This is somewhat funny to read because if you were a JPM(chase) Private Bank client you wouldn't have any of these issues (zelle works, you can deposit checks, pull from any/all ATMs).
dropping interest rates had everything to do with it. the 10yr treasury was at 6% in 2010 and now it's at 1.15%. your TIPS did well because rates dropped. Also those are mostly paper gains unless you sell...
fyi the "all weather" portfolio's name is stupid given it's mostly backward looking and benefited from a commodities supercycle and rates dropping from QE. With the 10yr at 1% putting 30-40% of your portfolio in long dated treasuries is insane. Let's use the TLT etf as an example (20 yr treasury). It has a duration of 19 years. That means for every 1% increase increase in rates, the value of your bonds will go down 19%....yikes. Let's say you are going to buy individual bonds and hold to maturity. Ok, you are protected from that price drop assuming you don't sell, but you've also just made a 20 year bet you don't think interest rates will go higher from here.
for whatever reason different names on credit cards slip through the regulatory cracks but the name linked to a bank account will not. the AML/KYC process is more regulated. frankly i think you are being a bit unreasonable given it's not like you actually changed your first name.
agreed the sticker is a big part of it. Although I will say a super loud alarm going off will probably scare way some people and the police do eventually show up if you have monitoring. If I am away from the house for weeks on end that is nice to have.