When people are actively watching me to judge me, my brain just goes blank. It's happened to me almost every time in technical interviews where I was asked to solve a problem in front of the interviewers, and it's happened to me at school too in oral examinations. Written exams were not a problem.
This never happens in normal work, even when working under pressure with a deadline that has to be met and not enough time to make it.
It's just a completely different setting and purpose. In one case I'm solving a problem for the sake of being judged and that judgement may impact my whole life for the coming years. In the other case I'm solving a problem because there is a practical need for it and I'm just doing my job.
It has nothing to do with being a good programmer or not, it has nothing to do with my actual ability to solve a problem either.
Obviously I'm not in your head and I could be wrong, but I think what sets you apart from the kids described in the article is that you acted on emotions. The kids described had none. They knew what they were doing, they did not black out in rage. The harm they did was calculated.
It seems to me that you had bursts of violence because you felt hurt yourself and needed to make things 'right', not just because you found joy in harming others.
Have you considered getting a copper IUD? I switched to it 8 years ago (I'm 29) and I'll never look back. The side effects of the pill weren't so bad for me but they were enough to get the feeling it's not a good thing to mess with the hormones in my body, and I'm not good at remembering to take a pill every single day.
Having my normal cycle back and not having to worry about my contraception for whole years is so worth the discomfort when inserting/changing it.
This never happens in normal work, even when working under pressure with a deadline that has to be met and not enough time to make it.
It's just a completely different setting and purpose. In one case I'm solving a problem for the sake of being judged and that judgement may impact my whole life for the coming years. In the other case I'm solving a problem because there is a practical need for it and I'm just doing my job.
It has nothing to do with being a good programmer or not, it has nothing to do with my actual ability to solve a problem either.