So is it disrespectful to want to gift someone a meal? I don’t understand why it has to be so black and white.
Also the consent thing really sounds weird. Do you honestly go around making value judgements about when people did or did not seek your consent to this level of granularity? Why?
Again I think if the first place you go to when offered a free, meaningful and well intended gift is consent, you internally have an issue that you need to handle.
It might not be a popular opinion but all the comments about cultural differences, or needing to be careful with communication seem wrong to me.
Someone offering you a gift to pay shouldn’t come off as rude or a power play of wealth. It shouldn’t be a surprise to you that some people are more well off. If a kind gesture makes you feel awkward, guilty or lesser that’s insecurity on you, not them.
Maybe, just maybe, you are bad at receiving gifts.
Let’s be charitable and stop assuming people are doing something weird. Yes we can communicate better but we don’t need to walk on eggshells just to be kind to friends.
I absolutely love treating friends. I intentionally invite people to dinner, don’t tell them ahead of time that I’m paying so they order exactly what they would have normally. I excuse myself to the restroom and ask the waiter to use my card at the end.
The few times I’ve had people had an issue or feel bad, I was extremely clear with them that
1. I want to, it brings me joy to give my friends gifts
2. I do not expect anything in return, I just wanted to spend time and enjoy a dinner with them
3. I purposely budget to do this, it’s the same as me inviting them over for cooked dinner
4. If they are deeply hurt or bothered by it I have no problem with them paying the portion and won’t do it again if it wasn’t something that made them feel cared for or enjoyed
No. If the only way you can manage is via micromanagement then you shouldn’t be a manager, end of story, period.
The bar is far too low for managers already. The technical, communication and delivery bars are clear for developers at different levels. Managers have these too.
You don’t settle with dog shit management skills. If I ever saw a manager doing this and didn’t improve they would see the door in short notice.
Stop being lazy, provide your team with tooling or ways to help you gain insight. Make it clear to them what you need and how you can help them get there. Basically, do your job.
1. There are a decent amount of software engineers or programmers whom literally aged at the perfect time to organically learn these tools that later became fundamental. If you even touched a computer from the 60s to the late nineties in a engineering aspect at all, you were bound to have worked in a terminal, worked on computers with a single core, worked on computers with very little memory, had to either get comfortable with some lower level tooling or build your own, at some point had to mess with networking or at least understand how packets were being sent and received, seen and gone through iterations of version control and saving your work, automated task using shell scripts.
2. While there is a plethora of knowledge, videos, tutorials and flavors of ways to learn these things; the sheer volume and breadth that presents to newcomers is daunting. Yes you can learn Git, but there are so many ways to do it that it can cause analysis to paralysis. Building on point (1) if you learned it early there were only a few ways it was being done or even shared in smaller communities. Too many choices or paths can lead to just using the way someone showed you without digging 1 layer deeper just because you might not know better.
All of those things you ‘caught’ by being at the right place at the right time are a privilege. Please don’t look down on people trying to aspire to learn or want to enter into this field that haven’t got there yet.
Coming from a family of immigrants and being the first person in my family to graduate college + enter SWE. I cannot count how many times other engineers were rude, made condescending remarks or discouraged me by shoving these expectations in my face as failures instead of taking the opportunity to teach (I was always open to learning).
Accountability via trainer is a good option. Eventually the habit will stick and then you can pocket the money if money is important to you.
The low/no money option is to tether an activity that you like to one you dislike. If you like watching Netflix shows, only allow yourself to watch it when you’re on a bike at the gym (or at home).
Like to go on YouTube? Only while exercising. Be 100% strict and no excuses with it.
Don’t go too hard, cardio done at steady state for like 30 minutes a day will increase your life span and make you feel 1000% better. Weight lifting is a non boring way to also be at the gym.
Last tip: to retrain your brain recognize that agitation or frustration and lack of desire means you are heading in the right direction. Hate going to the gym? You are doing the right thing. Your brain will fight you but it’s the only gateway to feeling better and being healthy.
There are a couple different definitions of failures
Mechanical failure - your form is being compromised, usually induced by muscular load
Throughput failure - you could maintain form but your cardiovascular capacity is the limiting factor and you are starting to decrease in tempo (either in the eccentric or concentric)
Partial Failure - you use assistance on the concentric or eccentric to continue to do the one that’s still has workload capacity
Each type of failure induces a different level of lactic acid build up, or muscle tearing, and can be increased in different ways. Usually one of them is a limiting factor and is why progressive overload is proven to improve strength and size.
Most of the people I’ve worked with don’t know true failure (within 1-2 RIR [reps in reserve] left) because they’re limited in cardiovascular capacity to even reach failure or they aren’t pushing themselves due to fear of form breakage/injury.
The reality is you shouldn’t be doing 1 rep maxes often, but you should be lowering the weight and experiencing true failure in order to progressive overload properly.
Even with the evolution of Ruby on Rails and adding more rich feature sets, I wouldn’t recommend it as an out of the box Webapp BECAUSE upgrading to newer versions of RoR sucks.
The more time I invest in trying to like RoR the more I end up having to fork gems to patch them because upgrades cannot be made smoothly.
It so easily integrates ActiveRecord, and heavily encourages it, that when you want to pull out of using it it’s a huge pain.
Test suite combines unit and integration testing.
It’s been a net loss imho to learn and work with it over the years.
I’ve been waiting to be persuaded otherwise.
Edit: apparently people disagree with me but haven’t countered the points, is HN just full of Ruby fans?
So there’s a few really good resources on what we would now call minimalistic training.
Most people who go to the Gym do not need to squeeze out every ounce of progression. Unlike the fitness industry which is obsessed with small percentage gains because they are already in the 90+ percentile.
The study sighted really doesn’t do it justice to explain how much is enough to get the balanced, healthy long term impacts of going to the gym.
Go watch Jeff Nippards video on minimalist training, he also has a video interviewing someone whose PhD research is in this area.
tl;dr weight training for 45 minutes to an hour 3 times a week is often enough to gain 80% of the benefits from going to the gym (this excludes cardio vascular capacity and health)
Most threads cover anecdotal experiences and the summary is that many different strategies work.
I’m gonna go ahead and mention what I haven’t seen almost any thread say. Which is that any singular child’s early infant and toddler stages pale in comparison to the other 15 or 16 years+ that also determine your child’s habits, disposition and development.
Ignore the noise, partial studies and fads. Do what is best for you.
Dare I say if parents were less fixated on early sleep methods and actually being present and supportive (which also strongly correlates to having a healthy relationship with your partner and how your child sees you love them) throughout we would probably have better equipped and developed young adults.
We over index on sleep training when we lose sleep because it’s hard. But it’s a season.
Accountability is a core tenant of Christianity. In the end you are accountable for everything you say and do, or don’t do.
There’s bound to be conformity in the way people grow or change under a given framework which is what Churches provide for everyone attending. Conformity as a whole is not the goal otherwise we wouldn’t have different denominations and expressions of worship.
It makes me sad that many online conversations become the Church vs. LGBTQ. I know this is a sensitive subject and the source of much pain. My main point is not to discuss that at length but rather to point to what this article and thread address which is ways the Church can help with loneliness.
I did not mean to intentionally straw man, if I did forgive me. When I spoke of ‘you’ it was a metaphorical as a general person who might not want church and less targeting the OP directly.
I agree with their points I mainly wanted to provide another perspective in hopes that readers might give the Church another chance. We have failed and will continue to in many ways, but I’ve seen the good outweigh the bad.
People have left churches for a plethora of reasons, many of which stem from the church itself being corrupt. But moreover, as you mentioned people want a sense of community without and of the accountability that Church asks.
You don’t want to tithe because you don’t trust leadership with your money.
You don’t want to be told you’re doing things wrong, or to fix some of your sins.
You don’t want a judgmental group of people who think they are better than you.
You don’t want people who say they are generous but ignore the homeless and needy around them.
You want community without the worshiping God part. You want total freedom without guilt. And you want everything you do to be accepted without judgement.
The Church doesn’t exist to stroke egos or to center around a common interest (like a hobby). It supposed to be a place where broken people come and try to look more like Jesus. Even the Pharisees were corrupt. Corruption in the church isn’t new.
I think the positive impacts of the church aren’t publicized like the negatives are, just like any other large community, so like many people just take the worst and throw the baby out with the bath water.
There are good churches. There are good people. And money is honestly accounted for and used by churches.
I highly encourage lonely people to try church. But don’t just walk in thinking it’s perfect or that everyone there is to serve you hand and foot for just attending. It’s more of a hospital with patients that are committed to seeing each other get better.
What I’ve learned reading many of the comments on threads and most of the article is really just to keep your mouth shut.
You can comfort people in loss without saying a word. Your consistent presence through the grieving is good enough.
There’s an entire thread where people anecdotally share what others did to help them, and then two comments later someone says that it would offend them or come across wrong.
The aim shouldn’t be about perfection, helping people to make yourself seem like a good person or even to do what you would want others to do for you. It should be to selflessly offer consistent comfort. If they wanna be alone they will let you know, it the need something they can ask.
When my friends father died I said nothing, I just sat next to him and cried. I just wanted him to know I saw his pain and he was not alone.
Learning to come along side others in their pain is messy, hard and very inconvenient. But it’s the most meaningful part of humanity we have.
I work on similar sized teams, I introduce my PRs as stacked so they are extremely consumeable in very small bite-sized code changes and build on the last one reviewed.
It’s because people who ‘try’ their whole lives yo-yo diet or crash diet and that’s
1) unsustainable
2) extremely likely to result in more long term weight gain
3) very unhealthy for your body to constantly be fluctuating in weight so rapidly
If you are eating right (let me be very clear here, right doesn’t mean whole 30 or some vegan diet: it means calories within the means to not add or lose weight which is called maintenance) you are not going to fluctuate in weight very much.
The majority of people in America are overweight because they lack basic understanding of nutrition, don’t exercise enough (still you cannot outwork a bad diet), self-control thus overeat or some permutation of all three.
It’s straight up a bold face lie to say that the majority of people have hormonal problems otherwise we would have a national crisis on our hands with something that we should drop our jobs for right now and study because our water or air or food is heavily impacting our hormones to cause every single person on earth to gain weight.
If losing and maintaining a healthy weight was easy, we would have put it into a pill already.
Not to mention you don’t need to be in a caloric deficit your whole life. Hell you could even be 15% BF and maintain that for 40+ years.
Most people adopt those fad diets and realize how much they hate it because it’s so restrictive.
The main goal of a good and healthy caloric intake is to basically eat the right foods you want to eat within the portion that allows you to maintain.
It’s pretty simple if you look at all the diets today
- keto
- intermittent fasting
- vegan/ vegetarian
- whole 30
- carnivore
It’s all an aim to put guard rails on your diet by making some foods ‘off limits’. CICO literally calorie restriction by cutting out entire groups of food.
It’s not sustainable because everyone eventually runs out of will power and wants a donut.
The key is, track your caloric intake. Micro-adjust to get to a healthy weight. Maintain.
You should be able to eat the foods you wanna eat the rest of your life on a good diet, just less of them and you need to find foods that satiate you personally well to counteract overeating.
What doesn’t make sense about your statement is that CICO evangelists don’t claim that appetite or that satiation isn’t a problem.
One of the best examples I know of is Greg Doucette. He specifically preaches CICO because for 95-99% of people it is about putting the fork down. It’s a generalization because, more often than not you aren’t controlling your intake if you are overweight. There will always be the minority that truly have hormonal imbalances and need assistance losing weight.
If you have a higher appetite you should have learned about low calorie dense foods, and if you’re serious about losing or maintaining a healthy weight you have to find sustainable foods you like that fill you but are lower in calories.
There’s a heirarchy in terms of trouble shooting your weight problems and proper jumping to NEAT and hormonal imbalances is really just trying to take a shortcut for instant gratification.
Long term you can lose 1 pound a month, slowly, and keep it off the rest of your life via CICO.
Sorry for the rant but I can’t stand people who skip CICO cause they don’t like to hear it and haven’t done research on how to keep themselves full.
Satiety is subjective however it is widely accepted that foods high in fat can be more satiating.
Today the relevant case is Keto diets where replacing your carbohydrate intake with higher fat foods (steak, avocado, nuts) can help regulate your satiation by rebalancing your hormones. Increasingly so if you do intermittent fasting.
Although if you really just wanna be full go eat vegetables.
Exactly. In one of the parenting books I read it stated that we are inviting our child into our life, not the other way around.
We already know what happens when parents make their children a priority over everything else. I still plan to love my wife in 50 years and make friends I can invest in along the way, because one day my kid will be grown up and out on their own adventures.
Many people gave you advice and said loss of your personal life.
Invite your kids into your life. I like video games so I offer to play them with my son. I like movies so I find ones we can watch together. I like martial arts so when he’s old enough I’ll offer to do Jui Jitsu.
Ah I see you haven’t spent countless hours looking at the management console cost breakdown because management says “our cloud spending is too high”, to then read the highest cost is your “cost savings plan”.
Also the consent thing really sounds weird. Do you honestly go around making value judgements about when people did or did not seek your consent to this level of granularity? Why?
Again I think if the first place you go to when offered a free, meaningful and well intended gift is consent, you internally have an issue that you need to handle.