Work and Wives
36 comments
Thats a great idea!
My wife and I discussed my reasons for starting a startup and she is being very supportive from the outset, but sometimes gets frustrated that I don't "communicate my feelings" very well. She hardly sees me and doesn't have a clue about computers whereas I'm excited, stressed, anxious, and so focused on technical things for 12 hours a day, I sometimes struggle with the "How was your day darling?" type conversation in the evening.
Without sounding trite, communication is vital in a marriage so working on a startup shouldn't be different to any other important decision you make.
I'll take this involvment on board - thanks a lot...
I've read a lot of stuff recently by startup founders about the reasons to start a company while your still young and single, but I have to say that I could not possibly be doing what I'm doing with my company if it were not for the support of my wife. Anyone have a similar experience?
I guess I have to take the dissenting opinion... ;)
It's not worth starting a startup when you're married.... especially when you've been marrired for less than 2 years and/or have young kids.
1) Too much risk. Why lose a mortgage (and your wife!) over a dream? If you're married and want to have a family, get a stable job, get a mortgage and take care of your family's future. Not having any money (or very little) for few years can be extremely stressful on a marriage... especially if you're not financially stable. If you're financially stable and have millions in the bank, well, then this does not apply to you and you can do whatever pleases you.
2) You won't have as much time since your wife will demand that you spend a lot of time with her. If you're in a startup, your startup will be your wife and your kid and your family for at least a year. You'll be competing against other teams which don't have time limitations and against people who are working 12-14 hr days. You simply won't be able to compete with them. If you start spending less time in a startup than your cofounders, there will be some serious tensions!
3) Do you have young kids? Spend your time with kids, not in a startup. You'll be glad you did later on. No matter how much money you make, you won't be able to buy back time!
Anyway, I speak from experience. I've been in a startup (I was an employee) in which one of the cofounders divorced after 6 months because his wife ended up cheating on him... since he was never around with her.
It's not worth starting a startup when you're married.... especially when you've been marrired for less than 2 years and/or have young kids.
1) Too much risk. Why lose a mortgage (and your wife!) over a dream? If you're married and want to have a family, get a stable job, get a mortgage and take care of your family's future. Not having any money (or very little) for few years can be extremely stressful on a marriage... especially if you're not financially stable. If you're financially stable and have millions in the bank, well, then this does not apply to you and you can do whatever pleases you.
2) You won't have as much time since your wife will demand that you spend a lot of time with her. If you're in a startup, your startup will be your wife and your kid and your family for at least a year. You'll be competing against other teams which don't have time limitations and against people who are working 12-14 hr days. You simply won't be able to compete with them. If you start spending less time in a startup than your cofounders, there will be some serious tensions!
3) Do you have young kids? Spend your time with kids, not in a startup. You'll be glad you did later on. No matter how much money you make, you won't be able to buy back time!
Anyway, I speak from experience. I've been in a startup (I was an employee) in which one of the cofounders divorced after 6 months because his wife ended up cheating on him... since he was never around with her.
My wife likes money and my wife loves taking big risks. So she's the biggest cheerleader in my "crazy" fantasy. At the same time, my wife's been poor too, so she's not worried about tightening the finances either.
I guess not everyone is as lucky as me.
Give up your dreams and spend the rest of your life locked away in a cubicle? Maybe you should just get a new wife instead, one that isn't so high-maintenance :)
I agree wholeheartedly. What kind of woman would rather you spend decades of your life in a situation you find miserable than sacrifice and suffer alongside you while you follow your dream?
For someone who feels like I do this is totally non-negotiable. I would have no problem losing a woman over this question because it would only filter out women that are worth losing anyway.
For someone who feels like I do this is totally non-negotiable. I would have no problem losing a woman over this question because it would only filter out women that are worth losing anyway.
Well, I wouldn't go that far, but it is easier for those of us who have wives who are interested in being a founder, rather than a founder's wife. :)
"3) Do you have young kids? Spend your time with kids, not in a startup. You'll be glad you did later on. No matter how much money you make, you won't be able to buy back time!"
This is one of my main reasons for starting a startup - I want to be able to spend more time with my kids. At my current job, I get maybe an hour and a half to spend with them each night after coming home from work, before they have to go to bed.
Starting my own company and getting it to the point where it's profitable will allow me to spend the time I need with my kids. I'll be able to work from home, doing hours that are necessary to keep the company going. My kids and wife will see more of me, and we'll all be happier. :)
This is one of my main reasons for starting a startup - I want to be able to spend more time with my kids. At my current job, I get maybe an hour and a half to spend with them each night after coming home from work, before they have to go to bed.
Starting my own company and getting it to the point where it's profitable will allow me to spend the time I need with my kids. I'll be able to work from home, doing hours that are necessary to keep the company going. My kids and wife will see more of me, and we'll all be happier. :)
My wife helps support me as well. I'm not sure I would say that I couldn't do it without her. Having serious obligations like a wife definitely distracts me from my startup big time. Of course I would give up my startup in a second if it came down to a choice. I don't want to end up like Kermit:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uLQRv0RjBBM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uLQRv0RjBBM
For a marketing brochure I sought feedback from two professional writers and from my wife. The best advice of the three was my wife's. Moms are the main customer, but one of the professional writers is a mom too.
If you're racing with competitors to get the attention of people who live their lives on the web, having no other commitments is an advantage. That's not what I'm doing.
If you're racing with competitors to get the attention of people who live their lives on the web, having no other commitments is an advantage. That's not what I'm doing.
My parents had a startup when I was a child. My mom was adventurous and worked with my dad in the business. As a little kid, I had no awareness that we were rich or poor, though we must have struggled because I remember different living situations were not as nice as others. Our family life was happiest during the building phase of the company - before success was surely won.
One thing I'm sure of is that my dad would have been miserable if he had a straight job and that would have affected our family a lot more than material instability.
There are many lessons that you can teach a child about resilience - about fortune's ups and downs and how to handle risk that are unavailable to those who put their lives on hold to rear a child. I wouldn't have had any other childhood. We had extreme fortune upheavals. At one point, the family lost everything. But dad started again and made a success. I still wound up attending an Ivy League school and hope to apply the lessons I've learned growing up to the startups I'll start.
One thing I'm sure of is that my dad would have been miserable if he had a straight job and that would have affected our family a lot more than material instability.
There are many lessons that you can teach a child about resilience - about fortune's ups and downs and how to handle risk that are unavailable to those who put their lives on hold to rear a child. I wouldn't have had any other childhood. We had extreme fortune upheavals. At one point, the family lost everything. But dad started again and made a success. I still wound up attending an Ivy League school and hope to apply the lessons I've learned growing up to the startups I'll start.
Great life story, lee. My husband and I are bringing our children along for the journey as we work on our start-up.
We went through the start-up stage with another business before we had children, but we won't think of postponing this start-up because of our kids. It is hard work to combine starting up and parenting, but being parents while working a traditional 9-to-5 is hard work, too.
We have found that we are happier when we are being creative on our own, regardless of income level. When we're happy, the kids are happy, too.
They have adapted well to everything we've thrown at them so far. And we are encouraged by their go-with-the-flow attitude.
In the end we want them to understand that you make your own life. The best way we can teach them this is to actually do so ourselves....and that's what we are doing.
Sounds like that's what you are doing, too.
We went through the start-up stage with another business before we had children, but we won't think of postponing this start-up because of our kids. It is hard work to combine starting up and parenting, but being parents while working a traditional 9-to-5 is hard work, too.
We have found that we are happier when we are being creative on our own, regardless of income level. When we're happy, the kids are happy, too.
They have adapted well to everything we've thrown at them so far. And we are encouraged by their go-with-the-flow attitude.
In the end we want them to understand that you make your own life. The best way we can teach them this is to actually do so ourselves....and that's what we are doing.
Sounds like that's what you are doing, too.
The reason to start a startup when you're young and single is because you have no commitments. Once you have kids, you can't afford to take that kind of chance with your life because you're also responsible for their lives. But a spouse/significant other who's genuinely supportive is like a partner in the company who's sharing your equity -- if you make it big, he or she makes it big too.
On the other hand, a spouse or significant other who's not supportive -- or who means to be supportive but who doesn't actually offer much support, which is worse -- can put enough of a drag on things to make the company fail.
And as brlewis notes, a lot depends on the pace you're trying to run the company at. If you're using the traditional VC-funded web startup model and working 100-hour weeks in the hacking zone, your relationship with your spouse/SO is going to suffer. If you're using the consulting/micro-ISV model and expanding the business gradually, it's likely to put a lot less strain on the relationship.
On the other hand, a spouse or significant other who's not supportive -- or who means to be supportive but who doesn't actually offer much support, which is worse -- can put enough of a drag on things to make the company fail.
And as brlewis notes, a lot depends on the pace you're trying to run the company at. If you're using the traditional VC-funded web startup model and working 100-hour weeks in the hacking zone, your relationship with your spouse/SO is going to suffer. If you're using the consulting/micro-ISV model and expanding the business gradually, it's likely to put a lot less strain on the relationship.
"Once you have kids, you can't afford to take that kind of chance with your life because you're also responsible for their lives."
I agree to a point, but having kids does not relegate you to life in a cubicle, slowing building your 401 K, and complaining about not having enough Paid Time Off.
I think if you have a burning passion to start something and there is a significant potential pay-off down the road you are doing your family a dis-service by not pursuing an opportunity to make your lives better.
Nothing worth doing is easy.
I agree to a point, but having kids does not relegate you to life in a cubicle, slowing building your 401 K, and complaining about not having enough Paid Time Off.
I think if you have a burning passion to start something and there is a significant potential pay-off down the road you are doing your family a dis-service by not pursuing an opportunity to make your lives better.
Nothing worth doing is easy.
Really well said. My wife and three year old son are on the team. We're enjoying the hell out of this because we're doing it together.
I need help in this category. I'm currently doing consultant work full time to pay the bills (and keep the girlfriend happy) while working on my startup nights and weekends.
My girlfriend simply HATES computers and this makes it hard for her to understand what I am doing, why I am doing it and what it could mean later on. To her, it's not work, since it's currently not bringing any money.
Luckily she does let me spend some time on my startup, even though I could be spending it her. Going to take advantage of it while I can.
My girlfriend simply HATES computers and this makes it hard for her to understand what I am doing, why I am doing it and what it could mean later on. To her, it's not work, since it's currently not bringing any money.
Luckily she does let me spend some time on my startup, even though I could be spending it her. Going to take advantage of it while I can.
I'm in the same boat as you as my wife doesn't like computers and doesn't know anything about them. But what she does know is how passionate I am for programming and for creating something that I can be proud of, and because of that she is insanely supportive about what I do. In return though I believe and expect that she wants the same support from me for the things she is passionate about. So thats my advice, show her why you enjoy it, and then support her in whatever she enjoys.
hehe lol, that's a good topic!
I've been married for past 4 years (almost five, and I'll be at ycomb when we're 5 years - hopefully) and what I can say is:
My wife's paying the bills right now while iJigg is giving me 12 hours of work and big headaches :D
I'd not say you shouldn't try something being married, but for sure you need a good conversation with your wife before you start.
Tell her what are you going to do, the risks and the gifts you'll be able to give to her if you make it thru.
Tell her that you'll give her the first 3 months of incoming, that will help.
btw, my wife's pregnant and our incoming isn't enough anymore what tells me to rush even more on iJigg.
Dreams are priceless, but when married you're not alone anymore, you need to share everything with your wife!
My wife's paying the bills right now while iJigg is giving me 12 hours of work and big headaches :D
I'd not say you shouldn't try something being married, but for sure you need a good conversation with your wife before you start.
Tell her what are you going to do, the risks and the gifts you'll be able to give to her if you make it thru.
Tell her that you'll give her the first 3 months of incoming, that will help.
btw, my wife's pregnant and our incoming isn't enough anymore what tells me to rush even more on iJigg.
Dreams are priceless, but when married you're not alone anymore, you need to share everything with your wife!
a good point, I think it can work both ways, but my wife is a great sounding board and brings a unique / non techie point of view to the discussion which is extremely valuable.
That's a good point too - my wife has zero understanding of the programming world and no desire to understand it at all. She's great for telling me when my ideas suck or when they might work.
Because of YCombinator's relocation requirement, I can't apply. I completely understand why they have that requirement and what's more - completely agree with it. Unfortunately, relocating is not an option for me as we have a 2 year old. Even though I live in Maine and Cambridge isn't that far away, it just wouldn't work.
My drive to found a startup is very strong - I'm not afraid of failure (god knows I'm good at it!) but I'm struggling with how to do start something up with a wife and a child. The whole micro-ISV, consulting thing is not something I want to do.
I know the conventional wisdom is "don't do it". But that's just not an acceptable answer for me.
Does anyone have any advice for me? I would absolutely appreciate it.
Because of YCombinator's relocation requirement, I can't apply. I completely understand why they have that requirement and what's more - completely agree with it. Unfortunately, relocating is not an option for me as we have a 2 year old. Even though I live in Maine and Cambridge isn't that far away, it just wouldn't work.
My drive to found a startup is very strong - I'm not afraid of failure (god knows I'm good at it!) but I'm struggling with how to do start something up with a wife and a child. The whole micro-ISV, consulting thing is not something I want to do.
I know the conventional wisdom is "don't do it". But that's just not an acceptable answer for me.
Does anyone have any advice for me? I would absolutely appreciate it.
I have a wife and two small children. I have also successfully started a business using only "sweat capital" and know the stress it can put on a marriage. So I might qualify to give you some advice. I am also starting another company and willing to move to Cambridge.
I am fortunate to have a wife who is very supportive and sees the payoff of me staring a new venture. If I win, she wins. Also, I plan to move the wife and kids to Cambridge for the summer. They view it as an "extend vacation". Well, a vacation with no money, but at least it is new scenery (new playgrounds are always exciting for kids!).
I don't think the "don't do it" wisdom is always applicable. It wasn't in my case. As long as you make some time for your family and kids, and as long as they know the situation is pseudo-temporary, it can work.
Besides, being miserable at your current job is probably just as a negative on your wife and kids as a start up. It is hard to come home and be a good husband/father when you are bored/frustrated all day.
I am fortunate to have a wife who is very supportive and sees the payoff of me staring a new venture. If I win, she wins. Also, I plan to move the wife and kids to Cambridge for the summer. They view it as an "extend vacation". Well, a vacation with no money, but at least it is new scenery (new playgrounds are always exciting for kids!).
I don't think the "don't do it" wisdom is always applicable. It wasn't in my case. As long as you make some time for your family and kids, and as long as they know the situation is pseudo-temporary, it can work.
Besides, being miserable at your current job is probably just as a negative on your wife and kids as a start up. It is hard to come home and be a good husband/father when you are bored/frustrated all day.
Great points! I could have written your same post. I've started a company before and am willing to move my wife and two kids to Cambridge for this. In addition however, my wife is co-founder of my start-up so she's completely on board ;-)
Either way, we're going to build our company. It would be nice to get a three month kick start though instead of having to work around my day job.
Building the company around my day job will actually be tougher on the family but we'll still be better off in the long run. A job for someone with a family isn't all it's cracked up to be. It isn't flexible. I have a long commute. I have fixed pay that doesn't really reflect my time and effort. Stability isn't everything and it isn't what makes a person or a family happy.
There are other ways to take risks with a family. There are extended families etc. Taking risk with a family isn't wrong, it's just something you should think through.
Either way, we're going to build our company. It would be nice to get a three month kick start though instead of having to work around my day job.
Building the company around my day job will actually be tougher on the family but we'll still be better off in the long run. A job for someone with a family isn't all it's cracked up to be. It isn't flexible. I have a long commute. I have fixed pay that doesn't really reflect my time and effort. Stability isn't everything and it isn't what makes a person or a family happy.
There are other ways to take risks with a family. There are extended families etc. Taking risk with a family isn't wrong, it's just something you should think through.
Get a sizable investment from friends/family/VCs or very painfully build your startup on the side nights/weekends.
There doesn't seem to be any other options. I don't think the consulting option is any better than working full-time for someone else.
There doesn't seem to be any other options. I don't think the consulting option is any better than working full-time for someone else.
I think getting a sizable investment is the way to go (unfortunately). I've tried the nights/weekends thing and it just doesn't work because startups seem to really require a long, dedicated burst of attention and energy, something you can't do on the side.
Thanks for your reply - I appreciate it.
Thanks for your reply - I appreciate it.
Do you have cofounders that can move, and you could visit alternate weeks or every weekend? If you have no cofounders AND you cannot move, that's two strikes.
I have a cofounder who'd be willing to move, yes. And I supposed I could alternate, but based on the relocation requirement, I didn't think that was an option.
I meant two co-founders who would relocate, i.e. 3 founders total including yourself. Otherwise, what would your single co-founder do all by himself/herself? The primary reason for requiring the move is to be able to work together at hyper speed.
Of course, I'm simply postulating...am neither a decision maker nor an influencer ;-)
Of course, I'm simply postulating...am neither a decision maker nor an influencer ;-)
I don't have a wife.. but I do beat my roommate nightly with a wooden chair to escape the stress of startup life.
Someone said this to me once, "if your professional life kicks ass... u r taking a beating in the personal front." Its not a universal rule, but I am sure a lot of people can relate to it.
Rather than cribbing about having to make a compromise. I think the best bet is to involve your partners as much as possible in discussions about your venture so that they know how important this is for you and how it is in the best interests of the relationship. Go ahead and ask your spouse for suggestions/feedback and keep her in the loop, never leave her in the dark. Share your vision with her. If she does share your vision, then she is going to support you 100%. Then it becomes a non-issue. Its easier said than done, but definitely worth a shot. I am sure Guy would agree with this approach.
In short - "Try to establish a mutually benefitting connection between the two parallel lives."