I feel for you. Really. I've been down that rabbit hole; and it took me about 3-4 years to get back after crashing really hard with a resulting deep depression.
I wish I could give you some really good advice that would change your entire life in a heart beat. I didn't find any such solution though. For me it was about setting boundaries and finding out what was energy positive and what was energy negative in my life and start eliminating the negative stuff and amplifying the positive. My guess is this means different things for everyone.
You're probably not realising how much you let the external world control your inner world. I certainly wasn't.
Also don't feel bad for anything negative you have been letting into your life. Somewhere down the line later in life you will appreciate even those things about your past. I can say that with a bit of perspective I now understand it was inevitable for me to end up where I did and I would also not have learned the life lessons I learned and I would be in a much worse place now if I hadn't. Looking back, I wouldn't want to have missed the experience for anything. It made me better in so many ways.
I wish I could give you some really good advice that would change your entire life in a heart beat. I didn't find any such solution though. For me it was about setting boundaries and finding out what was energy positive and what was energy negative in my life and start eliminating the negative stuff and amplifying the positive. My guess is this means different things for everyone.
You're probably not realising how much you let the external world control your inner world. I certainly wasn't.
Also don't feel bad for anything negative you have been letting into your life. Somewhere down the line later in life you will appreciate even those things about your past. I can say that with a bit of perspective I now understand it was inevitable for me to end up where I did and I would also not have learned the life lessons I learned and I would be in a much worse place now if I hadn't. Looking back, I wouldn't want to have missed the experience for anything. It made me better in so many ways.