Ask HN: How are you a good dad to your kids?
Father's day coming up. Looking for what you think makes a great father. What activities or time that you spend with your children that you find most valuable? How can a new father make a difference in my kids lives?
46 comments
By the time my toddler was 18 months I'd taught and given him a few things:
* Emotional regulation. When he's upset, hold him and allow him to feel my calm breathing, help him breathe
* How to tell other people that he'd like more of something, that he'd like something to stop, or that he'd like something
* Good connection time by holding him and dancing, playing outside in the grass
* Good connection time by wrestling and tickling. (Plus, I think that kids like this because it helps them learn how to defend themselves)
* Good examples. I'm very good at emotional regulation and very attuned to what I want and need. Same with toward his mom. There are very very few behaviors that I have that I wouldn't be ok with him copying. My behaviors serve me well and I feel content, so I know that if he just mirrors me, which he's likely to, he'll be in a good spot
* Healthy food, minimized exposure to plastics and environmental toxins
* Guided his behavior in a way that makes him enjoyable to be around, which helps him get good loving connection from various people in his life
* As much as possible, I bring him with me and show him the things that I do and how I do them
* Taught him things by focusing on quick positive reinforcement of what I do want, rather than negative reinforcement of what I don't want. This means he's not stressed and trying to avoid bad things, instead he can seek good things
* Responding to him rather than reacting to him
I believe that when parents are calm and content, then following their intuition will lead to great things. That's how I've approached it. I worked really hard for a few years before having kids on becoming more calm, more content, more responding less reacting, creating more emotional safety with my wife and to myself, and getting in touch with my intuition. Then with parenting, I've followed my intuition.
* Emotional regulation. When he's upset, hold him and allow him to feel my calm breathing, help him breathe
* How to tell other people that he'd like more of something, that he'd like something to stop, or that he'd like something
* Good connection time by holding him and dancing, playing outside in the grass
* Good connection time by wrestling and tickling. (Plus, I think that kids like this because it helps them learn how to defend themselves)
* Good examples. I'm very good at emotional regulation and very attuned to what I want and need. Same with toward his mom. There are very very few behaviors that I have that I wouldn't be ok with him copying. My behaviors serve me well and I feel content, so I know that if he just mirrors me, which he's likely to, he'll be in a good spot
* Healthy food, minimized exposure to plastics and environmental toxins
* Guided his behavior in a way that makes him enjoyable to be around, which helps him get good loving connection from various people in his life
* As much as possible, I bring him with me and show him the things that I do and how I do them
* Taught him things by focusing on quick positive reinforcement of what I do want, rather than negative reinforcement of what I don't want. This means he's not stressed and trying to avoid bad things, instead he can seek good things
* Responding to him rather than reacting to him
I believe that when parents are calm and content, then following their intuition will lead to great things. That's how I've approached it. I worked really hard for a few years before having kids on becoming more calm, more content, more responding less reacting, creating more emotional safety with my wife and to myself, and getting in touch with my intuition. Then with parenting, I've followed my intuition.
My toddler is 18 months right now and he never stops long enough for me to get a whole phrase out. How have you taught him "emotional regulation"?
By physical actions. I don't explain much to him, I do it / show it.
When he's upset, I put a hand on his back (bare skin) and hold it there, or I hold him on my chest while he breathes and I breathe with him.
Or if he falls over and is further away from me, I look at him, take a few big breaths and suggest that he takes some breaths.
By 18 mo he was often doing the deep breaths automatically.
When he's upset, I put a hand on his back (bare skin) and hold it there, or I hold him on my chest while he breathes and I breathe with him.
Or if he falls over and is further away from me, I look at him, take a few big breaths and suggest that he takes some breaths.
By 18 mo he was often doing the deep breaths automatically.
No offense - I don't doubt that he does deep breaths if you've shown him deep breaths, and that's pretty cool - but don't you think it's a stretch to call that emotional regulation?
What I mean is, if someone showed me "deep breaths" I wouldn't conclude "people have emotions, they can affect us adversely, some times we don't control them if we're absent minded, better put some conscious effort into keeping them in check", least of all when I was 18 months.
What I mean is, if someone showed me "deep breaths" I wouldn't conclude "people have emotions, they can affect us adversely, some times we don't control them if we're absent minded, better put some conscious effort into keeping them in check", least of all when I was 18 months.
I do the same thing with my kid and a lot of the time it helps with stopping and tantrum and getting my explanation in.
I also got him to do a few times a full 5 minutes of yoga in a row jaja.
I also got him to do a few times a full 5 minutes of yoga in a row jaja.
It sounds like you're talking more about the knowledge of what emotional regulation is and what it means - totally agree that at 18 mo he had approximately zero understanding of that.
I'm talking about the practiced/done skill of emotional regulation. Seeing his ability to self-soothe relative to other kids at 18 months, it's very clear that he has a solid amount of the skill of emotional regulation, even without any understanding of what it means.
I'm talking about the practiced/done skill of emotional regulation. Seeing his ability to self-soothe relative to other kids at 18 months, it's very clear that he has a solid amount of the skill of emotional regulation, even without any understanding of what it means.
I will start doing this.
Nice. Here's how it might go down:
He climbs up somewhere and gets kinda stuck. I go over to him and put my hand on his back and breathe and invite him to breathe. Then I spot him, but I don't help him down, I encourage him that he'll be able to get down.
Often, he only wanted his mom to do the breathing with him. That's fine. He falls, cries, we both offer him a hug, he goes to mom and she breathes with him while he cries and I put my hand on his back while she's holding him and offer him a gentle gaze if he wants to look at me, while I breathe with him as well.
He climbs up somewhere and gets kinda stuck. I go over to him and put my hand on his back and breathe and invite him to breathe. Then I spot him, but I don't help him down, I encourage him that he'll be able to get down.
Often, he only wanted his mom to do the breathing with him. That's fine. He falls, cries, we both offer him a hug, he goes to mom and she breathes with him while he cries and I put my hand on his back while she's holding him and offer him a gentle gaze if he wants to look at me, while I breathe with him as well.
I did this and had positive results.
I didn't do the "hand in skin" part, because he had his clothes on and when I tried putting my hand inside his clothes it just annoyed him more.
He was having a tantrum. I sat on the couch and sat him on my lap facing me. I pulled him towards me chest on chest. He quickly got more annoyed to be held down but I kept him there. I started doing deep breaths. It took him a bit to realize that we were "doing something" but slowly he started settling down and within 10 minutes he had stopped crying. This is in contrast with "normal" where if I hold him down while having a tantrum it just escalates. Eventually I stopped when I noticed that he was about to fall asleep.
It's unclear whether the deep breaths actually contributed or whether this was just a lucky one-off. I'll continue this.
I didn't do the "hand in skin" part, because he had his clothes on and when I tried putting my hand inside his clothes it just annoyed him more.
He was having a tantrum. I sat on the couch and sat him on my lap facing me. I pulled him towards me chest on chest. He quickly got more annoyed to be held down but I kept him there. I started doing deep breaths. It took him a bit to realize that we were "doing something" but slowly he started settling down and within 10 minutes he had stopped crying. This is in contrast with "normal" where if I hold him down while having a tantrum it just escalates. Eventually I stopped when I noticed that he was about to fall asleep.
It's unclear whether the deep breaths actually contributed or whether this was just a lucky one-off. I'll continue this.
A lot of these could be due to temperment rather than learned behaviour..
More things:
* As much as possible, other than basic bodily needs, made him adjust to us rather than us adjusting to him. This way we're calm and not stressed by things he's doing, which makes it easy for us to be there for him in the way he needs and to be a good example
* Allowing him to have lots of small failures. Whenever I can let him experience a small consequence that won't be too bad, I do. This has been super helpful. He's learned how to prevent lots of bigger ones. I mean for things like small falls.
* Generally allowing him to experience the natural consequences of his actions as much as possible, both good and bad. Even if it has a negative consequence for him, as long as it's not too much.
* Good sleep, minimal medical interventions, generally relying on the body to be an expert at a body thanks to millions of years of evolutionary refinement
* Giving him exposure to as many things that he might enjoy as possible (hobbies and activity wise), and helping him have a positive first experience. Then the rest is on him. But if I can give him positive first experiences to dozens of activities, then I trust he'll be able to find some he loves. If I didn't expose him to them, he might not find them, and if I didn't help him have a positive first exposure, then he might not find an interest. But then after that he's on his own with it other than if he shows a ton of interest in it I'll support his interest
* Not doing things for him that I don't want to do. I keep my "debt" at zero. I don't want to do anything that'll make me build up subtle resentment toward him.
* Allow him to keep the responsibility for things. Yesterday he climbed into a box and gets stuck. Rather than help him out, I put a hand on his back, helped him breathe, then encouraged him that he'll be able to get out, and sure enough he did.
* I don't do things for him once unless I'd do them for him always (if I let him do something once, he'll expect it the next time, so then either I need to disappoint him, or I need to do something I don't want to do)
* I aim to be as predictable as possible for him and to help his world be predictable. The brain is a prediction engine and hates surprises, so I minimize the surprises he has to deal with
* My view is that by 10-13 or so I'll need to have taught him any skills and given him the emotional associations (things I hope he avoids and seeks), because he won't listen much after that. Emotional associations I'll never try and lecture to him, I'll only try and show him so he develops the emotional learning himself
* My view is that I'm aiming to make myself obsolete as a parent. I eventually want him to not need me.
* At first, protect him from the realities of the world. Then, introduce the realities of the world one tiny piece at a time so that by the time he's an adult, it's not a shock that he has to adapt to all at once.
* As much as possible, other than basic bodily needs, made him adjust to us rather than us adjusting to him. This way we're calm and not stressed by things he's doing, which makes it easy for us to be there for him in the way he needs and to be a good example
* Allowing him to have lots of small failures. Whenever I can let him experience a small consequence that won't be too bad, I do. This has been super helpful. He's learned how to prevent lots of bigger ones. I mean for things like small falls.
* Generally allowing him to experience the natural consequences of his actions as much as possible, both good and bad. Even if it has a negative consequence for him, as long as it's not too much.
* Good sleep, minimal medical interventions, generally relying on the body to be an expert at a body thanks to millions of years of evolutionary refinement
* Giving him exposure to as many things that he might enjoy as possible (hobbies and activity wise), and helping him have a positive first experience. Then the rest is on him. But if I can give him positive first experiences to dozens of activities, then I trust he'll be able to find some he loves. If I didn't expose him to them, he might not find them, and if I didn't help him have a positive first exposure, then he might not find an interest. But then after that he's on his own with it other than if he shows a ton of interest in it I'll support his interest
* Not doing things for him that I don't want to do. I keep my "debt" at zero. I don't want to do anything that'll make me build up subtle resentment toward him.
* Allow him to keep the responsibility for things. Yesterday he climbed into a box and gets stuck. Rather than help him out, I put a hand on his back, helped him breathe, then encouraged him that he'll be able to get out, and sure enough he did.
* I don't do things for him once unless I'd do them for him always (if I let him do something once, he'll expect it the next time, so then either I need to disappoint him, or I need to do something I don't want to do)
* I aim to be as predictable as possible for him and to help his world be predictable. The brain is a prediction engine and hates surprises, so I minimize the surprises he has to deal with
* My view is that by 10-13 or so I'll need to have taught him any skills and given him the emotional associations (things I hope he avoids and seeks), because he won't listen much after that. Emotional associations I'll never try and lecture to him, I'll only try and show him so he develops the emotional learning himself
* My view is that I'm aiming to make myself obsolete as a parent. I eventually want him to not need me.
* At first, protect him from the realities of the world. Then, introduce the realities of the world one tiny piece at a time so that by the time he's an adult, it's not a shock that he has to adapt to all at once.
My basis for good parenting: show up, don’t be crazy.
I take both seriously. I’m not being trite, I structure my work day so I have real time with my son every day. I do activities that we can do together on the weekend, some that he enjoys and some we can enjoy together. I work every day on modeling good behavior for him, I don’t get frustrated when he is acting out, etc. don’t be crazy when you’ve got a two year old isn’t that intense, when you’ve got a 14 year old I’m sure it’s going to be trying.
Friends that I have who are relatively well adjusted had parents who mostly did both. They also seem to have good relationships with their parents in adulthood. It’s not going to make a good parenting book, but let’s be honest none of us are going to A/B test this stuff.
I take both seriously. I’m not being trite, I structure my work day so I have real time with my son every day. I do activities that we can do together on the weekend, some that he enjoys and some we can enjoy together. I work every day on modeling good behavior for him, I don’t get frustrated when he is acting out, etc. don’t be crazy when you’ve got a two year old isn’t that intense, when you’ve got a 14 year old I’m sure it’s going to be trying.
Friends that I have who are relatively well adjusted had parents who mostly did both. They also seem to have good relationships with their parents in adulthood. It’s not going to make a good parenting book, but let’s be honest none of us are going to A/B test this stuff.
This, simply. Be there, be reliable, do something with them, make them discover things.
I feel that people take it as huge endeavour to raise a child. It is a big task indeed, but there is no need to go over the top.
I feel that people take it as huge endeavour to raise a child. It is a big task indeed, but there is no need to go over the top.
My daughters are 2 and a half and 10 months. The most important part of being a father right now is making sure my wife doesn't ever feel like a single parent. Because of our work schedules, she used to take them both to daycare in the morning and pick them up. Now that I start work later, we had a discussion and agreed I should take them. On days I work from home, if I'm able, I take a break from their dinner time until bed time to spend time and help around the house. On weekends and evenings, I make sure that my wife has time to be her own person and do her own things.
I know this isn't as fun as teaching your kid how to ride a bike, but in the early years, it's very important to show up and do the work and not just be another person in your child's life who will transform into a father when bedtimes are later and communication is improved. It's also important to our marriage. She's not the mom, and I'm not the worker. We're the parents, and we're both involved in our children's lives.
One semi-related point of pride: We are English-speakers in a non-English-speaking country. I realized that there's no cultural reason my kids should call me "dad," "father," "daddy," "pops," or the like. No matter what they call me, it'll be weird to the native speakers of the local language. My wife and I decided the kids could call me "opossum" (pronounced "possum"). The oldest one has many stuffed opossum toys, and she likes to watch videos about opossums. She outgrew her baby blanket, but she was attached to it and didn't want to give it up. Since our daughter loves dogs, my wife bought one with dogs on it. That lasted 2 or 3 nights before she was back to the baby blanket. I ordered her a larger blanket with opossums and flowers on it, and she now proudly uses that one. Even though she doesn't understand the connection between me and the animal, she knows there is one, she's happy about it, and that is so fulfilling to me as her opossum.
I know this isn't as fun as teaching your kid how to ride a bike, but in the early years, it's very important to show up and do the work and not just be another person in your child's life who will transform into a father when bedtimes are later and communication is improved. It's also important to our marriage. She's not the mom, and I'm not the worker. We're the parents, and we're both involved in our children's lives.
One semi-related point of pride: We are English-speakers in a non-English-speaking country. I realized that there's no cultural reason my kids should call me "dad," "father," "daddy," "pops," or the like. No matter what they call me, it'll be weird to the native speakers of the local language. My wife and I decided the kids could call me "opossum" (pronounced "possum"). The oldest one has many stuffed opossum toys, and she likes to watch videos about opossums. She outgrew her baby blanket, but she was attached to it and didn't want to give it up. Since our daughter loves dogs, my wife bought one with dogs on it. That lasted 2 or 3 nights before she was back to the baby blanket. I ordered her a larger blanket with opossums and flowers on it, and she now proudly uses that one. Even though she doesn't understand the connection between me and the animal, she knows there is one, she's happy about it, and that is so fulfilling to me as her opossum.
Be a good example of desirable qualities like emotional stability. Be a good provider. Encourage trying new things and support their interests but don't be unconditional and don't bail them out too quickly when they have difficulties. Be supportive but push them towards solving their own problems.
They will inevitiably rebel to one degree or another as teens, but as adults will revert to the model you provided.
They will inevitiably rebel to one degree or another as teens, but as adults will revert to the model you provided.
I think the important thing is to be there and spend time with them and listen to them tell you about the things they want to tell you about.
I don't want to give advice, just my personal theory: I try and let my son see me doing stuff as much as possible, like cooking or working with tools, or even coding, so that he can see how people work at stuff, and get an appreciation that those things, including stuff like cooking or home repairs are approachable. I always watched my parents working and I think I'm better off for it.
Play with them, what they want. Don't lie pity things to them to get your way and always try to do what you promised. If you fail, admit and try to make up for it. This goes a long way in toddler years as it helps build a close connection that will be useful when they go to school and you want them to trust you with their everydays.
Do your hobbies and chores with them. This is horrible and painful as they set an epsilon < 1 multiplier to everything you need to do - take out trash, shop, change tires, fill dishwasher, fix, cook, clean... do everything you can together. Around year 5 the epsilon will start to go over 1 sometimes. At year 7 it will be over 1 most of the time.
Read to them every day. Tell them tall tales every day. Open as many window to the world as you can and see what interests them, tell more tales about that.
When you are angry at them and want to shout and hit the little buggers and loose control try to squat next to them and shout them at their level instead of using your adult height leverage. I found it helps a lot :)
Do your hobbies and chores with them. This is horrible and painful as they set an epsilon < 1 multiplier to everything you need to do - take out trash, shop, change tires, fill dishwasher, fix, cook, clean... do everything you can together. Around year 5 the epsilon will start to go over 1 sometimes. At year 7 it will be over 1 most of the time.
Read to them every day. Tell them tall tales every day. Open as many window to the world as you can and see what interests them, tell more tales about that.
When you are angry at them and want to shout and hit the little buggers and loose control try to squat next to them and shout them at their level instead of using your adult height leverage. I found it helps a lot :)
By -
1 Listening to them talk about stuff that is interesting to them but not to me such as video games, kids' books, toys.
2 Fixing their broken toys.
3 Building science models with them
4 Helping them collect stuff (such as rocks etc.) for school projects
5 Not yell at them when they don't get a simple math or programming concept (I have had a multi decade head start on them so I need to be patient)
1 Listening to them talk about stuff that is interesting to them but not to me such as video games, kids' books, toys.
2 Fixing their broken toys.
3 Building science models with them
4 Helping them collect stuff (such as rocks etc.) for school projects
5 Not yell at them when they don't get a simple math or programming concept (I have had a multi decade head start on them so I need to be patient)
I'm there for my kids, and I am consistent. Consistency is something that I felt I never had from my dad, and it's so important to just do what you promise. Kids have good days and bad - they're volatile as they are growing. You just have to be the ever-present dad.
I think it is important to understand each kid is different, that they have different things they respond to, different dreams, different strengths.
I try to engage my kids around that, and try to encourage them in their strengths, help them through their weaknesses.
I also try to give advice when they are flustered. Listen to them when they are excited. Help them hash through their passion projects (my 3 kids have very different desires: so one is building games and I give him game / coding feedback, one is writing a book and I help him w/ his worldbuilding and story beats, one is working on internet influencing so I brainstorm and assist with technical issues).
I try to engage my kids around that, and try to encourage them in their strengths, help them through their weaknesses.
I also try to give advice when they are flustered. Listen to them when they are excited. Help them hash through their passion projects (my 3 kids have very different desires: so one is building games and I give him game / coding feedback, one is writing a book and I help him w/ his worldbuilding and story beats, one is working on internet influencing so I brainstorm and assist with technical issues).
I am not a great father. I am an uncle that 'helped' my wife raise a niece and nephew. Many consider my guardianship to have been, at best, poorly implemented.
I simply went along with whatever they had wanted to do. My wife was stuck with all the non-fun stuff. We climbed mountains, we hiked across deserts, we flew airplanes, we canoed rivers, we ate whatever we wanted and when we wanted (at least when the wife was not around), let them routinely skip school when the wife was not in town, taught them to use all of the power and hand tools in my shop, taught them to use all of the equipment on my electronics benches, took them to IPSC matches, took them to rock concerts (at least I did not allow any weed smoking). Took them to whatever R-rated movies they wanted. Read Heinlein, Asimov, Sprague de Camp, Le Guin, and other such stuff when they were young as bed-time fare. I shit you not, their favorite was 'A Brief History of Time' - not a chance that kids at 5 and 7 years of age understood that Hawking shit, but they liked it.
The boy got a fancy PhD and does stupid shit for stupid people that pay him obscene salaries. The girl got music and math degrees and teaches music and math in a New Mexico public school.
My wife says that they turned out ok in spite of my non-efforts, not because of them. She may be correct, I dunno.
I simply went along with whatever they had wanted to do. My wife was stuck with all the non-fun stuff. We climbed mountains, we hiked across deserts, we flew airplanes, we canoed rivers, we ate whatever we wanted and when we wanted (at least when the wife was not around), let them routinely skip school when the wife was not in town, taught them to use all of the power and hand tools in my shop, taught them to use all of the equipment on my electronics benches, took them to IPSC matches, took them to rock concerts (at least I did not allow any weed smoking). Took them to whatever R-rated movies they wanted. Read Heinlein, Asimov, Sprague de Camp, Le Guin, and other such stuff when they were young as bed-time fare. I shit you not, their favorite was 'A Brief History of Time' - not a chance that kids at 5 and 7 years of age understood that Hawking shit, but they liked it.
The boy got a fancy PhD and does stupid shit for stupid people that pay him obscene salaries. The girl got music and math degrees and teaches music and math in a New Mexico public school.
My wife says that they turned out ok in spite of my non-efforts, not because of them. She may be correct, I dunno.
Despite the intro, you sound like a great father. You invested a lot of time into them.
* Read everyday. It's hard in the beginning because they lose interest easily, but consistency is key.
* Always keep things interesting for them. This is hard because there will definitely be activities you want to do but the kids will find boring or too difficult.
* When they get older, at least 5 years old, start a sport. I've been taking my kids to judo. It takes a ton of time for me, but I know it will do them good if they keep at it. I grew up practicing judo, so that helps.
* We've watched many anime series together. Definitely watch "Avatar the Last Airbender" and "One Piece."
* I'm a gamer, so we've played a lot of games together: Minecraft (of course), Mario 3D World (on Switch), Castle Crashers, Minecraft Dungeons, and other co-op beat-em-ups.
I honestly don't know if it's the most valuable things to do because my kids are still young. I have 4 now, but I believe always finding time to spend with them and have things to talk about is most important no matter what it is.
I always liked this advice: Don't give the things you've never had, teach them the things you didn't know when you were young.
I honestly don't know if it's the most valuable things to do because my kids are still young. I have 4 now, but I believe always finding time to spend with them and have things to talk about is most important no matter what it is.
I always liked this advice: Don't give the things you've never had, teach them the things you didn't know when you were young.
I'm a single dad of a 5 year old, here are some ideas I have found helpful:
-Work to become the kind of person you would like them to grow up to be- they will follow your example, not your instructions
-Slow down, be patient, and protect them from the stress and rush of adult life. If you are late and angry at them for not getting ready quickly, realize this is your fault not theirs- you didn't plan ahead
-Be emotionally available. Validate rather than dismiss their concerns. Really listen to them. Be happy when they share difficult feelings or mistakes they made with you, instead of being angry at them. At the same time, don't be too emotionally vulnerable- they don't need to stress about your adult problems.
-Encourage their passions and interests
-Spend lots of quality one-on-one time with them, especially doing physical things outdoors. Take them fishing and hiking solo. Hours spent in nature one-on-one with a parent are the most valuable time in a kids life.
-Be loving and kind to their mother, even if you aren't together anymore. Never complain or say negative things about her.
-Help them be part of a community where they learn to know, trust, and interact with people of all ages- join clubs and bring them along, etc.
-Adopt the mindset that you can take them to do fun activities together, and they are never a burden preventing you from doing what you want, but actually a chance to share what you love with them. Kids can do a lot more than you expect.
-Learn to set boundaries and enforce rules with calm and kindness. Anger and losing your temper are weakness, not strength. Respond to conflicts the way you would hope they do as an adult.
-The daily dad: daily parenting tips and philosophy by e-mail https://dailydad.com/
-Book: Simplicity Parenting: Using the Extraordinary Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier, and More Secure Kids by Kim John Payne and Lisa M. Ross
-Podcasts and blogs from Janet Landsbury https://www.janetlansbury.com/Lots of good advice here already, but I'll add one I haven't seen yet: set a good example of regularly exercising at home if possible. My boys are around 8 and 10 now and after seeing me consistently train over the years, they are both showing interest in going for runs with me, doing bodyweight exercises, and they keep asking me about "trying the weights" (which I'm avoiding for now until I've had more time to research the old advice that they need to wait until teen years). This might be a bit of a balancing act to make sure they don't end up overly obsessed with body image, fad diets, etc but as others have said, your kids will often mirror the behaviors they see... so remember to go easy on yourself too :)
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I show lots of interest in what my kids are interested in. They like to share video gaming progress, funny memes etc. It gives us an open pathway to communicating about other things going on in their lives.
Read to them when they're young as often as you can. It's a great bonding experience, they love it, and its very helpful to their development. Be there and show you support them and care about them. This goes for all the things they're involved with (school, sports, organizations, activities, etc). Let them be silly and you be silly with them. Find some activities that you both enjoy and do them together. Make time for them regularly. Frequently tell them that you love them.
By most people beliefs, I am a good dad. I am a single father as my wife died last year after several years of serious illness.
1. Have never knownly lied to my daughter- not about Santa Claus nor extreme sex. If she asks a question I answer it to the best of my ability.
2. Trust - I have have a very high level of trust and she has much more freedom than other children in her class.
3. Constantly saying how proud I am of her and how much I love her.
It help we are in Australia where it is very safe, no guns.
1. Have never knownly lied to my daughter- not about Santa Claus nor extreme sex. If she asks a question I answer it to the best of my ability.
2. Trust - I have have a very high level of trust and she has much more freedom than other children in her class.
3. Constantly saying how proud I am of her and how much I love her.
It help we are in Australia where it is very safe, no guns.
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Those examples in #1... why would you pick those?
Two exsmples to illustrate a range, from what most consider benign to lie about, to something almost all parents couldn't imagine not lying about. I agree, don't think lying does any good in the long run.
I am not sure who you are agreeing with you. I completely disagree with you.
We have 3 kids. It’s not hard. Be there, care about what they care about, and treat them like other humans not property.
ChatGPT writes bedtime stories for my kid.
Oh, wait, the question was about -good- parenting…
Let the kids choose but help them understand the the consequences of their choices.
My entire life I believed that my childhood was pretty decent, and fairly privileged even. My parents provided a safe and stable home environment in a wealthy suburb of Chicago, sent me to some decent public schools, took me on nice vacations, and paid for my college in full.
After having kids of my own, a flood of disturbing realizations came to me about all the things they didn't do. For example, my parents never played with me. Ever. They never asked me about my day, asked what I was interested in, asked for my opinions on things, or tried to get to know me. We never hugged either. They were both completely incapable of comforting me when I was upset, and would get angry at me for expressing my emotions. They didn't teach me anything. Nothing. They didn't teach me how to cook, how to do laundry, how to manage money, how to fix stuff around the house, or how to manage my time. They gave me zero structure or rules, and simply did not care what I did or how late I stayed up. I was a latchkey kid starting at the age of 9. I spent the majority of my free time playing video games in my parents' basement.
My dad was also a "functioning" alcoholic. He was functioning in the sense that he could hold down a well-paying corporate job, but was otherwise totally checked out. He would get home from work at 6, pour a glass of scotch, plop down in front of the TV, and stay seated there for the rest of the night. Weekends weren't that different. Although he was physically present, he may as well have not been in my life at all. My mom wasn't much better. Although she didn't have a drinking problem, she enabled my dad's drinking and was obsessed with her own career, and was basically checked out as a parent as well.
It took my until the age of 34 to realize that my upbringing has had a disastrous impact on my mental health. Although from the outside my life looks pretty successful and prosperous, my inner world has been a jumbled mess of anxiety, fear, denial, and avoidance for my entire life. When I learned about the concept of "hypervigilance", it was like having my core personality trait summed up as a trauma symptom.
It's been a massive uphill battle for me to learn, essentially from scratch, how to be a good father. My number one goal is be emotionally present for my sons. My oldest isn't even two yet, but I try to: comfort him when he's upset, give him the vocabulary to express what he's feeling, play with him on the floor everyday, teach him the names of things we see on our walks together (birds, plants, trees, etc.), read to him, and give him choices that he can make on his own. As he gets older, I want to help him discover who he is and what he likes, rather than force him to like the things I like. Above all, I want to be present in his life, and for him to truly feel that he's loved and supported by me.
After having kids of my own, a flood of disturbing realizations came to me about all the things they didn't do. For example, my parents never played with me. Ever. They never asked me about my day, asked what I was interested in, asked for my opinions on things, or tried to get to know me. We never hugged either. They were both completely incapable of comforting me when I was upset, and would get angry at me for expressing my emotions. They didn't teach me anything. Nothing. They didn't teach me how to cook, how to do laundry, how to manage money, how to fix stuff around the house, or how to manage my time. They gave me zero structure or rules, and simply did not care what I did or how late I stayed up. I was a latchkey kid starting at the age of 9. I spent the majority of my free time playing video games in my parents' basement.
My dad was also a "functioning" alcoholic. He was functioning in the sense that he could hold down a well-paying corporate job, but was otherwise totally checked out. He would get home from work at 6, pour a glass of scotch, plop down in front of the TV, and stay seated there for the rest of the night. Weekends weren't that different. Although he was physically present, he may as well have not been in my life at all. My mom wasn't much better. Although she didn't have a drinking problem, she enabled my dad's drinking and was obsessed with her own career, and was basically checked out as a parent as well.
It took my until the age of 34 to realize that my upbringing has had a disastrous impact on my mental health. Although from the outside my life looks pretty successful and prosperous, my inner world has been a jumbled mess of anxiety, fear, denial, and avoidance for my entire life. When I learned about the concept of "hypervigilance", it was like having my core personality trait summed up as a trauma symptom.
It's been a massive uphill battle for me to learn, essentially from scratch, how to be a good father. My number one goal is be emotionally present for my sons. My oldest isn't even two yet, but I try to: comfort him when he's upset, give him the vocabulary to express what he's feeling, play with him on the floor everyday, teach him the names of things we see on our walks together (birds, plants, trees, etc.), read to him, and give him choices that he can make on his own. As he gets older, I want to help him discover who he is and what he likes, rather than force him to like the things I like. Above all, I want to be present in his life, and for him to truly feel that he's loved and supported by me.
Dude I feel you, I've had to figure everything out myself. I didn't have an outwardly rosy upbringing, but we have in common the fact that our parents taught us literally nothing. One of mine taught me how to drive, that's it. They never taught me how to do laundry, cook, never took an interest in anything I liked, or anything at all really, and any interaction that wasn't surface level pleasant was met with resistance, frustration, resentment or worse. Any time parenting was expected of them they weren't happy about it.
I'm doing really well all things considered. As someone with older kids, if I may: don't ever lie to your kids about anything, ever, and if they ask you something you don't want to answer, tell them you don't want to answer it. Expect the same of them, and respect them when they don't want to tell you something too, unless it's pertinent to your duty to them. At some point your kids will realize they don't have to listen to you, and at that point they have to want to listen to you or they won't do it. For that, they have to respect you, look up to you and trust you. The only way to ensure this is to live up to what you expect of them and never bullshit them.
I'm doing really well all things considered. As someone with older kids, if I may: don't ever lie to your kids about anything, ever, and if they ask you something you don't want to answer, tell them you don't want to answer it. Expect the same of them, and respect them when they don't want to tell you something too, unless it's pertinent to your duty to them. At some point your kids will realize they don't have to listen to you, and at that point they have to want to listen to you or they won't do it. For that, they have to respect you, look up to you and trust you. The only way to ensure this is to live up to what you expect of them and never bullshit them.
Same story here, but less wealthy. All I can say is forgive and move on. Your dad stuck around, which is something. They delivered the material goods, which is something. And most valuable of all, they provided a valuable counterexample. Stay away from the shrinks. They pour salt into the wounds, prescribe pills, and hardly any of their "research" replicates. Forgiveness is where it's at.
> answering here since I'm rate-limited:
Took maybe a year or two. I see them a couple times a year. Not saying to ignore facts and forget what they are, but to stop holding the grudge and move on.
For the shrinks, I wouldn't call it a "bad" experience, but an unfruitful one. Lots of words, terminology, techniques--just to dig the hole deeper. Better and simpler to just chalk it up to their own limitations as human beings and forgive. You don't get pissed at the dog for not knowing how to use a toilet. As the child, you are made from the same stuff. Without their counterexample, you probably would have settled into the same error.
> answering here since I'm rate-limited:
Took maybe a year or two. I see them a couple times a year. Not saying to ignore facts and forget what they are, but to stop holding the grudge and move on.
For the shrinks, I wouldn't call it a "bad" experience, but an unfruitful one. Lots of words, terminology, techniques--just to dig the hole deeper. Better and simpler to just chalk it up to their own limitations as human beings and forgive. You don't get pissed at the dog for not knowing how to use a toilet. As the child, you are made from the same stuff. Without their counterexample, you probably would have settled into the same error.
How long did it take you to forgive them? Are they still in your life?
For me personally, I think it's too soon to forgive them. The past six months have been the first time in my life that I've allowed myself to feel all the pent up rage I have towards them. It's the first time that I've stopped making excuses for their behavior too. I feel like I need to process all this anger before I can forgive them. And even then, I'm not sure I want them back in my life. They've continued to disappoint me even well into adulthood. For example, they chose to go on a long vacation instead of being in town during the birth of my first son (their first grandson). They missed his first birthday party as well, despite living only 45 minutes away.
That's interesting that you advise staying away from shrinks. Did you have a bad experience? I've been relying heavily on my therapist (and books written by therapists) to help me process these realizations. It's been extremely painful but overall I've found it helpful, especially the books.
For me personally, I think it's too soon to forgive them. The past six months have been the first time in my life that I've allowed myself to feel all the pent up rage I have towards them. It's the first time that I've stopped making excuses for their behavior too. I feel like I need to process all this anger before I can forgive them. And even then, I'm not sure I want them back in my life. They've continued to disappoint me even well into adulthood. For example, they chose to go on a long vacation instead of being in town during the birth of my first son (their first grandson). They missed his first birthday party as well, despite living only 45 minutes away.
That's interesting that you advise staying away from shrinks. Did you have a bad experience? I've been relying heavily on my therapist (and books written by therapists) to help me process these realizations. It's been extremely painful but overall I've found it helpful, especially the books.
Hey you sound like me. I grew up similarly to you. What you experienced is called childhood emotional neglect. It's basically the absence of emotional connection with your parents. As in you did not get your emotional needs met by your parents.
There are a bunch of books on it now but the first was Running on Empty by Dr. Jonice Webb. She describes it well. Someone here on HN recommended it a few weeks ago and I read it. And low and behold I identify with it completely and it explains a lot of my life. And now I am working to break that cycle with my kids and wife first and eventually my parents if possible. It's been a lot of hard work.
There are a bunch of books on it now but the first was Running on Empty by Dr. Jonice Webb. She describes it well. Someone here on HN recommended it a few weeks ago and I read it. And low and behold I identify with it completely and it explains a lot of my life. And now I am working to break that cycle with my kids and wife first and eventually my parents if possible. It's been a lot of hard work.
I would encourage you to look into attachment theory -- it'll have some good advice for dealing with the childhood influences on your current relationships and how to overcome them. Personally, I've found Thais Gibson's videos to be higher in density than most who talk about attachment theory.
Be forever patient, truly respect one's kids (and anyone else) while firmly standing on one's own ground, and lead by deeds not words.
Probably better to ask what good things our dad's did, I can tell you my kids love it when I make them help put the laundry away, I suspect their opinions might differ :)
Not sending them to school, and instead fostering their curiosity and having a home environment of constant, open learning.