Ask HN: My brain is telling me to quit everything. What should I do?
20 comments
Here's my thoughts:
1. Don't leave a family that loves you just because you feel like you're failing them. None of us are perfect parents or spouses. Do spend a little time with each of them every day doing whatever they want. Maintaining relationships is just about giving time, it's not about anything else.
2. Take a little Aderall (or whatever weak ADHD med does something for you) in the morning and drop all the other substances. Weed seems helpful at the start, but all the people I know who have done weed long-term are ruined in the end. It takes a few months to get over things like weed, and those aren't fun months. Drink some grapefruit juice, chew on a toothbrush, get some baoding balls.
3. I like the other comment about your nutrition. Focus on gut-healthy foods for a while, and get some fresh-ground grains. Some families have food-habits that affect their mental state, yet they don't realize this because they grew up with it, etc.
4. Consider just doing a part-time job. (Maybe your wife can do a part-time or full-time job too?) Your family can understand that you need a lot of change, and that you can't focus 8+ hours per day. Help your neighbors and church family and community during your off hours.
5. You can express your fears and anxieties to those around you. They'll learn to accept that. Don't be a false you.
6. For non-programming jobs: you can be a software tester. It's boring for most people, but it's not as intense as programming, and it's generally available in part-time. Scripting skills can also apply to that. I'm guessing that your anxiety makes sales work difficult? Doing customer presentations is difficult? Do you have an interest in something more physical? Maybe auto mechanic work? Maybe electrical wiring in houses?
1. Don't leave a family that loves you just because you feel like you're failing them. None of us are perfect parents or spouses. Do spend a little time with each of them every day doing whatever they want. Maintaining relationships is just about giving time, it's not about anything else.
2. Take a little Aderall (or whatever weak ADHD med does something for you) in the morning and drop all the other substances. Weed seems helpful at the start, but all the people I know who have done weed long-term are ruined in the end. It takes a few months to get over things like weed, and those aren't fun months. Drink some grapefruit juice, chew on a toothbrush, get some baoding balls.
3. I like the other comment about your nutrition. Focus on gut-healthy foods for a while, and get some fresh-ground grains. Some families have food-habits that affect their mental state, yet they don't realize this because they grew up with it, etc.
4. Consider just doing a part-time job. (Maybe your wife can do a part-time or full-time job too?) Your family can understand that you need a lot of change, and that you can't focus 8+ hours per day. Help your neighbors and church family and community during your off hours.
5. You can express your fears and anxieties to those around you. They'll learn to accept that. Don't be a false you.
6. For non-programming jobs: you can be a software tester. It's boring for most people, but it's not as intense as programming, and it's generally available in part-time. Scripting skills can also apply to that. I'm guessing that your anxiety makes sales work difficult? Doing customer presentations is difficult? Do you have an interest in something more physical? Maybe auto mechanic work? Maybe electrical wiring in houses?
I'd consider speaking with a professional therapist, if you aren't already. You may just need an objective view and a chance to talk out everything on your mind for a while.
Do you see a psychologist and doctor to help you with this (can you afford them?). I think this needs professional help (I am not saying that in a negative way, but I think you need the best help possible). The problem with doctors and psychologists in general is it a lottery and you might have to try different ones to find the ones that take you seriously and don't just shove a drug at you to try (unless they have a really good reason to and they have understood your issues).
So, assuming you don't have a great team, what you could do with is a good friend/family member to advocate for you while you navigate this to get the best help.
You probably also need money to do this, as few countries will provide this for free. Or if they do there will be waitlists. Hopefully you can afford it or someone can help you there, or your advocate can find free resources that are good for you.
What happened to you in childhood/school is not OK, but it is sermountable.
Hope it goes well. Good luck!
So, assuming you don't have a great team, what you could do with is a good friend/family member to advocate for you while you navigate this to get the best help.
You probably also need money to do this, as few countries will provide this for free. Or if they do there will be waitlists. Hopefully you can afford it or someone can help you there, or your advocate can find free resources that are good for you.
What happened to you in childhood/school is not OK, but it is sermountable.
Hope it goes well. Good luck!
Are you me? Hah. I identify with your situation quite a lot. From exhibiting ADHD type symptoms, to self-medicating, to entering tech, to being unable to hold a job.
Quitting weed didn't help me. I stopped for 2 months. I'm not off weed, but I don't rely on it nearly as much. When I smoked, I thought I could be my authentic self and care less about what others think of me. Weed helped with this 30% of the time. The other 70% of the time weed made me closed off, paranoid, and sometimes just weird. But I latched on to the good times to tell myself that it was helpful.
My only suggestion: find a good therapist and start this journey now (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/). I thought I had ADHD. I thought I had an addiction to weed. I thought I was in the right career. After a very public firing, and going into my 30s, I knew something had to change. Your situation may be completely different - I have no idea, this is just my exp.
Now, I'm on a different path. I'm working towards a career pivot. I'm doing things that are completely different from my prev career. I enjoy it. I don't know where I'm going exactly, which is terrifying, but....... it's fine.
Consider this next chapter as a series of small experiments to tease out who you really are.
And for God's sakes, don't throw away your relationship with your Wife. Like you, I have no idea why my partner stuck with me. They has been my strongest support.
Quitting weed didn't help me. I stopped for 2 months. I'm not off weed, but I don't rely on it nearly as much. When I smoked, I thought I could be my authentic self and care less about what others think of me. Weed helped with this 30% of the time. The other 70% of the time weed made me closed off, paranoid, and sometimes just weird. But I latched on to the good times to tell myself that it was helpful.
My only suggestion: find a good therapist and start this journey now (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/). I thought I had ADHD. I thought I had an addiction to weed. I thought I was in the right career. After a very public firing, and going into my 30s, I knew something had to change. Your situation may be completely different - I have no idea, this is just my exp.
Now, I'm on a different path. I'm working towards a career pivot. I'm doing things that are completely different from my prev career. I enjoy it. I don't know where I'm going exactly, which is terrifying, but....... it's fine.
Consider this next chapter as a series of small experiments to tease out who you really are.
And for God's sakes, don't throw away your relationship with your Wife. Like you, I have no idea why my partner stuck with me. They has been my strongest support.
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Your problem is low serotonin and historically you have been self-medicating. Don’t do that because it doesn’t work.
The best treatment is a balanced natural diet and natural environmental stimulus. Serotonin is produced from a critical amino acid that must be consumed from food.
Natural stimulus forces productive engagement that you cannot generate on your own, focused acute serotonin receptivity in the brain, even with stellar initiative. For example be responsible for something real like pets, subordinate human careers, challenging projects with goals, and so forth.
In my case as a dumb Army guy I am so much more alive when I am engaging with other soldiers in a managerial capacity and advisor. It does a complete 180 for any depressive mood I may have even though I am hyper introverted and find socializing exhausting.
I recommend visiting with your doctor for evaluation. Extremely low serotonin uptake in the brain is the medical commonality between ADHD and manic depression.
The best treatment is a balanced natural diet and natural environmental stimulus. Serotonin is produced from a critical amino acid that must be consumed from food.
Natural stimulus forces productive engagement that you cannot generate on your own, focused acute serotonin receptivity in the brain, even with stellar initiative. For example be responsible for something real like pets, subordinate human careers, challenging projects with goals, and so forth.
In my case as a dumb Army guy I am so much more alive when I am engaging with other soldiers in a managerial capacity and advisor. It does a complete 180 for any depressive mood I may have even though I am hyper introverted and find socializing exhausting.
I recommend visiting with your doctor for evaluation. Extremely low serotonin uptake in the brain is the medical commonality between ADHD and manic depression.
So why can’t you just smoke weed after work? Or do you need it all day long?
There are these things called Golden Teachers that can give you a great reset on life. You have a lot of trauma and you need to heal yourself through it. assuming you don’t have a family history of schizophrenia you may want to consider finding the golden teachers
Get off the meds and do it cold turkey. Taking that garbage is the worst thing you could ever do to yourself because it literally numbs you to the point where you can’t properly process sensory experiences.
I once hit a really bad low point in my life and started taking SSRIs, it only took me 3 months (about the time they start to work) to “nope the fuck out” of that experience. It’s horrible and will mess with your mind.
My advice is for you to learn meditation and how to calm down. It is extremely hard with a racy mind but believe me - you will notice progress and you will feel extremely good about learning how to shut your mind up. It will create a lot of space in your life to address your problems in a realistic way.
And things like emotional intelligence will be a nice side-benefit.
Being mature and having a strong character is not a given, you have to develop these skills on your own.
Find ways to get all this confusion and procrastination out of your system: write, talk to people, climb a mountain.
Failed? Not a problem. As long as you keep trying, you will eventually change things. Giving up is easy but it sure as shit is not satisfying.
I once hit a really bad low point in my life and started taking SSRIs, it only took me 3 months (about the time they start to work) to “nope the fuck out” of that experience. It’s horrible and will mess with your mind.
My advice is for you to learn meditation and how to calm down. It is extremely hard with a racy mind but believe me - you will notice progress and you will feel extremely good about learning how to shut your mind up. It will create a lot of space in your life to address your problems in a realistic way.
And things like emotional intelligence will be a nice side-benefit.
Being mature and having a strong character is not a given, you have to develop these skills on your own.
Find ways to get all this confusion and procrastination out of your system: write, talk to people, climb a mountain.
Failed? Not a problem. As long as you keep trying, you will eventually change things. Giving up is easy but it sure as shit is not satisfying.
Please don't take medical advice from HN. Going off tons of meds cold turkey is the worst advice I've ever heard. Especially SSRIs. Talk to your doctor, and ask about getting off the meds if they aren't working for you.
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No!
Whatever you do, do not go cold turkey on you anti-depressants. The withdrawal can kill you.
Also, everyone reacts differently to each SSRI and it takes time for them to settle in. You may have had one that didn’t jive with you, but that doesn’t mean a different one wouldn’t jive.
Whatever you do, do not go cold turkey on you anti-depressants. The withdrawal can kill you.
Also, everyone reacts differently to each SSRI and it takes time for them to settle in. You may have had one that didn’t jive with you, but that doesn’t mean a different one wouldn’t jive.
I am considering it because I'm not noticing a lot of benefit. Wellbutrin helped me with quitting weed and the withdrawals, and also my depression a bit, in allowing me to do things more.
Lexapro ... I'm not seeing any benefit at all.
ADHD meds just seem to make me super anxious.
I also struggle with irritability / short-fuse type problems which manifests itself in a lot of different ways.
====== I'm seriously considering quitting all of them but also super afraid cause I don't know what I will experience. ======
On the other hand the ADHD fucking destroys me because if I have some kind of task that I am uncomfortable doing or that gives me anxiety, it's the only thing I could focus on.
It was only when I started working out that I realized what it means to do something well. I became super fit and could do some ridiculous shit. But I never had that drive for Technology or Programming.
I would really like to Write but who the hell can maintain a family with a salary like that.
Lexapro ... I'm not seeing any benefit at all.
ADHD meds just seem to make me super anxious.
I also struggle with irritability / short-fuse type problems which manifests itself in a lot of different ways.
====== I'm seriously considering quitting all of them but also super afraid cause I don't know what I will experience. ======
On the other hand the ADHD fucking destroys me because if I have some kind of task that I am uncomfortable doing or that gives me anxiety, it's the only thing I could focus on.
It was only when I started working out that I realized what it means to do something well. I became super fit and could do some ridiculous shit. But I never had that drive for Technology or Programming.
I would really like to Write but who the hell can maintain a family with a salary like that.
I had to try two antidepressants before one worked right, and it works amazingly. My anxiety is just gone. I went off it for a few years cause I was doing so well, and ending up having a breakdown, went back on it, all good again...
Do not go cold turkey from SSRIS (lexapro is one) The whiplash effect could kill you. Seriously. If you decide to quit tell your doctor and they will safely ween you.
Consider that the ADHD meds might behave differently without the antidepressants.
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Despite all your troubles you’ve been blessed with a family and kids.
It’s a great gift and the most valuable thing in your life whatever else you accomplish.
And you already have it, right there. This is how god loves you. Don’t turn away his gifts, he can change the attitude. Cherish it, enjoy it, it will not last forever.
Get your shit together and just fight through.
Seek for people, real people who can help, there are plenty of them (including decent psychiatrists who don’t just rip and drug you off).
It’s a great gift and the most valuable thing in your life whatever else you accomplish.
And you already have it, right there. This is how god loves you. Don’t turn away his gifts, he can change the attitude. Cherish it, enjoy it, it will not last forever.
Get your shit together and just fight through.
Seek for people, real people who can help, there are plenty of them (including decent psychiatrists who don’t just rip and drug you off).
I don’t have any solutions but I offer my empathy. It sounds like you’re going through a really hard time and have gone through a lot. I feel for you. I really hope you find a safe path through it. Please lean on your family and friends, they will be happy to help and they really can help. Good luck, I have faith that you can find a positive way forward.
This pushed me to get good grades at all costs and it lead me to creative ways of doing that. I was on the 3rd grade while reading a lesson about the Earth and Nature and it took me a whole Sunday to just read one page. I didn't know it then, but I do know now, I had ADHD (inattentive type). Needless to say, it took me way longer to get anything done in comparison with my peers. Though, all the way up to the end of high school, I earned a 4.0. All of this I accomplished through relentless dedication to school work.
It was at the time when I got a scholarship to study in the States. The first two years, I did ok, cause the classes weren't that bad. But in the subsequent two years when things got hectic, I broke down. I started smoking weed, and for the first time in my life, I thought that I was myself.
I also suffer from depression and anxiety, so weed helped me with these things as well. My emotional intelligence is super low, so I didn't lose much by not having friends. I got really into working out, and became generally happier.
Though I realized that I had to smoke weed all the time in order to feel good, otherwise I was a mess. And I noticed that my Executive Brain function improved a lot. I made choices that were good for me, instead of making difficult choices.
It became so bad that I really hated the ME that was surfacing every time I quit weed. So weed gave me satisfaction in life and I was able to finally be able to enjoy things and waking up in the morning and going for a walk or a swim or a tan or a game. But my career and my school work took a major turn.
Weed does not allow me to do any type of work, but quitting it was no option at the time. I took a Programming Support role, despite having a Masters Degree from a Reputable CS lab in a top university. Weed made me really good at bullshitting, so I managed to get by, and find better jobs consistently.
Though, I always opted for non-leetcode type interviews so that I could bullshit through them.
I'm now off weed, but on many anti-depressants and ADHD meds, but I honestly do not feel any better. I got fired from my last job due to underperforming. My state of mind is ok, but I hate myself so much and my brain for being the way it is. I absolutely despise software engineering as well and grinding through leetcode is a nightmare.
I wake up with dread every single morning and I try to do Leetcode. I don't like any part of it. Nor am I interested in the field. I just did it so I could get paid.
I have a beautiful family that I love. But I feel unable to withstand my sober self. My mind is telling me to go to a warm place, by myself, transfer all my wealth to my wife's account and be away.
I do not posses the ability to maintain relationships, my wife stuck by me for all this time and I don't know why. I really don't want my kids to even see me because I bring a really bad vibe. My mind is always scared and depressed and I don't want them to see me that way.
I got arrested and got bullied in high school and got laid of multiple times from jobs due to my behavior. I don't have any kind of accountability for my actions as my brain does things however it wants. It cannot think and reason and I have suffered from this my entire life.
Only weed made me make conscious choices, but it prevented me from having a job. And it also made my relationship with my wife terrible because she wasn't supportive of it.
I don't know what I want from this post I'm just ranting I suppose. But if I could find some kind of thing that I could do and it wouldn't involve programming I would be so happy to pursue it.