yourescrewed=0;
upgradeprobability=0.25f;
bumpprobability=0.0f;
} else if (united1k) { yourescrewed=1;
upgradeprobability=0.10f;
bumpprobability=0.01f;
} else if (unitedplatinum) { yourescrewed=1;
upgradeprobability=0.05f;
bumpprobability=0.05f*(1-premiumeconomy*0.5);
} else if (unitedgold) { yourescrewed=1;
upgradeprobability=0.001f;
bumpprobability=0.10f*(1-premiumeconomy*0.5);
} else if (unitedsilver) { yourescrewed=2;
upgradeprobability=0.000001f;
bumpprobability=0.10f;
} else if (any_other_schmuck) { yourescrewed=NaN;
go_f_yourself=1*(united_basic_economy);
assault_probability=0.01f;
upgradeprobability=0.0f;
bumpprobability=0.20f;
baggage_fees=1;
}