Research shows the difference between emotional and informational support(psychologytoday.com)
psychologytoday.com
Research shows the difference between emotional and informational support
https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/love-cycles-fear-cycles/201807/don-t-tell-me-what-do
74 comments
Celebrating a ten year anniversary with my wife next week. I’m happy to report I have learned to change my behavior in this respect over the years. I listen now rather than do what I did before: receive input, analyze, identify issues, formulate potential solutions and offer options and resolutions. It’s actually so much more relaxing for me too.
This is all too real for me too. I have commonly made the mistake of offering solutions in response to discussion of the girlfriend's problems when in reality most of the time she isn't looking for solutions and just wants someone to listen, hear it all out, and empathize.
It's a challenging situation for an engineer's brain that defaults to problem solving mode. It's still unnatural for me to turn this mode off and listen without trying to solve. In my head I am probably still trying to solve at least a bit but not vocalizing that, at least in the moment.
It's a challenging situation for an engineer's brain that defaults to problem solving mode. It's still unnatural for me to turn this mode off and listen without trying to solve. In my head I am probably still trying to solve at least a bit but not vocalizing that, at least in the moment.
> It's a challenging situation for an engineer's brain that defaults to problem solving mode.
I couldn't agree with this more. I have struggled with this myself recently in my relationship, so I'm glad to see this article here.
I'd say it's a safe bet that a much higher percentage of people who frequent HN, compared to the general population, are in the same boat. It's the reason many of us are drawn to programming/ engineering. Emotions are of much less value to our brains/ personalities than logic. I think it will be one of the greatest hurdles for us to having a lasting, happy relationship.
I couldn't agree with this more. I have struggled with this myself recently in my relationship, so I'm glad to see this article here.
I'd say it's a safe bet that a much higher percentage of people who frequent HN, compared to the general population, are in the same boat. It's the reason many of us are drawn to programming/ engineering. Emotions are of much less value to our brains/ personalities than logic. I think it will be one of the greatest hurdles for us to having a lasting, happy relationship.
If my wife or I fail to communicate that we want emotional, rather than informational, support we just say “It’s not about the nail” and the other instantly understands.
The short video this idea is from: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg
The short video this idea is from: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg
Yeah, that skit is great! I like the idea off having a phrase, or inside joke to communicate this to each other.
What you described is offering informational support.
I the op missed a "than" in the sentence and what they mean is they only listen and do not do those other things.
i.e: "now rather <than> input"
i.e: "now rather <than> input"
Thank you, fixed it.
i believe they meant: i listen now, rather than
I find it funny that the article's conclusion is "stop giving informational support when emotional support is asked for" rather than "stop asking for emotional support when only informational support is up for offer". It's possible -- I'd dare say likely -- that those giving informational support do so because they are not as capable to give emotional support and may feel drained by it. It's a bit of a harmful conclusion to low-EQ individuals, in the same way that "people who don't like parties should be more outgoing" is harmful to introverts.
People are different and relationships are give and take. There's no "right personality" that people should be fixing themselves to match. There's only mutual understanding and compromise. Recognizing that your partner may be searching for a type of support which you are not giving is very important, but only in the greater context of also recognizing both your and your partner's abilities, and reaching a mutual understanding how to bridge that gap.
People are different and relationships are give and take. There's no "right personality" that people should be fixing themselves to match. There's only mutual understanding and compromise. Recognizing that your partner may be searching for a type of support which you are not giving is very important, but only in the greater context of also recognizing both your and your partner's abilities, and reaching a mutual understanding how to bridge that gap.
The article suggests using nonviolent communication to clarify which sort of support is needed:
> Beyond that, ask for what you want, and check with your partner about what they want. If you want your partner’s support about something, let them know whether you’re looking for understanding or advice. Don’t make them guess. Don’t wait to see what they do. Tell them what you want.
I can see that the "Default to emotional support" can seem to suggest that you must provide emotional support whenever asked, but if you can't provide emotional support (whether from low EQ or from being drained), you can't. The suggested strategy of making the request for support unambiguous allows a response along the lines of (but probably not worded this way) "I'd like to provide support, but I can't."
The distinction between "stop giving X" and "stop asking for X" is important — in the latter case, someone is asking for what they need, whether or not the need can be fulfilled, while in the former case, someone is providing X, regardless of whether it is desired.
> Beyond that, ask for what you want, and check with your partner about what they want. If you want your partner’s support about something, let them know whether you’re looking for understanding or advice. Don’t make them guess. Don’t wait to see what they do. Tell them what you want.
I can see that the "Default to emotional support" can seem to suggest that you must provide emotional support whenever asked, but if you can't provide emotional support (whether from low EQ or from being drained), you can't. The suggested strategy of making the request for support unambiguous allows a response along the lines of (but probably not worded this way) "I'd like to provide support, but I can't."
The distinction between "stop giving X" and "stop asking for X" is important — in the latter case, someone is asking for what they need, whether or not the need can be fulfilled, while in the former case, someone is providing X, regardless of whether it is desired.
Twords the end they advocate taking responsibility for getting the kind of support you need which is key:
> Don’t make them guess. Don’t wait to see what they do. Tell them what you want.
> "Honey, I’d like to vent about something. I’m not looking for advice. Could you just hear me out and try to understand?”
> Or, “Honey, I’d like to talk to you about a problem. Could you give me some advice about what you think I could do?”
Often times couples will blame the other for "not being a good listener" or "not helping" but it usually starts with not being clear about what you're wanting the other person to do. When you set your partner up for success by telling them what you're going for, they can usually be more successful.
> Don’t make them guess. Don’t wait to see what they do. Tell them what you want.
> "Honey, I’d like to vent about something. I’m not looking for advice. Could you just hear me out and try to understand?”
> Or, “Honey, I’d like to talk to you about a problem. Could you give me some advice about what you think I could do?”
Often times couples will blame the other for "not being a good listener" or "not helping" but it usually starts with not being clear about what you're wanting the other person to do. When you set your partner up for success by telling them what you're going for, they can usually be more successful.
In my experience, the real issue is a paradigm gap. The one partner honestly thinks the other should be able to divine their intent, and blames them when they cannot. Their minds are in very different places, and bridging that gap is often nearly impossible.
In other words, it is just as ineffective to tell a low-EQ person to show more support as it is to tell a high-EQ person to please make their intent clearly known. You are asking them to do something they are unwilling or unable to do, often for deeply emotional reasons.
Even the asking itself, however gently it is done, angers them, because they take it as a personal offense. In their minds, the request itself is a demonstration of a lack of support and an uncaring attitude. Of course, that's not true. The person who provides information perceives this as support, as how to show they care.
What is the solution? Simply put: patient perseverance. It can take years for a relationship to overcome this gap. But it can happen, and both parties are better off for it. But it doesn't happen often because the relationship usually breaks up beforehand.
In other words, it is just as ineffective to tell a low-EQ person to show more support as it is to tell a high-EQ person to please make their intent clearly known. You are asking them to do something they are unwilling or unable to do, often for deeply emotional reasons.
Even the asking itself, however gently it is done, angers them, because they take it as a personal offense. In their minds, the request itself is a demonstration of a lack of support and an uncaring attitude. Of course, that's not true. The person who provides information perceives this as support, as how to show they care.
What is the solution? Simply put: patient perseverance. It can take years for a relationship to overcome this gap. But it can happen, and both parties are better off for it. But it doesn't happen often because the relationship usually breaks up beforehand.
Fortunately it's quite easy to provide a compelling facsimile of emotional support. You just shut up and maybe hold the person while not obviously paying attention to something else.
How does one accomplish the same task via text message? I'm asking this sincerely. I've often found myself attempting to provide emotional support over a text conversation and it's really difficult not to feel helpless and drained by it.
There's only so much you can write "I understand. I support you. Etc." It starts to make you feel like a broken record. Trying to just listen leads to them asking "are you still there? Are you mad at me?"
There's only so much you can write "I understand. I support you. Etc." It starts to make you feel like a broken record. Trying to just listen leads to them asking "are you still there? Are you mad at me?"
Right. A lot of emotional support comes from touch and tone of voice, things you can't transmit via text. In text, your tools are limited to choosing your words and maybe emoticons (if you normally don't use them). The former is more powerful than the latter, because it takes more effort, and what one needs to communicate primarily is proof that you care.
For example, if this person is expressing doubts about their ability to do something they must, maybe you can express to them why you think they are able by describing the positive qualities you've observed in them (you've taken notice because you care about them) that sets them up to achieving it. If you also think they're unable, maybe it's still a good idea to fail to learn from the experience. You can explain how this sets them up for growth. If it's really bad to fail, maybe you can somehow help them in the task. Even if it doesn't ensure success, increasing the chances a little is often great. Presence can also be very powerful, even if you don't do anything besides being there.
Another example, if they express regret over a difficult choice they made and later saw was wrong, you can remind them that it's not fair to judge their decision after seeing the results. After all, their past self couldn't see the future, and made the best decision they could with the information they had available at the time. The best they can do is learn from it and move forward from that point.
Anyway, originality is key. Otherwise, it seems like a generic copy-and-paste response, and that's not effort.
EDIT: added to the first example.
For example, if this person is expressing doubts about their ability to do something they must, maybe you can express to them why you think they are able by describing the positive qualities you've observed in them (you've taken notice because you care about them) that sets them up to achieving it. If you also think they're unable, maybe it's still a good idea to fail to learn from the experience. You can explain how this sets them up for growth. If it's really bad to fail, maybe you can somehow help them in the task. Even if it doesn't ensure success, increasing the chances a little is often great. Presence can also be very powerful, even if you don't do anything besides being there.
Another example, if they express regret over a difficult choice they made and later saw was wrong, you can remind them that it's not fair to judge their decision after seeing the results. After all, their past self couldn't see the future, and made the best decision they could with the information they had available at the time. The best they can do is learn from it and move forward from that point.
Anyway, originality is key. Otherwise, it seems like a generic copy-and-paste response, and that's not effort.
EDIT: added to the first example.
This is a tough one that takes some real work if it happens at all regularly.
My experience with this has taught me that it can be extremely helpful to address this concern with the person asking for support, in person, and not while actively giving support. It might help to trying coming to an understand about the repetition of certain language being intentional, especially if you can communicate in advance what that language means to you. "I'm listening" has worked well for me.
My experience with this has taught me that it can be extremely helpful to address this concern with the person asking for support, in person, and not while actively giving support. It might help to trying coming to an understand about the repetition of certain language being intentional, especially if you can communicate in advance what that language means to you. "I'm listening" has worked well for me.
"Hugs!!!"
Ah, the fine line between emotional support and sociopathic support. I suspect that would be building your house on a foundation of sand.
As somebody slightly on the autistic spectrum to whom this doesn't always comes naturally, I feel learning just the right amount of fakery is the stuff that keeps relationships alive – in more ways than one.
People aren't always in the same emotional space or have different ways of experiencing or expressing those emotions, and I've learned that not every moment is the best for hammering home those differences... I suspect that if you'd tell me you have cancer, you're not exactly looking for survival rate statistics or information on operating procedures.
People aren't always in the same emotional space or have different ways of experiencing or expressing those emotions, and I've learned that not every moment is the best for hammering home those differences... I suspect that if you'd tell me you have cancer, you're not exactly looking for survival rate statistics or information on operating procedures.
> I find it funny that the article's conclusion is "stop giving informational support when emotional support is asked for" rather than "stop asking for emotional support when only informational support is up for offer".
The article does give advice on how to get better at offering emotional support. Relationship counselors can probably give better advice. I know it's harder for some people than for others, but you have to make compromises and step out of your comfort zone to maintain a relationship.
If things have reached a point where the best advice one can offer is "stop asking your partner to support you emotionally," then I don't think that relationship has a future.
The article does give advice on how to get better at offering emotional support. Relationship counselors can probably give better advice. I know it's harder for some people than for others, but you have to make compromises and step out of your comfort zone to maintain a relationship.
If things have reached a point where the best advice one can offer is "stop asking your partner to support you emotionally," then I don't think that relationship has a future.
Great post.
The world is a chaotic place. Most advice articles reach out to some (biased) average from the sum of the author's experiences. Most people want the world to conform to what they're comfortable/familiar with.
The moment a person thinks they understand how a person works, is the moment they start projecting themselves (i.e. their experiences) into/onto their interactions.
Thus, communication is the only path to sharing mutual enlightenment with another person.
The world is a chaotic place. Most advice articles reach out to some (biased) average from the sum of the author's experiences. Most people want the world to conform to what they're comfortable/familiar with.
The moment a person thinks they understand how a person works, is the moment they start projecting themselves (i.e. their experiences) into/onto their interactions.
Thus, communication is the only path to sharing mutual enlightenment with another person.
The problem of offering solutions when what is wanted is emotional support is especially easy for engineers and other problem-solvers to fall into.
This "problem" goes both ways - many people get very stressed and depressed when listening to someone just "needing to vent" and who does not want/need solutions.
I used to get stressed listening. Now I just re-frame the problem to solve as "making the other person feel better" -- this way I don't feel the urge to offer solutions.
As engineers and problem solvers, we should know how to define the problem properly.
As engineers and problem solvers, we should know how to define the problem properly.
I’m okay with just listening, I can avoid problem-solving, though it helps to be given some cue to avoid it. I have a much harder time with being expected to say something that’s not problem-solving but still somehow helpful; it’s like the problem has been handed over to me but I’m denied the tools to do something about it.
This where I tell couples "it takes a village". In a healthy working "village" there is always someone around who will compensate for weaknesses in both partners that aren't easy to fix. Modern couples have this highly misguided notion that between themselves they can work their way through complex things they aren't trained to handle. The larger their support group (parents, in laws, family, kids, friends) the better the outcomes.
Yep. My tools for handling negative emotion are those of problem solving. If someone wants me to give any emotional thought to their issues -- that is, anything more than an expressionless "that sucks" -- then it's going to involve me thinking of solutions for the problem at hand. To deny me that is to force me to struggle with a difficult emotion I can't process for hours or days.
(To be clear -- I am glad to do that, when the problem doesn't have a solution! Death of a loved one, annoying co-workers, etc.)
(To be clear -- I am glad to do that, when the problem doesn't have a solution! Death of a loved one, annoying co-workers, etc.)
Right. Using (abusing) someone as an emotional spit-bucket is certainly no more, and arguably less, considerate than offering solutions to problems.
Particularly in the "repeat" case. If the problem is so unimportant that you are not interested in solving it, then it is also not important enough for me to listen to you bitching about it.
I also find it at least odd how this constructive approach is so commonly viewed as negative, whereas wallowing in self-pity and dragging others down with you somehow as emotionally mature.
It's not. And some newer, less prejudiced research has actually shown that men's coping strategies have better outcomes in terms of psychological health.
So the advice often given to "support" people in their self-destructive behavior is actively harmful.
Particularly in the "repeat" case. If the problem is so unimportant that you are not interested in solving it, then it is also not important enough for me to listen to you bitching about it.
I also find it at least odd how this constructive approach is so commonly viewed as negative, whereas wallowing in self-pity and dragging others down with you somehow as emotionally mature.
It's not. And some newer, less prejudiced research has actually shown that men's coping strategies have better outcomes in terms of psychological health.
So the advice often given to "support" people in their self-destructive behavior is actively harmful.
Yes. This is all so obvious that I wonder why societally we have such a hard time seeing it ... i.e. what are we getting in return for the obvious willful ignorance we are engaging in.
That's a problem they can work on. Mindfulness meditation and practicing empathy have helped me.
I understand the impulse. It's very tempting. I've certainly fallen into that response many times.
And of course, sometimes the person is receptive to advice, and then it is a great feeling to offer whatever insight you can.
I understand the impulse. It's very tempting. I've certainly fallen into that response many times.
And of course, sometimes the person is receptive to advice, and then it is a great feeling to offer whatever insight you can.
You say that like the inability to be an emotional sponge is the only "problem" here. Can't mindfulness and meditation also help people who feel the need to vent about problems they aren't willing to hear solutions for?
Venting and seeking understanding from others are normal human experiences. Of course, all things can be taken too far or done excessively. A healthy balance is important.
Providing emotional support when it is reasonably needed and when one has the energy to do so seems like a valuable way to have generally beneficial interactions with other people.
Some naturally have more energy for this than others. But it is a skill than can be worked on like any other. And also, as one better understands the value of this type of support, it becomes more rewarding and easier to provide it.
Providing emotional support when it is reasonably needed and when one has the energy to do so seems like a valuable way to have generally beneficial interactions with other people.
Some naturally have more energy for this than others. But it is a skill than can be worked on like any other. And also, as one better understands the value of this type of support, it becomes more rewarding and easier to provide it.
[deleted]
You're ignoring that the solution is to listen and absorb and not offer some way to 'fix' the issue.
It seems like a solution-oriented individual should feel comfortable offering that solution.
It seems like a solution-oriented individual should feel comfortable offering that solution.
Or the "solution" is for people who have issues but don't want help fixing them not to vent to people who don't have the patience for that. Listening to woe -- especially woe stemming from problems with easy solutions -- is emotionally draining.
Like the GP said, it's a two-way street. Understand your friends and loved ones and compromise.
Like the GP said, it's a two-way street. Understand your friends and loved ones and compromise.
Again I think you're ignoring the actual solution.
Relationships are not 50/50 compromises. They're a dance of compromises in favor of one party or another at different times. You've got to decide as an individual if the balance is acceptable and I can't say that you seem very giving from your posts.
Again, that's a choice and your right but don't expect reality to conform to your desires because it rarely will.
Relationships are not 50/50 compromises. They're a dance of compromises in favor of one party or another at different times. You've got to decide as an individual if the balance is acceptable and I can't say that you seem very giving from your posts.
Again, that's a choice and your right but don't expect reality to conform to your desires because it rarely will.
And I could say the same for your posts, which posit a single problem and solution ("the actual solution" -- lol!) as if that is what they are. I'm the one who pointed out the ridiculousness of favoring one personality by default and suggested that compromise and understanding your partner is the name of the game -- and you dare say I'm unaccommodating?
Exactly as you said, relationships are a complex negotiation. Claiming that inability to simply sit and listen to solvable troubles is "the problem" is unhelpful. It is SOMETIMES the problem -- probably more often than not -- but sometimes people just whine too much and are too full of themselves to accept much needed help and it's unhelpful to blame the listener for not wanting to sit through that emotionally draining experience every day of their life.
Exactly as you said, relationships are a complex negotiation. Claiming that inability to simply sit and listen to solvable troubles is "the problem" is unhelpful. It is SOMETIMES the problem -- probably more often than not -- but sometimes people just whine too much and are too full of themselves to accept much needed help and it's unhelpful to blame the listener for not wanting to sit through that emotionally draining experience every day of their life.
It sounds like you are talking about people who have significant issues regulating their emotions. I definitely agree those situations are much more difficult. Sometimes, if possible, the winning move is to not play.
Perhaps you could have explicitly stated your context in the beginning, as it seems most others were assuming two relatively well-adjusted individuals.
Perhaps you could have explicitly stated your context in the beginning, as it seems most others were assuming two relatively well-adjusted individuals.
Yes, sorry, I should have made that clear. I'm the "informational" type and learned long ago to just listen to complaints, especially from casual acquaintances. But I've also met my fair share of people who willingly dump some pretty serious issues on me -- issues that are within their power, if not their will, to fix -- and my inability to be the emotional sponge these individuals seek is emphatically not a problem with me, or with anyone else in that situation.
In a lot of cases the person complaining is usually a loved one.
So is the person one is complaining to.
If the person you habitually complain to consistently offers informational rather than emotional support, it's likely that they do so because they lack the capacity to simply absorb your emotional outporing. Consider that, regardless of how much they care for you, they may not be capable of significantly developing this ability. If that is the case, the advice the article offers is unhelpful, and the relationship would be better served by the complainer finding another outlet for their emotional stress, or learning to accept well-intentioned advice.
If the person you habitually complain to consistently offers informational rather than emotional support, it's likely that they do so because they lack the capacity to simply absorb your emotional outporing. Consider that, regardless of how much they care for you, they may not be capable of significantly developing this ability. If that is the case, the advice the article offers is unhelpful, and the relationship would be better served by the complainer finding another outlet for their emotional stress, or learning to accept well-intentioned advice.
I'm solidly in the camp of "change what you can and accept what you can't." I don't want moaning about things that I can't change.
And perhaps you're ignoring that some people give emotional support by analyzing and offering some way to fix the issue? Many people when they don't care, they wouldn't bother trying.
[deleted]
Pretty sure 'problem solvers and engineers' is not quite the correct category of people who run into this.
It really helped me understand this article to follow the link describing what the author means by "Emotional Support": https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/basics/empathy
Basically, emotional support is "understanding another person's thoughts, feelings, and condition from their point of view, rather than from your own"
Basically, emotional support is "understanding another person's thoughts, feelings, and condition from their point of view, rather than from your own"
That link is just a description of empathy. My problem-solving tendencies come from my understanding the other person’s feelings, how does one demonstrate that understanding in only an “emotional support” way?
Try not to posite a solution.
Listen, don’t speak over them.
Acknowledge, respond in a way which indicated that you empathise with their emotional state, often by mirroring language, tone, words, body language etc.
Guide, ask questions that indicate that you’re open to hearing more about their issues, sometimes worth a “It’s ok if you don’t want to say but, what happened...”
Thank them for sharing with you.
Done.
Listen, don’t speak over them.
Acknowledge, respond in a way which indicated that you empathise with their emotional state, often by mirroring language, tone, words, body language etc.
Guide, ask questions that indicate that you’re open to hearing more about their issues, sometimes worth a “It’s ok if you don’t want to say but, what happened...”
Thank them for sharing with you.
Done.
> Try not to posite a solution. Listen, don’t speak over them.
I got that, I can do that with conscious effort.
> often by mirroring language, tone, words, body language etc.
I can avoid using my words for things instead of theirs, especially minimizing ones like “hassle” or “inconvenience”, I can avoid closed-off body language like crossing my arms and maybe keep my voice in a different register for a little while but beyond that it come off as an attempt at mimicking, not helpful.
> Guide, ask questions that indicate that you’re open to hearing more about their issues, sometimes worth a “It’s ok if you don’t want to say but, what happened...” Thank them for sharing with you.
That sounds like an example for someone you don’t actually know very well.
> Done.
Until tomorrow.
I got that, I can do that with conscious effort.
> often by mirroring language, tone, words, body language etc.
I can avoid using my words for things instead of theirs, especially minimizing ones like “hassle” or “inconvenience”, I can avoid closed-off body language like crossing my arms and maybe keep my voice in a different register for a little while but beyond that it come off as an attempt at mimicking, not helpful.
> Guide, ask questions that indicate that you’re open to hearing more about their issues, sometimes worth a “It’s ok if you don’t want to say but, what happened...” Thank them for sharing with you.
That sounds like an example for someone you don’t actually know very well.
> Done.
Until tomorrow.
My two cents is to practice what was described in the post above, and then do a personal postmortem analysis after-the-fact of how you did.
Also to try and adopt an observational, almost anthropological attitude when interacting with other people. Observe their behavior, observe how it makes you feel, what your body language is, and then observe their responses to your own words and changes in behavior / body language.
Like any skill it takes practice. And just because a skill comes harder to some than others doesn’t mean it can’t be meaningfully improves through practice.
Also to try and adopt an observational, almost anthropological attitude when interacting with other people. Observe their behavior, observe how it makes you feel, what your body language is, and then observe their responses to your own words and changes in behavior / body language.
Like any skill it takes practice. And just because a skill comes harder to some than others doesn’t mean it can’t be meaningfully improves through practice.
> That sounds like an example for someone you don’t actually know very well.
Not if the reason is you or something you are related too / feel strongly about.
Sometimes people aren’t ready / comfortable to talk about things, even when you’ve been in a relationship for years. Giving them permission to avoid it avoids a point of contention whih could lead to yours and their frustration.
Not if the reason is you or something you are related too / feel strongly about.
Sometimes people aren’t ready / comfortable to talk about things, even when you’ve been in a relationship for years. Giving them permission to avoid it avoids a point of contention whih could lead to yours and their frustration.
Remembers me what happens when I have patience to talk a minute with a beggar. Ask where he comes from, this kind of chit-chat. The initial money request is often forgotten. People really want to be noted, acknowledged they exist, and heard. Food for the soul is almost more important than physical food.
A guy who was homeless for 25 years in Australia (and who recently wrote a book about his experiences) agrees very strongly with what you're saying:
> I was recently asked by someone what they should do when they come across a homeless person. My response to this question is quite simple. Maybe you cannot make a difference to that person’s circumstance, but you can make a difference to how you see them. Many are hurting with the shame and stigma of being homeless. Don’t pretend they don’t exist: they are people too. [1]
[1] https://www.theguardian.com/books/2018/jun/25/after-25-years...
> I was recently asked by someone what they should do when they come across a homeless person. My response to this question is quite simple. Maybe you cannot make a difference to that person’s circumstance, but you can make a difference to how you see them. Many are hurting with the shame and stigma of being homeless. Don’t pretend they don’t exist: they are people too. [1]
[1] https://www.theguardian.com/books/2018/jun/25/after-25-years...
Every time this subject comes up I can't help but feel like society does a somewhat reasonable job of identifying and discouraging negative masculine behavior but doesn't do the same for negative feminine behavior. Why is the feminine personality position assumed to be the "correct" one that everyone must adjust to? Sure, everyone is entitled to a little whining time, and hopefully your partner is empathetic when the need arises, but perhaps it would be better if we discouraged whining in favor of solutioning.
I agree with this. Some amount of emotional venting is completely healthy but when it gets to the point where someone is unable to deal with any negative emotions on their own, and must rely on other people for support for even the smallest day-to-day mishap, that's their problem, not everyone else's.
And, like what you said, sometimes the solution really is more important than the emotions. This is especially true for the small things, which are the bulk of what we face every day anyway.
And, like what you said, sometimes the solution really is more important than the emotions. This is especially true for the small things, which are the bulk of what we face every day anyway.
Listening is like walking alongside someone, whereas informing is like walking in front of someone. Ultimately life itself is a "problem" that has no destination, it's just nicer to know we're in it together.
It sounds stupid but I first learned this concept from the movie "White Men Can't Jump" in 1992 when I was just a kid. I don't accept the idea as a hard rule but I do think it's a valuable perspective to understand.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ajBHZKoKYbU
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ajBHZKoKYbU
From my experience this is a foundational idea in a marriage / coupling. Took me many years to realise there were two forms of support and more importantly that my response was always solutional.
I am now able to sit and listen without offering answers.
I am now able to sit and listen without offering answers.
Same here, also took years to understand that my wife just want to be listened to and not given solutions every 5 sec. Happy wife = happy life!
Jason Headley made a very entertaining video on the topic: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg
Interesting, they found men also prefer emotional support. It’s just that informational support is better than no support for them while not a subset of women who really dislike informational support.
Isn't it principle instead of principal? Or does principal have somekind of meaning similar to priniciple?
Non-native English speaker here.
Non-native English speaker here.
I feel like study lacks the overall effect on happiness in the long run. We all know short term effects from the personal experience.
I'm very interested with the finding, but what is emotional support exactly? Can anyone give concrete example?
This article is supporting me informationally and not emotionally. Hypocrites!
My real world experience is that, if a person has had to wait for that article to get its lessons, then from lack of those lessons and many more that are much more subtle, they probably got divorced soon after marriage or never got married!!!!
This interesting study provides strong evidence, it's much easier to support a partner in context of a positive event than in context of a negative event. Context appears to play an even more important role than responsiveness or sensitivity of the person giving support. In fact, even if a partner recognizes that he or she received helpful support for a negative event shortly after the event occurred, by several weeks later the support is not generally remembered as positive.
If you want to support your partner in a helpful way, make sure you're supporting them when good things happen, and don't count on rescuing someone when things go wrong.