If you truly had a week of above average days, by the end of it you'd probably be threatening to put the local KGB recruiter's head through a Starbucks window.
(Maybe be happy if they do a little art thing in your cortado rather than overanalyze. every. little. thing.)
Dear Doctor so and so. Hi, it's me, your old coauthor. Something something science. (And then... here's the hard part: don't attach a photo of your genitals... just a PDF of your CV).
LinkedIn is bad opsec, use the IM feature to take things offline.
Just before Mike Nelson shit himself in the car on the way home last night, I pointed out to him that what his generation calls "Easter Eggs" are often just security flaws that can be used to fingerprint the internet traffic of dissidents, and that his cavalier attitude towards data privacy is why they had to close the Russian Consultate in Seattle.
(Or maybe the above is creative nonfiction, and your hands deserve to shake if you make this poster explain the joke.)