I recognise the first very strongly. Somewhere I got to a similar flip and procrastinate everything no matter how simple until it is "house is on fire" urgent.
You're probably right about depression, I was on Prozac a while but while I was still in the down spiral. It seemed to make me a happy flake, mask some symptoms but the downward direction and apathy remained. Now I feel a bit of motivation again I think they might help, or maybe CBT.
I had one brush with depression some years ago, and it felt different, but that was a much cleaner cause and effect. A short spell of SSRIs and I was able to break out quite easily.
- SSRI - I was on these for a few months near the start. I think it was the wrong timing, they masked the symptoms but didn't get to the core. My motivation was at an all time low so I flunked happily instead of just flunking. I was dropping everything and becoming a zombie. Now motivation is coming back again I think they or CBT might have helped move things along.
- distractions - I need to work on this more. I've done some, but as I'm starting to wake up a bit, I know I should do more. I need to get at least one space of the home back to cltter free and break the mental clutter too. It's too easy to feel I'm continuing the chaos of the workaholic times.
- writing - I like this. I've been doing something like this last few weeks, just into an editor file, and it's given me enough shape to know I need to be "not here".
- acceptance - Oh I am so bad at this, and rather good at obsessing how broken I am at the end of a day. I had a good head, and find it too easy to remind myself, and how stupid I'm being. Now some motivation is coming back it's probably worse - I was more like a teen with "yeah whatever" to everything six months ago.
Thank you for the thoughts. I was on Prozac for some months, and they definitely took the edge off but instead of flunking I'd flunk happily. It masked some of the symptoms but didn't get to the core issue. CBT wasnt suggested and I didn't ask, though I would now.
If I'd had more motivation (that's something that's coming back, to start I could care less about anything) I think the Prozac could have helped me along.
Exercise is a good suggestion, I've dropped out of most, so asking a friend or two to join up for some running and gym is overdue. Gets me out of the house and the self-feeding guilt too.
The parts I didn't mention, like for the 4 or 5 years of madness I could see the damage going on at home. We ended up so toxic towards each other, I'd feel guilt for the staff at the business and my partner and kids. No choice was guilt free or win, so the pressure built quickly.
Looking back I wish I'd let the staff go long before I did, and shutter the business far quicker. Walking away and getting a low pressure job for a year would have been better for everyone. Doing what I was doing for the family cost me the relationship. We had a good split, the now ex came back to help when I broke and helped deal with all the outstanding business things. We still talk, though she doesn't understand what's going on with me, but neither do I, and thinks I can snap out of it.
I like your suggestions, the hacker me always wants to understand everything, so it appeals on many levels, and as you guessed medical options are a bit limited now.
Thank you.
With all the responses to my quick comment last night, and writing out my replies I've got a real lift today. I need to make progress from that. Thank you everyone.
For me it was the opposite. The whole time I was overworking I was aware and wishing I wasn't and very much imagining myself doing other things. Now I'm aware and wishing I was back to normal and working.
I spent about 4 years working flat out. If I was awake I was working, trying to keep the income coming after the recession hit. Then something snapped. The now ex-wife had to unwind the things I was part way through.
Since then I can't do anything productive. I spend all the time wasting time with tv, games and online. Or often literally just nothing. If I try and do something productive like finding work again, or even simple like tidying the house I seize up with a mental resistance I find hard to describe. The more effort and willpower, the more the resistance increases. Even if I get started I've dropped out to go back to doing nothing within 10 minutes. Most days start with a resolution and to do list, but end with another day wasted. It's wrecked my career, relationship and social life.
I've been to a few doctors, but I've never gotten anything even a bit helpful.
You're probably right about depression, I was on Prozac a while but while I was still in the down spiral. It seemed to make me a happy flake, mask some symptoms but the downward direction and apathy remained. Now I feel a bit of motivation again I think they might help, or maybe CBT.
I had one brush with depression some years ago, and it felt different, but that was a much cleaner cause and effect. A short spell of SSRIs and I was able to break out quite easily.
Thanks!