Why Some Men Struggle to Keep Up with Friendships(theatlantic.com)
theatlantic.com
Why Some Men Struggle to Keep Up with Friendships
https://www.theatlantic.com/newsletters/2026/03/an-unlikely-model-for-male-friendship/686496/
37 comments
Yup, sounds very familiar.
The problem isn't time. Most men never learned to maintain friendships without a shared context like school or work holding it together. When that scaffolding disappears, so do the friendships.
any suggestions how to do that?
Selfless effort. Be willing to ask for help with something, anything, even if you don't need it.
I can cut down a tree. But it's fun with friends.
I can do bad home renno but it's an in to keeping up with friends with a quick photo of the latest win/fail on signal /whatever floats your boat.
Because they're friends they might just say yes.
It's OK to ask them how they're going. Sometimes they will reply sometimes not and that's OK too.
I can cut down a tree. But it's fun with friends.
I can do bad home renno but it's an in to keeping up with friends with a quick photo of the latest win/fail on signal /whatever floats your boat.
Because they're friends they might just say yes.
It's OK to ask them how they're going. Sometimes they will reply sometimes not and that's OK too.
> It's OK to ask them how they're going
The point of enlightenment is when you realise they never ask you that.
The point of enlightenment is when you realise they never ask you that.
Yeah, how do you deal with that?
Further enlightenment that never isn't the only answer even if it feels that way. People change and new friends can be made.
It helps to know who you are, what you want, and what you can do about it.
It helps to know who you are, what you want, and what you can do about it.
i try to keep tabs on restaurants opening around me, and if one has something interesting, i text pretty much every friend i have if they want to check it out with me
only a few respond each time, and only about half the time one or two can make it out, but over time eventually all of them do
only a few respond each time, and only about half the time one or two can make it out, but over time eventually all of them do
d&d, bowling league, discord.
I never had any trouble keeping up with friendships, but I do have trouble making new friends
This has become a problem as I'm getting older and have lost friends over the years, but not replaced them
I think that's the core of it for many people. We lose or become distanced from friends over time for all sorts of reasons. People move, get married, have kids, or maybe you just grow apart. It happens. But if you don't replace those connections then you eventually wind up with none
This has become a problem as I'm getting older and have lost friends over the years, but not replaced them
I think that's the core of it for many people. We lose or become distanced from friends over time for all sorts of reasons. People move, get married, have kids, or maybe you just grow apart. It happens. But if you don't replace those connections then you eventually wind up with none
It's really hard to discuss this without making overly broad statements.
For my personal expense, I have found a lot of men view other men as competitors to be guarded against. You can't begin to work with the building blocks of trust and communication without getting past that first barrier. So we often just stop at the gate.
For my personal expense, I have found a lot of men view other men as competitors to be guarded against. You can't begin to work with the building blocks of trust and communication without getting past that first barrier. So we often just stop at the gate.
Is this something ai can fix?
I imagine this comment being satirical but, given the audience, also not.
Sure: pay your monthly subscription fee, and it keeps being your friend.
I don't have time for that. I'd rather pay the subscription fee so that the AI will be friends with other people on my behalf, thus freeing me up to grind, gym, and golf.
I thought the three Gs were gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss?
There’s actually already an app for that, and I’m not even joking.
edit: I was going to link a specific one I found a few weeks ago, but it turns out there are tons of them now, so I’ll just explain the idea. Most of these apps are basically reminder tools disguised as simple little games. A common example is a flower garden. Each “flower” represents a friend, and you keep the flower alive by staying in touch. That might mean sending a message or planning a hangout. If you don’t, the flower wilts, just like a real one would without care.
edit: I was going to link a specific one I found a few weeks ago, but it turns out there are tons of them now, so I’ll just explain the idea. Most of these apps are basically reminder tools disguised as simple little games. A common example is a flower garden. Each “flower” represents a friend, and you keep the flower alive by staying in touch. That might mean sending a message or planning a hangout. If you don’t, the flower wilts, just like a real one would without care.
I love how you responded to today’s tech fatigue with “last week’s” tech fatigue slogan lol
please share.
> By Isabel Fattal
---
“What you see at fight club is a generation of men raised by women.”
― Fight Club
---
“What you see at fight club is a generation of men raised by women.”
― Fight Club
I think inadvertently found some insight on this. I’m typical and have failed to maintain friends over the years. As an old dad who’s spent a lot of time at kids parties talking to men; men just aren’t that pleasant to talk to. Best case is we’re opinionated, myopic, closed off. Worst case ignorant and obnoxious.
There's an element of competitiveness, too. I worked in a hotel, mostly with women. My supervisor, a woman in her 60s, praised me and the other male workers, saying that the women were jealous, rivalrous, and always fighting amongst each other. "Men are easy!"
Meanwhile, I had no problem working with any of the women (although it's true, they were cruel among themselves), but when I had to interact with men in other departments, it felt like some macho standoff. It's like when you go to shake a guy's hand, and he pulls your arm and crushes your hand, but baked into every interaction.
Meanwhile, I had no problem working with any of the women (although it's true, they were cruel among themselves), but when I had to interact with men in other departments, it felt like some macho standoff. It's like when you go to shake a guy's hand, and he pulls your arm and crushes your hand, but baked into every interaction.
I think I agree.
I am lucky not to have friendship struggles; I have a vibrant social circle with close male and female friends. I talk with my male friends more often, but the conversations are not very meaningful. For most of them, it is hard to break through and have talks that require vulnerability. I don't know why.
In contrast, my close female friends are great in this regard. They are open, empathetic, and kind. The conversations I have with them often leave me feeling a stronger connection. They are far more substantive.
And yes, some of my male friends are ignorant and hold (IMO) ugly opinions.
I am lucky not to have friendship struggles; I have a vibrant social circle with close male and female friends. I talk with my male friends more often, but the conversations are not very meaningful. For most of them, it is hard to break through and have talks that require vulnerability. I don't know why.
In contrast, my close female friends are great in this regard. They are open, empathetic, and kind. The conversations I have with them often leave me feeling a stronger connection. They are far more substantive.
And yes, some of my male friends are ignorant and hold (IMO) ugly opinions.
Since I've had kids and moved cities, I have basically zero friends. I have a two friends about 40 minutes away but we're all too busy with kids and work to meet up more than really once a year. Having young kids really changes your social life in a way I wasn't entirely prepared for. I have no time left for anything other than family and work.
You don't need to see them to maintain a friendship, no? One of my friends moved a couple hours away and has two kids under the age of four. We still talk regularly, both text and video calls. He comes back to the city a few times a year for work and we grab beers when he does.
We have a free Slack workspace where a few of us keep in touch and share things. It's pretty active.
We have a free Slack workspace where a few of us keep in touch and share things. It's pretty active.
We still text frequently, but it really just isn't the same level of connection. It's really hard for me to make time to socialize in person when kids and work are so demanding and all consuming. Hoping once both kids are in elementary school we get some breathing room back.
do you participate in activities with your kids? do your kids have friends? most of my friends now are other dads who i’ve met through school activities etc, and we take our kids to do things together or just hang out at each others houses while the kids play
My kids are 3 and 5 so right now the only activity we do is swimming lessons which are done in a group setting, but aren't really a team sport and the kids/parents in the class change constantly due to scheduling etc. I'm thinking next year once the oldest is 6 we will put her in some team sports.
My oldest has made a few friends in kindergarten, but so far we haven't really hung out with those kids/parents outside of a few birthday parties.
My oldest has made a few friends in kindergarten, but so far we haven't really hung out with those kids/parents outside of a few birthday parties.
kindergarten/ preschool is the best time to forge these new relationships
lots of parents are in the same boat as you and more willing to get together as they may not have an established group yet , as the kids get older the social groups are already established and harder to break into
lots of parents are in the same boat as you and more willing to get together as they may not have an established group yet , as the kids get older the social groups are already established and harder to break into
Recently I came across a good blog post about friendship maintenance, it's worth reading https://www.avabear.xyz/p/friendship-maintenance
I just gave up. its not worth it.
I have my wife, my kids and some people i work with. I dont care any more.
I have my wife, my kids and some people i work with. I dont care any more.
part of the problem is mind reading technologies
paywall.
At first I didn’t think much of it, but over time it started to feel one-sided. What really made me stop and think was when they forgot my birthday. Not a huge deal by itself, but it made me notice the patern, that I was putting in way more than I was getting back.
So I slowly pulled back. stopped organizing, stopped trying to keep things going. No drama, just less involvement. And, honestly, I feel a lot better now. Less drained, less frustrated, more at ease overall.
Not sure what to think of it, from one standpoint I basically decided to cut connection with a group of people I was spending my time with for the last ~10 years, from another I decided to keep my energy and focus on myself. These days I mostly hang out with my fiancee and her friends, but in a much more low-key way.