I'm in a similar position but figured out how to work out last year. it's not a panacea, but working out is quite fun and is a great skill. I never had a personal trainer, but the best part about having one would probably be that they could set you up with some plans to follow, removing all the initial guesswork. The hardest part about working out for me is trying to figure out a goal to optimize for that's not too far away but not too simple either.
Depression is a strange thing. In my case, the causes are plainly visible to me or any passer-by: I don't have much in the way of connections, assets, or responsibilities. Surely, it wasn't (and isn't) bound-to-be: my upbringing and environment lack little, and when I've had some of any of the three, I've done better for myself.
I want these things, but I abase myself such that I can barely act at all. Maybe it's a tyranny of being a social animal where the humiliated keep themselves low out-of-sight through some natural pack instinct.
As a higher animal, surely there's a way out of it. And of course there is. But it's a tangle: how can you connect to anyone when you feel completely humiliated? When the act of any connection makes you feel ill and behave strangely? How do you build assets and security when you're sickened by responsibility? And why can your instincts –designed to guide and protect you– screw you over so badly? When a bright, sunny day surrounded by loved ones seems like a trip to hell, how do you even start to work through that?
I have a lot of goals, but there seems to be this bottleneck that prevents moving meaningfully on any of them. The thing is: I know to get out the other side, I need connections, responsibility, work, etc. But I seem to be getting worse at it, not better, and the years are just flying by.
Thanks, this is really practical advice. The consistency is difficult; for reasons not (fully) understood to me, I often isolate myself after a mounting internal pressure, described in this comment: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=46139449
Don't feel you have to add anything more, but if you have advice not covered in the article, I would love to hear what you have to say.
> I highly recommend the book "To Sell Is Human" that reframes "sales" as something more, i.e. convincing a child they need to brush their teeth before bed is also "sales"
It sounds like there might be some overlap with my favourite book, Never Split the Difference (:s/sales/negotation). Quote:
---
Life is negotiation. The majority of the interactions we have at work and at home are negotiations that boil down to the expression of a simple, animalistic urge: I want.
“I want you to free the hostages,” is a very relevant one to this book, of course. But so is:
“I want you to accept that $1 million contract.”
“I want to pay $20,000 for that car.”
“I want you to give me a 10 percent raise.” and
“I want you to go to sleep at 9 p.m.”
---
> Another book recommendation, "The Now Habit"
I've heard of this one, and tried a few systems. Right now I'm reading Getting Things Done, and I really like it so far. It emphasizes simplicity and developing a system you can trust so you have less running around wild in your brain.
I think my two big problems are:
1. Lack of writing experience generally; and
2. It's hard to explain, but I'm very much stuck in my own head. I do put myself out there, in personal life and professionally, but I tend to have this sickly feeling that grows until I delete my public profiles (professionally) and let most relationships go (personally). I guess I'm "Prone to isolation". This is a big problem in life, but I know I can't just easily solve it, I need to solve it by taking action in my life, like trying to work in my field. I can't wait until I'm perfect to start living and taking action, it's the action itself that will change things. But emotionally, I'm so twisted up that it's hard to get anywhere at all.
My ex was on antidepressants which had a huge impact on her life. If she missed her meds or (god forbid) was late on her prescription, it was terrifyingly bad.
Orthogonally, she also had sensitivities to light and epileptic symptoms. She told the doctor this, and the doctor doubled her dose of antidepressants. Just one of many, many stories. I've come to consider the higher-level of medicine quite scientific, but the on-the-ground doctors as unscientific. They mostly don't have time or enough feedback to make good decisions in most cases I've seen. That's a profession that shouldn't work on faith.
Backpacking was nice. As for nature, my town is in the thick of it, so I'm alone in nature quite a lot. That's one reason I return, I really miss it in the city.
I've been in fact outside of my home for some weeks, visiting a sibling in a different country and helping with the new baby and other household stuff. It's been a bit stressful (hard to have structure when you're sleeping on the couch and there's a newborn), but mostly quite nice to be part of a whole. I help out with the baby, cook, socialize, and work on my software when I have time. I wish I could've had more structure, but the "limited time" aspect is a great motivator.
Now I'm heading back home, and that worries me. It feels like I've been outside in the fresh air --to a degree-- and now I'm opening the windowless, stuffy shed and walking back inside for the winter. I do have to go back, even if I'm to leave I need to make some money to launch myself out. But it's like a tar pit of the mind.
The issue is deeper, I think. When I go to software meetups, I feel bitter. I used to have friends in technology, but most of them I cut off without a word, and those that reach out I resent. When I'm outside of my hometown, I feel like I can't relate to anyone, and when I'm back... it's hard to describe. I'd rather disappear than have anyone see or think about me. It's hard to even go get groceries now. I used to have "my people", but now I don't have anyone (except a few family members, -ish) that fits that. The common denominator, of course, is me.
I have times of regularity, where I'm charismatic and talking with people. But even then I find that all my stories end with "... that person drives me crazy!" ... Well of course they do, seems like everyone does.
The faults I judge the most in people are the ones I struggle with, or ones I've seen other loved ones struggle with where I wasn't able to help. I want to be kind, to be empathetic really, but I feel so afraid, so incapable of helping, guiding, or even listening empathetically in any way that my reactions are ...bad. Unkind, or alien.
Throwaway, to do away with the polite fiction that I usually present.
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your hometown
/ Waiting for someone or something to show you the way
At 11 I started writing software, with entrepreneurial aspirations helped by my parents. Over my teen years I must have designed a dozen sites I never published. I did alright in school, but I was never on time. At 18, out of high school, I got my first job. I moved to the city, went to college, and flunked out. I couldn't get up for class on time, I couldn't understand the "basic high school review" math course.
So, at 19 I moved back home, worked a year, and moved back to the city to work as a developer. I applied here and there, there was never much interest. I got comfortable, and although ashamed to sickness, I managed to spend the pandemic years not working at all. I suppose my ego and immaturity "prevented" me from working a regular job.
At 23 I moved back to my home town, to work my 3rd job ever, as a cleaner alongside a bunch of teens. After a year of that, I moved to a new big city, swallowed my pride and immediately got another cleaning job. I hoped to move on from that, maybe to software, maybe some new calling.
A new life circumstance hit me like a truck, and I had a very dark year. Stayed at that minimum wage job. 24, 25, moved back home.
The last year I've been trying to improve, taking online courses, going to the gym, building a piece of software that has real value, as in, can actually make money. But, well, I have a hard time believing anything has much of value. I'm 26 now. Spent most of my year "improving", a small portion working.
I maintain the polite fiction because I don't like people asking me why I do the things I do, I don't really know. I guess I do what's easy. A younger me would've chalked it up to "trauma", "anxiety", "depression", or some DSM-able disorder. An older me doesn't believe that at all. But I barely work, don't drive, and I really isolate myself. This was all quite bad before, but after the "circumstance", the last point is especially true.
I know how to get out of the "not working" cycle, I have to get a job first-and-foremost. But I don't know how to get out of the isolation cycle, it's been getting worse and worse. I try and read up on it, but all the advice is about "making friends". That's not really my issue. I feel like an alien, and most everyone drives me insane. Well, at least I can appreciate Kafka.
(After all that, I've never made a dime on software)