Why You Should Give Up on Your Dreams(every.to)
every.to
Why You Should Give Up on Your Dreams
https://every.to/no-small-plans/dream-bankruptcy-why-you-should-give-up-on-your-holy-grail
49 comments
This line is so cringe to me:
"On the other hand, consider a founder with a more complex sense of self, including identities such as: “founder,” “husband,” “guitar enthusiast,” “soccer player,” “friend,” and “father.”
My dream is to move to a different country that people who think like this are far away geographically.
My dream is to move to a different country that people who think like this are far away geographically.
I think they are saying that a person embraces and lives with complex priorities rather than hyper focusing on one at the expense of others. Nothing wrong with that.
Conversely, I suspect you're envisioning the kind of person who tries to put all those focuses on their LinkedIn profile, and I agree that person is a bit annoying and totally unnecessary.
Conversely, I suspect you're envisioning the kind of person who tries to put all those focuses on their LinkedIn profile, and I agree that person is a bit annoying and totally unnecessary.
I just saw a Twitter bio that said "2x father 2x Ironman finisher". Thank god for the blue check blocker extension.
> "2x father 2x Ironman finisher"
Humanity can be really hilarious. Perhaps aliens don't contact us because they prefer just watching us on their TVs, as a highly entertaining reality TV show.
Humanity can be really hilarious. Perhaps aliens don't contact us because they prefer just watching us on their TVs, as a highly entertaining reality TV show.
Amen, brother (/sister).
For some reason it reminded me of that quote: I wish women who read and follow Cosmo and men who read and follow "The Game" would get onto a spaceship and left alone to play their silly games on each other as much as they want, and just leave the rest of us in peace to date normal people who just want a normal relationship.
For some reason it reminded me of that quote: I wish women who read and follow Cosmo and men who read and follow "The Game" would get onto a spaceship and left alone to play their silly games on each other as much as they want, and just leave the rest of us in peace to date normal people who just want a normal relationship.
One thing I learned recently is that, the more you pursue a dream, the more you realize that people are not born equal. That resonated so much with my past failures, and now I kind of understand what this article is talking about.
That being said - From time to time I do regret chasing my old dream, but I guess I’d only be more regretful if I didn’t. It’s ok to give up! But maybe at least give it a try.
That being said - From time to time I do regret chasing my old dream, but I guess I’d only be more regretful if I didn’t. It’s ok to give up! But maybe at least give it a try.
In the true Murican spirit you can compensate natural abilities with "hard work" -- for a time. But the final failure is more colossal and brutal. This seems to be behind most "burnout"-issues. For years you have to fake and try to keep up with more gifted coworkers. Only few get lucky and get to the fat cat department, before burning out.
> In the true Murican spirit you can compensate natural abilities with "hard work" -- for a time.
Yup. I’ve done this and seen it happen in others. When I started my career, I could stay up late or pull an all nighter to focus on and clutch out some project, make a deadline, or whatever.
The first time I didn’t make it, was an eye opener.
15 years later I fell into a semi-related trap. Instead of getting help, I was pouring more and more of my time (without all nighters) into a project that was continually “almost there, except for this one thing...” and got negative but helpful feedback after a meeting where we had to “reset the plan.”
Any one of those earlier problems could’ve been addressed if I hadn’t tried to shield the team from them, even if it meant changing the requirements or budget. Instead, we got to the end, and had nothing to show but a bunch of partially-working pieces.
Yup. I’ve done this and seen it happen in others. When I started my career, I could stay up late or pull an all nighter to focus on and clutch out some project, make a deadline, or whatever.
The first time I didn’t make it, was an eye opener.
15 years later I fell into a semi-related trap. Instead of getting help, I was pouring more and more of my time (without all nighters) into a project that was continually “almost there, except for this one thing...” and got negative but helpful feedback after a meeting where we had to “reset the plan.”
Any one of those earlier problems could’ve been addressed if I hadn’t tried to shield the team from them, even if it meant changing the requirements or budget. Instead, we got to the end, and had nothing to show but a bunch of partially-working pieces.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U4ZnfCmTJMY
To me dreams are like religion - the longer it is since you gave up on them the crazier it seems that you ever believed. A dream is just some story you've made up, with you as a protagonist, and pursuing a dream means trying to bend reality to match that story, and then being pissed off because you can't
To me dreams are like religion - the longer it is since you gave up on them the crazier it seems that you ever believed. A dream is just some story you've made up, with you as a protagonist, and pursuing a dream means trying to bend reality to match that story, and then being pissed off because you can't
This relies upon the premise that all dreams pursued fail, which is ridiculous and not hard to disprove by speaking to someone who has achieved a dream.
No it doesn't. Achieving a dream doesn't erase the hardship you went through while pursuing it
> pursuing a dream means trying to bend reality to match that story, and then being pissed off because you can't
If you pursue the dream and achieve it, reality matches the story. To not match the story you must have not achieved it. I'm only responding to what you said, hardship doesn't factor into it.
If you pursue the dream and achieve it, reality matches the story. To not match the story you must have not achieved it. I'm only responding to what you said, hardship doesn't factor into it.
It depends on how realistic your dream is. My dream is to own a wine bar and travel the world. Unless I have something else going on, it is unlikely I would have the money and time to travel the world while owning a wine bar.
I haven’t given up my dream, but getting that “something else” is working towards it.
I haven’t given up my dream, but getting that “something else” is working towards it.
i don't think this is unrealistic, but your world travels are probably going to be instantiated as work trips complete with schedules, delays, dead-ends, deadlines, massive costs you don't want to incur, dealing with flakey vendors, and expense reports/accounting. not to mention the health impacts of stressful travel.
owning a small business is the ultimate "be careful what you wish for" situation.
owning a small business is the ultimate "be careful what you wish for" situation.
I was expecting "your life will likely end in failure and disappointment, so you might as well cut your losses" but got "give up on your failed startup so you can play more D&D."
Jokes on them, i have a D&D related startup.
What does it do? While I never played and don't plan to, I was always curious about how can such a game be monetized with virtual assets or services.
I'm trying now to do corporate D&D sessions, the recent D&D open gaming license had me very concerned due to its.. open endedness. It has had me looking at different systems that are more accomodating however other systems don't have the name recognition and immediate understanding (pathfinder, gurps, etc) that D&D has.
Pardon me, but what are "corporate D&D sessions" exactly? And how would you make money? Being a paid DM, maybe?
Yes. With scenarios that can help build leadership and teamwork. It's a pretty easy tool that brings out personality traits, allows people to express traits that they usually would not in the work environment.
I took time out to work on a personal project that sounds a lot like this article, a lot of what's said here resonated with me really strongly.
It's funny how the spark of an idea and excitement can fade once the reality sets in and doesn't match what was in your head. Endlessly plugging away at it, trying force the outcome you want through sheer will can be quite exhausting and defeating.
One surprising take away for me was that I missed having other people involved (it was a software project). Just having other people to be accountable to or some sort of other stakeholder that can help share the mental burden I think is key for the days when you feel unsure of the direction or purpose. I've done exactly what the article says and taken a step away for now, but hope to come back to it with a different approach and hopefully others involved.
It's funny how the spark of an idea and excitement can fade once the reality sets in and doesn't match what was in your head. Endlessly plugging away at it, trying force the outcome you want through sheer will can be quite exhausting and defeating.
One surprising take away for me was that I missed having other people involved (it was a software project). Just having other people to be accountable to or some sort of other stakeholder that can help share the mental burden I think is key for the days when you feel unsure of the direction or purpose. I've done exactly what the article says and taken a step away for now, but hope to come back to it with a different approach and hopefully others involved.
I agree with working with someone. Don’t think I could do this day in and day out without a cofounder I strongly resonate with. All the smaller projects in which I was flying solo is where burnout/lost of motivation would set in so fast.
On the other side of things I prefer going solo to having someone that I don't resonate with. I've worked with people that just don't work together well with me and that causes burnout signicantly faster.
Fully agree with this. It’s what completely killed my first startup which did in fact have legs.
I’d be interested in joining forces (I’m in the same boat) if you’re ever interested in starting back up or just want to build a project together. I’m not looking for a unicorn, just enough money where I don’t care about money and enough control that meeting-spawners won’t get hired.
I'm not knocking your goal here, but it's not exactly unique. I'm fairly certain everyone would be fine with
> just enough money where I don’t care about money and enough control that meeting-spawners won’t get hired.
Implying you are wealthy and have oversight over most the company
> just enough money where I don’t care about money and enough control that meeting-spawners won’t get hired.
Implying you are wealthy and have oversight over most the company
Not OP, but as a person with a similar goal I can state with certainty that the goal itself is a proxy for wanting stability.
Specifically, the only thing I want is the ability to continue providing a 1960s-era American middle class lifestyle to myself, my wife, and my children.
I've been fortunate enough to be able to pull this off for the past decade, but the little voice in the back of my head that keeps me up at night keeps reminding me that relying exclusively on skill & time capital can easily put me in a position of being unable to do so if I get unlucky enough or if our society suddenly stops valuing my skills.
If it were just me, then I wouldn't be worried. I'm tough enough to withstand living as a tramp like Jack London did in his younger years on "The Road".
But it's not just me. I have four other mouths to feed with my skill & time capital and neither my wife nor myself have any family to rely on.
Specifically, the only thing I want is the ability to continue providing a 1960s-era American middle class lifestyle to myself, my wife, and my children.
I've been fortunate enough to be able to pull this off for the past decade, but the little voice in the back of my head that keeps me up at night keeps reminding me that relying exclusively on skill & time capital can easily put me in a position of being unable to do so if I get unlucky enough or if our society suddenly stops valuing my skills.
If it were just me, then I wouldn't be worried. I'm tough enough to withstand living as a tramp like Jack London did in his younger years on "The Road".
But it's not just me. I have four other mouths to feed with my skill & time capital and neither my wife nor myself have any family to rely on.
> Implying you are wealthy and have oversight over most the company
As an old man once told me: Wealth should not be mistaken for riches. Wealth is the ability to generate richness and experiences. You can be ridiculously wealthy but poor as a bum.
I have no desire to be rich and most of us here are probably fairly wealthy.
As for "oversight over most the company" I have no idea where you got that from. I just said (in so many words) "I'd like the ability to fire/remove/never hire meeting-spawners."
As an old man once told me: Wealth should not be mistaken for riches. Wealth is the ability to generate richness and experiences. You can be ridiculously wealthy but poor as a bum.
I have no desire to be rich and most of us here are probably fairly wealthy.
As for "oversight over most the company" I have no idea where you got that from. I just said (in so many words) "I'd like the ability to fire/remove/never hire meeting-spawners."
If you control all of hiring, you have the power to shape the entire company in your image, is what I mean.
When did I say I wanted to control all of hiring?
Oh man, here we go down pedantic path. It's so important to be right. I'll explain my logic since you asked, then we can happily part ways if you'd like.
> and enough control that meeting-spawners won’t get hired.
Ok, you want enough control to say that any meeting-inclined person cannot join the company. This means that every person who would join the company has to appear, to you personally, to be a non-meeting-inclined person, and that if you find them too-meeting-inclined, you can veto the hire no matter how many other people want to hire them. The logical conclusion is either that you personally review every hire, or that you adjust the hiring process to include an infallible "whithinboredom approves of this hire" check, which must be conducted by every interview cycle.
So, yeah, you now control the entire hiring (and presumably firing) decision process.
> and enough control that meeting-spawners won’t get hired.
Ok, you want enough control to say that any meeting-inclined person cannot join the company. This means that every person who would join the company has to appear, to you personally, to be a non-meeting-inclined person, and that if you find them too-meeting-inclined, you can veto the hire no matter how many other people want to hire them. The logical conclusion is either that you personally review every hire, or that you adjust the hiring process to include an infallible "whithinboredom approves of this hire" check, which must be conducted by every interview cycle.
So, yeah, you now control the entire hiring (and presumably firing) decision process.
> Oh man, here we go down pedantic path
Welcome to HN?!
> Ok, you want enough control to say that any meeting-inclined person cannot join the company.
Ah, I see what you're seeing. I wasn't saying that, but I was. Between the lines, I was saying that I just want control to fire people who bring global productivity down. The reality is that this is a cultural issue (not having meetings except when actually necessary). Thus when someone is literally causing unnecessary meetings -- which to be clear, (un)necessary here is defined by the culture and peers, not by "me" though I'd be a large influence on that in the beginning -- they'd get reviewed as such by their peers.
I guess what I'm actually saying, is that I want the ability to have real and meaningful influence in a company's culture -- not just technically but socially as well. I like places that don't take themselves too seriously, where you have the space to solve hard problems if you need it but access to resources when you do. I usually see places I've worked where there were "meeting-spawners" (people who will soak up hundreds of man-hours in a single day to arrive at a conclusion that could have been solved more effectively in a single email) where you can't get the space to solve actual problems because you have days full of meetings about problems you can't get the space to solve that only need a few sentences of input from you.
Welcome to HN?!
> Ok, you want enough control to say that any meeting-inclined person cannot join the company.
Ah, I see what you're seeing. I wasn't saying that, but I was. Between the lines, I was saying that I just want control to fire people who bring global productivity down. The reality is that this is a cultural issue (not having meetings except when actually necessary). Thus when someone is literally causing unnecessary meetings -- which to be clear, (un)necessary here is defined by the culture and peers, not by "me" though I'd be a large influence on that in the beginning -- they'd get reviewed as such by their peers.
I guess what I'm actually saying, is that I want the ability to have real and meaningful influence in a company's culture -- not just technically but socially as well. I like places that don't take themselves too seriously, where you have the space to solve hard problems if you need it but access to resources when you do. I usually see places I've worked where there were "meeting-spawners" (people who will soak up hundreds of man-hours in a single day to arrive at a conclusion that could have been solved more effectively in a single email) where you can't get the space to solve actual problems because you have days full of meetings about problems you can't get the space to solve that only need a few sentences of input from you.
I think its next to impossible to complete anything sufficiently complex if I don't enjoy the process itself
I’d rather die with the knowing that I did everything to achieve my dreams.. rather than the regret of knowing I never took the leap.
A good thing to ask is why you dream about a particular thing so much. is it even your own dream? or something society has told you to believe in? why so much dissatisfaction in the first place that you have to go crazy chasing something.
I read the article more as: take the leap, but recognise when to step back reassess.
This assumes that your dreams are internally consistent and that you have defined them well enough to know when you’ve achieved them. I’ve met very few people whose dreams that satisfied both of those criteria. If you are one of them, my anecdata marks you as the exception
No disagreeing. It's worth reading up on what people regret when they reach end of life. It's hard to predict future fulfillment, and I bet that living a well-rounded socially-minded life would go further than "grind for the dream"
Myself I've never had any real difficulties when dreaming things.
Don't give up. Just pivot on your way to attain it.
There is no single path. But diversify to mitigate risks of failure.
One goal might lead to another more comprehensive one.
There is no single path. But diversify to mitigate risks of failure.
One goal might lead to another more comprehensive one.
Agreed here. Lots of things are outside our control over reasonably large time spans- macroeconomics, rapid tech & ecosystem disruptions, changes in your own personal life, etc. - but if there’s some underlying deeper “dream” that is flexible in how it can manifest concretely, then it can potentially be robust to these changes and what look to be initial setbacks. Perhaps the same (or similar) thing can be achieved in a different form.
Did you read the article? That’s the punchline of the article. How to loosen your grip on a dream to be able to pivot.
It’s about dreams calcifying where you become so focused on achieving “the thing” that you become unable to pivot.
It’s about dreams calcifying where you become so focused on achieving “the thing” that you become unable to pivot.
so a rough summary is: don't singlemindedly follow one particular dream but explore multiple dreams and focus on those that work out.
i can support that. in pursuit of some dreams i had to give up others. some dreams i keep in mind, ready to pursue them if an opportunity opens up. but until then i focus on others that are actually reachable right now.
like when moving to china i stopped playing music (because i could not find people to play with, though later i actually did find some), but when i have to leave china, i can get back to playing music. that dream is not lost, it just took a back seat to other dreams. i have to choose which dreams are more important at the moment, but i don't have to completely give up a dream (i kept my music instruments and occasionally even practiced, so when the opportunity to play came, i was able to take it), nor do i force myself to follow a dream that seems impossible to reach at the expense of others that are in front of me.
i can support that. in pursuit of some dreams i had to give up others. some dreams i keep in mind, ready to pursue them if an opportunity opens up. but until then i focus on others that are actually reachable right now.
like when moving to china i stopped playing music (because i could not find people to play with, though later i actually did find some), but when i have to leave china, i can get back to playing music. that dream is not lost, it just took a back seat to other dreams. i have to choose which dreams are more important at the moment, but i don't have to completely give up a dream (i kept my music instruments and occasionally even practiced, so when the opportunity to play came, i was able to take it), nor do i force myself to follow a dream that seems impossible to reach at the expense of others that are in front of me.
That's a great series of articles, it would be great to have more options available to support the author, replacing the pop up that blocks 30% of the screen the moment I start reading. If I had an opportunity to pay $1-3 per article with minimal friction via Apple Pay I would probably do it.
I find a lot of the "X is unhealthy" advice to very pernicious.
Because once you examine it, it typically boils down to "well, ok, healthy X is healthy, but unhealthy X is unhealthy", at which point it's a tautology and totally useless advice, and probably serves more to promote a bias or an agenda than anything else.
But because people like platitudes, they omit the "if healthy elif unhealthy" part, and effectively lump the whole X onto one category that they feel more biased to, with a hidden 'caveat emptor' clause.
It's the same here.
Pursuing dreams is unhealthy -> Pursuing healthy dreams is healthy, but pursuing unhealthy dreams is unhealthy.
Vegan food is healthy -> Healthy vegan food is healthy, but unhealthy vegan food is unhealthy.
Exercise is healthy -> Healthy exercise is healthy, but unhealthy exercise is unhealthy.
Sex is healthy -> Healthy sex is healthy, unhealthy sex in unhealthy.
Liberals/Republicans are assholes -> Asshole liberals/republicans are assholes, non-asshole liberals/republicans are not assholes.
I dunno, it's just getting more and more tiring to have to filter all these arguments in this manner ...
Because once you examine it, it typically boils down to "well, ok, healthy X is healthy, but unhealthy X is unhealthy", at which point it's a tautology and totally useless advice, and probably serves more to promote a bias or an agenda than anything else.
But because people like platitudes, they omit the "if healthy elif unhealthy" part, and effectively lump the whole X onto one category that they feel more biased to, with a hidden 'caveat emptor' clause.
It's the same here.
Pursuing dreams is unhealthy -> Pursuing healthy dreams is healthy, but pursuing unhealthy dreams is unhealthy.
Vegan food is healthy -> Healthy vegan food is healthy, but unhealthy vegan food is unhealthy.
Exercise is healthy -> Healthy exercise is healthy, but unhealthy exercise is unhealthy.
Sex is healthy -> Healthy sex is healthy, unhealthy sex in unhealthy.
Liberals/Republicans are assholes -> Asshole liberals/republicans are assholes, non-asshole liberals/republicans are not assholes.
I dunno, it's just getting more and more tiring to have to filter all these arguments in this manner ...
maybe not all dreams. But some too blinding..
Tarkovsky's Sacrifice film was on eye-opener:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Sacrifice_(1986_film)
Tarkovsky's Sacrifice film was on eye-opener:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Sacrifice_(1986_film)
Why you should consider logotherapy.
An American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.
The Mexican replied, “only a little while. The American then asked why didn’t he stay out longer and catch more fish? The Mexican said he had enough to support his family’s immediate needs. The American then asked, “but what do you do with the rest of your time?”
The Mexican fisherman said, “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siestas with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine, and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life.”
The American scoffed, “I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat, you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing, and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually New York City, where you will run your expanding enterprise.”
The Mexican fisherman asked, “But, how long will this all take?”
To which the American replied, “15 – 20 years.”
“But what then?” Asked the Mexican.
The American laughed and said, “That’s the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions!”
“Millions – then what?”
The American said, “Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siestas with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos.”
-Dr. Faisal Jamshaid