As a male who was wrongfully accused of sexual assault by a covert narcissist, and basically expelled from communities I've been part of for all my life, I find it hard to see this as merely a "culture war". I used to instantly side with the "victim", because I couldn't imagine that someone would invent claims in such a sick and cruel way.
I am not saying that this happens often, there's just no way to know. And maybe it's still better to "play it safe". It's hard, but I've personally grown to accept that I have to live with "being the perpetrator" in the eyes of most. I lost most of my what I considered to be my friends, and my professional career. But the few remaining ones who believe me I now know I can fully trust.
"it means someone who wants to be able to clearly communicate loses their ability to do so" is a result of "watering down important terms". Where is the inconsistency?
I never said otherwise. I said a forum full of hatespeech/nazis is not _automatically_ a "toxic" place. It may be "violent", or "dangerous", and other things. If you can outright see what they are up to, and they are open about it, it is not toxic. Membership may indeed become toxic for particular individuals later on. I didn't say it won't.
Don't you see how it is important to differentiate between these two things? Do you have a suggestion on how to make it clear what you mean if you mix two very different meanings into one?
I did not say it can only be used for personal relationships. I said it only _works_ in such relationships. Because that is a fact, once we narrow it down to its original definition.
Of course you are free to use whatever words for whatever you want. But it means someone who wants to be able to clearly communicate loses their ability to do so. I am asking people to reconsider, and be precise. If you call that "gate-keeping", we can start a whole new conversation about what "gate-keeping" actually _means_. Because if we do not agree on definitions of words, we simply can not communicate with each other.
""I spoke to everyone and they all think I am wrong" is a different statement than "I spoke to everyone and they all think you are wrong".
Continously being told to "be wrong" can instill such doubts, but more precisely it would be me worrying about you "seeing it wrong", not accusing you of _being_ wrong about something. Your quote does not necessarily carry that meaning.
I need to attract you, continuously, and then, in the same fashion, _hurt you_. Both elements need to be present for something to be toxic. If someone is "just" attracted, that's simply recruitment, and not toxic in itself.
No. A single statement can never be gaslighting. Gaslighting is a process. Being told to be wrong (even if you may be correct) is not gaslighting either. The important element is to plant doubts about your _perception_.
"Gaslighting" is an important term for someone messing with your perception, so you begin to fundamentally doubt your own feelings and experiences. It only works in contexts where there is an important relationship, e.g. a boss, or a partner, and over time. Not every simple lie is "gaslighting".
Same for "toxicity". An asshole is not toxic. A forum full of nazis is not toxic. An important element for real "toxicity" is something _attractive_, something that pulls you in, and keeps pulling you back in even when you are hurt.
If people continue to abuse these terms, they are watering down important terms for something that is really, really harmful. I'm not saying being lied to is not violence, or that an asshole is not an asshole. But there is no comparison to REAL gaslighting and REAL toxicity.
After studying this topic intensely for my own sake, I'd say it is more common than you thought because childhood trauma is more common than you think.
It can even be minor, little things that can cause memory splits in children for survival sake. These splits set the ground for future splits.
"The child survives the Trauma of Identity by giving up on his healthy identity, his autonomy, in order to have some connection with his mother, without whom he cannot survive. He is forced to identify with his mother's wants and needs, where his wants and needs are ignored, mis-interpreted or used as a means of persecution by the mother. This, then, brings the therapeutic question "Who am I?". And existentially this question is automatically followed by the question "What do I want?", because in order to know what I want I must have a reasonable sense of who I am.
The Trauma of Love happens when the connection that the child does manage to maintain with his mother after the Trauma of Identity is not in effect a clear, loving connection, but rather a connection that is painful, unfulfilling, manipulative and persecutory.
These traumas form the foundation of our life, our ability to grow up with a healthy, stable psyche, or not. All later experiences that constitute a trauma are always, also, a re-stimulation of these early, pre-verbal, pre-memory events."
I've had HPPD symptoms for many years after my first trip, and all of them are beginning to disappear now that I finally properly continued trauma therapies (with no substances involved).
I'm just making this up, and have zero studies to quote, but may it be that HPPD is actually a positive sign, on a path to healed trauma?
Even "worse", unresolved trauma affects people around you negatively, whereas it is typical that you have a blind spot for how exactly until you face it. I really strongly urge everyone to work on unresolved trauma, and not keep it "tucked away", even if it may feel like you have it under control and it is "not affecting you in any way".
I have been and I am still dealing with intrusive thoughts for the past year. I am still unable to talk about most of them or recall them voluntarily - only the rough circumstances, but not the actual situation(s). For the first months after the event, I was unable to drive a car or a bike because the thoughts come with body reactions: muscle spasms, blurred vision, loss of hearing, etc. It is still somewhat dangerous for me to drive because my hands or feet can suddenly cramp and I am unable to release. Intrusions can happen suddenly and without a trigger. Most of my intrusions now come with no "attached memory" at all, just emotions and very painful body reactions. I am still mostly unable to participate in "ordinary life" because you have a lot of situations where you don't want to have that happen around other people, because their reactions will really not help you "feel safe", which then contributes to retraumatization.
I still have this multiple times, every day, even with 2-3x therapy per week since a year.
This is nothing like "recalling a memory". Also, since I am unable to clearly express what I have witnessed/experienced, talking to "ordinary people" (e.g. most my friends) about it is mostly met with reactions that really don't help at all.
I am not saying that this happens often, there's just no way to know. And maybe it's still better to "play it safe". It's hard, but I've personally grown to accept that I have to live with "being the perpetrator" in the eyes of most. I lost most of my what I considered to be my friends, and my professional career. But the few remaining ones who believe me I now know I can fully trust.