Ask HN: What advice would you give about feeling stuck and helpless in a job
14 comments
> Due to all the new hires my teams role and my own role has been diminished in importance and neglected to the point our existence is an open question.
Can you stick it out long enough to find a job that’s more motivating for you, possibly by transferring to another team or moving to another company entirely?
> I don’t like being the guy to throw in the towel but I don’t think I can contribute to this team anymore.
> I just helplessness in it all.
I’d like to convince you you’re not helpless. You can stick around 5 months (Feb you said) and on the side, look for another role. And it’s great you have good compensation now, but there’s a good chance you get paid as much over even 15% more in your next role.
One thing I do recommend is to not get is attached to your job that it starts defining who you are or that swings in office priorities, leadership, etc. impact feelings of feeling helpless or excessively confident.
And avoid lifestyle creep. If you live below your means, even leaving a toxic job for a one better for your mental health, even if it pays less, won’t be a financial dent… maybe ego but nothing than really matters.
Can you stick it out long enough to find a job that’s more motivating for you, possibly by transferring to another team or moving to another company entirely?
> I don’t like being the guy to throw in the towel but I don’t think I can contribute to this team anymore.
> I just helplessness in it all.
I’d like to convince you you’re not helpless. You can stick around 5 months (Feb you said) and on the side, look for another role. And it’s great you have good compensation now, but there’s a good chance you get paid as much over even 15% more in your next role.
One thing I do recommend is to not get is attached to your job that it starts defining who you are or that swings in office priorities, leadership, etc. impact feelings of feeling helpless or excessively confident.
And avoid lifestyle creep. If you live below your means, even leaving a toxic job for a one better for your mental health, even if it pays less, won’t be a financial dent… maybe ego but nothing than really matters.
Thank you for the advice and the optimism.
I’ve decided to stick it out and casually apply for jobs for the next few months. If something comes up that’s right great. If not well the real search can happen in the new year.
I’ve decided to stick it out and casually apply for jobs for the next few months. If something comes up that’s right great. If not well the real search can happen in the new year.
There's an adage that when there's a shakedown, and the tree is being rocked wildly by management, all the best folks quickly leave. Only the people who aren't good at their jobs cling to the tree.
If I was in your shoes I'd have already started looking for something else to do. It won't be the company you joined six months from now, you won't recognise it anymore. And whilst that isn't implicitly bad per-se - who knows, the outcome might be that it becomes a better workplace with more opportunities and fairer staff appraisals - it will mean starting afresh whilst still carrying all of the politics and baggage that has come before. I would think it's better to start afresh without that.
But don't just blindly do what I or anyone else says you should do. It's good to seek external opinions, but in the end you should think it over and do what you feel is right for yourself. It's you that needs to live with your decision, not me.
If I was in your shoes I'd have already started looking for something else to do. It won't be the company you joined six months from now, you won't recognise it anymore. And whilst that isn't implicitly bad per-se - who knows, the outcome might be that it becomes a better workplace with more opportunities and fairer staff appraisals - it will mean starting afresh whilst still carrying all of the politics and baggage that has come before. I would think it's better to start afresh without that.
But don't just blindly do what I or anyone else says you should do. It's good to seek external opinions, but in the end you should think it over and do what you feel is right for yourself. It's you that needs to live with your decision, not me.
I think you can approach this problem a couple of ways:
1)Head-on: talk to you manager and your manager’s manager and be direct. Explain your frustration about your role and why you like the work. You have had value to the company in the past, and the company is invested in you for several years. See if they can or want to change.
2) Silently Bail: start looking around while you’ve got a comfy role that you can work in. Keep looking until you find the right role at the right comp.
For what it’s worth, even though I’ve engaged in the latter more than the former, I recommend the 1st. Communication is always the better option. If you’re feeling this way, others are probably too. The company needs to be aware of this, and the rest of leadership needs to see what’s happening. Hiring a bunch of people to replace your experienced engineers is difficult to make a net positive.
1)Head-on: talk to you manager and your manager’s manager and be direct. Explain your frustration about your role and why you like the work. You have had value to the company in the past, and the company is invested in you for several years. See if they can or want to change.
2) Silently Bail: start looking around while you’ve got a comfy role that you can work in. Keep looking until you find the right role at the right comp.
For what it’s worth, even though I’ve engaged in the latter more than the former, I recommend the 1st. Communication is always the better option. If you’re feeling this way, others are probably too. The company needs to be aware of this, and the rest of leadership needs to see what’s happening. Hiring a bunch of people to replace your experienced engineers is difficult to make a net positive.
Thanks for the advice. I’ve actually tried option 1 my manager is in the same boat get along quite well with him and would likely follow him out of the company. Seeing him come up against the same issues is nearly as frustrating.
At least start putting out feelers and start interviewing. For me at least that helps with the feeling of helplessness. I've had a pretty stable career and some disappointments with interviews, but at least feeling like an alternative was possible was empowering.
Can you reach out to your previous employers and former colleagues to let them know you looking?
In terms of the new personalities and organization, have you taken any actions to try to break inside the new "in" group? Meeting with the new personalities, finding problems to collaborate on, etc...
YMMV but I have seen that dynamic happen- management starts with "thier" people then adopts inherited people as thier own.
However, given my read of your post, I definitely would include looking for opportunities outside the company in your strstegy
Can you reach out to your previous employers and former colleagues to let them know you looking?
In terms of the new personalities and organization, have you taken any actions to try to break inside the new "in" group? Meeting with the new personalities, finding problems to collaborate on, etc...
YMMV but I have seen that dynamic happen- management starts with "thier" people then adopts inherited people as thier own.
However, given my read of your post, I definitely would include looking for opportunities outside the company in your strstegy
Thanks appreciate the advice. Yeah I’ve tried to make friends be useful etc. There’s no hard feelings really just a sense of being out in the cold. On a personal level I get along with these folks. The only trend is they are bringing in people who they used to work with. Interestingly some folks who were already at the company and used to work with them have seen their fortunes change for the better. I’ll start looking around as unless I work for a specific company it’s not going to happen I think.
I was in a similar situation at one point. Baby was already born at that point, but the VP of my org changed and basically everybody they brought on (including a new manager for my team) were not people I could work well with. My old manager and I got along well and respected each other, but they couldn't tolerate the VP and left.
One huge positive for me was that I realized all I could do is mentally check out and focus on home life. I stayed in the job longer than I wanted to, but it was still the right choice to stay. Mentally checking out didn't really have any detrimental effect on my career because I knew I'd never stay there willingly work with those people.
There were a lot of rough days though, and more than a few where I felt totally helpless and just wanted to quit. It's not like focusing on your home life will get rid of those feelings. Sleep deprivation and an didn't help me feel better about the job. But sleep deprivation isn't a great thing to have during job hunting or the first 90 days of a job where you are trying to prove yourself.
One huge positive for me was that I realized all I could do is mentally check out and focus on home life. I stayed in the job longer than I wanted to, but it was still the right choice to stay. Mentally checking out didn't really have any detrimental effect on my career because I knew I'd never stay there willingly work with those people.
There were a lot of rough days though, and more than a few where I felt totally helpless and just wanted to quit. It's not like focusing on your home life will get rid of those feelings. Sleep deprivation and an didn't help me feel better about the job. But sleep deprivation isn't a great thing to have during job hunting or the first 90 days of a job where you are trying to prove yourself.
Seems like it is time for a new job ? You seem like a smart person who does well at their job. Don't get too tied or comfortable with an employer where the thought of leaving makes you nervous since you think it will be hard to find the same level of income elsewhere. Remote jobs are very common these days especially in tech. so just start looking.
When it comes to switching jobs, have you considered applying for a remote job? Those can pay well.
Yeah anything is on the table. Since Covid my job has become full time WFH and while they haven’t told us we are going back to an office they got rid of the lease on the building in the country I’m in so there actually isn’t an office in country anymore.
Appears to me that you've already answered your own question and my advice to you is that you should trust your instincts.
Yeah you are right. Thanks.
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I’ve worked in a company for 4 years. Prior to that I’ve worked at 3 other similar companies for similar amounts of time. About 12 YOE in my field in total. The company I’m in has a change of leadership at VP to director level around every 6 months. It’s quite draining but I enjoy what I do so I’ve put up with it. I’m a high performer get along with my team and those across the company and consistently get good reviews but was only promoted once. I’m also not based in the country where most of the team is.
Recently a new VP has taken over the dept. He is from a large tech company not saying which one as it’s not really about that. He has brought in his people at the level below him. Anyone that was there in that level already has been kicked out of his leadership team. His people are now hiring their people. It feels like this is going to continue to all the levels. Due to all the new hires my teams role and my own role has been diminished in importance and neglected to the point our existence is an open question. Honestly everyone here is a bit cynical as it feels like there’s no hope of further career advancement due to all the new hires at high levels. Even staying still will be difficult and I’ve got 3 kids with a 4th on the way due in late February.
I don’t like being the guy to throw in the towel but I don’t think I can contribute to this team anymore. My compensation is quite good and the difficulty of finding a match in level, pay and interesting work will be quite hard due to my location. I feel stuck if I’m being honest as my partner would like me to stay in the role just until our new child arrives and we are sorted but I just helplessness in it all.
Any advice from folks who have experienced something similar?
Thanks