That might have been the promise but never the real value. As you say in practice the engineer needs to know ops & terraform along side their language of choice.
The real value of cdktf was more dynamic infrastructure provisioning while still having the plan / apply pattern.
Make some radical changes in your life to course correct. A lot of people where are giving you coping mechanisms, ie exercise, no drugs, etc. All good but the problem still exists; you hate doing what you are doing. Don't learn to deal with the current situation, or you will further erode your confidence to do something else.
Maybe you can get a job doing what you like, but even switching employers to do something you don't really care for will still be a step in the right direction. As you will exercise your change muscle.
The real value of cdktf was more dynamic infrastructure provisioning while still having the plan / apply pattern.