I am 40. A promising start in life. I began programming in C at the age of nine, before the internet existed, and found it to be my passion. At twelve, I discovered that programming could be a career and pursued it academically, earning a master's degree . Despite my love for programming and the idea of working in tech, I inexplicably chose to become a teacher, a decision I now attribute to self-sabotage, perhaps fueled by autism.
Throughout my life, I have struggled immensely with completing tasks, seeking help from numerous therapists. My current therapist has diagnosed me with autism spectrum disorder, which provides some clarity. I find myself unable to tackle items on my to-do list, consistently doing everything late, annoying co-workers because of it, and pouring every ounce of my energy into attempting to sit down and work. This has been a lifelong battle, and I am exhausted from living this way. I had dreamed of transitioning to programming, but I recognize that my struggles with task completion will persist regardless of my chosen path. This will not get better. I've tried everything. I've read almost every popular work on procrastination. I understand that my worth is not equal to my work output. I've tried SSRIs, a bunch of stimulants (Adderall, Concerta, Ritalin, modafinil, Mydayis, dexedrine), and they work temporarily, but I find myself quickly falling into the same torture wheel.
I empathize with the girl in the article who wants to end her life, as I presume she also faces these kind of difficulties with task initiation. While I am not suicidal, every day feels like a recurring nightmare. I am tired. I am very tired.