I have been looking for the tone too. Tone is important for techies, too. I just think it's not the biggest issue.
I think the real problem is the we lack a framework that makes explicit:
* What is the goal of a review, according to the team? Spotting bugs? Prevent security flaws? Guarding the architecture? Making suggestions to grow better as programmers? These goals partially overlap, but are different. Are you aligned, as a team?
* Encode your priority in each comment. We could use some semantic prefix for a comment that categorizes it as, in increasing order: 1.suggestion to share views and alternative approaches, do as you please / 2. I think another approach would be better, suggest you use it / 3. I think it's very important to change something, let's discuss / 4. I'm not willing to approve or compromise, but feel free to get approval from someone else / 5. If anyone allows this to be merge, I will escalate.
Then still we should use good tone, but it's more explicit what to expect, now. Open communication is key to a psychologically safe environment. But I'm Dutch :-)
I think the real problem is the we lack a framework that makes explicit:
* What is the goal of a review, according to the team? Spotting bugs? Prevent security flaws? Guarding the architecture? Making suggestions to grow better as programmers? These goals partially overlap, but are different. Are you aligned, as a team?
* Encode your priority in each comment. We could use some semantic prefix for a comment that categorizes it as, in increasing order: 1.suggestion to share views and alternative approaches, do as you please / 2. I think another approach would be better, suggest you use it / 3. I think it's very important to change something, let's discuss / 4. I'm not willing to approve or compromise, but feel free to get approval from someone else / 5. If anyone allows this to be merge, I will escalate.
Then still we should use good tone, but it's more explicit what to expect, now. Open communication is key to a psychologically safe environment. But I'm Dutch :-)