Thank you to everyone who has offered commentary here. I can't imagine there are too many communities around which respond so graciously to such a self-pitying post.
It's a huge relief for me to be able to speak on this issue. I'll continue to read through over the weekend and do my best to parse the feedback.
> These should give you, in my humble opinion, some fresh motivation and abstract overview on software development in general.
Thanks for the kind words!
> From your post it is a bit unclear what you mean by feeling under-experienced compared to your peers. Is it at technical level? Work ethic/principles? Understanding of the whole technology stack? Or perhaps process in your company?
I feel the greatest trepidation around devops. Particularly in recent years I have noticed I am struggling to grasp the fundamental concepts of common tools. Kubernetes is a convenient example. Beyond k8s itself, I feel as if I'm drowning in the ecosystem which has grown around it.
At some point my mind seems to all lost all plasticity.
> These should give you, in my humble opinion, some fresh motivation and abstract overview on software development in general.
Absolutely! Both books gave me great encouragement very early in my career, I should read them again. Indeed, I will hopefully have a greater appreciation and better understanding of the topics covered now that I have more experience.
I stopped reading books on software around the time I started feeling inadequate in my position. They became more of a source of anxiety than inspiration. That must sound perverse!
I recently started reading "A Philosophy of Software Design" (978-1732102200). It has been a refreshing experience and I am hoping eases my back into such literature.
> Are you having problems talking with other engineers because they look down on you? Is it a recent thing?
My colleagues, across engineering and at executive level, are incredibly supportive and are quite flattering in their appraisal of my abilities. However, I do have a hard time accepting their kind words. More-so over the past 24 months.
> Or are you burned out by the current company/type of work? (normal after so many years)
I feel at home with this company and the work remains mostly satisfying. However, I do regret existing within a very small engineering team.
> Or are you afraid you'll be unable to find a new job if the company lets you go?
It is definitely on my mind that I could struggle in the job market. I have arranged two interviews this month, if only to receive a dispassionate appraisal of my standing.
> "Senior Developer" is a heavily diluted term at this point. You can generally only count on it meaning 3 years experience. It's effectively code for "did not wash out".
Ha, I recall a link to a blog post on the subject here on HN very recently. It certainly struck a cord with me.
> The problem here seems to be that you are in fact a Lead Engineer, not a Senior Engineer, which does have some pretty hefty expectations associated with it. You feel like the blind leading the blind.
This is totally correct. It's been more pronounced since we hired an engineer who had a short tenure at a FAANG. While I believe there is rough parity in how we model and build software, there's a huge gap in our understanding of devops and systems architecture. I am a painful bottle neck in that area and I am sure the engineer in question feels the same.
> I'm already the third person to pull this quote out of your post. I think you need to stop and look at this. You are saying "I am living beyond my means."
I think that's right.
I took a significant pay cut a few years ago in an (unsuccessful) effort to safeguard my team from downsizing. Almost immediately following this change in financial situation my father became extremely ill and was either in hospital or at home requiring extensive care arrangements up until his death ten months ago. For a period of at least 12 months my income was considerably lower than the amount I had committed to family, and I was stupid enough to not ask for support.
I have since relocated my immediate family to a cheaper city and my salary has returned to its past peak but repayments for loans I had irresponsibly taken out during the aforementioned period have put me in a situation where it has taken one year to put aside two months worth of fixed cost expenses in the event I am without employment.
It's a huge relief for me to be able to speak on this issue. I'll continue to read through over the weekend and do my best to parse the feedback.