> The addictions you describe, porn, YouTube, gaming and what you are doing here are in this theory related to dopamine. You seem to have kicked it or you can't reach your level anymore.
I felt uneasy about my relationship/marriage before going heavily into gaming and youtube. I think those two just were a way to not listen to my own thoughts and continue with normal life.
> Sometimes you need to do something extreme, shake things up or pick a fight and feel alive again.
I did something extreme last week which not even in a throwaway account I feel comfortable mentioning (nothing illegal of course) and I haven't felt this alive in years. Hell there are some nights I haven't been able to sleep remembering what I did last week and remembering with a smile.
> I don't know where you are at with this, but love does not rekindle on command. Just some chemical in your brain and everything is different.
Very true
> Others gave you some really solid advice here, sorry I don't have any.
Thank you, your post was very insightful nonetheless.
> Just be careful, this can be a very lonely planet.
Quoting myself from another comment:
"I've never understood the worry of how you die. Yes if I divorce and never marry again I'll die lonely, for sure. But should I be miserable for 40 years of my adult life just to not die lonely? I prefer to try to be happy for the good years that I have left instead of worrying and acting now in preparation for my death."
> You should try talking to other guys who have attempted this. If porn is distracting you, you're probably not going to go for women your age*. Past 40 or so, unless you're outstandingly rich or a 10, you're just not what young women are looking for.
I know no one that has attempted this tbh. Most guys stick and live miserable all the time, or don't even stop to think
> My guess is, you're going to end up paying a lot for sex, you're going to fall into another relationship without intent, or you're going to die lonely. Probably an undesirable combination of the three. And single guys die early.
I've never understood the worry of how you die. Yes if I divorce and never marry again I'll die lonely, for sure. But should I be miserable for 40 years of my adult life just to not die lonely? I prefer to try to be happy for the good years that I have left instead of worrying and acting now in preparation for my death.
> you're going to fall into another relationship without intent
I really hope I'm smart enough to remember this experience and be aware to not hurt another woman like this again.
> I can barely describe the euphoria in first months/year following my separation, waking up and proceeding through my entire day completely unbothered whenever I wanted.
What happened for you in the 2nd, 3rd, etc. years?
> But I can tell you that the wanting and longing for companionship doesn't magically go away. You presumably courted, wooed, and married this woman because you're in the 99% of men who want to feel that companionship in some capacity.
Yes, you are right. But is it necessary to commit to just one person for 40+ years just to feel that feminine companionship? There must be other ways... (for ex seeking short term relationships over long term)
> I don't buy that, unless you're asexual and aromantic. People tend to find love, if they're looking for it or not. And, not just men re-marry. If my experience is at all typical, a second marriage works better than the first because the first was foolish.
I didn't say I'd give up sex. Only long term committed relationships. I don't want to hurt another person the same way I will surely hurt my current partner
> This sounds quite insensitive, and I wonder if you're considering the emotional aspect of this. I strongly recommend counseling. Many of us here are on the spectrum, and have difficulty processing the emotions of ourselves and others without deliberate study.
You are right, the financial part is not actually the main problem, the main problem is how heart broken she will be. But I think the sooner the better, at least she has enough time to find someone else, if that's what she wants
That's why my current plan is to wait at least until she finishes her studies (she will be done by the end of this year).
I hope 1 year is a long time to differentiate whether it's just an identity crisis or not.
> (and whatever escapism is driving the aforementioned internet / games / porn avoidance)
I didn't feel any crisis or anything like that before starting with the addictions avoidance. It's just that I can spend sooo many hours playing video games or watching one and another youtube video all the day and then end tired and go to sleep. And on and on without ever stopping to think about how I feel, what I like, etc.
I'll definitely start therapy for myself at first, and later with her.
Of course I wouldn't ever tell her the truth of when I decided to get a divorce. It would devastate her to find her past X years have been a lie and I'd just be a great a*hole.
I'm trying to think in the best outcome for both, because even thought I don't love her romantically anymore, I really wish her the best for her life and I would like her to find someone else that might be better husband than me (if that's what she wants of course).
It's the first time I've been married so I didn't know what to expect. Even though we married last year, we've been living together for a few years now.
But it's hell for me, I want freedom, I want time, I don't want to guess how she feels or what she needs all the time. She says I should buy her flowers and that kind of stuff more often but doing it feels like a chore to me.
5 years ago I also wasn't sure if I wanted to be a parent or not, but I was more leaning towards the "yes". I think having a kid would be a higher goal that could motivate me to stay together with my wife. After deciding I don't want kids (with any woman) my long term relationship/marriage just crumbled like a deck of cards.
In the last 2-3 months I've been trying to not get too distracted with the internet/video games/online porn and I have had moments of boredom where I actually can think about what I want in life.
That gave me a moment of revelation: I actually don't want to have kids or be a family guy. I am not comfortable during family gatherings such as Christmas, never have been, and actually I am very happy being on my own. After deciding that, I started to question, why am I married in the first place? Not having children kind of defeats the purpose of monogamy and enduring the hardships of a marriage. I also don't love my partner anymore and I think she doesn't truly love me either. The lust, romance, etc faded after the first 2 years.
When my girlfriend went to visit her parents for a week in another city and left me alone in our house, I was the happiest I have been in years. I also felt very very happy once I decided I wanted a divorce and the only question left was the how. I even fantasized my wife cheating on me so I can divorce for a good reason and save face. I told my best friend it would be the best day of my life if that happened.
Also since she is young, I think she still has time to find anther man and have a family with another. The biological clock is ticking for her and I don't want to waste more years of her life.
I felt uneasy about my relationship/marriage before going heavily into gaming and youtube. I think those two just were a way to not listen to my own thoughts and continue with normal life.
> Sometimes you need to do something extreme, shake things up or pick a fight and feel alive again.
I did something extreme last week which not even in a throwaway account I feel comfortable mentioning (nothing illegal of course) and I haven't felt this alive in years. Hell there are some nights I haven't been able to sleep remembering what I did last week and remembering with a smile.
> I don't know where you are at with this, but love does not rekindle on command. Just some chemical in your brain and everything is different.
Very true
> Others gave you some really solid advice here, sorry I don't have any.
Thank you, your post was very insightful nonetheless.
> Just be careful, this can be a very lonely planet.
Quoting myself from another comment: "I've never understood the worry of how you die. Yes if I divorce and never marry again I'll die lonely, for sure. But should I be miserable for 40 years of my adult life just to not die lonely? I prefer to try to be happy for the good years that I have left instead of worrying and acting now in preparation for my death."