Ask HN: How to Grieve?
44 comments
I lost both my parents in my late teens early twenties.
My mother died first, she was young, she had successfully fought cancer for 7 years.
I was very calm, people cried around me, my one brothers wife was nearly hysterical at times, I handled funeral arrangements and my dad was just kind of floating absently through everything, distant at times, crying at times.
I gave my mothers eulogy, she was a great person, nearly a thousand people came her funeral. She worked heavily with special needs children and was giving, amazing and genuine.
I had nightmares almost every night for a year.
They were awful.
I was never particularly emotional or weepy around others, I don't think I wept at all during that year of nightmares, I did the things that needed to be done and only wept occasionally afterwards.
People process grief in different ways, I had moments where I reflected similarly to you about my lack of emotion...
The more years went by the more I missed her, situations or events would arise and I would almost physically crave her presence and opinions... her person.
It was all there the whole time, losing her was devastating in spiritual, emotional and practical ways for myself and my family, people just respond differently to these kinds of things, there is no one right way and people who demand a certain types of expression of grief... well I've found they often, strangely, lack empathy.
For some people emotions run very deep but don't obviously surface (even internally.)
You will feel grief as it comes, no need to suppress, drum up or prematurely meta cognate about it. The waves will come to shore and you should let them when they do.
My mother died first, she was young, she had successfully fought cancer for 7 years.
I was very calm, people cried around me, my one brothers wife was nearly hysterical at times, I handled funeral arrangements and my dad was just kind of floating absently through everything, distant at times, crying at times.
I gave my mothers eulogy, she was a great person, nearly a thousand people came her funeral. She worked heavily with special needs children and was giving, amazing and genuine.
I had nightmares almost every night for a year.
They were awful.
I was never particularly emotional or weepy around others, I don't think I wept at all during that year of nightmares, I did the things that needed to be done and only wept occasionally afterwards.
People process grief in different ways, I had moments where I reflected similarly to you about my lack of emotion...
The more years went by the more I missed her, situations or events would arise and I would almost physically crave her presence and opinions... her person.
It was all there the whole time, losing her was devastating in spiritual, emotional and practical ways for myself and my family, people just respond differently to these kinds of things, there is no one right way and people who demand a certain types of expression of grief... well I've found they often, strangely, lack empathy.
For some people emotions run very deep but don't obviously surface (even internally.)
You will feel grief as it comes, no need to suppress, drum up or prematurely meta cognate about it. The waves will come to shore and you should let them when they do.
I’ve known the feeling, of pressure to grieve, since I was a teen, and from The Blindboy Podcast I have some more words around it: solemnity (by its nature performative, and maybe there’s a social benefit but I don’t feel it). I see funeral gatherings as a celebration of the life of the deceased and all the relationships they has to bring this group together. Not very Midwestern US of me. Privately I am more-able to cry and grieve, but in public maybe I’m performing? I find being around people exhausting.
My dad drank himself to death a few years ago (well, over a lifetime) and after about a year The guilt of not reaching out to him more often finally faded. I mostly actively remember the good now, while acknowledging all the trauma.
If you don’t already have a mental-health counselor (disinterested third-party, a “helper” in Fred Rogers terminology) I recommend it, at least to offload all your thoughts and feelings so you don’t trouble your family or friends who can’t handle it or would rather not (as others have noted in other discussions, some people have family and friends who will gladly listen and support—-good for them! I’m not so lucky, as much of my family is also dealing with a lot of trauma and I’d rather have professional, not-entangled advice). You’re not alone.
My dad drank himself to death a few years ago (well, over a lifetime) and after about a year The guilt of not reaching out to him more often finally faded. I mostly actively remember the good now, while acknowledging all the trauma.
If you don’t already have a mental-health counselor (disinterested third-party, a “helper” in Fred Rogers terminology) I recommend it, at least to offload all your thoughts and feelings so you don’t trouble your family or friends who can’t handle it or would rather not (as others have noted in other discussions, some people have family and friends who will gladly listen and support—-good for them! I’m not so lucky, as much of my family is also dealing with a lot of trauma and I’d rather have professional, not-entangled advice). You’re not alone.
Oh wow, really sorry to hear about it. I remember back when I lost my twin daughters I felt very similar. I even had people invite me to cry with them but I knew that wasn't me. Since that time I confirmed my thinking with a lot of my professional mentors and coaches over the years.
IMO the response you described is totally normal and likely the best fit for your personal psychology, especially if you have a personal history of similar responses to trauma. Your body-mind system is going to respond in its own way, and it really doesn't care about any other grieving stereotypes.
You can tell others--"look, I'm not OK, but I also know I have to process this my way. And I may need to process things at a much deeper level at first, a level of complex meanings that just don't easily reflect on the outside."
In the meantime I hope you will do the best you can for your personal care on an hour-by-hour basis. Feeding yourself properly, changing your clothes every day, making decisions to be active, getting any help you may need, will all have to feel like you're forcing it to some degree. That's normal in the circumstances. But if neglected they can add up to some regrets eventually, so hopefully there's at least a way to start putting some of those daily building blocks back together for yourself.
Hang in there, use the reflection time to soak up the big picture implications for your future and bring all of that life-changing, learning energy forward if you can. Good luck.
IMO the response you described is totally normal and likely the best fit for your personal psychology, especially if you have a personal history of similar responses to trauma. Your body-mind system is going to respond in its own way, and it really doesn't care about any other grieving stereotypes.
You can tell others--"look, I'm not OK, but I also know I have to process this my way. And I may need to process things at a much deeper level at first, a level of complex meanings that just don't easily reflect on the outside."
In the meantime I hope you will do the best you can for your personal care on an hour-by-hour basis. Feeding yourself properly, changing your clothes every day, making decisions to be active, getting any help you may need, will all have to feel like you're forcing it to some degree. That's normal in the circumstances. But if neglected they can add up to some regrets eventually, so hopefully there's at least a way to start putting some of those daily building blocks back together for yourself.
Hang in there, use the reflection time to soak up the big picture implications for your future and bring all of that life-changing, learning energy forward if you can. Good luck.
I typically don't grieve like other people. Mainly it's due to me having very low empathy. I've lost family members, and close friends, and I've not cried over it.[1]
I do feel slightly sad that they've 'gone away' but in the same way as if they'd moved to the other side of the world, and thus I'd lost contact with them.
My point is, we all feel things differently. Accept that your process is is how 'you do it' and it's OK for that to be unlike the people around you.
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[1] The only time I actually cried, was at a friends funeral, and at the end of the service we had the chance to walk up to the coffin and say a few private words to the deceased. When it was my turn, I barely managed to say anything before I totally lost it and broke down in tears. Took me by surprise to be honest - I don't know why it happened, and it's never happened since.
I do feel slightly sad that they've 'gone away' but in the same way as if they'd moved to the other side of the world, and thus I'd lost contact with them.
My point is, we all feel things differently. Accept that your process is is how 'you do it' and it's OK for that to be unlike the people around you.
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[1] The only time I actually cried, was at a friends funeral, and at the end of the service we had the chance to walk up to the coffin and say a few private words to the deceased. When it was my turn, I barely managed to say anything before I totally lost it and broke down in tears. Took me by surprise to be honest - I don't know why it happened, and it's never happened since.
When my mother's parents died, I really only cried once, and that was on the way home from what turned out to be the last time I saw my grandfather alive.
I loved them both immensely, so it troubled me that I didn't seem more hurt. I felt very self-conscious when one of the people providing hospice care to my grandfather commented that I seemed to be taking things well.
After a few years, I realized I wasn't more broken up about their deaths because I had already made peace with the fact that people die before I lost them. People have different relationships with mortality. It's okay if you cry, and it's okay if you don't. It doesn't necessarily mean there's something wrong with you, and there is no right way to grieve.
Since you aren't broken by the pain right now, use that composure to provide comfort to your family.
I loved them both immensely, so it troubled me that I didn't seem more hurt. I felt very self-conscious when one of the people providing hospice care to my grandfather commented that I seemed to be taking things well.
After a few years, I realized I wasn't more broken up about their deaths because I had already made peace with the fact that people die before I lost them. People have different relationships with mortality. It's okay if you cry, and it's okay if you don't. It doesn't necessarily mean there's something wrong with you, and there is no right way to grieve.
Since you aren't broken by the pain right now, use that composure to provide comfort to your family.
I've been in a similar position recently - uncle died from a quite sudden bout of MND, we were close.
When I found out I didn't cry, nor did I really feel anything. Just the absence of feeling. Oddly enough, when my cousin called to tell me, I hung up, told my partner (who was very sad), then I went outside and fixed the broken clothesline out back. My uncle was a very handy man, and I figured fixing something was a good homage to him.
I felt weird and guilty about not really having any emotions, but I genuinely didn't feel sad or really any different.
Then my family did a little memorial thing over Zoom (our country was in a hard lockdown). We each shared a bit about my uncle, and.... I fucking lost it. I've never cried in front of my family like that before. And then as quick as it came on, it left. Now when I think about him I do feel sad and I miss him; I think my lack of feeling was a bit of a defence mechanism, and I needed an appropriate venue to let it out.
A gentle suggestion: Maybe you're not feeling anything because you're making yourself and your (lack of) feelings the centre of this. Grieving isn't about feeling bad, it's about honouring the person you lost and your relationship with them. The end goal isn't to cry or feel awful, that's not some pinnacle you reach or checkbox you get to tick as "GRIEVING: DONE".
I'd try talking to a psychologist about it, and just have a good chat. Talk about how you're frustrated that you're not feeling sad or grieving, and how that's making you feel guilty. Talk about why you feel like you SHOULD feel heavy emotions, because this person meant so much to you. Then focus on the person, on the impact they had on you, on the things you love about them and the things you think they loved about you. Move the conversation to being about the person you lost, not your lack of emotion - realise that this isn't about you, it's about the person you lost and your relationship with them, which is gone now.
When I found out I didn't cry, nor did I really feel anything. Just the absence of feeling. Oddly enough, when my cousin called to tell me, I hung up, told my partner (who was very sad), then I went outside and fixed the broken clothesline out back. My uncle was a very handy man, and I figured fixing something was a good homage to him.
I felt weird and guilty about not really having any emotions, but I genuinely didn't feel sad or really any different.
Then my family did a little memorial thing over Zoom (our country was in a hard lockdown). We each shared a bit about my uncle, and.... I fucking lost it. I've never cried in front of my family like that before. And then as quick as it came on, it left. Now when I think about him I do feel sad and I miss him; I think my lack of feeling was a bit of a defence mechanism, and I needed an appropriate venue to let it out.
A gentle suggestion: Maybe you're not feeling anything because you're making yourself and your (lack of) feelings the centre of this. Grieving isn't about feeling bad, it's about honouring the person you lost and your relationship with them. The end goal isn't to cry or feel awful, that's not some pinnacle you reach or checkbox you get to tick as "GRIEVING: DONE".
I'd try talking to a psychologist about it, and just have a good chat. Talk about how you're frustrated that you're not feeling sad or grieving, and how that's making you feel guilty. Talk about why you feel like you SHOULD feel heavy emotions, because this person meant so much to you. Then focus on the person, on the impact they had on you, on the things you love about them and the things you think they loved about you. Move the conversation to being about the person you lost, not your lack of emotion - realise that this isn't about you, it's about the person you lost and your relationship with them, which is gone now.
Our minds have something like a circuit breaker that kicks in when our capacity to integrate our experience is overwhelmed.
You might want to take some time alone to be with your experience and not need to process the experience and behavior of others.
With time you can adapt to what happened and reclaim your full experience. For now there is dullness and fatigue while your mind tries to hold together your old way of being.
It will get better—if you let it. You must learn to feel.
You might want to take some time alone to be with your experience and not need to process the experience and behavior of others.
With time you can adapt to what happened and reclaim your full experience. For now there is dullness and fatigue while your mind tries to hold together your old way of being.
It will get better—if you let it. You must learn to feel.
I have experienced the "circuit breaker" and seen others go through the same. It appears to be part of the shock reaction that stops us from freezing.
I have lost both parents, a relative to MND and two friends to ODs. In every case the sense unreality was the initial reaction. Helped me to remain functional at the time and then with time the waves of grief came.
I have lost both parents, a relative to MND and two friends to ODs. In every case the sense unreality was the initial reaction. Helped me to remain functional at the time and then with time the waves of grief came.
For me grief is a sudden pang for something I can't have any more. Being pulled aside in a hallway by my grandfather so he can tell me a dirty joke. The bland taste of my grandmother's 'Chicken a la king'.
The first time i felt these was often months, even years after their passing. And in moments of vulnerability they can cut quite deep.
The crying you do in the moment has very little to do with grief in my opinion. Grief isn't being upset at a sudden change in the status quo of your life, it's the ongoing losses that you deal with as you move on.
I can't remember any of my Grandfather's jokes now. I went years without thinking about them once. Now it bothers me whenever I think of him.
To quote Gordon Lightfoot, "the feeling is gone and I just can't get it back".
The first time i felt these was often months, even years after their passing. And in moments of vulnerability they can cut quite deep.
The crying you do in the moment has very little to do with grief in my opinion. Grief isn't being upset at a sudden change in the status quo of your life, it's the ongoing losses that you deal with as you move on.
I can't remember any of my Grandfather's jokes now. I went years without thinking about them once. Now it bothers me whenever I think of him.
To quote Gordon Lightfoot, "the feeling is gone and I just can't get it back".
When my brother Richard died I was overwhelmed by grief, so I developed a systematic way to get through it. I assembled a list of all his adjectives (dear, lovely, wonderful, artistic etc) and all his nouns (brother, little brother, youngest brother, Richard, etc). Then, in the most bloody minded way, I went through and considered every combination of the 2 lists, and found that every descriptive phrase seemed to contain a droplet of grief... but only 1 such droplet. When I had worked through the whole list I had just about cried myself out, and I wasn't bothered by those phrases ever again. So I dealt with grief.
No one can tell you how to grieve. You feel what you feel, no one can argue with that. FWIW, I've always been closer to your end of the spectrum, not too visibly distraught even if I loved the person deeply.
Most of the time you know someone is going to die well in advance. A lot of people seem to avoid thinking about death, but I've found myself already into the acceptance phase by the time someone passes.
This was particularly true with my grandmother who slowly faded due to Alzheimer's. She was effectively gone for some time. I still got upset of course, but it was mostly when I was chatting with other family and recalling past events.
This was particularly true with my grandmother who slowly faded due to Alzheimer's. She was effectively gone for some time. I still got upset of course, but it was mostly when I was chatting with other family and recalling past events.
When my dad died people said I did not cry enough. I think different people are different and resent being told how I am supposed to react.
I have been watching a lot of Chinese TV set in ancient times (e.g. Three Kingdoms) and it is interesting to see the expectations that tough men, warriors, are supposed to cry. If you go to a funeral and don’t cry in that culture that would have been a serious breach of expectations and I think your commitment to the norms would be questioned.
In the last six months I have been working on a personal transformation of sorts and one of the discoveries is the cultivation of sadness to defeat hostility. I was in a situation where I had to eliminate rage against any possible provocation and i would flood myself with sadness sometimes based on my own personal losses, sometimes from fantasy and if all else failed I would go to the war memorial and start reading names.
I could not find the practice talked about in the western literature but found Chinese people knew about it hundreds of years ago. It sounds beyond the pale but I am astonished at the effect my tears can have on people, how it gets me much better results than getting angry.
I have been watching a lot of Chinese TV set in ancient times (e.g. Three Kingdoms) and it is interesting to see the expectations that tough men, warriors, are supposed to cry. If you go to a funeral and don’t cry in that culture that would have been a serious breach of expectations and I think your commitment to the norms would be questioned.
In the last six months I have been working on a personal transformation of sorts and one of the discoveries is the cultivation of sadness to defeat hostility. I was in a situation where I had to eliminate rage against any possible provocation and i would flood myself with sadness sometimes based on my own personal losses, sometimes from fantasy and if all else failed I would go to the war memorial and start reading names.
I could not find the practice talked about in the western literature but found Chinese people knew about it hundreds of years ago. It sounds beyond the pale but I am astonished at the effect my tears can have on people, how it gets me much better results than getting angry.
My wife passed away after a long illness and much great suffering. The first month after she was gone, after the first few days passed, I was actually happy. Why? Because her suffering was over. My worry was over. I'd never have to see her suffer again or wail in pain again. I was free of the ordeal that stripped us of so much.
Then, one day, I lost it completely. My daughter (29) even thought she'd already grieved and that she was over it. I thought we were doing something wrong.
Nope.
We all grieve differently and your time will come when it will hit you so hard you won't know what to do . That will pass. Your family needs to understand that. Everyone goes through it differently. You'll get through it and so will they. But not all in the same fashion, and you'll all come out with a different set of scars.
Also, a friend gave me this and it helped me a lot. I hope it'll help you too. https://www.jw.org/en/library/magazines/awake-no3-2018-nov-d...
Then, one day, I lost it completely. My daughter (29) even thought she'd already grieved and that she was over it. I thought we were doing something wrong.
Nope.
We all grieve differently and your time will come when it will hit you so hard you won't know what to do . That will pass. Your family needs to understand that. Everyone goes through it differently. You'll get through it and so will they. But not all in the same fashion, and you'll all come out with a different set of scars.
Also, a friend gave me this and it helped me a lot. I hope it'll help you too. https://www.jw.org/en/library/magazines/awake-no3-2018-nov-d...
Sympathies for your loss. Grief comes in many forms and there is no right or wrong way to grieve it’s even harder when you don’t feel like you have anyone to grieve with. I’m an open ear if you need one.
Recently there was a podcast episode made by some guys I follow that is one of the most real an raw conversations I’ve heard (other than my own) about death and grieving. It may or may not be helpful. I’ll quote the description and give a link.
“On November 19th Erin and Michael lost their 13-year old daughter, London, to a rare disease (HLH). It was an intense fight and escalated faster than anyone could cognitively understand. One of our practices is to be open and honest about our process, to discuss how we work influences how we live. This is the start of that conversation, of realizing your worst fear and stepping up to confront all that comes with grief, pain, loss, and love.”
https://www.nonprophet.media/podcast-nonprophet/ep-181-londo...
Recently there was a podcast episode made by some guys I follow that is one of the most real an raw conversations I’ve heard (other than my own) about death and grieving. It may or may not be helpful. I’ll quote the description and give a link.
“On November 19th Erin and Michael lost their 13-year old daughter, London, to a rare disease (HLH). It was an intense fight and escalated faster than anyone could cognitively understand. One of our practices is to be open and honest about our process, to discuss how we work influences how we live. This is the start of that conversation, of realizing your worst fear and stepping up to confront all that comes with grief, pain, loss, and love.”
https://www.nonprophet.media/podcast-nonprophet/ep-181-londo...
I have nothing to offer. There are 7 billion ways people may respond to grief. There is no template. Don't try to fit your behavior on "how to grieve" template especially from an internet forum, in case you didnt agree to their response. Please go with the your flow. Your answer to your question could be just a rewording "This is how I grieve, and its normal".
it's hard for me to respond to everyone so i'm going to hope that you will all be checking in on this at some point.
firstly, i want to say that i really appreciate your candor. for you all to share those personal stories with me, a stranger on the internet who lurks on a website, is very generous and appreciated.
secondly, much of the advice seems to center around the idea that there is nothing wrong with me; this is a strange and chaotic time for me, there is no by-the-book response. to quote user ss48: << "There is no 'normal' way to feel about a calamity because it is so out-of-place from everything else, and everybody copes differently and expresses it differently, at different times."
thank you. i believe this is what many of the lessons were also trying to get across. i don't know that i'll ever feel differently, but with some more time between the situation and me, i am starting to at least look at those feelings differently.
i hope in the coming years i can bounce back as you all have and return the favor to someone else.
firstly, i want to say that i really appreciate your candor. for you all to share those personal stories with me, a stranger on the internet who lurks on a website, is very generous and appreciated.
secondly, much of the advice seems to center around the idea that there is nothing wrong with me; this is a strange and chaotic time for me, there is no by-the-book response. to quote user ss48: << "There is no 'normal' way to feel about a calamity because it is so out-of-place from everything else, and everybody copes differently and expresses it differently, at different times."
thank you. i believe this is what many of the lessons were also trying to get across. i don't know that i'll ever feel differently, but with some more time between the situation and me, i am starting to at least look at those feelings differently.
i hope in the coming years i can bounce back as you all have and return the favor to someone else.
When my mom died after a 1.5 year battle with cancer, I was calm enough to make sure her funeral went the way she had wanted and write an obituary that honored her within the community she had been such a vital part of. If possible, harness your calm to do stuff your more visibly-grieving family can’t.
My best childhood friend invited me over one afternoon in the middle of that and with her, I let loose.
Even ten years later, seemingly random things will cause me to cry hysterically about her for a few minutes, but once I’ve cleaned up my tears and snotty nose (ugly crying!), I’m calm again. I’ve seen the term “Sudden Temporary Upwelling of Grief,” or STUG, to describe this. It helps me to have a strategy for dealing with these - at first, consciously developed for my common situations (work), now kind of in the back of my mind along with things like knowledge of where my office fire exits are.
You never really stop grieving for someone close; you just get used to the grief and learn to live with it like you would a serious injury that has mostly healed.
My best childhood friend invited me over one afternoon in the middle of that and with her, I let loose.
Even ten years later, seemingly random things will cause me to cry hysterically about her for a few minutes, but once I’ve cleaned up my tears and snotty nose (ugly crying!), I’m calm again. I’ve seen the term “Sudden Temporary Upwelling of Grief,” or STUG, to describe this. It helps me to have a strategy for dealing with these - at first, consciously developed for my common situations (work), now kind of in the back of my mind along with things like knowledge of where my office fire exits are.
You never really stop grieving for someone close; you just get used to the grief and learn to live with it like you would a serious injury that has mostly healed.
Everyone is different with this I think.. I like to suggest writing about it occasionally, singing about it occasionally.. ways to get it out / express it -
dance, exercise - yell scream and shout it out in a safe place.
I like to put soft limits on the time - so it doesn't become a 96 hour marathon.
There are some interesting tips in a john gray book: Mars and Venus Starting Over: A Practical Guide for Finding Love Again after a Painful Breakup, Divorce, or the Loss of a Loved One by John Gray
I realized some time ago that football (and other sports) watch parties are one of the few ways in which American men are sanctioned to be able to yell, cry, dance around in joy and sadness, touch each other (high fives, hugs, whatever)
and I got a new appreciation for people engaging in that kind of sports fandom.
And I constantly wonder what other activities with have in our modern culture that allow this kind of expression for men and or women.
I like to put soft limits on the time - so it doesn't become a 96 hour marathon.
There are some interesting tips in a john gray book: Mars and Venus Starting Over: A Practical Guide for Finding Love Again after a Painful Breakup, Divorce, or the Loss of a Loved One by John Gray
I realized some time ago that football (and other sports) watch parties are one of the few ways in which American men are sanctioned to be able to yell, cry, dance around in joy and sadness, touch each other (high fives, hugs, whatever)
and I got a new appreciation for people engaging in that kind of sports fandom.
And I constantly wonder what other activities with have in our modern culture that allow this kind of expression for men and or women.
Stumbled upon this today:
Epictetus on Love and Loss: The Stoic Strategy for Surviving Heartbreak (via https://getpocket.com/explore/item/epictetus-on-love-and-los... )
May be of interest to those looking for more ways to consider handling things.
Epictetus on Love and Loss: The Stoic Strategy for Surviving Heartbreak (via https://getpocket.com/explore/item/epictetus-on-love-and-los... )
May be of interest to those looking for more ways to consider handling things.
Relax, I was the same way when my dad died at 16. It will hit you later when you actually need them for something and realize they are not there.
I lost my father and my dog. For some reasons the only time I cried was when my dog passed away.
Did I hate my father? Absolutely not, but that’s what happened. Sometimes it’s not too logical, trust what’s inside your mind, you don’t need to break down to mourn.
Did I hate my father? Absolutely not, but that’s what happened. Sometimes it’s not too logical, trust what’s inside your mind, you don’t need to break down to mourn.
I lost my dad thanksgiving weekend and lost my dog right after new years. It could be I'm still grieving for my dad but losing the dog has really hurt.
It's a different type of guilt and loss when you were the one who raised them and ultimately had to made the choice to put them down. I think losing a pet might have more in common with losing a child than losing a parent.
It's a different type of guilt and loss when you were the one who raised them and ultimately had to made the choice to put them down. I think losing a pet might have more in common with losing a child than losing a parent.
No there is nothing "wrong" with you.
You may or may not be the type who is cries when someone passes away.
Then, one day, someone new passes away and you may have the opposite reaction to your normal reaction.
It is what it is.
All I can say is, don't leave anything off the table while they're alive. Do what you can for them, and let them know how important they are to you.
All I can say is, don't leave anything off the table while they're alive. Do what you can for them, and let them know how important they are to you.
though some might find that corny, i certainly feel this way -- i'm going to try and reconnect with some of the people here now. it's not that life is too short, it's just that perhaps i haven't taken advantage of the time i could spend with others.
First, you have to share your experiences with the deceased with others. Hear what they say about them. In few bursts throughout the day. Get in small groups (best if these groups are created spontaneously rather than arranged), and speak about the deceased. Just share. Let others share. Get into maybe 3-4 such discussions per day. Do it for 4-5 days.
Write about your feeling with no bars held. Even if you decide to burn the paper later. Write your heart out on paper with pen. Don't edit or filter it. Let it flow undeterred.
Sometimes grief strikes you in bouts. After 2-3 days you might feel all okay, like the grief has disappeared, and it doesn't affect you anymore. But it will strike again- in periods- again and again. It is only natural.
You should also know that- "everything will be okay" is a lie. You just learn to live with the changed reality.
Know that proximity to people who shared their company for prolonged periods of time is the key to get out of grief.
Do not avoid your grief. Embrace it and live with it.
Write about your feeling with no bars held. Even if you decide to burn the paper later. Write your heart out on paper with pen. Don't edit or filter it. Let it flow undeterred.
Sometimes grief strikes you in bouts. After 2-3 days you might feel all okay, like the grief has disappeared, and it doesn't affect you anymore. But it will strike again- in periods- again and again. It is only natural.
You should also know that- "everything will be okay" is a lie. You just learn to live with the changed reality.
Know that proximity to people who shared their company for prolonged periods of time is the key to get out of grief.
Do not avoid your grief. Embrace it and live with it.
I've had a similar experience when a very close uncle passed away. I was sad but not as sad as everyone else. It wasn't weird for me because I've always had a delayed emotional response to things. It comes in useful in that we can remain cool and level headed during panic situations, with the inverse being that we come off as aloof and uncaring.
For me, the release of anguish came right at the moment when the furnace was ignited and my uncle was cremated. It was a very brief but strong outburst of emotion.
It's been over 20 years so I can't say if I felt better or worst after that, or even if we're normal. Just that you're not alone.
Also, age doesn't make it easier. I've worked hard over the past few years to learn to smile 'naturally' and attempt to release emotions on the spot. Doing sports that come with emotional highs help. For me it was snowboarding.
For me, the release of anguish came right at the moment when the furnace was ignited and my uncle was cremated. It was a very brief but strong outburst of emotion.
It's been over 20 years so I can't say if I felt better or worst after that, or even if we're normal. Just that you're not alone.
Also, age doesn't make it easier. I've worked hard over the past few years to learn to smile 'naturally' and attempt to release emotions on the spot. Doing sports that come with emotional highs help. For me it was snowboarding.
In the experience I have in dealing with grief and in helping others through it, I'd say it's ok to feel whatever you're feeling (or not feeling).
I think the loss of a loved one can bring so many different emotions and that we may put pressure on ourselves (and others on us) to feel certain emotions and not others, but emotions often come or don't, outside of our control.
I had a friend who lost his best friend unexpectedly, mid 30s, and he said to me a few days after that he had the urge to go dance but felt guilty that he would go dance at the place where he and his friend would go. I told him it's ok to feel excited to dance, it's ok to feel sad, it's ok to feel confused, ashamed, numb, relieved, and many more.
Sometimes certain emotions come for people immediately, sometimes later, sometimes not at all—and that's ok.
Regarding talking to your family, sometimes it can be hard when our emotions are in conflict with theirs. If I say I'm feeling sad but not broken and they're feeling broken, they may have a knee-jerk reaction to attack our worth, eg, "What's wrong with you, didn't you care about them?" So what I try to do is pre-empt it a bit by saying how I feel and also saying I don't know why I feel that way, and then also saying how I I imagine they might be feeling. Almost exactly how you stated it in this Ask HN above. They may still respond in some form of attack, which can be hard to prevent. The part about imagining how they may be feeling might help you realize that their knee-jerk reactions to you are probably coming from their current emotional state.
I'd be willing to chat about this with you more if you'd like, most of my work is leading how to respond to emotional attacks and respond with love. If you'd like to, please find my email in my bio and send me one.
You're more normal than you think you are. I'm really grateful you posted this and that I saw it. I hope this helps you feel a little more at ease with how you're feeling. You got this.
I think the loss of a loved one can bring so many different emotions and that we may put pressure on ourselves (and others on us) to feel certain emotions and not others, but emotions often come or don't, outside of our control.
I had a friend who lost his best friend unexpectedly, mid 30s, and he said to me a few days after that he had the urge to go dance but felt guilty that he would go dance at the place where he and his friend would go. I told him it's ok to feel excited to dance, it's ok to feel sad, it's ok to feel confused, ashamed, numb, relieved, and many more.
Sometimes certain emotions come for people immediately, sometimes later, sometimes not at all—and that's ok.
Regarding talking to your family, sometimes it can be hard when our emotions are in conflict with theirs. If I say I'm feeling sad but not broken and they're feeling broken, they may have a knee-jerk reaction to attack our worth, eg, "What's wrong with you, didn't you care about them?" So what I try to do is pre-empt it a bit by saying how I feel and also saying I don't know why I feel that way, and then also saying how I I imagine they might be feeling. Almost exactly how you stated it in this Ask HN above. They may still respond in some form of attack, which can be hard to prevent. The part about imagining how they may be feeling might help you realize that their knee-jerk reactions to you are probably coming from their current emotional state.
I'd be willing to chat about this with you more if you'd like, most of my work is leading how to respond to emotional attacks and respond with love. If you'd like to, please find my email in my bio and send me one.
You're more normal than you think you are. I'm really grateful you posted this and that I saw it. I hope this helps you feel a little more at ease with how you're feeling. You got this.
I’m sorry for your loss.
I read somewhere once that grief feels like a ball in a box with a button. At first, the ball is almost the same size as the box, it’s pushing the grief button all the time. Over time, the box gets bigger, but the ball will always be bouncing around, and no matter how big the box gets, every once in a while it’ll hit the button and you’ll feel it.
Add to that something Craig Ferguson said talking to Bob Saget about their fathers passing: “It’s my grief and I’ll deal with it my way.”
If you’re feeling still and empty, then, yes, that is normal. It’s your grief, and you have the right to deal with it your way. Be the rock for your family, order takeout when you’re hungry, lie down and close your eyes when you need a minute.
I wish you all the best.
I read somewhere once that grief feels like a ball in a box with a button. At first, the ball is almost the same size as the box, it’s pushing the grief button all the time. Over time, the box gets bigger, but the ball will always be bouncing around, and no matter how big the box gets, every once in a while it’ll hit the button and you’ll feel it.
Add to that something Craig Ferguson said talking to Bob Saget about their fathers passing: “It’s my grief and I’ll deal with it my way.”
If you’re feeling still and empty, then, yes, that is normal. It’s your grief, and you have the right to deal with it your way. Be the rock for your family, order takeout when you’re hungry, lie down and close your eyes when you need a minute.
I wish you all the best.
A few things that you may find useful:
The heart takes time. The mind is as fast as a lightning, but often gets in loops.
The heart moves at its own speed, often glacial from the mind’s perspective. But it’s moving. The crying, the grieving, the heavy emotions are the heart digesting the loss.
If you can, find someone to talk to about this. As often as you need to. A friend you can cry in front. Someone who doesn’t judge you and can hold space for you without trying to console or change you.
You may find yourself going over the same territory, as if in circles. But it’s likely a spiral and not circles. Allow yourself the time to heal.
If you feel stuck and start getting depressed, seek help.
The heart takes time. The mind is as fast as a lightning, but often gets in loops.
The heart moves at its own speed, often glacial from the mind’s perspective. But it’s moving. The crying, the grieving, the heavy emotions are the heart digesting the loss.
If you can, find someone to talk to about this. As often as you need to. A friend you can cry in front. Someone who doesn’t judge you and can hold space for you without trying to console or change you.
You may find yourself going over the same territory, as if in circles. But it’s likely a spiral and not circles. Allow yourself the time to heal.
If you feel stuck and start getting depressed, seek help.
Time heals, so take your time, one day at a time. Don't rush it, it will take whatever it takes; don't try to conform to stuff either, whatever feels adequate just go with it.
Also, keep an eye on your (physical) health.
Also, keep an eye on your (physical) health.
Your reaction along with everything you describe is a perfectly normal reaction to death. You're overthinking this, and the reason you're overthinking this is precisely because you're in shock.
As this person meant something to you, you do indeed have a loss. You are processing this loss in your own way, which you will come to see in time. You do not need to worry about what others think of your reaction.
My one suggestion is to go through the activities of the mourning ceremonies even if they feel somehow trite or inapplicable. You may be surprised.
As this person meant something to you, you do indeed have a loss. You are processing this loss in your own way, which you will come to see in time. You do not need to worry about what others think of your reaction.
My one suggestion is to go through the activities of the mourning ceremonies even if they feel somehow trite or inapplicable. You may be surprised.
From my personal observation people with responsibiltes grieve at a later time and don't like most at the the of the incicent. It takes about 3 months to grieve some cases about a year later.
I'm currently grieving a large loss and reading an amazing book "finding meaning, the sixth stage of grief".
I cannot recommend it highly enough!!! The writer is a grief researcher and counselor who lost his adopted son to an overdose. The counseling wisdom along with stories from every angle and type of grief are amazing.
Get this book if you could ever use it!
From your post, people grief at massively different rates and processes. Unfortunately, grievers will often take another person's grief or thier own grief as wrong because it looks so different.
I cannot recommend it highly enough!!! The writer is a grief researcher and counselor who lost his adopted son to an overdose. The counseling wisdom along with stories from every angle and type of grief are amazing.
Get this book if you could ever use it!
From your post, people grief at massively different rates and processes. Unfortunately, grievers will often take another person's grief or thier own grief as wrong because it looks so different.
My honest advice is to accept how you feel, and let it be.
You may feel like you should suffer more, or wish you could suffer less at different points in time.
In particular, your situation sounds to me like you've shut down that portion of your experience, until such time as you can take the chance to process - at least, your description matches my experience of doing that. Don't let anyone make you feel bad, you have your grief, and will process it your way.
If you want to talk to someone, or more in detail my email is in my bio.
You may feel like you should suffer more, or wish you could suffer less at different points in time.
In particular, your situation sounds to me like you've shut down that portion of your experience, until such time as you can take the chance to process - at least, your description matches my experience of doing that. Don't let anyone make you feel bad, you have your grief, and will process it your way.
If you want to talk to someone, or more in detail my email is in my bio.
I don't think it's sociopathic in any way. There is no 'normal' way to feel about a calamity because it is so out-of-place from everything else, and everybody copes differently and expresses it differently, at different times. Each person close to the person who passed away is experiencing a range of sentiments and complex feelings that are so different from one another, which can include an absence of feeling, so it's perfectly normal to feel abnormal because everyone is going to be feeling abnormal in an unexpected situation. Sometimes, they might just be asking how you're feeling or coping because they are not sure how they are feeling about it and trying to experience it with someone else to recover, because they are concerned for every other person close to that person who passed, or because they don't know how to process what they are experiencing and just looking for ideas.
It might help to hear others express the grief they experience because hearing what they are feeling or doing afterwards might help give you some ideas of what to do next or think about this person who passed differently. I don't think they would feel that you have an obligation to express grief to them when you talk to them because not everyone grieves by expressing it or has a way to express it. At the very least, you know how much you loved this person who is now gone, and that much can always be conveyed, not just by how bad a feeling it is to have lost that person, but also by how positively and greatly you felt when you were around that person when he or she was with you.
Also, very sorry to hear about your loss.
It might help to hear others express the grief they experience because hearing what they are feeling or doing afterwards might help give you some ideas of what to do next or think about this person who passed differently. I don't think they would feel that you have an obligation to express grief to them when you talk to them because not everyone grieves by expressing it or has a way to express it. At the very least, you know how much you loved this person who is now gone, and that much can always be conveyed, not just by how bad a feeling it is to have lost that person, but also by how positively and greatly you felt when you were around that person when he or she was with you.
Also, very sorry to hear about your loss.
First, let me just say that I'm so sorry for your loss. Few things are likely to affect us as deeply over time as losing someone. You have my sympathy.
Like others will tell you, everyone grieves differently, and that applies to all aspects: timing, depth, breadth, mode — all of it.
There's no "right" way to grieve, and there's no "wrong" way to grieve.
It sounds like your own response is concerning to you, but it doesn't have to be.
In various crises in my own life I've followed a pattern that sounds similar to what you've described: I tend to hold my emotions at arms length, leaning heavily on my rational thinking to attempt to work through the immediate problem until the storm clears. I am usually very calm in the moment. That doesn't mean there no emotional response in the moment, but I tend to be a very slow burn on the emotional side.
What has helped me, and what I would encourage you to do, is find someone you can actually feel comfortable opening up to. Doesn't mean you need to dump everything all at once, but being able to have someone help walk through feelings over time can be tremendously helping in processing grief (and many other parts of life). If that's a friend, family member, or therapist, it's worth trying to find.
My guess is that eventually this acute crisis will pass, and the waves will find you. Having an outlet for that can be a lifesaver.
tl;dr — There's nothing wrong with you, but find someone to talk to so that you can work through the feelings when they arrive, which they will, in some way, at some time.
Like others will tell you, everyone grieves differently, and that applies to all aspects: timing, depth, breadth, mode — all of it.
There's no "right" way to grieve, and there's no "wrong" way to grieve.
It sounds like your own response is concerning to you, but it doesn't have to be.
In various crises in my own life I've followed a pattern that sounds similar to what you've described: I tend to hold my emotions at arms length, leaning heavily on my rational thinking to attempt to work through the immediate problem until the storm clears. I am usually very calm in the moment. That doesn't mean there no emotional response in the moment, but I tend to be a very slow burn on the emotional side.
What has helped me, and what I would encourage you to do, is find someone you can actually feel comfortable opening up to. Doesn't mean you need to dump everything all at once, but being able to have someone help walk through feelings over time can be tremendously helping in processing grief (and many other parts of life). If that's a friend, family member, or therapist, it's worth trying to find.
My guess is that eventually this acute crisis will pass, and the waves will find you. Having an outlet for that can be a lifesaver.
tl;dr — There's nothing wrong with you, but find someone to talk to so that you can work through the feelings when they arrive, which they will, in some way, at some time.
Consider observing one or more cultural ceremonies, traditions, and rituals about death of a loved one.
There's tons.
Don't be afraid of "cultural appropriation". We're all human. You're not hurting anyone by trying to ease your heart.
There's tons.
Don't be afraid of "cultural appropriation". We're all human. You're not hurting anyone by trying to ease your heart.
Talk to a therapist! Or better, talk to a few, and find one you feel comfortable talking with more. Not sure how to get you a list of people to consider but someone else here can help with that.
My advice is to accept your feelings, whatever they are. There is no right or wrong when it comes to how you feel, only what is.
some people have better coping / thriving mechanisms that they tend to have delayed responses. maybe not now, maybe next week, month, or even years. that day will eventually come.
Every one has the right to do things in their own terms and time.
Everyone process is grief differently and in my opinion there's no wrong way to do it. The only wrong way would be to avoid it. It doesn't seem like you are avoiding the grief it's just that you process it differently than those around you. Do not feel bad or think that your experience is less than theirs simply because of the way you process it differently. Some people make very outward signs because that's how they process their grief or maybe they are in fact putting on a show because they believe that's how one processes grief. You can never really know what's in the heart of another. For yourself and your description of things my opinion is you are processing it differently but you are still processing your grief and acknowledging that it's there. You are still going through the healthy stages of understanding what's going on don't feel bad because others do it in different ways.
I process grief very much in the same way that I think you do. I do not express a lot of outward emotions or outward crying but I do it through quiet contemplation.
Just so you can understand my direct experiences I've had grandparents and other elderly family pass but I've also had my son die. It was about 6 to 7 years ago now he was in his early twenties and was in a car accident and I was the only person in the hospital room at the time that he passed even though my entire family was there. My wife and oldest daughter very much had the outward displays of grief like you describe. They saw counseling and they went to various programs that help you deal with grief counseling and group sessions and it was all very helpful for them. It allowed them to process their grief in a way but I didn't avail myself to any of that and I don't think that my grief was any less than theirs or that I handled it in a worse way than theirs. I do think that they did perceive me as a bit cold but I have always been more emotionally distanced then they are to anything.
I also had my one of best friends pass away in my house. This was shortly before she was 30 years old she moved back from the other side of the country to stay with me for a while because she was having problems with addiction and so forth and I didn't realize how bad it was until I found her passed away in her bed of a heroin overdose. This was a very long time friend I knew her mother or sisters and some of her extended family and I processed the grief in much the same way.
Everyone's different and sometimes we can put on a show to act as if we fit in to try and make others feel comfortable. That works for certain things, works especially well in my job, but for this my advice would be don't do it. Your grief is yours process it how you need you don't need to put on a show at this time in your life to attempt to make others comfortable. If they're your friends or family and they truly care about you they will understand you and understand you are grieving in your own way and accept you for it just like you accept them.
I process grief very much in the same way that I think you do. I do not express a lot of outward emotions or outward crying but I do it through quiet contemplation.
Just so you can understand my direct experiences I've had grandparents and other elderly family pass but I've also had my son die. It was about 6 to 7 years ago now he was in his early twenties and was in a car accident and I was the only person in the hospital room at the time that he passed even though my entire family was there. My wife and oldest daughter very much had the outward displays of grief like you describe. They saw counseling and they went to various programs that help you deal with grief counseling and group sessions and it was all very helpful for them. It allowed them to process their grief in a way but I didn't avail myself to any of that and I don't think that my grief was any less than theirs or that I handled it in a worse way than theirs. I do think that they did perceive me as a bit cold but I have always been more emotionally distanced then they are to anything.
I also had my one of best friends pass away in my house. This was shortly before she was 30 years old she moved back from the other side of the country to stay with me for a while because she was having problems with addiction and so forth and I didn't realize how bad it was until I found her passed away in her bed of a heroin overdose. This was a very long time friend I knew her mother or sisters and some of her extended family and I processed the grief in much the same way.
Everyone's different and sometimes we can put on a show to act as if we fit in to try and make others feel comfortable. That works for certain things, works especially well in my job, but for this my advice would be don't do it. Your grief is yours process it how you need you don't need to put on a show at this time in your life to attempt to make others comfortable. If they're your friends or family and they truly care about you they will understand you and understand you are grieving in your own way and accept you for it just like you accept them.
I experienced this. The death was so traumatizing, because I was there, that it sent a zap through my body and I never slept the same after that, three years ago. And it turned into schizoaffective disorder. But I never fully grieved or felt sad.
i feel ashamed. i don't think this is absent grief. i loved this person with my entire being. i'm worried that there's something wrong with me. is this my way of grieving? is my coping mechanism letting go of all sentiment and walking through the motions? i feel so out of place; they keep asking me if i'm okay; i'm thinking of putting on the act of being completely distraught so that everyone else will leave me alone. i'm so drained and i think it's mostly this anxiety over my reaction. i'm hungry and exhausted and i really just want to know what to do?
are any of you who have experience in this department willing to give me some advice? i can't talk to my family, most of them are in an incurable state. the wound is still very fresh.