>Maybe heavy internet/gaming/porn use for 20 years combined with a lack of good habits has just created an addiction to stimulation and set me up for failure in general.
This is something I wonder too. Could I have trained myself into this state? Is this a learned behavior? Has years of laziness and gratification seeking created a state where effort is no longer an option?
> Maybe I just need to start believing in God and let Jesus take the wheel.
I've been told this works really well. I have a weird feeling it might even work for me, if I could somehow get myself to buy into the whole organized religion thing. Maybe if Elon started a Church of the Simulation I could get on board, haha.
The potential link to ADHD is interesting. At times I've wondered if I have ADHD. I certainly relate to many of the symptoms. I actually was diagnosed and prescribed Ritalin, but I have to admit that I was drug seeking at that time so not really sure the diagnosis holds water.
>Speaking of TMS, a new depression treatment out of stanford has come out recently that sounds similar
Funny you mention this, I was reading about it on HN a few days ago. It gave me hope. I actually emailed the group asking to be a part of a future study.
Actually, yes, it does feel like it could have a spiritual component. As a child I was a reluctant Christian. I’ve described myself as an atheist starting when I was 11 or so. Since experimenting with psychedelics, I now describe myself as an agnostic. I have a sense that there is some greater entity out there, but I have zero confidence that it resembles any human god.
I attended a Christian church service a couple of weeks ago, for the first time in over a decade. It was an odd feeling. On one hand, I felt a bit like I was in a cult meeting and I was totally disillusioned. On the other hand, after talking with people there, many of them seemed to describe a “void” in their life which was filled by religion. I can feel a void like that in myself. Maybe this is the “poverty of spirit” you describe? Still, while I agree with many Christian teachings, I don’t think anybody could convert me into a believer.
I feel the all-encompassing hopelessness; the nihilism. Nothing matters. There might be consequences of
my death, but ultimately those consequences don’t matter.
If I thought anything mattered, maybe I would think I matter.
I am very curious to hear more about your experience. I have to admit I’m having trouble understanding your solution.
Your empathy warms my heart. I appreciate the advice. It’s valid, and it makes a ton of sense to frame it in terms of “life and death”. It’s interesting, I was recently talking with my therapist about “my people” and commented on how I feel like I don’t have any people; that I don’t belong anywhere. You’re right that I owe it to myself to improve this part of my life. (You’re also right that I recoil at the thought of “work”, haha)
I hope you won’t think I’m a creep for this: I clicked on your profile and noticed you left a comment on the Stanford SAINT trials that were posted here a few days ago. I remember reading your comment and the thread it spawned. That post was actually what put TMS on my mind. (I also emailed the group asking to be a part of future studies.)
I’m really sorry to hear that you’ve been dealing with this much longer than I have. I read about those who have been suffering for decades and it always makes me feel a strange combination of empathy and astonishment. From that earlier thread, it sounds like we have some similar experiences. I too lack the “kick” to do basic tasks. I have so many questions. Is this something you still deal with? Have you found some treatment that works? How have you kept going after 20 years? A question I’ve been grappling with: how does one distinguish between “depression” and “laziness”?
Btw, since this thread is getting long, I thought I would drop an email in case you (or some other reader) were interested in chatting later: [email protected]
Thanks for sharing your experience and these resources. I read/watched each of them.
The OCD ones were especially interesting — I actually clicked around to some of the other articles on that site. I relate very much to the “obsessive” bits, but not so much to the “compulsion”. I spend a stupid amount of time thinking of past events, worrying about my mental health, and rehearsing imaginary conversations. I also obsess heavily about aspects of my girlfriend’s past, and this is something that has been observed by my therapist. I don’t know that I would qualify as OCD, though.
Congruent depression is something I wonder about a lot, although I haven’t heard it described in those terms before. I most often think about it in the context of Johann Hari’s TED Talk [1]. If I have congruent depression, it’s because I’m lonely. At the same time, I have no desire to hang out with people. This problem has really been exacerbated by Covid since I’ve been working remotely. I used to get “enough” social interaction from being in the office, but now I haven’t seen any of my coworkers in nearly 2 years.
Thanks again for sharing. Would love to hear more of your thoughts if anything else comes to mind.
Hey, thanks for your response. It’s heartening to see someone who cares for the well-being of strangers.
Not to be even more of a downer, but… I feel like I’m running out of options. I’ve tried Zoloft, Celexa, Lexapro, Effexor, and Remeron, prescribed by 3 different doctors. I’ve seen 6 different therapists. I’m extremely
privileged to say that I’m currently seeing a Stanford PhD out-of-network weekly.
I’ve heavily experimented with psychedelics, and while they’ve given me a much greater appreciation for arts and humanities as well as a curiosity about this universe, they haven’t made me want to be alive. I’ve experimented with ketamine recreationally, too.
I don’t know what to do. Nothing helps. I’m thinking of trying TMS, but I’m really skeptical of that.
Part of me wonders if I have what your sibling commenter describes as “congruent depression” — depression which is expected given the circumstances of one’s life. There is one aspect of my life which is lacking: social connection. I feel lonely, but it’s hard to tell if this is the cause of my depression. Even if it is, I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t really like talking to people — I’m very introverted and also talking to people makes me very anxious. It’s even more difficult because of Covid.
Your comment really hits close to home. I’m not living. There is no joy. And I can see, very slowly, the damage which is being done.
I’ve been depressed for 6 or 7 years. I’m 23 now. It doesn’t seem like it’s going to end.
I’ve been in a challenging episode for the past few weeks. I have been fortunate to be able to take a week and a half off work. I thought it would be relaxing, but all I’ve done is lay in bed.
My girlfriend lives with me, and I feel so guilty and embarrassed. I wouldn’t want to be with me.
I don’t think my problems are ever going away. It’s been years, and every aspect of my life is way better than when this all started. Except my mental health. I still feel just as shitty as I did 6 years ago.
I’ve started to look at life like a party that I reluctantly agreed to attend. I’m at the party, and I’m having a bad time. I just want to go home.
My vacation is over and I’ll be signing on to work in about 14 hours. I don’t think I’ll get much done. I’ve been thinking about checking myself into a hospital, but I’ve been there and didn’t find it very effective.
Loving someone with depression is depressing. I’m sorry to all of you loving people like me.
(posted on a throwaway because it’s too embarrassing to associate with my main, and I’ve actually had online comments like this used against me in the past)
This is something I wonder too. Could I have trained myself into this state? Is this a learned behavior? Has years of laziness and gratification seeking created a state where effort is no longer an option?
> Maybe I just need to start believing in God and let Jesus take the wheel.
I've been told this works really well. I have a weird feeling it might even work for me, if I could somehow get myself to buy into the whole organized religion thing. Maybe if Elon started a Church of the Simulation I could get on board, haha.
The potential link to ADHD is interesting. At times I've wondered if I have ADHD. I certainly relate to many of the symptoms. I actually was diagnosed and prescribed Ritalin, but I have to admit that I was drug seeking at that time so not really sure the diagnosis holds water.
>Speaking of TMS, a new depression treatment out of stanford has come out recently that sounds similar
Funny you mention this, I was reading about it on HN a few days ago. It gave me hope. I actually emailed the group asking to be a part of a future study.