I've felt motivated to dump a bunch of personal stuff here after reading this. I know this isn't the best way to deal with things and it's not interesting reading for most people, but putting it in the open anonymously would help me a bit.
I have similar problems with mental health. I don't think I have as much trouble with the autism and ADD aspects. I can definitely focus on a single task for long periods when motivated. Although I do have communication issues due to depression and social anxiety, and low self-esteem around my job performance (and really in general).
I didn't know what to do once I finished high school. I got into software development because I was bouncing around university degrees and ended up doing a programming course. I found it more interesting and easier than any of the other subjects I had done, and decided it was a sensible idea to make it a career.
I remember thinking I was good at it because I often did better than my peers in those classes. I know now that wasn't as strong an indicator as I thought it was, as the majority of those people probably had their own subjects they found easy and interesting. I read Timequake recently and the chapter about meeting someone that "cuts you a new asshole" stood out to me. The first time that happened to me was my industry internship, where they weren't shy about saying I didn't know as much as I thought I did.
I got a job and worked really hard in the first few years trying to prove myself. I was very productive and made a few things that impressed people. And then a better engineer came along and, rightfully, poked a lot of holes in the work I had done. And this better engineer eventually started getting the more interesting work and opportunities and my motivation just kind of died away. I'm still here almost a decade later. It's impossible to be fired where I am so long as you do the bare minimum, which is a blessing and a curse. I've gone for a few other jobs over the years but chickened out when I got an offer because I'm afraid of going somewhere where I can be fired for poor performance, worried that I wouldn't find that motivation again.
My work now is maintenance and easy tasks. I avoid trying to do anything new or bring forward ideas because I made so many mistakes that it became humiliating. I think a healthy person in my situation would take the opportunity to learn from their betters and be motivated to improve, but I feel like a failure. I've isolated myself and work remotely because I've never done well socially and feel like I'm a bad fit for the office and the culture. The isolation compounds things as you end up forgotten, and so much nuance is lost in communication which leads to misreading things and becoming easily offended.
I know that I'm depressed and need to get help. I should start with therapy. I've tried it before but never found a good therapist. I should probably also try medication, but that scares me. I went through the ringer with psychiatrists when I was a teenager, got a bipolar diagnosis. I tried a lot of medications and remember not feeling improvement at all, just being miserable and dealing with weird side effects. I need to try again though. Despite my issues I've still ended up with a wonderful relationship and a small amount of friends who are very good people. But I can feel I am getting worse and my mental health is a threat to the good things I have. I would really like to improve my mental health and find a different career, while I still have time to do it. In Timequake, in regards to the cutting of the new asshole, Vonnegut said people should aspire to do what's natural and interesting to them. Unfortunately I don't know what that is yet, but I know I need to sort my shit out before I can start pursuing it.
I have similar problems with mental health. I don't think I have as much trouble with the autism and ADD aspects. I can definitely focus on a single task for long periods when motivated. Although I do have communication issues due to depression and social anxiety, and low self-esteem around my job performance (and really in general).
I didn't know what to do once I finished high school. I got into software development because I was bouncing around university degrees and ended up doing a programming course. I found it more interesting and easier than any of the other subjects I had done, and decided it was a sensible idea to make it a career. I remember thinking I was good at it because I often did better than my peers in those classes. I know now that wasn't as strong an indicator as I thought it was, as the majority of those people probably had their own subjects they found easy and interesting. I read Timequake recently and the chapter about meeting someone that "cuts you a new asshole" stood out to me. The first time that happened to me was my industry internship, where they weren't shy about saying I didn't know as much as I thought I did.
I got a job and worked really hard in the first few years trying to prove myself. I was very productive and made a few things that impressed people. And then a better engineer came along and, rightfully, poked a lot of holes in the work I had done. And this better engineer eventually started getting the more interesting work and opportunities and my motivation just kind of died away. I'm still here almost a decade later. It's impossible to be fired where I am so long as you do the bare minimum, which is a blessing and a curse. I've gone for a few other jobs over the years but chickened out when I got an offer because I'm afraid of going somewhere where I can be fired for poor performance, worried that I wouldn't find that motivation again.
My work now is maintenance and easy tasks. I avoid trying to do anything new or bring forward ideas because I made so many mistakes that it became humiliating. I think a healthy person in my situation would take the opportunity to learn from their betters and be motivated to improve, but I feel like a failure. I've isolated myself and work remotely because I've never done well socially and feel like I'm a bad fit for the office and the culture. The isolation compounds things as you end up forgotten, and so much nuance is lost in communication which leads to misreading things and becoming easily offended.
I know that I'm depressed and need to get help. I should start with therapy. I've tried it before but never found a good therapist. I should probably also try medication, but that scares me. I went through the ringer with psychiatrists when I was a teenager, got a bipolar diagnosis. I tried a lot of medications and remember not feeling improvement at all, just being miserable and dealing with weird side effects. I need to try again though. Despite my issues I've still ended up with a wonderful relationship and a small amount of friends who are very good people. But I can feel I am getting worse and my mental health is a threat to the good things I have. I would really like to improve my mental health and find a different career, while I still have time to do it. In Timequake, in regards to the cutting of the new asshole, Vonnegut said people should aspire to do what's natural and interesting to them. Unfortunately I don't know what that is yet, but I know I need to sort my shit out before I can start pursuing it.