Why it’s so hard to say what you mean(ammarmian.substack.com)
ammarmian.substack.com
Why it’s so hard to say what you mean
https://ammarmian.substack.com/p/why-its-so-hard-to-say-what-you-mean
41 comments
I came here to make this comment. Thank you for writing it so well.
Try the podcasts of e.g. Chris Williamson, for someone talking about how he figures life out for himself. You have to boil it down to picking a specific challenges and objectives, whether that's money, career, education, fitness, friendships, hobbies etc. Set some mini-goal, really small one, do it, then consider what you learned. But, ya gotta pick something to start with, today. Don't just sit around stressing and feeling inadequate. (Or if you do, look into mental health. But don't try to address that all on your own).
Also excellent: 'Atomic Habits' by James Clear [0] ("four laws of habit change: make it obvious, make it attractive, make it easy, and make it satisfying"). Convert vague intents ("I will find my dream job") into a set of actions ("I will try out/interview people who do N jobs in the next week, then evaluate what I think the pros and cons of each are").
But, start right now with some action, no matter how tiny and inconsequential. Do not spin your wheels.
Chris Williamson also emphasizes how crucial exercise and nutrition are as foundation to anything else.
[0]: https://hn.algolia.com/?q=%22atomic+habits%22
Also excellent: 'Atomic Habits' by James Clear [0] ("four laws of habit change: make it obvious, make it attractive, make it easy, and make it satisfying"). Convert vague intents ("I will find my dream job") into a set of actions ("I will try out/interview people who do N jobs in the next week, then evaluate what I think the pros and cons of each are").
But, start right now with some action, no matter how tiny and inconsequential. Do not spin your wheels.
Chris Williamson also emphasizes how crucial exercise and nutrition are as foundation to anything else.
[0]: https://hn.algolia.com/?q=%22atomic+habits%22
Are people really still stuck on the whole self-help thing in 2023?
Striving for continuous improvement can be a horrible treadmill that just keeps you sad because you are never good enough. It's a repackaging of your own awful stubbornness sold back to you. Inevitably you will have to stop self-flagellating and ruminating endlessly or you'll never be able to enjoy your life.
Mistakes are not proof that you need to improve or evidence of what you do or don't know. They're just proof that you're human and aren't foolishly consistent. You can't create much without some enjoyment. If your ego still wants you to be the greatest that ever lived, that's ok go for it, but what it takes doesn't seem to be what many think. It's not how much effort you put into your work, but the thoughtfulness that comes from a state of flow that you can't will into existence consciously.
Examples are everywhere. Every celebrity, all star athlete, politician, genius, etc. all have flaws and they wildly succeeded despite that. Many of them are obviously bigger pieces of shit than you, or you wouldn't be obsessed with what the media says about them, right? So? Live life and get away from the messages sold to you.
Striving for continuous improvement can be a horrible treadmill that just keeps you sad because you are never good enough. It's a repackaging of your own awful stubbornness sold back to you. Inevitably you will have to stop self-flagellating and ruminating endlessly or you'll never be able to enjoy your life.
Mistakes are not proof that you need to improve or evidence of what you do or don't know. They're just proof that you're human and aren't foolishly consistent. You can't create much without some enjoyment. If your ego still wants you to be the greatest that ever lived, that's ok go for it, but what it takes doesn't seem to be what many think. It's not how much effort you put into your work, but the thoughtfulness that comes from a state of flow that you can't will into existence consciously.
Examples are everywhere. Every celebrity, all star athlete, politician, genius, etc. all have flaws and they wildly succeeded despite that. Many of them are obviously bigger pieces of shit than you, or you wouldn't be obsessed with what the media says about them, right? So? Live life and get away from the messages sold to you.
Counterpoint: Striving for improvement can also be a good way to get better at things that are important to you
Everyone who succeeded did so in spite of their flaws, yes, but that’s because their strengths were significant enough and well-placed.
Everyone who succeeded did so in spite of their flaws, yes, but that’s because their strengths were significant enough and well-placed.
Yeah I was thinking more along the lines of personal growth, not necessarily skills.
Getting good at your job or hobbies are also a great way to boost self esteem and there's for sure philosophies in their ways that translate to some personal growth, but overall I meant mental health, relationships, emotional intelligence, etc. which don't really fit the "skill" abstraction because they're not a means to an end.
Getting good at your job or hobbies are also a great way to boost self esteem and there's for sure philosophies in their ways that translate to some personal growth, but overall I meant mental health, relationships, emotional intelligence, etc. which don't really fit the "skill" abstraction because they're not a means to an end.
Well said.
It seems the author may be on the verge of discovering vulnerability and openness. Opening yourself to others brings connection, empathy, humility, sincerity, and growth.
It does a good job of getting rid of the last vestiges of TFA’s I-V, too.
Of course, it can also be scary, but the rewards are tremendous.
It does a good job of getting rid of the last vestiges of TFA’s I-V, too.
Of course, it can also be scary, but the rewards are tremendous.
Any material you’d recommend on this topic? It’s a topic that I’ve been thinking about a lot to try and reform myself from being such a people pleaser.
I got there acting, especially on stage. I started about 15 years ago, in community theatre and indie movies.
At first, it was just for the fun, it’s an amazing feeling, but over time it became more about the collaboration and trust with my scene partners, regardless of the role: the more you open up to each other, the better the result.
At first, it was just for the fun, it’s an amazing feeling, but over time it became more about the collaboration and trust with my scene partners, regardless of the role: the more you open up to each other, the better the result.
These two books really helped sand down my people pleasing ways
- No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover
- I Used to Be a Miserable F*ck by John Kim
- No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover
- I Used to Be a Miserable F*ck by John Kim
The author seems to have trouble saying what he means in the headline because the article doesn't answer the question at all.
Um . . . it's not.
It's just hard to understand what all those allistic people mean. Why do they say false things all the time and why is that socially normal? How is falsehood the acceptable norm but not truth?
Things like this article try to construct frameworks for the falsehoods.
Boo! Boo!
/self throws rotten tomatoes
Boo!
It's just hard to understand what all those allistic people mean. Why do they say false things all the time and why is that socially normal? How is falsehood the acceptable norm but not truth?
Things like this article try to construct frameworks for the falsehoods.
Boo! Boo!
/self throws rotten tomatoes
Boo!
I think you're right about the framework-constructing.
The social games that make insincerity natural come more intuitively to neurotypicals, so they don't notice they're playing them. When they do, and try to analyse themselves, I don't think they get it right often, because they don't have to build up an understanding of said games from the ground up like we do.
This article isn't based on anything really, it's some rules conjured out of nowhere to explain some anecdotes. Like you said, a framework for the falsehoods more than a tool to be more sincere.
The social games that make insincerity natural come more intuitively to neurotypicals, so they don't notice they're playing them. When they do, and try to analyse themselves, I don't think they get it right often, because they don't have to build up an understanding of said games from the ground up like we do.
This article isn't based on anything really, it's some rules conjured out of nowhere to explain some anecdotes. Like you said, a framework for the falsehoods more than a tool to be more sincere.
Allistic? You mean "normal"? They can reflect others in their mind and see how their words change those reflections. Some take it too far and their inner world is a room with mirrored walls: they see many reflections of reflections, distorted by warped mirrors and they make their speech look straight in those reflections. The result is a tall pile of lies. Autists, on the other hand, have a brick wall in place of the mirror, so they talk to others as if they talk to a brick wall.
Pretty sure terms like ‘allistic’ are specifically intended to avoid using terms like ‘normal’ when it comes to historically oppressed / minority groups. That’s why it’s not “trans” and “normal” - it’s “trans” and “cis”
Also what does ‘normal’ mean? If you use ‘allistic’ then you make it explicit that you’re addressing something opposed to ‘autistic.’
Also what does ‘normal’ mean? If you use ‘allistic’ then you make it explicit that you’re addressing something opposed to ‘autistic.’
Saying “allistic” is a way to market alienation to normal people. I am not buying it.
I am not a normal person in a number of ways. That’s okay with me. A reasonable abnormal person is not offended by that. I am normal in other ways, though.
Look, we have to get along with each other in this human world. Universalizing marginalization through obsessively specific labeling is a failing strategy, because the majority isn’t fooled for long. Normal knows what is normal.
I am not a normal person in a number of ways. That’s okay with me. A reasonable abnormal person is not offended by that. I am normal in other ways, though.
Look, we have to get along with each other in this human world. Universalizing marginalization through obsessively specific labeling is a failing strategy, because the majority isn’t fooled for long. Normal knows what is normal.
Inventing contrived words to obscure reality is a form of lying to yourself and others. Normal means typical, "like others". It doesn't mean good, because in a hospital ward it's normal to be sick.
Allistic seems pretty useful here actually (first time encountering the word). “Normal” doesn’t describe along which dimension the person is typical. Allistic specifies the relevant one.
What's wrong with just saying "not autistic"?
Are you familiar with the concept of ‘markedness?’
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Markedness
Terms like ‘allistic’ counteract the unmarked norm - we have a special word for ‘autistic’ but we don’t say anything about ‘not autistic’ because it’s ‘normal’ - see how that has a judgmental angle?
It’s hard to examine a thing critically when it’s just called ‘normal,’ if it’s called anything at all. It’s much better to be precise in your speech when you’re addressing such deeply entrenched social practices.
It’s far too easy to slip into the “but this is just normal, why do we even need to think about it, let alone make up a word for it” trap and become complacent.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Markedness
Terms like ‘allistic’ counteract the unmarked norm - we have a special word for ‘autistic’ but we don’t say anything about ‘not autistic’ because it’s ‘normal’ - see how that has a judgmental angle?
It’s hard to examine a thing critically when it’s just called ‘normal,’ if it’s called anything at all. It’s much better to be precise in your speech when you’re addressing such deeply entrenched social practices.
It’s far too easy to slip into the “but this is just normal, why do we even need to think about it, let alone make up a word for it” trap and become complacent.
Autists are called this way because they are out. What's the origin of the word "allist"?
The idea that we should warp minds to appease someone's feelings is fashionable today, but it's wrong. Feelings and emotions are servants of the mind, and the mind should be a servant of truth.
The idea that we should warp minds to appease someone's feelings is fashionable today, but it's wrong. Feelings and emotions are servants of the mind, and the mind should be a servant of truth.
That's a losing social strategy. It always has been. It always will be. People don't remember what you say to them, people remember how you make them feel. Show people that you care by taking their feelings into account when choosing how you act, and how you speak, and they will respond in kind.
Nothing IMO! Languages are pretty good at generating words that are useful and pruning ones that are not, so this will either survive or not survive regardless of the meta-commentary.
… what? Specific terminology doesn’t obscure reality, it clarifies it.
>Some take it too far and their inner world is a room with mirrored walls
That sounds like a mental disorder
That sounds like a mental disorder
Consider maybe it's as hard for them to tell the complete truth as it is for you to lie or obfuscate. A little empathy goes a long way. And despite stereotypes, neuroatypical people are capable of it.
The most annoying for me on these theories is that autistic are not more truthful nor more objective. They exaggerate, they say misleading things or just completely confuse own opinion/feeling with objective truth.
Can't help but link this timeless post: http://www.paulgraham.com/say.html
It's pretty wild how few people say what they mean, and as a result people will end up trying to parse what you're saying for anything but face value.
slightly contrived example: if I ask someone if they would like to go to the beach they'll probably assume I want to go to the beach. As opposed to what I meant to say and actually said. I mean sure, fine, fair enough, if that question is code for "I would like to go to the beach" then I can deal with that. But how am I then supposed to ask if you would like to go? maybe I'm ambivalent but would be okay with going if you would like to.
Now the above example is fairly harmless, but add in a lot of bullshit around people trying to parse emotions from sentences and you can see how this gives autistic people a lot of trouble.
slightly contrived example: if I ask someone if they would like to go to the beach they'll probably assume I want to go to the beach. As opposed to what I meant to say and actually said. I mean sure, fine, fair enough, if that question is code for "I would like to go to the beach" then I can deal with that. But how am I then supposed to ask if you would like to go? maybe I'm ambivalent but would be okay with going if you would like to.
Now the above example is fairly harmless, but add in a lot of bullshit around people trying to parse emotions from sentences and you can see how this gives autistic people a lot of trouble.
Also, non-autistic people (apparently called "allistic"? TIL).
My partner does this exact same thing. I'm never able to find out what she wants to do, because any such question becomes reinterpreted by her as a "he must want to do this, so I must say what I think he expects me to say" game.
My partner does this exact same thing. I'm never able to find out what she wants to do, because any such question becomes reinterpreted by her as a "he must want to do this, so I must say what I think he expects me to say" game.
What about asking "what do you want to do" instead of suggesting an activity? The partner here is making reasonable guesses anyway, they are not misinterpreting, they are just not stupid.
They assume you are not setting up the following conversation:
- Would you like to go to beach? - Yes, I would love to! - I am really opposed to the idea!
They assume you are not setting up the following conversation:
- Would you like to go to beach? - Yes, I would love to! - I am really opposed to the idea!
My goto has always been telling other people what I want up front, before asking them what they want to do.
So - “I just want to stay here and chill - how about you, do you want to go to the beach?”
Or - “I’m starving, are you hungry? Should we get food?”
So - “I just want to stay here and chill - how about you, do you want to go to the beach?”
Or - “I’m starving, are you hungry? Should we get food?”
How about people learn to take what I say at face value? Yes I can work around this sort of nonsense, but doing it all day is exhausting to me.
I've learned how to deal with this sort of thing well enough to the point where most people that know me wouldn't guess I'm autistic, but it sure as heck would be nice if we all didn't invent weird-ass mind games for no benefit all the time.
I've learned how to deal with this sort of thing well enough to the point where most people that know me wouldn't guess I'm autistic, but it sure as heck would be nice if we all didn't invent weird-ass mind games for no benefit all the time.
We're concerned with social effects of saying the wrong thing.
What are you talking about?
I had to google 'allistic':
>For those unfamiliar, “allistic” refers to people who are not on the autism spectrum, and has become an increasingly popular term to help distinguish people from their autistic peers without using judgmental terms like “normal” in contrast to “autistic”.
>For those unfamiliar, “allistic” refers to people who are not on the autism spectrum, and has become an increasingly popular term to help distinguish people from their autistic peers without using judgmental terms like “normal” in contrast to “autistic”.
Good luck in your search, Ammar. Thanks for sharing.
Recommendation for anybody who is in the place the article describes: the book "What to say after you say hello."
I think he's talking about the struggle to be authentic, and why it's hard to be authentic.
That's ok. Life is not an exam and you're not being graded. Not unless you consent to be, and certainly not against other people's criteria, figure out your own. When you say "performative" and "vicarious", sounds like you're afraid to articulate what you think might interest you. Douglas Adams, Mike Rowe, Sean Aiken ("The One-Week Job Project: One Man, One Year, 52 Jobs") etc. tried out a ton of stuff before they eventually found their calling.
For example, recast "II. my experiment with TFA" to "what I expected about the job, career, teaching, my aptitude, my motivations" vs "what I learned about each of those". If you want to update that section, I think people would be interested in rereading the details. Looking forward, how can you now apply what you've learned about all of that? Let your glass be half-full on that. Each of us has had experiences we were unsuited for, that's part of life, just don't become paralysed with analysis, too much analysis is as bad as none at all. (TFA famously has low retention rate, for multiple reasons, btw.)