Hey, OP here. The abuse you experienced was terrifying. I'm really sorry that you went through it. I am glad you got out.
In my case, I feel comfortable trying to make amends with my dad because 1.) I feel pretty certain about my boundaries and 2.) I think he actually wants to improve. But he didn't want to improve until I had shown him firsthand that I could completely cut him off without looking back.
I think there are many parents who, even if are backed into a corner and given chances to improve, will not. It sounds like your stepfather is one of them. I wonder what his childhood was like, and what pains that he endured, in order to treat you so terribly.
I think what matters most for any individual person is getting ourselves to a state where we feel okay and happy about ourselves. How that process unfolds depends on the person.
Hey, OP here. I'm really touched that you read the entire piece. I poured a lot of myself into it, so thanks from the bottom of my heart.
I had a different problem with relationships. I opened up quickly enough, but my partners grew up with happy families and didn't understand the level of abuse I had experienced. I felt incredibly alone. If I didn't get extremely lucky and meet a partner who understood how deeply people could be abused, I probably would be single.
In my personal experience, my dad was trying his best but simply couldn't know better. When I think about the challenges he faced -- growing up in the aftermath of the WWII and the communist Revolution, his parents were poor, he immigrated to the US by himself practically penniless, being disdained by white people for being Asian -- I feel overwhelmed by how much he had on this plate. This being said, I am still mourning the happy family I did not grow up with.
I think the current/ next generation better understands that 1.) there is such a thing as trauma 2.) We can work through them so we don't keep harming ourselves and others. I am hopeful that more people can end the cycles of violence they grew up in.
Hey, author here. I appreciate your reflections here. One of my motivations for writing this essay is that the difficulty of Asian family dynamics is rarely talked about, despite it being something that many of us seem to face.
I have dreams about my dad as well. Just last night I dreamt that he was beating me, and I kept screaming "help me, help me!" in my dream, except no one responded. Always hard to remind myself it's just a nightmare in the moment, when the scene is so visceral.
I think you hit the nail on the head with coping being a hard journey that is still in our locus of control. I wish you (and me!) lots of grace in navigating the Asian kid journey. Think I'll always be navigating it.
One thing I wonder about your dad is what his childhood was like. I wonder what sorts of pains he grew up with, such that he took it out so violently (physically and emotionally), on you and your mom.
Thank you for reading through and for writing such a thoughtful comment. I'm really grateful for it.
Hey, author here. Thank you so much for taking the time to write a thoughtful comment. I had no idea what the response to this essay would be, so I'm really grateful that you read it in the first place and that the essay moved you.
In my case, I feel comfortable trying to make amends with my dad because 1.) I feel pretty certain about my boundaries and 2.) I think he actually wants to improve. But he didn't want to improve until I had shown him firsthand that I could completely cut him off without looking back.
I think there are many parents who, even if are backed into a corner and given chances to improve, will not. It sounds like your stepfather is one of them. I wonder what his childhood was like, and what pains that he endured, in order to treat you so terribly.
I think what matters most for any individual person is getting ourselves to a state where we feel okay and happy about ourselves. How that process unfolds depends on the person.
Take care.