The most important question is not about the technical etc. of the project per se, but rather about: How can a project like this gain enough traction to really get the first 20-30% funding. At this time (and by showing prominent investors etc.) it could take-off.
In it's core the marketing of visions are not different to webpages...
They should:
1. Reduce the core msg to 1-2 Sentences ON TOP
2. Give it a better layout and support it with pictures
3. Give examples of interested people etc. and how this project could benefit them ON AN INDIVIDUAL BASIS
4. Overall a better structure... it's too confusing atm