out in the real world during that time.
Another person responding to this mentioned that parents "either pay for it now or later."
I find that to be incredibly true. I think that my mother helps me so much now because she sees how much I've struggled and how some of that struggle is inevitably due to her choices. I don't blame her, but(and this may sound incredibly entitled to some)I don't think she has too much of a right to throw me to the wolves so to speak. I can't remember a time I've been stable outside of the past 2-3 years and even now, I'm actively using IV opiates. A large chunk of my life seemed very much outside of my hands at a younger age and I don't necessarily know how much more I could've done for myself other than get to the point I'm at now.
I think a lot of people are messed up and need a lot of help. I think that if you make the decision to bring someone into this world, you don't stop being responsible for them after an arbitrary amount of rotations around the sun.
That being said, I grew up in an abusive household, followed up by one that was incredibly unstable. I was incarcerated from most 16-21, with very little time out in the real world during that time.
Another person responding to this mentioned that parents "either pay for it now or later."
I find that to be incredibly true. I think that my mother helps me so much now because she sees how much I've struggled and how some of that struggle is inevitably due to her choices. I don't blame her, but(and this may sound incredibly entitled to some)I don't think she has too much of a right to throw me to the wolves so to speak. I can't remember a time I've been stable outside of the past 2-3 years and even now, I'm actively using IV opiates. A large chunk of my life seemed very much outside of my hands at a younger age and I don't necessarily know how much more I could've done for myself other than get to the point I'm at now.
I think a lot of people are messed up and need a lot of help. I think that if you make the decision to bring someone into this world, you don't stop being responsible for them after an arbitrary amount of rotations around the sun.
I'm pretty sure 90% of my friends and peers in the 21 - 25 cohort receive financial help from their parents. This is due to the fact that they're either still in school, which is increasingly expensive, or that they can't find full-time jobs in their chosen fields, or that they've chosen to live at home to save money.
The past 30 years have been marked by the Great Recession, rising inequality and stagnant wages. What a surprise that the current young adult generation needs more financial help than their forebears!
As opposed to say the prior generations who lived through the Great Depression, WW2, the decade long stagflation of the 70’s.
We like to think we do, but we don’t live in unique times.
We like to think we do, but we don’t live in unique times.
I would've loved to go to college and buy a home during those time periods. Please don't act like it's the same as nowadays. Sure, there were struggles but the dollar was simply worth much more, education was much cheaper, and a house cost way less than it does now.
Not to mention healthcare costs!
Assuming you were a male who survived WW2 and didn’t have PTSD.
The post-WWII economy boom was the best time to be middle class. When else could you get an education for almost nothing and a house with a single income? Admittedly, we’re reaping what we’ve sown with regards to things like the automobile and suburban sprawl, but overall it used to be way easier to actually survive. Even the Great Depression saw the New Deal. What such hope do we have today? Who’s coming to save us?
As a parent of a 24 year old, it's easy for me to see how it can be hard to determine when it's time for your child to become financially independent.
Our decision making was made easy by a child who happily entered our least expensive state school, didn't mind living with us during school, and interned while in college straight into a stable job/career the day after graduation.
In rocketry terms, we had a good main engine burn to put him in GTO, now he's the ignited second stage, and we had a nominal launch.
Subtract any of the above (ideal) values, and I can see how a parent/child group can devolve into a possibly unhealthy situation.
Even with a plan for independence, the vagaries of life can easily lead the parties to want to alter the deal in light of adverse events.
Our decision making was made easy by a child who happily entered our least expensive state school, didn't mind living with us during school, and interned while in college straight into a stable job/career the day after graduation.
In rocketry terms, we had a good main engine burn to put him in GTO, now he's the ignited second stage, and we had a nominal launch.
Subtract any of the above (ideal) values, and I can see how a parent/child group can devolve into a possibly unhealthy situation.
Even with a plan for independence, the vagaries of life can easily lead the parties to want to alter the deal in light of adverse events.
sounds like you did a good job with yours. I'm 26 now and had a very similar path to independence.
provided the family can afford it, I think it's perfectly reasonable to help your offspring with stuff like food, clothing, and housing until they start making enough money that they can reasonably handle it themselves. my parents supported me enough that I never had to worry about making ends meet for essentials on top of my coursework, but it was modest enough that I was able to increase my standard of living quite a bit when I got my first full-time job and became independent.
I knew a couple people at college that would get $1000+ deposited in their account at the beginning of every month. they had a meal plan and a dorm on campus so this was just straight disposable cash. those kids had a really hard time adjusting to life after graduation. I honestly doubt they're actually independent (financially) even now.
provided the family can afford it, I think it's perfectly reasonable to help your offspring with stuff like food, clothing, and housing until they start making enough money that they can reasonably handle it themselves. my parents supported me enough that I never had to worry about making ends meet for essentials on top of my coursework, but it was modest enough that I was able to increase my standard of living quite a bit when I got my first full-time job and became independent.
I knew a couple people at college that would get $1000+ deposited in their account at the beginning of every month. they had a meal plan and a dorm on campus so this was just straight disposable cash. those kids had a really hard time adjusting to life after graduation. I honestly doubt they're actually independent (financially) even now.
As the parent of a four-year-old, I'm especially aware of what's happening among parents and children. And as a 50-year old, I've seen several generations grow up. What this situation involves is: pay now, or pay later. Doing everything you can and giving your child 100% when they're young and growing and learning is the time to teach them to be independent and confident. Not when they're 20+ years old. It's too late; you missed the train. And what parents say they do vs. what they do in reality is quite different. I watch it at playgrounds, kids' events, and each time I go with my daughter to a place with a lot of kids and their parents. The parents likely are looking at their phones or talking to one another, taking a "break" from parenting. I see parents bring their little kids to playgrounds, and they'll stay in their cars, and let the kids go run around with the playground and want me to push them in the swings and play with them, because their parents are in the car on their phone, smoking weed, listening to music, or just "taking a break." I see it all the time. And if that's the encouragement and attention they're giving them in public, it's likely even less back at home. But when they grow up to be helpless and have no coping skills and all the rest of the many characteristics that need to be instilled into a human to be a successfull adult, they scratch their heads and ask "what went wrong?" And usually try ot find fault with society, government, or some external factor that's responsible. They blew it.
So you are saying that the problem with young adults not being independent enough is that they were too independent of their parents as a child?
That doesn't sound right to me.
That doesn't sound right to me.
It might be that the skills involved in being independent (e.g. good habits around money / food / exercise / socialising / working) don't just come naturally but need to be inculcated from an early age at the cost of significant parental investment.
If they're too independent as children, they aren't taught how to be successful people, and then as young adults they end up relying on their parents as life becomes more difficult.
It sounds like you’re describing “helicopter parenting” on the playground as a means of creating independent adults. I feel quite the opposite. Independent kids become independent adults. Kids need to be given the freedom to fail, to fall, skin their knee, make their own friends, solve their own problems, without parental interference.
From what you describe, it sounds to me like these parents are not meddling in the lives of their children, which might instill a greater degree of the children feeling on their own at an earlier age rather than feeling strongly dependent upon guiding forces. I don't wish to encourage this manner of absent parenting, but what you describe of the parents' behavior sounds quite different from the things that would lead to the children feeling helpless and without coping skills — as they are already without their parents help and must cope on their own.
Most Americans don't know what humans need to thrive, believe in Independence over interdependence, and think denying children their needs is what's necessary.
My mother in law thinks we're raising a self-centered child because we immediately meet their needs. She's ignorant of trauma and the effects her parenting style had on my partner. She's only now learning about body autonomy. We had to ask her not to make our child the butt of jokes, especially those that play on our kid's lack of understanding or difficulty communicating clearly.
Our child only just turned one. I'm pretty sure the grandma who insists on investing in Bitcoin despite its environmental impact to further her own wealth is projecting a lot of nonsense.
That's what happens when someone raises a child to deny reality and believe in their own projected judgments: you get a confused old person who is unintentionally advising others to harm children by denying their needs.
There is nothing new to me about how she thinks. It's the norm for almost all the adults I grew up around.
My mother in law thinks we're raising a self-centered child because we immediately meet their needs. She's ignorant of trauma and the effects her parenting style had on my partner. She's only now learning about body autonomy. We had to ask her not to make our child the butt of jokes, especially those that play on our kid's lack of understanding or difficulty communicating clearly.
Our child only just turned one. I'm pretty sure the grandma who insists on investing in Bitcoin despite its environmental impact to further her own wealth is projecting a lot of nonsense.
That's what happens when someone raises a child to deny reality and believe in their own projected judgments: you get a confused old person who is unintentionally advising others to harm children by denying their needs.
There is nothing new to me about how she thinks. It's the norm for almost all the adults I grew up around.
> Our child only just turned one. I'm pretty sure the grandma who insists on investing in Bitcoin despite its environmental impact to further her own wealth is projecting a lot of nonsense.
How does this relate to your point about parenting?
How does this relate to your point about parenting?
I suspect it's intended to speak to self-centeredness.
Right. Her perspective has no basis in the reality of our family. She has no evidence for it aside from old notions of "spoiling" children by giving them what they need, which she conflates with extraneous desires.
I mean, I wasn't financially independent from my family until I was 25. Living with my parents for free and using the savings to afford college was the only reason why I was able to get a college education and become a developer.
I think the idea of kicking people out the moment they hit 18 isn't realistic anymore. Wages are not even high enough to be self-sufficient, let alone afford college without taking out exorbitant loans. Most of my college experience was spending hours past-class completing projects and doing extensive homework, so fitting in a job along with taking care of my disabled parents and trying to manage depression would've been a herculean effort. I already had to sacrifice quite a bit of my personal health in order to gamble on my college education leading to a good career.
I think the idea of kicking people out the moment they hit 18 isn't realistic anymore. Wages are not even high enough to be self-sufficient, let alone afford college without taking out exorbitant loans. Most of my college experience was spending hours past-class completing projects and doing extensive homework, so fitting in a job along with taking care of my disabled parents and trying to manage depression would've been a herculean effort. I already had to sacrifice quite a bit of my personal health in order to gamble on my college education leading to a good career.
Am I the only one to notice the questions in the graph don't have a logical correlation? If you translate them, most older adults think most younger adults should be independant, while most younger adults aren't.
This is just the complicated version of "youths are lazy". I find it intellectually dishonest to put the two questions in the same graph, as if one generations expectations should logically influence or be informed by the other's actions.
This is just the complicated version of "youths are lazy". I find it intellectually dishonest to put the two questions in the same graph, as if one generations expectations should logically influence or be informed by the other's actions.
Middle-class parents are desperately trying to obtain a middle-class life for their kids, in the face of a shrinking middle class. Many of them will fail. They'll blame themselves, or their kids.
Some of the kids are on the track from career to job to gig to homelessness. Or jail.
Some of the kids are on the track from career to job to gig to homelessness. Or jail.
Maybe those same people shouldn’t have voted for politicians who gutted public education and unions and made it impossible to build housing near any desirable jobs.
I actually think most twenty-somethings should live with their parents as I believe that is a particularly perilous age range.
I don't know about that. I lived with my parents through most of college and commuted 20 miles to campus. it made a lot of sense financially, but you definitely miss stuff commuting.
students who live on campus tend to make plans very spontaneously just based on who's around. I would often get invited to do stuff fifteen minutes before driving home, and I would decline a lot of the time since I knew my parents were already halfway through making dinner. it's hard to have full agency in your social life when you live with your parents.
students who live on campus tend to make plans very spontaneously just based on who's around. I would often get invited to do stuff fifteen minutes before driving home, and I would decline a lot of the time since I knew my parents were already halfway through making dinner. it's hard to have full agency in your social life when you live with your parents.
I agree... And perhaps put college off until after this phase passes.
In other news, old man shakes fist at cloud!
Americans have a very weak sense of family. We think our children should be independent the moment they turn 18 and then put our parents in homes instead of taking care of them ourselves.
If you're in your mid-20s and still get help from your parents then you really need to figure out what's going wrong. A parent's responsibility is to give a child the tools to succeed on their own as soon as possible. But most people are lousy parents who think their method doesn't suck and those flaws survive from generation to generation.
Turns out the tools to succeed are just called money.
I hate to post low content but 'surprise_pikachu.jpg'
I hate to post low content but 'surprise_pikachu.jpg'
This divergence is symptomatic of a broken society. It's easier to divide a bigger pie. The pie was bigger in 1980 and now we are dividing up the crumbs, so it's harder to get enough.
Parents helping their children longer in life is really the only solution. It's basically like, those who achieved financial independence in 1980 did so by taking from future generations, their own children, and are now being chastised for giving some of it back.
It's nonsensical to admonish parents for helping their children overcome the burdens society has placed on future generations by having already taken too much from the planet.
Let's just look at the burdens:
Of course parents have to help their children longer.