Ask HN: How do you deal with existential crisis?
49 comments
I’m currently going through one. Lost my religious beliefs, I have no friends, and I never have to leave my house cause I work remotely.
What keeps me going is my marriage and children. I have very problematic parents (homelessness, drug abuse, divorce). I also have multiple siblings. I have zero support or socializing from any of them.
Having people that rely on me for their well-being and knowing I can provide them a better life than I had is sustaining in the tough moments of dealing with an existential crisis.
It also helps that I strive for mastery of my craft. I’m a software architect and there is lots to learn. Even if it’s true that nothing matters, you have one life. Make it as best as you can. Very few humans can claim mastery in a skill.
What keeps me going is my marriage and children. I have very problematic parents (homelessness, drug abuse, divorce). I also have multiple siblings. I have zero support or socializing from any of them.
Having people that rely on me for their well-being and knowing I can provide them a better life than I had is sustaining in the tough moments of dealing with an existential crisis.
It also helps that I strive for mastery of my craft. I’m a software architect and there is lots to learn. Even if it’s true that nothing matters, you have one life. Make it as best as you can. Very few humans can claim mastery in a skill.
This is not an advice or example to follow by any stretch of imagination, but my case was similar. As soon as my kid was born, for me the missing piece of the puzzle finally found its place.
Why not? Cultures throughout history, part of becoming an adult was to start a family. Take that away, what does it mean to be an adult in the modern age?
You are assuming that there cannot be a culture with value so different that being adult does not have any meaning for it. Of course it would be rather short lived one (without new children its hard for any culture to propagate).
Ultimately it comes to simple systemic truth - the value of adulthood comes from its usefulness for culture survival - so in I believe it does not have any intrinsic value (its only valuable from the point of view of survival of culture).
That's a circular argument: the meaning of life is to create more life.
Isn’t that how feedback loops work?
Its brave to say it all, even if anonymous/pseudonymous. Please allow me to add one comment to this: Mastery (or "standing out" as I call it) sometimes comes with feelings of separation or being alone, because who else understands?
One solution for some sanity is mentorship or teaching: Giving your insight to others willing to learn. And this can range from helpful comments to writing a tutorial or even making a video howto about things you know and care about. This type of giving/interaction - at least for me - is like a cooling balm for the sore spots of not being able to discuss one's knowhow because few understand completly as I do. (Note: I'm not talking about pure knowledge or comprehension. I, for example, come knowledgewise from the intersection of IT, journalism and design. People in each area are probably much proficient in their pure "art", but when a problem/challenge touches all three or even only two parts, it seems that I have a different - as I percive it better and faster - understanding.)
One solution for some sanity is mentorship or teaching: Giving your insight to others willing to learn. And this can range from helpful comments to writing a tutorial or even making a video howto about things you know and care about. This type of giving/interaction - at least for me - is like a cooling balm for the sore spots of not being able to discuss one's knowhow because few understand completly as I do. (Note: I'm not talking about pure knowledge or comprehension. I, for example, come knowledgewise from the intersection of IT, journalism and design. People in each area are probably much proficient in their pure "art", but when a problem/challenge touches all three or even only two parts, it seems that I have a different - as I percive it better and faster - understanding.)
Thanks for sharing. I'm in a different boat but essentially the water is the same. I love the fact that you are striving for mastery of your craft. I don't have the luxury of that (switching jobs frequently) so I wish you good luck and stick ti your principles.
1. If you're just bored, humans get bored, get fit, go to a therapist, take an anti depressant, a/b test your life, do something different. One of Humans super powers is the unique ability to radically change our environments, try all the things, help people, volunteer, join a choir, check these things out: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4573018/
2. If this is existential Existential despair/doubt and existential hope are two sides of the same coin.
We don't know what's going on but we are clearly living in an age of exponential increase, wealth, knowledge, capability, etc. people existentially wonder if things have meaning, maybe take an ego check and wonder "what if everything does have meaning?", we don't know, that's just basic intellectual humility, find a new angle to investigate that.
Who knows, maybe if we keep at it and hang in there long enough shit will make sense before we die... but if that doesn't happen, what did we really lose by giving in to existential hope?
2. If this is existential Existential despair/doubt and existential hope are two sides of the same coin.
We don't know what's going on but we are clearly living in an age of exponential increase, wealth, knowledge, capability, etc. people existentially wonder if things have meaning, maybe take an ego check and wonder "what if everything does have meaning?", we don't know, that's just basic intellectual humility, find a new angle to investigate that.
Who knows, maybe if we keep at it and hang in there long enough shit will make sense before we die... but if that doesn't happen, what did we really lose by giving in to existential hope?
Your life may very well be meaningless to you.
However, if you ever improve life for other people, from very small ways (making them happier, helping them with something, relieving some distress, or simply providing companionship) to large ways (helping them through crises - maybe even saving their life) your life is not meaningless to them.
However, if you ever improve life for other people, from very small ways (making them happier, helping them with something, relieving some distress, or simply providing companionship) to large ways (helping them through crises - maybe even saving their life) your life is not meaningless to them.
"If you want to see a miracle, be a miracle." Sort of a trite platitude, but it is very easy to make a huge difference in someone's life. That can be a source of meaning.
I think at a relatively young age, I started having existential crises. Eventually I stopped fighting the darkness and accepted a lack of a god or afterlife, and accepted the ephemeral nature of life.
As a result, It motivated me to reframe what it meant for my life to have purpose. I instead started focusing really hard on not making my short amount of time go to waste. I wanted to work on things that had a positive impact on the world, keep humanity evolving intellectually and technologically, hopefully decreasing suffering in the process and more recently I've prioritized building wealth for my future family. We just had a baby and I'm realizing the next important thing I can do is set my son up to have what he needs to make more of a positive impact than I have.
As a result, It motivated me to reframe what it meant for my life to have purpose. I instead started focusing really hard on not making my short amount of time go to waste. I wanted to work on things that had a positive impact on the world, keep humanity evolving intellectually and technologically, hopefully decreasing suffering in the process and more recently I've prioritized building wealth for my future family. We just had a baby and I'm realizing the next important thing I can do is set my son up to have what he needs to make more of a positive impact than I have.
This didn’t stop happening to me until I had kids. I realized they’re the best meaning I’m gonna get. I’m not an amazing parent but I’m a “better than I expected” parent and encourage anyone on this site to have children.
Also personally I discovered there’s a bunch of foods I ate that cause me to start ruminating about things like that. So that helped some.
Also personally I discovered there’s a bunch of foods I ate that cause me to start ruminating about things like that. So that helped some.
Responding here for other readers. Not addressing you, wincy.
My family and children are also the center of my life, but be careful how you interpret these anecdotes and advice from others.
I've seen multiple friends seek out building a family aggressively, with unfortunately disastrous results.
Family can be a source of purpose and energy, but it can also be a drain of energy and locus of misery. There's nuance in how you approach it, who you are, and your circumstances. If you try to force building relationships and family for your own fulfillment, be aware that it can be very difficult to change your mind, especially if you have children. You should also think about whether it is ethical to bring people into existence if you yourself are wondering what the point is.
So, while family giving a sense of purpose is true for me and others, you probably shouldn't force that sort of thing, so that information is not practically useful.
My family and children are also the center of my life, but be careful how you interpret these anecdotes and advice from others.
I've seen multiple friends seek out building a family aggressively, with unfortunately disastrous results.
Family can be a source of purpose and energy, but it can also be a drain of energy and locus of misery. There's nuance in how you approach it, who you are, and your circumstances. If you try to force building relationships and family for your own fulfillment, be aware that it can be very difficult to change your mind, especially if you have children. You should also think about whether it is ethical to bring people into existence if you yourself are wondering what the point is.
So, while family giving a sense of purpose is true for me and others, you probably shouldn't force that sort of thing, so that information is not practically useful.
For me getting a kid actually accelerates the feeling of existential crisis. But maybe sticking with it for a few more years and kid can help solve that. Not 100% sure.
This happens to me as well. I think possibly certain foods trigger anxiety which leads to my mind trying to figure out what is wrong.
And if there is nothing obvious then my mind starts to dig deeper and deeper.
Maybe there is some sort of memory/emotional association here as well.
And if there is nothing obvious then my mind starts to dig deeper and deeper.
Maybe there is some sort of memory/emotional association here as well.
I find that any kind of stimulant causes this for me - being it caffeine or sugar. I get a kind of mental fog and after a while anxiety emerges (especially if I feel any kind of pain from my back or intestines).
This is fascinating, which foods had which effects, for you?
Food you eat makes you think about existential crisis?
It's not inconceivable. There is "crosstalk" between neurons in the gut and the neurons in the brain.
https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fendo.2021.7482...
https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fendo.2021.7482...
Also, amazingly, there are more neurons in a human gut than an entire cat’s brain. There is a lot going on down there.
Absolutely. The worst is asparagus. I called the gas company because I thought we had carbon monoxide poisoning or a gas leak or something.
Turns out it was asparagus. Go figure.
Turns out it was asparagus. Go figure.
I think everyone goes through this to some extent. Kind of a melancholic vibe which makes you feel you're at the wrong place at the wrong time.
If it happens too often for your liking, or it bums you too much, it might be worth to talk to a therapist about it. Maybe all you need is for a professional to tell you it's normal, or maybe it'll reveal something deeper that you'll want to explore with a therapist. In any case, it's worth investigating if it bothers you.
If it happens too often for your liking, or it bums you too much, it might be worth to talk to a therapist about it. Maybe all you need is for a professional to tell you it's normal, or maybe it'll reveal something deeper that you'll want to explore with a therapist. In any case, it's worth investigating if it bothers you.
I don't feel like everything is boring, but I have come to feel like the obstacles to doing anything I really want are so impenetrable, and so absurdly stupid, that life seems pretty meaningless to me. Sort of like "the banality of evil" but not quite evil, and now it's society at large and daily life. I didn't start this way, believe me.
I have felt a little like you describe at times in the past. Usually it's because I need something new. There's usually something that is interesting, even marginally so, and I try to dive into it. Some idea for a project, something involving some effort. It's very easy to have your life surrounded by sameness, sort of like overly specific recommendation systems. Breaking out of that is useful. You also never really know where something interesting will strike, so go looking for it. Start something new, a new project, a new exercise, a new activity, do something different.
Therapy can be helpful with the right therapist too, if you want to go that route. Just be honest with them and yourself or you won't get anything out of it.
I have felt a little like you describe at times in the past. Usually it's because I need something new. There's usually something that is interesting, even marginally so, and I try to dive into it. Some idea for a project, something involving some effort. It's very easy to have your life surrounded by sameness, sort of like overly specific recommendation systems. Breaking out of that is useful. You also never really know where something interesting will strike, so go looking for it. Start something new, a new project, a new exercise, a new activity, do something different.
Therapy can be helpful with the right therapist too, if you want to go that route. Just be honest with them and yourself or you won't get anything out of it.
I don't understand the obsession with therapy, and I don't understand it to the point that, outside of a real trauma (suicide, abuse, death, etc.), I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who is seeing a therapist. And to be clear, I had a brief experience, maybe 4 or 5 sessions, with therapy after a failed romantic relationship.
Aside from the fact that it was a waste of time and money - and it could be about me and the specific therapist in my case, not therapy as a practice - I realized that part of my problem was entrusting the solution of rather trivial problems to someone who didn't know me, was only interested in getting to know me in the context that I was paying for it, and aside from a few trivial questions he asked me, didn't do much.
What helped me was to start hanging out with someone again, because when one Pope is dead, we make another. And it is outsourcing the solution of personal issues the problem, it is a lack of ownership.
As far as existential crises go, my view is that dedicating yourself to something, and it could be multiple things, tends to solve most of these crises. I look at myself and I have a good salary (for some people it's out of this world), good looks, I'm decently smart and erudite, and sometimes I wonder, is there something more to life? Because I'm getting pretty bored.
And I've found that finding or reinforcing old and new "passions" tends to make my life more engaging and make the pretty useless existential questions go away. It might be writing, or doing jiu jitsu, or watching August Masters with some interest like I'm doing now. It might be dating an interesting man or woman. Learning a new language, visiting a foreign country on my own. So it's dedication and participation. And the practice of autogenic training, which makes us aware of the many hidden tensions we store in our minds and bodies.
As far as existential crises go, my view is that dedicating yourself to something, and it could be multiple things, tends to solve most of these crises. I look at myself and I have a good salary (for some people it's out of this world), good looks, I'm decently smart and erudite, and sometimes I wonder, is there something more to life? Because I'm getting pretty bored.
And I've found that finding or reinforcing old and new "passions" tends to make my life more engaging and make the pretty useless existential questions go away. It might be writing, or doing jiu jitsu, or watching August Masters with some interest like I'm doing now. It might be dating an interesting man or woman. Learning a new language, visiting a foreign country on my own. So it's dedication and participation. And the practice of autogenic training, which makes us aware of the many hidden tensions we store in our minds and bodies.
While I don't understand your discrimination toward people who pursue therapy, I wholeheartedly agree with your solutions to existential crises. The only caveat is that depression and the associated despondence can be a significant obstacle to pursuing passions.
What works for me:
1) Quit all forms of passive entertainment. Just forbid yourself these easy sources of dopamine and your brain will perk up and other things will become more interesting.
2) Read Meditations
1) Quit all forms of passive entertainment. Just forbid yourself these easy sources of dopamine and your brain will perk up and other things will become more interesting.
2) Read Meditations
When facing this situation most people start to focus on themselves. That's fine but I advice that you find ways to interact with others. Volunteer somewhere where you will make a difference. In tech you interact with a machine everyday. At the start there is a lot of satisfaction in learning and doing new things but at some point that thrill wears off. But when dealing with people that need help you'll get a lot of satisfaction in knowing you made a difference. That never wears out. Don't expect for people to crowd around you thanking you but if what you are doing is making a difference then you'll be able to see it. And that will be enough.
Yep. A few simple things that can help, shelf browse the library self help section, make a point to go leave the house - a simple invented errand, look for opportunities to make someone else's day a tiny bit brighter. In terms of the latter, smile at someone, let someone go ahead of you in line/in traffic, help an elder carry groceries, it doesn't have to be huge, write a word of encouragement to someone you don't know and will never meet - hang in there markus_zhang!.. Leaving now, have an errand to run...
in regards to mentions of antidepressants, there are a ton of herbal options as well, also getting your vitamins checked is a good place to start...
I think I know these moments and phases. I have a printed list of this https://eponis.tumblr.com/post/113798088670/everything-is-aw... right across my desk. It helped my type of mind more often then I'm willing to admit - even when I was kinda okay, because I encourages me to look after myself which I have not been tought in my life before.
What I found to work for me is keeping myself moving and taking time to reflect on the current situation and actively plan my next steps that I know will benefit me or make me progress in what I care about or find fun. Once I know my general direction I start to build momentum slowly. An easy start is to go for a quick walk every day. No music/podcasts. This will make my body move, get you me of my house and you will give me a moment to think & feel a bit.
(1) Exercise (30 min a day of aerobic exercise is a good start, soldiers do 2+ hours a day to deal with extreme stress) (2) SSRI or SNRI antidepressants, (3) talk therapy.
All of the above.
All of the above.
Try to focus on people around you, family members, team members, friends... How could you serve them, make their day, help them in their struggles.
It usually takes work to get out of it. You will need to put in the effort.
I suggest you focus on making it your mission. Try therapy, try antidepressants, pay attention to your feelings throughout the day and notice patterns.
A partner, community, or dog often solves the problem for many people. But the first two are of course hard to obtain.
I suggest you focus on making it your mission. Try therapy, try antidepressants, pay attention to your feelings throughout the day and notice patterns.
A partner, community, or dog often solves the problem for many people. But the first two are of course hard to obtain.
Yeah this can happen, usually it means you are ready for the next chapter of your life. For me, periods of depression and closed doors are often followed by really beautiful points in which the experience has a lot more depth than before.
You need an adventure and time away from home and work. Buy a corvette and drive it to across the country with a good friend. Much cheaper than therapy, and you come out the other end with a hundred stories and no regrets.
Feeling empty is nothing wrong. It is a sign you have a proper understanding of the world. Rather than trying to escape it, examine the nature of the feeling and go from there.
Embrace the Absurd.
Honestly this was me until I met my gf. Alleviated a lot of the social pressure from being single.
Read Tolstoi. Start with “A Confession”. Also: Nietzsche.
That's clinical depression. See a doctor.
Please try not to diagnose people you've never met or spoken to on the internet with diseases. You can suggest they may have something, and recommend they see a doctor, but you seem very sure of your diagnosis.
It may be a depression. But an existential crisis is possible without a depression. We change over time. Our ideas evolve. At some point, what we have been doing may seem pointless. Time to take another path to find purpose, meaning and/or love again.
Consulting a psychiatrist to ensure it's not a depression is a good idea though. If not, some psychologists are specialized in existential crisis ; it's called "logotherapy".
Consulting a psychiatrist to ensure it's not a depression is a good idea though. If not, some psychologists are specialized in existential crisis ; it's called "logotherapy".
Could be, but not necessarily.
It could also be the result of a logical and intelligent thought process. I think anyone that follows the data and truth will eventually come to an existential break down that reframes their mind. Especially if they were raised religious, but that facade starts to crack.
It could also be the result of a logical and intelligent thought process. I think anyone that follows the data and truth will eventually come to an existential break down that reframes their mind. Especially if they were raised religious, but that facade starts to crack.
poorly
How did you muscle pass that? Did you seek therapy or just hang in there and wait for it to go away? What if it hits frequently?