I appreciate that, but... When I pass beggars on the street, I've rarely given money to them, even back when I could afford to. It would be a bit hypocritical to do the same thing.
Everyone has problems. They don't define me. The main issue is that staying anonymous wouldn't go over well, and I don't want to be known as that guy with ass cancer.
A strange thing happened in the dota2 community. Dota 2 is a competitive game, and as such, it has casters (sports commenters). One very good caster is Sheever, but she was usually looked down upon as less talented than the other casters. Sheever had her moments, and she was pretty solid, but it's important to have an accurate perspective of your own work.
Then she publicly stated she had breast cancer, and everything changed. Overnight, everyone was super nice, to a ridiculous degree.
2. The person from HN who ultimately took his own life near the end. I cannot even remember his name... I feel like I owe him more than that.
Death is our shared destination.
The only thing I regret is not ever having enough money to scrape together to father a child... It's kind of the only thing my wife and I want out of life at the moment, but it's totally out of reach. And it's partly my fault. If I traded away all of my time and made my life all about work, I could do that. But then is what little time I have left still worth living?
It's complicated. I enjoy having the option of getting people to listen. People tend to pay more attention when someone is at the end of their life, out of respect. So I'm putting together some writings that I hope will provide at least mild amusement / interest for a week or so, for whoever stumbles on them.
There are worse fates. I get to live in a time when I can connect with you fine people. I really believe in this community, as cheesy as that sounds.
To put it one other way: if my work is not good enough to attract money, for one reason or another, then that says a lot about society. I'm a relatively smart and capable Lisp hacker. I would rather serve as an example of the kinds of problems people with narcolepsy have, which are not fully appreciated or understood. E.g. most people in my life berated me for being lazy, growing up, and most of my memories from that time period were not good. If people understood there was a medical basis for this, they probably would have been more understanding, and I could have carved out a little niche for myself somewhere more easily. I, too, didn't understand what was going on, and thought that most people were just much more motivated than I was, so I started to look down on myself.
You have no idea how much I want to, but $1k for a colonoscopy is wildly optimistic. It's probably going to be $3k or $4k minimum. I make $750 bimonthly, which barely pays the rent. My roommate pays the rest of our living expenses. There's $1,800 in the bank.
What do I do? Show up and say "There's no way I can ever pay for this, but see me anyway"? I literally have no idea, and I'd feel like a complete scumbag for doing that.
I know it's pressing and urgent, there's just... It's societal pressure. Am I really going to stare at the receptionist and say "No, I won't give you my debit card info; yes, I want you to see me anyway"? They'll tell me to GTFO.
Nope, I have no idea what the blood is from. I can't afford to see a doctor. :) TMI below, so stop reading.
Before I switched diets a month ago, I had blood about 80% of the time. It's ... Mixed in, and dark, as opposed to bright red and on the surface. Meaning whatever it is, it's deep inside my intestinal tract.
Since a month ago I've seen it only once. I'm holding out hope it's just a stomach ulcer or some weird thing involving sugar. Cutting that crap completely seemed to help.
But that's homeopathy, not medicine. I need to get scoped out to figure out what's up.
I read that and think "I'd rather die of cancer," but then I read about what it's like and realize it's just a mental hangup. Pretty powerful one though. I think the author probably delayed getting checked for similar reasons.
Ever make chicken? 3lbs of chicken is $15 alone ($3.59/lb x 4 lbs, about 1lb of liquid). That's not a lot of food.
Oh, hmm.. How about hamburger then? Same story.
$1k would absolutely be a lifechanger. I'd be able to go get my colonoscopy that I desperately need, or be able to at least go to a therapist to help get over my fear of needles in preparation for that.
You bet I'll drop $15 on CAH. I'm not going to deny myself entertainment just because there are other things I need.
Look at it this way: $15 is a one-time expense. Health insurance is $400/mo.
And I'm not even that poor. I'd rather the $1k go to someone who needs it more than me.
I've been concealing cancer symptoms for years, mostly because I can't afford to get a colonoscopy. Even the cheapest clinics run well over $1k, which is totally out of reach.
The secondary reason is an unhealthy fear of needles and a desire to live without a colostomy bag.
I know I need to see a psychiatrist or a therapist to help me get over these irrational fears, but you guessed it: I can't afford to. I make just enough not to be covered by any of the ACA's tiers, which means it'd be $400/mo for health insurance. It's like.. $400/mo? Do you have any idea what I could buy with $400/mo? I'd be able to afford to eat as much meat as I want to, let alone health insurance.
So yeah, just barely treading water down here in the good ol' USA. Cheers from down south.
(I'm not jealous, to be clear. Hopefully we'll get our stuff sorted out someday.)
Everyone has problems. They don't define me. The main issue is that staying anonymous wouldn't go over well, and I don't want to be known as that guy with ass cancer.
A strange thing happened in the dota2 community. Dota 2 is a competitive game, and as such, it has casters (sports commenters). One very good caster is Sheever, but she was usually looked down upon as less talented than the other casters. Sheever had her moments, and she was pretty solid, but it's important to have an accurate perspective of your own work.
Then she publicly stated she had breast cancer, and everything changed. Overnight, everyone was super nice, to a ridiculous degree.
I saw similar things happen here, in two instances: 1. Randy Pausch, noted CMU professor who spoke at length about time management: http://www.post-gazette.com/breaking/2008/07/25/Randy-Pausch...
2. The person from HN who ultimately took his own life near the end. I cannot even remember his name... I feel like I owe him more than that.
Death is our shared destination.
The only thing I regret is not ever having enough money to scrape together to father a child... It's kind of the only thing my wife and I want out of life at the moment, but it's totally out of reach. And it's partly my fault. If I traded away all of my time and made my life all about work, I could do that. But then is what little time I have left still worth living?
It's complicated. I enjoy having the option of getting people to listen. People tend to pay more attention when someone is at the end of their life, out of respect. So I'm putting together some writings that I hope will provide at least mild amusement / interest for a week or so, for whoever stumbles on them.
There are worse fates. I get to live in a time when I can connect with you fine people. I really believe in this community, as cheesy as that sounds.
To put it one other way: if my work is not good enough to attract money, for one reason or another, then that says a lot about society. I'm a relatively smart and capable Lisp hacker. I would rather serve as an example of the kinds of problems people with narcolepsy have, which are not fully appreciated or understood. E.g. most people in my life berated me for being lazy, growing up, and most of my memories from that time period were not good. If people understood there was a medical basis for this, they probably would have been more understanding, and I could have carved out a little niche for myself somewhere more easily. I, too, didn't understand what was going on, and thought that most people were just much more motivated than I was, so I started to look down on myself.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YMPzDiraNnA is worth internalizing. How you deal with problems determines the kind of person you are.