Our stories are very similar,
especially since you experienced the same "cycles of energy" and feeling like yourself after doing nothing for a while.
I think most importantly the new connection for me is that i simply get worn down outside or among other people incredibly fast for some reason - same with work projects.
I am still unsure of the actual physiological cause, as it seems to me that i can also get a crash even if i run alone in the woods - ie. no other people, but it's still a "performance" and "you" still judge it with your own mind.
What makes me sure that there is something this is the fact that you have experienced both this AND the feeling of powerlessness - and the paranoia around this - i hadn't really seen this before but i totally also have that - down the fact that i have also been high on new fads, diets, lifestyle changes but only for a few weeks or months before i try something new.
So in short "the crash" is related to feelings of being in control, bodytension and not letting things go properly, instead judging hard, becoming perfectionist and having feelings of "not good enough" - even though i just finished something. Being a hermit with your laptop is fleeing from all responsibility and letting the mind rest, just as the body, and you are probably right that the mind is just as important.
So to sum up mostly for myself. Letting go, being kind on yourself, and being comfortable with "other peoples eyes" around me, appreciating smaller incremental victories, and just as you also mentioned in you first comment - building self reliance is something i have to learn to do. I have probably had a pretty high level of anxiety inside of me that i have ignored like "everyone has imposter syndrome", or "everyone is afraid of getting exposed (whatever that means)", but it wears you down.
Just writing this out is untangling a few things for me so thank again!
I have already begun The Body Keeps The Score and is actively looking for a therapist now.
The perpetual cycle of overreach, then crash certainly deepens the negative self talk - the fact that you can't tame yourself through excessive discipline while ignoring "how you actually feel" (ie. often like complete trash because you ARE crashing) certainly doesn't help the "neurotic behaviour/emotional armour". But i somehow thought i could "plough through".
The suppression of real emotions seems like a perfectly reasonable explanation for why you become so tired/worn out. Also you get used to ignoring the negative self talk because you feel like it makes no sense from the intellects perspective and you have to "perform professionally" or whatever.
One thing that has kept me from really going in this direction has been the observation that 3-4 days in bed with only my laptop has been able to "heal" all of the pain and fatigue and tension in the body - if done before for example an important meeting i end up completely calm, extroverted, like another person or "the real me", but the "tension" and fatigue soon returns. Such a weird and labyrinthian process. I guess it has to do with the fact that the negative self talk quickly returns and i get burned out again very easily.
Anyway, i guess the way forward is not ploughing through with a tense body and an "ignored" mind. Sounds almost stupid as i write it out like this, but here we are.
Hi Adam. I just created this account because your experience mirrors mine - in that i too have been dealing with Post Exertional Malaise for years - and the connection you just made to "negative self talk and ignorance" is extremely interesting to me.
PEM is a rather obscure syndrome which no doctor i have met really understands, also i like you don't really have most of the "other CFS symptoms".
Basically it's an incredibly debilitating post "exertion effect" that means that every time you try to "better yourself", workout, get work done, etc. you end up crashing hard instead of feeling like "yeah i made it, now i can relax!" - you instead feel both mentally and physically like you are on the brink of death, often for days for no reason - it feels so incredibly "unfair". You could have just been promoted, got a raise, finished a marathon, doesn't matter, you feel like you are crashing from a drug bender.
Until now i have been thinking that it's either some cell level or genetic deficiency, OR that it's actually a form of burnout, ie. the way "out of the PEM prison" is through total relaxation, weaning of coffee, stopping hard workouts etc - but i have "often" tried this to little effect - what i haven't tried though is going to therapy for a "longer stretch" and your post just made me realise something: "Maybe i too am too hard on myself" - why this form of neurosis would lead to Post Exertional Mailaise i don't really know, but damn i am so happy to have found someone who's had experienced the same thing.
Anyways - i just wan't to say thank you so much for writing this, and if you or anyone else have any leads to books, forums or podcasts about this issue, i would be
so happy.
I think most importantly the new connection for me is that i simply get worn down outside or among other people incredibly fast for some reason - same with work projects.
I am still unsure of the actual physiological cause, as it seems to me that i can also get a crash even if i run alone in the woods - ie. no other people, but it's still a "performance" and "you" still judge it with your own mind.
What makes me sure that there is something this is the fact that you have experienced both this AND the feeling of powerlessness - and the paranoia around this - i hadn't really seen this before but i totally also have that - down the fact that i have also been high on new fads, diets, lifestyle changes but only for a few weeks or months before i try something new.
So in short "the crash" is related to feelings of being in control, bodytension and not letting things go properly, instead judging hard, becoming perfectionist and having feelings of "not good enough" - even though i just finished something. Being a hermit with your laptop is fleeing from all responsibility and letting the mind rest, just as the body, and you are probably right that the mind is just as important.
So to sum up mostly for myself. Letting go, being kind on yourself, and being comfortable with "other peoples eyes" around me, appreciating smaller incremental victories, and just as you also mentioned in you first comment - building self reliance is something i have to learn to do. I have probably had a pretty high level of anxiety inside of me that i have ignored like "everyone has imposter syndrome", or "everyone is afraid of getting exposed (whatever that means)", but it wears you down.
Just writing this out is untangling a few things for me so thank again!