Tell HN: You are not alone this Christmas
Hi, my Christmas is solitary this year, no family or friends. I'm not even having a Christmas dinner. I'm not sad about this, though. It's just the way it is. What I wanted to say is, if you are in the same situation, you are not alone. So have a virtual hug from me.
325 comments
Thank you for this gesture.
I lost almost everything. Job, 7-year relationship, my mental health.
Feeling that I'm not only alone but inadequate to have a life like anybody else.
I'm still alive, so there's that.
Feeling that I'm not only alone but inadequate to have a life like anybody else.
I'm still alive, so there's that.
I was exactly in your situation 2 years ago (at the start of COVID) and I know what you're going through. I'm not going to tell you to "stay strong" , emotions are a natural thing and should not be suppressed and it's ok to be vulnerable.
However, there are a few things that helped me get through the dark times, I am writing them below in the hopes that you may find them useful:
1. Exercise, this is absolutely critical. If you have never done it, it's ok, Julian has a great guide to get started: https://www.julian.com/guide/muscle/intro but there are also lots of guides online.
2. Nutrition is another one, stay away from junk food. Your brain will try to find comfort in high calorie / sugary foods, don't let it win. Eat vegetables and proteins instead.
3. Sleep is a tough one, but also important. Do whatever you need to sleep (exercising will help a lot). Your brain will keep you up at night, learn to recognize this pattern and avoid it when you can.
4. Make a plan. Grab a blank sheet of paper and think of one goal you would like to accomplish, then make the task into smaller sub tasks and from there derive a schedule for achieving it. This will help you stay productive and improve your state of mind.
5. Research. This oddly helped me a lot, I started researching psychology, relationships, listened to "dating" advice (I know.. some speakers were good, some were trash but I enjoyed them nonetheless), TED talks, books, etc.
6. Join communities. If you're an introvert like I am, this is difficult at first but you can start slow. I did this slowly, made a few friends online, then worked up the courage to join discord, then started messaging some of my old friends on Facebook, then had some phone calls and eventually met people face to face (whenever COVID restrictions would allow of course)
7. Don't reach out to your ex, when she/he calls you (and they will) don't respond, avoid contact with their families, don't read old messages, delete their picture, etc Trust me, you have been shot with high caliber rounds right now, you need to heal and they will only get in the way of it.
However, there are a few things that helped me get through the dark times, I am writing them below in the hopes that you may find them useful:
1. Exercise, this is absolutely critical. If you have never done it, it's ok, Julian has a great guide to get started: https://www.julian.com/guide/muscle/intro but there are also lots of guides online.
2. Nutrition is another one, stay away from junk food. Your brain will try to find comfort in high calorie / sugary foods, don't let it win. Eat vegetables and proteins instead.
3. Sleep is a tough one, but also important. Do whatever you need to sleep (exercising will help a lot). Your brain will keep you up at night, learn to recognize this pattern and avoid it when you can.
4. Make a plan. Grab a blank sheet of paper and think of one goal you would like to accomplish, then make the task into smaller sub tasks and from there derive a schedule for achieving it. This will help you stay productive and improve your state of mind.
5. Research. This oddly helped me a lot, I started researching psychology, relationships, listened to "dating" advice (I know.. some speakers were good, some were trash but I enjoyed them nonetheless), TED talks, books, etc.
6. Join communities. If you're an introvert like I am, this is difficult at first but you can start slow. I did this slowly, made a few friends online, then worked up the courage to join discord, then started messaging some of my old friends on Facebook, then had some phone calls and eventually met people face to face (whenever COVID restrictions would allow of course)
7. Don't reach out to your ex, when she/he calls you (and they will) don't respond, avoid contact with their families, don't read old messages, delete their picture, etc Trust me, you have been shot with high caliber rounds right now, you need to heal and they will only get in the way of it.
Thank you so much for this. I'm already doing some (2, 4, 5) others are planned for 2022 (1, 3, 6). But 7 is brutal. I was going to propose but things changed.
Anyway, again: thank you very much. This is very appreciated. Very kind of you.
Anyway, again: thank you very much. This is very appreciated. Very kind of you.
Also would like to add one more: Read books especially ones that motivate you. I was in similar boat as you are a few years ago and the books like "The Checklist Manifesto" and "How to Stop Worrying and Start Living" helped me immensely.
This cannot be overstated - the uplifting effect of the written word feels much more potent than hearing it from a friend or scouring YouTube videos.
I have found this book (https://tinyurl.com/4k27x6s9) to be a wonderful resource. I know there are many more to recommend, but I would start with the basics.
*EDIT - spelling.
I have found this book (https://tinyurl.com/4k27x6s9) to be a wonderful resource. I know there are many more to recommend, but I would start with the basics.
*EDIT - spelling.
Just the fact that you are already doing things to bounce back is amazing. All of your experiences would be hard to handle as one offs, but you are an incredibly strong individual for having all 3 happen at the same time. Take it a little bit at a time…I know HN can’t be with you in person, but we are with you in spirit!
The best way to get over somebody is to get under somebody else. Or over them. Or behind, or in front, or over cam, or whatever position and/or food/substance does it for you.
I went from a completely sedentary desk life to running a half-marathon in 7 months (includes a 1 month groin injury). On a treadmill, training myself.
You can do it, too, and the effect on mood is spectacular. In fact the effect on mood comes way before a half-marathon. So don’t get overwhelmed and think you have to do that much.
You can do it, too, and the effect on mood is spectacular. In fact the effect on mood comes way before a half-marathon. So don’t get overwhelmed and think you have to do that much.
I'll add that virtually all running groups you find on Facebook or Meetup are very welcoming of new runners of all experience and ability levels. Having the regular schedule of a running group helps a lot with keeping up the regular exercise, especially when the weather gets questionable.
Running groups seem intimidating to everyone - even reasonably fast amateur runners. Once you go however you will find you will meet lots of interesting people all working to stay healthy or challenge their own personal goals. It's absolutely not a competitive environment.
Running groups seem intimidating to everyone - even reasonably fast amateur runners. Once you go however you will find you will meet lots of interesting people all working to stay healthy or challenge their own personal goals. It's absolutely not a competitive environment.
They were intimidating to me so I never went. Add the weather variability, and knee wear when running on pavement, and I just stuck to the treadmill the whole time. Even for the half-marathons. I realize I missed out on the social aspect, but if you are running with headphones and huffing and puffing, how much socializing is there? I guess the socializing must happen before and after.
Even still, maybe I’ll give it a try. Thanks for the tip.
Even still, maybe I’ll give it a try. Thanks for the tip.
One of my weekly group runs is 4 miles followed by beers with the runners on an early week day evening. Monday nights another group offers options of 3 and 5 miles and we always wait for everyone at the half way point and finish point. Another one is Friday mornings at 6 am a 6 mile loop around the lake followed by coffee. Saturday mornings at 7 am one of my groups does long runs - those are especially cool because they provide many distance options (I usually go 13-18 miles) and people then group up based on pace. For the long runs I always run much slower than I would do otherwise - this is where it is really nice to have people to chat with.
I would never get up so early if it weren't for these groups.
Other than these running groups I actually don't have a friend group where I live. It's nice to consistently see a mix of regular and new people and do something healthy (except for your knees perhaps) together.
By the way I really like wearing Hoka One One shoes for their extra cushioning. Definitely helps with pavement.
If you are bored of pavement, at least where I live there are many trail running groups too. I just don't like having to drive far to start running.
I would never get up so early if it weren't for these groups.
Other than these running groups I actually don't have a friend group where I live. It's nice to consistently see a mix of regular and new people and do something healthy (except for your knees perhaps) together.
By the way I really like wearing Hoka One One shoes for their extra cushioning. Definitely helps with pavement.
If you are bored of pavement, at least where I live there are many trail running groups too. I just don't like having to drive far to start running.
Thanks, I have plans to exercise coming 2022.
Don't wait till 2022 or even tomorrow. You need to train your mind to see good habits like exercising as something fundamental as breathing instead of a chore. Start today. It can be little as single push up or a 10 sec plank. Start tiny and work your way up. Churning out a quick 25 pushups will soon be easy and effortless in a couple of months time if you can only do 1 today.
I'm not a fan of self help books in general but Atomic Habits really changed my mindset for good.
I'm not a fan of self help books in general but Atomic Habits really changed my mindset for good.
I heartily recommend the r/bodyweightfitness's Recommended Routine (https://old.reddit.com/r/bodyweightfitness/wiki/kb/recommend...). I found it extremely reasonable, convincing, and beginner-friendly. It has detailed progressions on what to start from if you can't do a pushup or other (all the way up to if you can do it on one hand or whatever), and is absolutely not condescending, instead gives amazingly practical advice. It doesn't ask you to do more than 8 repetitions of any major exercise ever in a series, regardless how advanced you are, and there's whole ton of explanations why it's enough and why physiologically the freaking breaks between exercises are important and must not be shortened. I found it amazingly anti-bullshit yet super approachable.
It's funny you suggested that because I use the r/BWF's Recommended Routine myself. I'm big on calisthenics and wish to do one arm push up and handstand pushups someday. BWF for the win because if a gym is closed because of a pandemic or if I'm on vacation, I don't want to feel my routine being disrupted.
If something is a good idea, don't put it off. I don't understand people who make New Year resolutions and wait until the New Year to do them.
If it's a good idea ... start now!
If it's a good idea ... start now!
I want to add to this... i set a goal a while back of doing the equivalent point in duolingo every day of like 2 or 3 lessons. that didn't work in the long term and the streak went away and i lost the motivation to keep "stubbing my toe" so to speak every few days. I changed it to 1 lesson a day and the streak is almost 700 days in a row now and there is usually some motivation to do an extra few lessons or not once you get going. but just doing it and making the goals small will build those habits. I would say start really, really small in the goals and it will pay off. do 5 pushups or even if it's just one pushup it will add up and make it more manageable and more likely that you will stick with it.
What I've started this week is this:
* One each of push-up, sit-up, burpee, star jump, squat, and run up and down the stairs;
* Every week, increase by 1.
* One each of push-up, sit-up, burpee, star jump, squat, and run up and down the stairs;
* Every week, increase by 1.
I think if you're posting this to HN, you want to talk to someone about all of this.
I happen to like hearing about your life, so please feel free to DM me any time. https://twitter.com/theshawwn
Happy to just listen. No advice.
I happen to like hearing about your life, so please feel free to DM me any time. https://twitter.com/theshawwn
Happy to just listen. No advice.
It's a kind offer.
I will mention that I suspect many people going through this won't be comfortable with Twitter as the means of communications....
I will mention that I suspect many people going through this won't be comfortable with Twitter as the means of communications....
I'm happy to "listen" via email. Follow the link in my profile to find my contact info. Put "HN" in the subject line to get past my spam filter.
+1 — This wonderful man helped me and listened via twitter DMs when I was in a rut.
It's amazing how helpful it can be to have a sounding board. This is a very nice gesture.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I went through a dark night of the soul a few years ago amidst some professional setbacks. More recently, I've been on the edge of losing my 17-year marriage; we are still exploring whether reconciliation is possible.
The vulnerability, honesty, and goodwill in threads like this always warms my heart and bolsters my faith in humanity. I'll offer my own contribution. I wrote a deeply personal book called "Eating Glass" about navigating these seasons when everything seems to fall apart. I mention it from time to time on HN when I think it could be helpful, but today I'll just post the entire book for free: https://s3.us-west-1.amazonaws.com/com.markdjacobsen/Eating+.... My passion is just to help others walking similar journeys. Consider it a resource if it's helpful.
I wish you well on your own journey, and everyone else going through similar experiences.
The vulnerability, honesty, and goodwill in threads like this always warms my heart and bolsters my faith in humanity. I'll offer my own contribution. I wrote a deeply personal book called "Eating Glass" about navigating these seasons when everything seems to fall apart. I mention it from time to time on HN when I think it could be helpful, but today I'll just post the entire book for free: https://s3.us-west-1.amazonaws.com/com.markdjacobsen/Eating+.... My passion is just to help others walking similar journeys. Consider it a resource if it's helpful.
I wish you well on your own journey, and everyone else going through similar experiences.
I realise you didn’t post this looking for advice (and I apologise if this is unwelcome), but if I can relate one small thing from my own personal mental health nadir:
Walk. Outdoors. In the greenest place you can find.
No, it won’t change anything that you’ve been through, but it really will help you to quiet everything for a small chunk of time to let your mind get a rest from it.
Please don’t ever think you’re inadequate. No-one, not even you, as any idea what might be waiting in your future :-)
Walk. Outdoors. In the greenest place you can find.
No, it won’t change anything that you’ve been through, but it really will help you to quiet everything for a small chunk of time to let your mind get a rest from it.
Please don’t ever think you’re inadequate. No-one, not even you, as any idea what might be waiting in your future :-)
To add to this great advice, if you feel lazy to start, get a good audio book and listen as you walk. It becomes a kind of reward for going for a walk, you get a chapter or two of a great book.
I'll second this advice: I can't walk alone when I'm depressed. The quieting effect of being alone just causes my mind to go crazy with all of my problems.
An audio book at that time, however, is a great solution. Audio books, for me, can't occupy my entire mind. I can't sit and listen to an audio book. At the same time, they occupy enough of my mind that I can't do other mentally intense things and pay attention to the book at the same time. I had used them for driving, yard work, and other boring tasks to quiet the noise in my head and the feeling of boredom[0] that the task occupies.
When walking with a good audio book, I can observe the world without the noise of my circumstances and it really is a peaceful exercise.
[0] For me, boredom drives depression.
An audio book at that time, however, is a great solution. Audio books, for me, can't occupy my entire mind. I can't sit and listen to an audio book. At the same time, they occupy enough of my mind that I can't do other mentally intense things and pay attention to the book at the same time. I had used them for driving, yard work, and other boring tasks to quiet the noise in my head and the feeling of boredom[0] that the task occupies.
When walking with a good audio book, I can observe the world without the noise of my circumstances and it really is a peaceful exercise.
[0] For me, boredom drives depression.
I would agree. The saying, "Idle hands are the devils playground" can be appropriated as, "An idle mind is the fertile soil of the depressed."
Although the reality is the mind is anything but idle for those predisposed to depression. The rumination, negative thought patterns and self-critical thoughts are worse than a prison sentence of solitary confinement.
For those who may not understand this, imagine standing over a 5 year old constantly berating them, in a horrifically negative way, for every action they take, good or bad. Now imagine the effects of that over years or decades.
Although the reality is the mind is anything but idle for those predisposed to depression. The rumination, negative thought patterns and self-critical thoughts are worse than a prison sentence of solitary confinement.
For those who may not understand this, imagine standing over a 5 year old constantly berating them, in a horrifically negative way, for every action they take, good or bad. Now imagine the effects of that over years or decades.
> Walk. Outdoors. In the greenest place you can find.
Then my allergies will flair up and I'll have a miserable 1-2 days of recovery and be hating life. No thanks
Then my allergies will flair up and I'll have a miserable 1-2 days of recovery and be hating life. No thanks
I think going alone for a walk is a really bad idea/advice. I've always felt way worse after doing that because there is nothing to distract it so you just chew yourself up or at least that's how I do it.
Just some minor pushback. When walking, ‘look at chimneys’. There is something to be said for enforcing an uplifted posture, plus engaging with the light. Honestly, it makes a difference!
No need to apologize.
Thanks for the help and kind words.
Thanks for the help and kind words.
You were able to have a seven year long relationship. People spend their thirties or more without being in even one. I have tried and the best I could manage was 2 years. Second best was 4 months.
At least according to me you definitely are not inadequate :)
At least according to me you definitely are not inadequate :)
Maybe a bit of both? If my relationship is going on the rocks I’d rather it happen after 4 months or 2 years than after 7.
I’m like OP except that I have not had a romantic relationship as an adult (I’m in my thirties).
What OP brought up is what I think about the most: that I am too inadequate to just have a normal life. Just going to work is a little painful since I have to (over)hear everyone else talking about their normal lives.
What OP brought up is what I think about the most: that I am too inadequate to just have a normal life. Just going to work is a little painful since I have to (over)hear everyone else talking about their normal lives.
Perfect!
Hang in there! Mental health is serious business, I hope you have a good professional you can turn to.
Programming is a great distractions, as others have pointed out. Make sure you don't use it to completely displace the pain you're feeling. You need to spend some time with it as well, that's how we humans deal with an it. Alternating between moments of distraction and periods of "dealing" is a good middle way, I think.
You're a great human being, never forget that.
Programming is a great distractions, as others have pointed out. Make sure you don't use it to completely displace the pain you're feeling. You need to spend some time with it as well, that's how we humans deal with an it. Alternating between moments of distraction and periods of "dealing" is a good middle way, I think.
You're a great human being, never forget that.
This is great advice, I often use programming to distract myself from some pain or other. It can be a useful tool but can also become a long-term avoidance which isn't healthy.
I just want to do something to move on.
This too, shall pass.
Going through tough times sucks, but it's extremely helpful to keep in mind that it will eventually pass.
Stay strong.
Going through tough times sucks, but it's extremely helpful to keep in mind that it will eventually pass.
Stay strong.
Going by your username, are you German as well?
I'm also going through a breakup right now, albeit from a shorter relationship. I was happy to spend Christmas with my sister to have some illusion of a functional family, it was nice. It feels unbearable at times but I try to find solace in the fact the world is so vast and full of opportunity and so much more than what you're (I am) able to see in the current moment. Your plan to study to become a programmer sounds great and you'll be in a much different place in a year than you are now. Hope you can pull through until then.
I'm also going through a breakup right now, albeit from a shorter relationship. I was happy to spend Christmas with my sister to have some illusion of a functional family, it was nice. It feels unbearable at times but I try to find solace in the fact the world is so vast and full of opportunity and so much more than what you're (I am) able to see in the current moment. Your plan to study to become a programmer sounds great and you'll be in a much different place in a year than you are now. Hope you can pull through until then.
Not german, just love the Kraftwerk song.
I had some absolutely miserable times, which your comment reminds me of, when I was in my 20's. I'm 65 now, and my two grown kids have come to stay with my wife and my for Christmas. We played a board game for hours last night, like when they were young, and had lots of laughter together...
My point is that what you're going through will pass. It does take work; so keep up doing the things you know must be done to move your life ahead. You have received lots of good advice in this thread; I don't need to say more (except one thing I will add at the end). Do what you need to do, and this period will be over, and life will be good.
My one piece of advice is that I've found meditation is very helpful. It enables me to let go of negative thinking that arises from painful times decades ago, when those thoughts do arise. It's a very important part of my life now.
My point is that what you're going through will pass. It does take work; so keep up doing the things you know must be done to move your life ahead. You have received lots of good advice in this thread; I don't need to say more (except one thing I will add at the end). Do what you need to do, and this period will be over, and life will be good.
My one piece of advice is that I've found meditation is very helpful. It enables me to let go of negative thinking that arises from painful times decades ago, when those thoughts do arise. It's a very important part of my life now.
Hang in there!
I also had a dark period some years back. Such things can sure mess with your ego and make you feel like a loser.
On the other hand, when you hit rock bottom, there is not much left to lose. You can start building up your life again the way you want.
I also had a dark period some years back. Such things can sure mess with your ego and make you feel like a loser.
On the other hand, when you hit rock bottom, there is not much left to lose. You can start building up your life again the way you want.
I lost some parts of my mental health too after two last years (unrelated to global “events”, and partly due to a failed relationship). Idk if it makes it easier, but you’re faaar from alone in it. Just live through the biggest of this, because when things clump up they feel much worse than they are.
Employee, significant other, these are roles we may adopt at certain stages in our lives, but they're certainly not everything. They represent only a fraction of your potential.
Another way to look at things is that you've just gained a tremendous amount of agency. You're no longer required to perform these roles. There are surely dreams or opportunities out there which you wanted to pursue but were never able to. Take whatever amount of time you feel is appropriate to grieve, it's very normal to experience distress in the face of radical change. Then pursue them. There won't be many times in your life when you're presented with a clean slate like this.
Another way to look at things is that you've just gained a tremendous amount of agency. You're no longer required to perform these roles. There are surely dreams or opportunities out there which you wanted to pursue but were never able to. Take whatever amount of time you feel is appropriate to grieve, it's very normal to experience distress in the face of radical change. Then pursue them. There won't be many times in your life when you're presented with a clean slate like this.
Same here but it's a 5 year relationship. Similar feelings... With a persistent, almost frustrating sense of hope for the future that seems more deeply rooted inside of me than any actual plan to build from zero again.
You're not alone in that experience. Which isn't information that has helped me at all. Except that I at least believe that others have been here and scrambled blindly and made it somehow too, so why not us?
You're not alone in that experience. Which isn't information that has helped me at all. Except that I at least believe that others have been here and scrambled blindly and made it somehow too, so why not us?
My philosophy is to try to make an effort to make the best decisions you can make given what's available to you: your values, information and resources. When you live your life trying your best, you will be able to tell your future self that you did the best you could given each situation, and have no regrets.
Why? because even if your decision was mistaken, it was the best decision you could have made at that time.
Why? because even if your decision was mistaken, it was the best decision you could have made at that time.
That hit me hard. I am not in the same position at all but can feel what it must feel like. I have been in a few really bad situations in the past and strangely what helped me was realising that I had hit rock bottom but was still breathing and capable of doing things. So things could only get better.
You’re not alone, but you are unique. You’re existence is the only thing that can compute what comes next on this trajectory. There is a space of possibilities ahead of you that never have and never will be available to anyone else, ever. As such, you are infinitely and uniquely valuable.
Don’t feel like a failure over the relationship. Remember the default state of relationships is failure, well over 50% break up or the couple is miserable but still stay together anyway for various reasons. Try to learn from any mistakes you made when you get into the next one.
Hang in there! And to add to what others have said, I found it extremely helpful to stay away from sad music, romantic shows, etc. until you feel strong again. And keep your body moving!
Stay strong. I don't know your circumstances, but it's never too late to forgive or to ask for forgiveness. It's never too late to accept or redeem yourself.
Merry Christmas, bro/sis.
Merry Christmas, bro/sis.
I’m sorry, what was the nature of what caused you to lose all of this, so we can learn from it and possibly avoid catastrophe?
Dang! That’s tough! How are you coping? You good?
I'll be lying if I tell that I'm good.
In 2022 I'll study to become a programmer.
Focus on algorithms, data structures, and try to learn math (I'm very math illiterate, I don't know anything beyond basic arithmetic).
So at least by this time next year I'll have more knowledge.
In 2022 I'll study to become a programmer.
Focus on algorithms, data structures, and try to learn math (I'm very math illiterate, I don't know anything beyond basic arithmetic).
So at least by this time next year I'll have more knowledge.
If you're doing it to get your mind off things, it can be a wonderful distraction. One of the best in life, as far as I'm concerned.
I was mostly math illiterate too. Geometry was my strong suit, not manipulating symbols. Still want to learn PDEs someday just for fun, mostly because I have no idea how to model anything as a PDE.
But I would never try to learn PDEs to make money, because it would put me under a lot of pressure, since I wouldn't be doing it just for the knowledge. Just make sure you're having fun as you're questing your way towards programming. It's key.
I was mostly math illiterate too. Geometry was my strong suit, not manipulating symbols. Still want to learn PDEs someday just for fun, mostly because I have no idea how to model anything as a PDE.
But I would never try to learn PDEs to make money, because it would put me under a lot of pressure, since I wouldn't be doing it just for the knowledge. Just make sure you're having fun as you're questing your way towards programming. It's key.
It's just something that I enjoy and I can finally try to be good at and who knows, get a job doing it.
I already use Emacs for everything since 2003, so...
I already use Emacs for everything since 2003, so...
Oh hell yes! That's awesome, and so are you. Please, definitely DM me on Twitter if you run into any roadblocks at all. I will always make time to help someone learn this stuff.
Believe it or not, you managed to hit on the most lucrative long-term strategy, too. That's exactly the mindset that the best programmers have. If you like it, then a job is pretty much a matter of time.
Best of luck, friend. Take care of yourself, and prioritize yourself. You're worth it.
Believe it or not, you managed to hit on the most lucrative long-term strategy, too. That's exactly the mindset that the best programmers have. If you like it, then a job is pretty much a matter of time.
Best of luck, friend. Take care of yourself, and prioritize yourself. You're worth it.
What field are you in that you use Emacs?
I'm always curious what non-IT folks that use some rather IT-specific tools do (not that Emacs is just for coding like gcc, but it's pretty rare to see it jump over the wall).
I'm always curious what non-IT folks that use some rather IT-specific tools do (not that Emacs is just for coding like gcc, but it's pretty rare to see it jump over the wall).
Attorney but I read a ton of programming-related stuff, know how to use the command-line and used Emacs for a bunch of stuff. It's my shell, rolodex, text editor, calendar, file manager and, being Emacs there's a lot of little functions and stuff that I've built for myself and/or to make things easy.
This always amazes me to hear from non-IT people. I’ve spent so much of my life being forced to use Cybernetting AnyOffice* that I can’t see how anybody would have been exposed to anything else without being part of some rogue nerd culture.
Good on you, man, and honestly, I should be the last to take advice from, but you might benefit from a serious skills check-in to see what your real deck of cards is. Sit down and do it with someone who likes you and wants you to succeed, because it seems like you might not be in a state to evaluate yourself favorably. You might discover that you’re sitting at the top and selling yourself into the bottom. I did this, and it was disastrous for my career. There’s probably an upward step you’re not seeing.
* https://youtu.be/UMXs9i201AQ
Good on you, man, and honestly, I should be the last to take advice from, but you might benefit from a serious skills check-in to see what your real deck of cards is. Sit down and do it with someone who likes you and wants you to succeed, because it seems like you might not be in a state to evaluate yourself favorably. You might discover that you’re sitting at the top and selling yourself into the bottom. I did this, and it was disastrous for my career. There’s probably an upward step you’re not seeing.
* https://youtu.be/UMXs9i201AQ
I know plenty of tech-adjacent people whose interests stop at Wired articles, but it's really impressive you've actually dived (doven?) into the command line and Emacs, even to the point of building stuff!
You'll definitely be great at software engineering, as the intuition to dive deep into the bowels of these archaic ways of using a computer seems to come naturally! (especially compared to my attorney friends, who basically just use the browser, Outlook, and Word, and probably think a "command line" is some sort of military jargon)
You'll definitely be great at software engineering, as the intuition to dive deep into the bowels of these archaic ways of using a computer seems to come naturally! (especially compared to my attorney friends, who basically just use the browser, Outlook, and Word, and probably think a "command line" is some sort of military jargon)
I’m a senior web application programmer in the US and absolutely suck at math. Most of the field doesn’t require much math. Basic geometry and algebra would be enough. Knowing the basics of how to calculate combinations and permutations is useful.
Some people have recommended Kahn Academy. https://www.khanacademy.org/
Don’t be afraid to use a calculator when things get complex. Calculators are not cheating. But try to do as much in your head and on paper as you can. It helps to learn why things work.
You will get frustrated. Be patient and walk away for a bit when you need to. :)
Some people have recommended Kahn Academy. https://www.khanacademy.org/
Don’t be afraid to use a calculator when things get complex. Calculators are not cheating. But try to do as much in your head and on paper as you can. It helps to learn why things work.
You will get frustrated. Be patient and walk away for a bit when you need to. :)
Thanks for the pointers.
I also suck at math. As a web dev, I don't need much but doing 2d/3d graphics gave me headaches for a while.
As a kid, I used to complain often and loudly that I would never need any of this stuff. Turns out I was wrong.
You can turn around your life. I did so in my 30s. I am only saying this because there's a high chance you are an old fart since you know and like kraftwerk.
As you have correctly guessed, it's not too late.
As a kid, I used to complain often and loudly that I would never need any of this stuff. Turns out I was wrong.
You can turn around your life. I did so in my 30s. I am only saying this because there's a high chance you are an old fart since you know and like kraftwerk.
As you have correctly guessed, it's not too late.
Thanks, I'm 36 by the way.
hey man, I'm in my 30s as well and definitely feel like I'm restarting life after a LTR ended in the spring.
I like to remind myself of the encouraging phrase "We overestimate what we can can accomplish in a year, and under estimate what we can accomplish in five". Compounding gains is the game and humans always seem to underestimate their power
I like to remind myself of the encouraging phrase "We overestimate what we can can accomplish in a year, and under estimate what we can accomplish in five". Compounding gains is the game and humans always seem to underestimate their power
I'm gonna be downvoted to hell but start with linear algebra. All the basics will be immediately useful for graphics programming.
Lol, you don't need linalg for graphics programming. All you need is an understanding of geometry. Thinking of a matrix as a system of linear equations has never once helped me. Whereas thinking of a matrix as a combination of rotations and translations has been the only tool I ever needed, pretty much.
Just sayin', if someone is truly not a math person, saying "oh yeah, learn math and then learn graphics programming" is probably just going to discourage them.
ML is supposedly all about math. And sure, I could walk you through a backprop pipeline at this point. But it took me years before that was useful knowledge to me. The practical experience of doing it was way more interesting, and it lead to more knowledge than I would've gotten with a traditional path.
Just sayin', if someone is truly not a math person, saying "oh yeah, learn math and then learn graphics programming" is probably just going to discourage them.
ML is supposedly all about math. And sure, I could walk you through a backprop pipeline at this point. But it took me years before that was useful knowledge to me. The practical experience of doing it was way more interesting, and it lead to more knowledge than I would've gotten with a traditional path.
Doesn't linear algebra requires a lot of background/intuition? I have none.
Basic linear algebra can be taught in elementary school. It definitely doesn't require a lot of background.
Most linear algebra courses and textbooks do. Without a lot of background, you'll run into a hard brick well.
A few good starting points
- Project Algebra's Road Coloring curriculum
- 3B1B (on Youtube) has a series on the geometry of linear algebra. You should have the mechanics of adding/multiplying matrices, but not much more
- Game theory is a nice place to explore early
Linear algebra is a many, many year progression. It's quite deep and interesting. But you don't need to start with singular value decompositions and whatnot. Start with those sorts of things, and then apply it in different domains:
- 3D graphics
- Image processing
- Control theory
- Quantum computing
- Data analysis
... and whatever else suits your interests.
After a decade or so, if rather fascinating deep dives, you'll have a deep understanding not just of linear algebra but of some rather interesting domains.
Most linear algebra courses and textbooks do. Without a lot of background, you'll run into a hard brick well.
A few good starting points
- Project Algebra's Road Coloring curriculum
- 3B1B (on Youtube) has a series on the geometry of linear algebra. You should have the mechanics of adding/multiplying matrices, but not much more
- Game theory is a nice place to explore early
Linear algebra is a many, many year progression. It's quite deep and interesting. But you don't need to start with singular value decompositions and whatnot. Start with those sorts of things, and then apply it in different domains:
- 3D graphics
- Image processing
- Control theory
- Quantum computing
- Data analysis
... and whatever else suits your interests.
After a decade or so, if rather fascinating deep dives, you'll have a deep understanding not just of linear algebra but of some rather interesting domains.
There must be a good ELI5 intro to linear algebra out there that doesn’t assume a ton of background but…
I agree with other comments that linear algebra has limited relevance to learning programming. Your experience with Emacs gives you a far bigger leg up than mastering linear algebra would.
I agree with other comments that linear algebra has limited relevance to learning programming. Your experience with Emacs gives you a far bigger leg up than mastering linear algebra would.
IMHO, programming (the practice) itself doesn't require math.
Problems you solve with programming may or may not require math: the math requirements come from the specific problems.
Every time I've used heavy math in programming, I've figured out the math for the problem in isolation, then programmed that solution.
Problems you solve with programming may or may not require math: the math requirements come from the specific problems.
Every time I've used heavy math in programming, I've figured out the math for the problem in isolation, then programmed that solution.
> IMHO, programming (the practice) itself doesn't require math.
Strictly that is incorrect, but I get what you mean and agree with the point you’re communicating. I suspect it’s largely due to the rather dysfunctional way mathematics is taught in America.
Writing C for example requires knowledge of order of operations, inequalities, boolean arithmetic, and something very much like mathematical induction if you want your loops to terminate. Most programmers with the math optional mindset just don’t think of all the math they’re doing as math. For me the realization was empowering since once I realized I really was using a lot of math it inspired me to start filling gaps in my knowledge.
Edit: This looks interesting: https://pimbook.org/
Strictly that is incorrect, but I get what you mean and agree with the point you’re communicating. I suspect it’s largely due to the rather dysfunctional way mathematics is taught in America.
Writing C for example requires knowledge of order of operations, inequalities, boolean arithmetic, and something very much like mathematical induction if you want your loops to terminate. Most programmers with the math optional mindset just don’t think of all the math they’re doing as math. For me the realization was empowering since once I realized I really was using a lot of math it inspired me to start filling gaps in my knowledge.
Edit: This looks interesting: https://pimbook.org/
> order of operations, inequalities, boolean arithmetic, and something very much like mathematical induction if you want your loops to terminate
To a first approximation, this is a substantially more limited set of concepts than even low-grade math.
Iterating counters and loops is the most "general" math I've used on most problems, and for...each or equivalent auto-bounding functions over sized collections removes that.
Can you write a 3D engine without math? No. Can you write a DB engine without math? No. Can you write a general web app without math? Probably.
Point being: if your goal is to put food on the table by programming, a 2-year study plan worth of advanced math is better invested learning elsewhere.
To a first approximation, this is a substantially more limited set of concepts than even low-grade math.
Iterating counters and loops is the most "general" math I've used on most problems, and for...each or equivalent auto-bounding functions over sized collections removes that.
Can you write a 3D engine without math? No. Can you write a DB engine without math? No. Can you write a general web app without math? Probably.
Point being: if your goal is to put food on the table by programming, a 2-year study plan worth of advanced math is better invested learning elsewhere.
My impression is that everything is introduced along the way and LA gives you intuition instead of expecting it from you. But I've never done any advanced stuff.
You can do it! Most coding is algebra, algebra 2, maybe trigonometry. Focus on those and you will do wonderfully.
In game programming you would need linear algebra, but you can go a long way with just vectors, cross products, and dot products.
In game programming you would need linear algebra, but you can go a long way with just vectors, cross products, and dot products.
That’s so dope. More power to you! It is good to have hobbies outside of tech and programming too. I find when I’m stuck doing something else helps me figure stuff out. And it helps to prevent burnout.
Sounds like a great plan! Any way we here could help you out with some books or something?
Since I'm focusing on the job market, I'm collecting resources to learn C++. From what I gathered the best beginner book is Bjarne Stroustrup's Programming: Principles and Practice Using C++, which I think it'll be good since it's a programming book that uses C++ and not a book solely about C++.
But I'm open to any advice.
But I'm open to any advice.
Be aware that C++ is the organ of programming languages. There are many jobs that require this complex of a tool, but there are many jobs that do not.
I went BASIC -> C++ -> Java -> Python (some years ago) while learning programming. Learning memory management fundamentals in an unmanaged language felt enormously helpful in recognizing the bigger picture in later managed languages.
... But! It wasn't required.
Advice: Know what language(s) your target job market (there's a lot of programming) uses, and spend more time / practice on those. Most hiring folks don't know enough to evaluate language knowledge from a theoretically similar perspective.
I went BASIC -> C++ -> Java -> Python (some years ago) while learning programming. Learning memory management fundamentals in an unmanaged language felt enormously helpful in recognizing the bigger picture in later managed languages.
... But! It wasn't required.
Advice: Know what language(s) your target job market (there's a lot of programming) uses, and spend more time / practice on those. Most hiring folks don't know enough to evaluate language knowledge from a theoretically similar perspective.
If you're focusing on just getting a software job and not shooting for a particular industry where C++ is used heavily, there are far more jobs that use much easier languages (e.g. C#, Java, Python). C++ really takes some time to understand the myriad nuances that other languages obviate through GC (or not having templates, or simpler rules about overloads, or no intricate distinctions over value categories, etc).
Now if you're in to mastering complexity, C++ can be a great choice, as there are a ton of complex things to learn, but I would take a look at job postings where you think you might want to end up to see if it is actually required. It is very unsexy to talk about on HN, but for pure employability, Java (and other JVM-based languages) are probably the best in most areas. There are tons of remote jobs, and pretty much in any city, plus you can branch out into other JVM-based languages (e.g. Scala!) once you feel so inclined and still incorporate that at work. C# and F# have a similar "progression" and are now completely open source too!
Good luck, whether or not you end up choosing C++!
Now if you're in to mastering complexity, C++ can be a great choice, as there are a ton of complex things to learn, but I would take a look at job postings where you think you might want to end up to see if it is actually required. It is very unsexy to talk about on HN, but for pure employability, Java (and other JVM-based languages) are probably the best in most areas. There are tons of remote jobs, and pretty much in any city, plus you can branch out into other JVM-based languages (e.g. Scala!) once you feel so inclined and still incorporate that at work. C# and F# have a similar "progression" and are now completely open source too!
Good luck, whether or not you end up choosing C++!
A bit of algebra is good to know but more math knowledge is really only required if you want to work in a domain which requires it like Machine Learning, graphics engines, Scientific Computing, algorithm development and some other domains.
So I would explore and see how far you can get in math before investing to heavily into a specific language. If you want to learn one that’s useful in many domains and is easy to learn while focusing your studies on math my suggestion is Python.
So I would explore and see how far you can get in math before investing to heavily into a specific language. If you want to learn one that’s useful in many domains and is easy to learn while focusing your studies on math my suggestion is Python.
Tough life right there @abzug. we're here: here's another virtual hug from another country.
Have you familiarized yourself with Complex-PTSD?
You’re just as worthy of life on this earth as anything else. Hang in there!
You’re just as worthy of life on this earth as anything else. Hang in there!
it shouldn't be required to have a social circle to enjoy the holiday season, if people truly extended christmas greetings and cheer to others around them. unfortunately since the 1950s, christmas has evolved into a commercial and transactional affair.
Alone also, and that's ok. Don't be afraid to seek out help when you need it.
You are not alone; at least,... your struggles are shared. I haven't lost the job, but lost an 8-year relationship at the beginning of the month (about 7 days before my birthday). I'm guessing your mental health issues might originate from those events, or maybe not; I can't speak to those, personally -- I'm experiencing my share of depression, but I know it's because of my circumstances.
You're still alive, but you probably don't feel like you're living. Maybe life is becoming a bit like getting from one difficult thing to the next. And those "things" aren't anything that is normally difficult, but feels overwhelming. I've both been there recently and have been there, in the past. It's tough and my heart goes out to you.
Most advice is bad so here comes mine: get from one thing to the next for a little while. Take the time. You need it. And understand one thing: you're not special[0]. Whatever mistakes you're beating yourself up over many, many others have made and experienced the same or worse circumstances. The very vast majority overcome those mistakes, and many do it without medication, doctors or other treatment[1].
And then there's "later" -- whatever that is: During a divorce group meeting a gentleman said something that greatly affected my life: Whether its winning the lottery or becoming a quadriplegic, the happiness of both individuals looks pretty similar a year later. Neither have ever happened to me, but in my own life, that 1-year rule was something that time-and-again proved to be true. And my timeline is typically 3-4 months, not one year. As they say, "this too shall pass".
I've lost a great job in the past. I found a better one. I lost a pretty rough relationship, not by choice, to the point that I'm not interested in doing that again. I hate being alone[2], but I know that the sting will fade and I'll start dating, again. And I know there's someone who will want to share life with me in a way that is more fulfilling than my former relationship was.
Easily the biggest factor, for me, was re-discovering my Christian faith. I realize there aren't a lot of us in this place and I'm not interested in being preachy -- to each his own -- but its really the only thing I can credit with getting me through a really rough tragedy about a decade ago. It wasn't "being surrounded by other caring people at church" which caused me to be less lonely or made my life better because of that. I don't put myself out there very easily. I didn't know anyone at my church and didn't meet anyone until well after those circumstances passed. It was prayers, all of which were answered, several of which were answered in ways that I refer to them as miracles. Yeah, yeah, I can explain them as coincidences, too. They're not but I'm not going to attempt to defend that.
The only other bit of advice I'd offer is stay as far away from alcohol or other mind altering substances as much as you can. One of the ways out is finding a purpose for your life to replace the ones you've lost. This will be impossible if you add another layer of resistance on top of the problems you already have. You lost. You're not a loser. You had a 7-year relationship. You had a job. Those came from something you did and you probably had far more success in those places than you had failure, but you won't be able to see that clearly right now.
I'm praying for you and your circumstances. This time of year really amplifies loneliness. I'm right here with you.
Merry Christmas!
[0] I chose that word intentionally, not insultingly. When I'm depressed it's easy to feel like I'm the only one who's going through what I'm going through and that I'm uniquely cursed. Somehow using the word "special" to describe that situation makes it seem a little less difficult.
[1] I'm not saying don't do this -- I see a psychologist, regularly, now and have been doing that for a few years. Finding a good psychologist changed my life and it might help you, too. I only mention this because it helps to get past the whole "I'm too depressed to call a doctor/doctors, so I'm going to be stuck here forever".
[2] To clarify: I like alone time, I don't like "being alone". My family all lives pretty far away, I have few friends close by, I have a 3-bedroom house with "just me", I have my children part-time. I spend a lot of time stuck with my thoughts these days, but comparing today to 3 weeks ago, I'm happy a lot of the time now -- maybe most of the time.
You're still alive, but you probably don't feel like you're living. Maybe life is becoming a bit like getting from one difficult thing to the next. And those "things" aren't anything that is normally difficult, but feels overwhelming. I've both been there recently and have been there, in the past. It's tough and my heart goes out to you.
Most advice is bad so here comes mine: get from one thing to the next for a little while. Take the time. You need it. And understand one thing: you're not special[0]. Whatever mistakes you're beating yourself up over many, many others have made and experienced the same or worse circumstances. The very vast majority overcome those mistakes, and many do it without medication, doctors or other treatment[1].
And then there's "later" -- whatever that is: During a divorce group meeting a gentleman said something that greatly affected my life: Whether its winning the lottery or becoming a quadriplegic, the happiness of both individuals looks pretty similar a year later. Neither have ever happened to me, but in my own life, that 1-year rule was something that time-and-again proved to be true. And my timeline is typically 3-4 months, not one year. As they say, "this too shall pass".
I've lost a great job in the past. I found a better one. I lost a pretty rough relationship, not by choice, to the point that I'm not interested in doing that again. I hate being alone[2], but I know that the sting will fade and I'll start dating, again. And I know there's someone who will want to share life with me in a way that is more fulfilling than my former relationship was.
Easily the biggest factor, for me, was re-discovering my Christian faith. I realize there aren't a lot of us in this place and I'm not interested in being preachy -- to each his own -- but its really the only thing I can credit with getting me through a really rough tragedy about a decade ago. It wasn't "being surrounded by other caring people at church" which caused me to be less lonely or made my life better because of that. I don't put myself out there very easily. I didn't know anyone at my church and didn't meet anyone until well after those circumstances passed. It was prayers, all of which were answered, several of which were answered in ways that I refer to them as miracles. Yeah, yeah, I can explain them as coincidences, too. They're not but I'm not going to attempt to defend that.
The only other bit of advice I'd offer is stay as far away from alcohol or other mind altering substances as much as you can. One of the ways out is finding a purpose for your life to replace the ones you've lost. This will be impossible if you add another layer of resistance on top of the problems you already have. You lost. You're not a loser. You had a 7-year relationship. You had a job. Those came from something you did and you probably had far more success in those places than you had failure, but you won't be able to see that clearly right now.
I'm praying for you and your circumstances. This time of year really amplifies loneliness. I'm right here with you.
Merry Christmas!
[0] I chose that word intentionally, not insultingly. When I'm depressed it's easy to feel like I'm the only one who's going through what I'm going through and that I'm uniquely cursed. Somehow using the word "special" to describe that situation makes it seem a little less difficult.
[1] I'm not saying don't do this -- I see a psychologist, regularly, now and have been doing that for a few years. Finding a good psychologist changed my life and it might help you, too. I only mention this because it helps to get past the whole "I'm too depressed to call a doctor/doctors, so I'm going to be stuck here forever".
[2] To clarify: I like alone time, I don't like "being alone". My family all lives pretty far away, I have few friends close by, I have a 3-bedroom house with "just me", I have my children part-time. I spend a lot of time stuck with my thoughts these days, but comparing today to 3 weeks ago, I'm happy a lot of the time now -- maybe most of the time.
Thank you for the kind words, a lot resonated with me.
Glad you’re alive. Another virtual hug from a stranger on the internet.
Sorry to hear that. Hopefully things turn around for the good for you :(
Being single is a blessing on its own, merry xmas!
Merry Christmas to you fellow HN stranger <3
Keep living tomorrow will be better.
May all good things come your way!
You can't always control much in life, but one thing I've learned that you can always control is perspective. Sometimes it's nice to be the "This Is Fine" dog, blissfully ignoring all that isn't right, and focusing on what is (that cup-o-joe in front of you?) Doing that can help when awaiting calmer seas.
Hang in there. I think the past two years have been rough for many, so you aren't alone in the struggles. If you haven't already gotten diet and exercise to a good point then that can also be good for helping both the body and the mind.
Additionally, I'm always up for a chat, if anyone ever needs someone to reach out to.
Hang in there. I think the past two years have been rough for many, so you aren't alone in the struggles. If you haven't already gotten diet and exercise to a good point then that can also be good for helping both the body and the mind.
Additionally, I'm always up for a chat, if anyone ever needs someone to reach out to.
Thank you for this post, I spent the majority of Christmas '19 and '20 alone and it was in the middle of a very challenging time of my life. I'm very young and grateful for the friends and others that included me in their holiday celebrations, and having time alone to reflect and come to the realization that Christmas doesn't come from having family to share it with.
While most traditional Christmas stories and many people focus on celebrating children, love and family, material goods, etc it's also about looking on the bright side of life, counting your blessings, and carrying on traditions. A happy Christmas is a choice, and my advice to all who are alone today is this: Build your own traditions, buy yourself something and wrap it up nice, decorate a tree, make gingerbread houses, or cook a meal you really like, whatever appeals to you.
I'll leave you with the last line from How the Grinch Stole Christmas and a link to an In Our Time episode about (A Christmas Carol)[https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m0012fl5]:
"Welcome Christmas, bring your cheer. Cheer to all Who's far and near Christmas day is in our grasp, so long as we have hands to clasp. Christmas day will always be, just as long as we have we. Welcome Christmas while we stand, heart to heart and hand in hand."
While most traditional Christmas stories and many people focus on celebrating children, love and family, material goods, etc it's also about looking on the bright side of life, counting your blessings, and carrying on traditions. A happy Christmas is a choice, and my advice to all who are alone today is this: Build your own traditions, buy yourself something and wrap it up nice, decorate a tree, make gingerbread houses, or cook a meal you really like, whatever appeals to you.
I'll leave you with the last line from How the Grinch Stole Christmas and a link to an In Our Time episode about (A Christmas Carol)[https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m0012fl5]:
"Welcome Christmas, bring your cheer. Cheer to all Who's far and near Christmas day is in our grasp, so long as we have hands to clasp. Christmas day will always be, just as long as we have we. Welcome Christmas while we stand, heart to heart and hand in hand."
This year, after a tumultuous breakup (that quite literally plunged me into my deepest crisis to day), I’m practicing being alone. Mostly because what lead to said breakup in the first place, was me being a relationship-addict, which at this point in my self-awareness journey I understand to be a transgenerational issue. Thus being with family does not help at all (even though I did my fair share of being with them yesterday). As opposed to OP, I’m less than happy about the whole thing understandably.
What helps is hiking, I guess, trying to get a grip on whether doing it alone or with others helps more.
I guess this is close to being rock bottom for me at this point, hope you guys feel at least a tiny bit ok.
What helps is hiking, I guess, trying to get a grip on whether doing it alone or with others helps more.
I guess this is close to being rock bottom for me at this point, hope you guys feel at least a tiny bit ok.
I went through a breakup this year, which was (objectively looking) not too bad, because we managed to end on good terms, but left me personally very very sad and full of regrets.
I'm also going through therapy right now, and these two things combined made me realise that I'm completely unprepared for being alone and that I very much resent it and think of being alone as a failure.
And while in general I think that it's great and fulfilling to have good relationships with people, in my specific case I think I was similar to you - I have completely linked my personal happiness to being with someone and I paid too much attention to approval from other people. So I think I can partially relate.
Right now I'm trying to find what I actually want from life and learn how to be alone and at peace. And I agree that hiking or simply wandering around the city alone is a great meditative experience that brings me some joy at least.
I just wanted to say that I believe that with time it gets better, and trying to dig up from the lowest points of our lives is a big and rewarding challenge to have. I wish you peace and love; sending virtual hugs. You are not alone.
And while in general I think that it's great and fulfilling to have good relationships with people, in my specific case I think I was similar to you - I have completely linked my personal happiness to being with someone and I paid too much attention to approval from other people. So I think I can partially relate.
Right now I'm trying to find what I actually want from life and learn how to be alone and at peace. And I agree that hiking or simply wandering around the city alone is a great meditative experience that brings me some joy at least.
I just wanted to say that I believe that with time it gets better, and trying to dig up from the lowest points of our lives is a big and rewarding challenge to have. I wish you peace and love; sending virtual hugs. You are not alone.
Thank you Matt - your insight on thinking about yourself as a failure while being alone hit me quite hard, but also provided a piece of self reflection I did not have until now.
As for this experience being an opportunity and a challenge - I totally agree, even though it does not seem so ATM.
Let us both embrace this challenging-but-worthwile part of it, I guess, while also acknowledging the hard ones. Wish you love and peace as well along your journey!
As for this experience being an opportunity and a challenge - I totally agree, even though it does not seem so ATM.
Let us both embrace this challenging-but-worthwile part of it, I guess, while also acknowledging the hard ones. Wish you love and peace as well along your journey!
What I've found is that building a relationship is like building an orbital spacecraft: there are an infinite number of ways to do this which leads to failure, but very few which leads to success.
Our extant societal memeplex makes it seem like relationships are the default setting, and available to the majority with just a bit of effort. However, this could not be further from the truth in my experience. Very few relationships are successful, and most are in some stage of slow motion RUD. Often, the fallout from a failed relationship is worse than not having been in one in the first place.
There are solutions to this, but they will seem anachronistic to the HN crowd. Turns out that the concept of a marriage is very related to Christmas: it is a religious construct, and as such, cannot be removed from that context. Attempts to do so will more often than not result in immense suffering for all involved.
Our extant societal memeplex makes it seem like relationships are the default setting, and available to the majority with just a bit of effort. However, this could not be further from the truth in my experience. Very few relationships are successful, and most are in some stage of slow motion RUD. Often, the fallout from a failed relationship is worse than not having been in one in the first place.
There are solutions to this, but they will seem anachronistic to the HN crowd. Turns out that the concept of a marriage is very related to Christmas: it is a religious construct, and as such, cannot be removed from that context. Attempts to do so will more often than not result in immense suffering for all involved.
We, in Iran, have both a Yule (called Yalda here) celebration and the new year Nowruz holidays, none of which are religious.
There was a Category 5 Typhoon in in the Philippines where I am last week. The power was out and there was no electricity, refrigeration, or internet for a week. One of the transformers in my neibourhood blew out and got destroyed, and at 6pm on Christmas Eve they replaced it and we finally had power! I'm a software developer with a wife and two kids and we have a lot to be thankful for. We survided COVID-19 and a Category 5 hurricane.
Totally OT, but what is it like to be inside a Category 5 hurricane ?
Not OP, but:
Ancient oak trees, with canopies the size of houses, gingerly cartwheeling down the street, until a wind shift sends it rolling through the neighbors(empty) house. Watching their entire lives evaporate into projectiles that peppered everything downwind.
Modern garage door being sucked out, thrown over the house, to impale itself into the house behind it, evaporating it a few seconds later.
Large trucks, turning side-over-side, like logs rolling down a hill.
A cast iron bench being launched like a rocket into a neighbors window, turning the contents of that room, window, frame, and window air conditioner into a debris field; something from with-which punched a hole through a stop sign.
The roof of my house being lifted 6-10 inches directly upward, rotated about 30 degrees, and slammed back down. Like a sonic boom went off 10ft over-head.
Front support column being blown through my living room window, glass embedding itself into the walls opposite.
The physics of your everyday environment radically and violently change, you see things that you can't see anywhere else. I was on a few drugs while everything was going on, and there's so much more, but none of that was what really messed me up.
I don't know if other people have ever seen something that their brain couldn't understand at all. Like all context does not exist, this is entirely new to human experience kinda thing:
My house had a big ditch behind it, then a set of train tracks that were about a foot lower than my land grade, then another big ditch, then a state park. A very large state park that was miles and miles of ancient oaks, swamps, etc.
I walked out behind my house when the storm cleared, and I froze because I couldn't understand what I was seeing: Imagine an eldritch-old forest, you see it everyday, and now where an impenetrable wall of wood was, is now white horizon. It had been flattened, or erased. My eyes were seeing the white horizon while my brain was struggling with my memory and anticipation. It's the most disassociated I've ever felt without advanced chemistry.
Ancient oak trees, with canopies the size of houses, gingerly cartwheeling down the street, until a wind shift sends it rolling through the neighbors(empty) house. Watching their entire lives evaporate into projectiles that peppered everything downwind.
Modern garage door being sucked out, thrown over the house, to impale itself into the house behind it, evaporating it a few seconds later.
Large trucks, turning side-over-side, like logs rolling down a hill.
A cast iron bench being launched like a rocket into a neighbors window, turning the contents of that room, window, frame, and window air conditioner into a debris field; something from with-which punched a hole through a stop sign.
The roof of my house being lifted 6-10 inches directly upward, rotated about 30 degrees, and slammed back down. Like a sonic boom went off 10ft over-head.
Front support column being blown through my living room window, glass embedding itself into the walls opposite.
The physics of your everyday environment radically and violently change, you see things that you can't see anywhere else. I was on a few drugs while everything was going on, and there's so much more, but none of that was what really messed me up.
I don't know if other people have ever seen something that their brain couldn't understand at all. Like all context does not exist, this is entirely new to human experience kinda thing:
My house had a big ditch behind it, then a set of train tracks that were about a foot lower than my land grade, then another big ditch, then a state park. A very large state park that was miles and miles of ancient oaks, swamps, etc.
I walked out behind my house when the storm cleared, and I froze because I couldn't understand what I was seeing: Imagine an eldritch-old forest, you see it everyday, and now where an impenetrable wall of wood was, is now white horizon. It had been flattened, or erased. My eyes were seeing the white horizon while my brain was struggling with my memory and anticipation. It's the most disassociated I've ever felt without advanced chemistry.
The roof of my house being lifted 6-10 inches directly upward, rotated about 30 degrees, and slammed back down
I saw almost the exact same thing last week. One of the neighbours lost their roof and when it blew off it looked like levitation for a few minutes. Then it shifted about 100 feet and slammed to the ground.
I saw almost the exact same thing last week. One of the neighbours lost their roof and when it blew off it looked like levitation for a few minutes. Then it shifted about 100 feet and slammed to the ground.
It's just "batten down the hatches" time, to use a nautical analogy, and you close, tighten up, or nail down anything on the outside of your house or in your yard that you can. Then you lie low and wait for the worst. There were very high winds (120+mph) and rain so hard that I could barely see my hand in front of my face, and lots of downed trees and flooding. I've never seen so much crap lying on the ground before when it was over. We didn't have any home damage because our house is made of concrete. But a lot of Filipinos lost their homes because they tend to build with light materials (bamboo, wood, corrugated tin).
Inside you feel nothing, is at the edges the problem
Glad to hear recovery being made… this typhoon was a bad one.
This Christmas is significantly different for me. Normally it would be filled with friends and family, but not this year.
I succeeded in hiking >10 miles yesterday and today, legs willing, I'll be at least spending part of the day in the PacNW forests to keep the depression at bay.
<3
JWST was my Christmas present. I'm happy to see we've got final separation and the last view of the telescope. If anything, it's the best thing I could ask for today.
I succeeded in hiking >10 miles yesterday and today, legs willing, I'll be at least spending part of the day in the PacNW forests to keep the depression at bay.
<3
JWST was my Christmas present. I'm happy to see we've got final separation and the last view of the telescope. If anything, it's the best thing I could ask for today.
Yes! Another loner, here on my own today (well, me and the puppy I found)... but woke up at 6am CST to watch JWST launch. So thankful it made it up in one piece! After two decades of waiting it was a great Christmas present and gave me a happy start to the day.
NGST started in 1996! I was a 6th grader, at that time! I was fortunate to wake up at 2AM PT so I got to watch the entire webcast. I’m so happy it made it up and they unfurled the solar panel early — I wonder if that was a way to say goodbye while on camera.
aren't there snow storms out here in PacNW? do you have a blog where you document your journey through the forests?
No blog; that’s not a bad idea, though. I just post pictures/videos on Instagram like every other good Millennial ;)
Hiking is a way to clear my head. I had an 18 year relationship end not long ago — in 3 & 4th grade I had a teacher who would take us hiking on unofficial field trips. I realized I missed it and the connection with nature plus the isolation one can achieve given you avoid the popular hikes.
Hiking is a way to clear my head. I had an 18 year relationship end not long ago — in 3 & 4th grade I had a teacher who would take us hiking on unofficial field trips. I realized I missed it and the connection with nature plus the isolation one can achieve given you avoid the popular hikes.
Since you asked, here is a photo from near the end of my hike, looking NE or E to the Cascades.
https://ibb.co/8Nh29nn
https://ibb.co/8Nh29nn
And here's Marckworth State Forest today.
https://ibb.co/gFNNhC4
https://ibb.co/gFNNhC4
I hope you manage to get back home and hunker down before this cold snap moves in! If you're in the Redmond / Seattle area, it's gonna be one of those "everyone forgets how to drive" things today and tomorrow (and maybe further!) due to the snowfall.
My hikes are up at Moss Lake to the end of the allowable NE North Fork Road as well as Marckworth State Forest. It’ll likely snow up here given our elevation but cold doesn’t bother me too much.
> I'll be at least spending part of the day in the PacNW forests to keep the depression at bay.
Enjoy some of it for me. I will get out there, someday...
I keep saying it, before I visit any foreign country, I'm spending some time in the PacNW.
Enjoy some of it for me. I will get out there, someday...
I keep saying it, before I visit any foreign country, I'm spending some time in the PacNW.
You _must_ spend some time here. While I'm partial due to being born here, there is so much beauty in nature in any direction you choose to travel on the west side of the Cascades! You could spend years here and not see everything. I'm starting to explore more and more on my own and it is just a wonderland everywhere I go.
Yes I am. I am alone.
I am disabled, and homeless living in my van. I have a family history of mental illness and even they abandoned me. My friends, I get it, they just did not understand what happened to me. I make $1600 on disability but I still cannot find housing. Even when people
I love your sentiment but virtual hugs do not do it for me, nor for most people in my position.
What do we need? An understanding of Mental Illness stigma, housing for the 60% of us homeless who have a serious mood disorder, lower cost housing for the disabled. All of these would give me stability and a community again where I can feel like I am part of something instead of being an outsider.
There have been great people that helped me, and I hold no regrets because it reduces the stress and that helps me deal with my mental illness, but all the suffering comes right back, because here I am, alone again, in my van, in a vacant public park, on Christmas morning.
You want to really hug me? Start a revolution.
I am disabled, and homeless living in my van. I have a family history of mental illness and even they abandoned me. My friends, I get it, they just did not understand what happened to me. I make $1600 on disability but I still cannot find housing. Even when people
I love your sentiment but virtual hugs do not do it for me, nor for most people in my position.
What do we need? An understanding of Mental Illness stigma, housing for the 60% of us homeless who have a serious mood disorder, lower cost housing for the disabled. All of these would give me stability and a community again where I can feel like I am part of something instead of being an outsider.
There have been great people that helped me, and I hold no regrets because it reduces the stress and that helps me deal with my mental illness, but all the suffering comes right back, because here I am, alone again, in my van, in a vacant public park, on Christmas morning.
You want to really hug me? Start a revolution.
I wish there were more tinyhouse communities - like these: https://www.tinyhouse.com/post/10-welcoming-tiny-house-commu...
Hang in there friend!
Hey. Thanks for doing this. Most of my Christmases have been alone. No relationship with my parents.
But for the first time this year, I reached out to spend Christmas with my bestfriend and his family. Its a lot of fun.
I also met the love of my life, and although she's traveling with her family right now, we are getting engaged soon and she reassures me ill never have to spend a Christmas alone.
I never thought I'd spend a Christmas with loved ones in my life, so if you are feeling alone, just know that it could change.
Much love, and merry christmas
But for the first time this year, I reached out to spend Christmas with my bestfriend and his family. Its a lot of fun.
I also met the love of my life, and although she's traveling with her family right now, we are getting engaged soon and she reassures me ill never have to spend a Christmas alone.
I never thought I'd spend a Christmas with loved ones in my life, so if you are feeling alone, just know that it could change.
Much love, and merry christmas
My mum died in January and my Dad died a couple of weeks ago. We didn’t do much for Christmas as a family but I keep thinking of the interesting things to tell my Dad about that he’s not around to tell.
He’d almost certainly be watching the James Webb Telescope launch
He’d almost certainly be watching the James Webb Telescope launch
My dad also died a couple of weeks ago, but I feel like I've handled it fairly well (better than expected anyway). We used to talk quite a bit and I too keep finding myself thinking that I must tell him about things I've seen or read; you're not alone. Hope you're doing ok today.
I'm glad you're feeling well all things considered. If or perhaps when that changes, don't hold it against yourself.
That type of grief is humbling, initially destructive and absolutely crippling. I've experienced that loss and found the highs and lows to be challenging, but what ever feelings you have, you're not alone. It doesn't get easier, but, the pain does become familiar and less frequent.
Best of luck to you.
That type of grief is humbling, initially destructive and absolutely crippling. I've experienced that loss and found the highs and lows to be challenging, but what ever feelings you have, you're not alone. It doesn't get easier, but, the pain does become familiar and less frequent.
Best of luck to you.
I'm sorry for your losses. That's an incredibly tough year. :(
In my thinking, we live on in those who knew us. So he's cheering it on through you.
In my thinking, we live on in those who knew us. So he's cheering it on through you.
The passage of time is beyond daunting. The idea that in the blink of an eye my parents will be gone has never felt more true after being isolated from them and my home country for the past two years because of covid.
My heart sincerely goes out to you.
My dad died in April this year. I have the same exact feeling where I see something and my first thought is, “I gotta talk to dad about this” and before that thought Is even complete I remember that, I can’t.
I’m sorry for your loss. You’re not alone.
I’m sorry for your loss. You’re not alone.
So sorry to hear about your losses. Sending you a virtual hug through cyberspace.
I spent christmas alone in a hotel. It was my choice over meeting family who wanted masks, rapid tests etc before meeting for christmas.
I have followed every single piece of mandate for two years. Including double dose Moderna that I still have ptsd from.
I am done, I had ribs a glass of cognac and witcher marathon alone in a 4 star hotel instead.
Best christmas in a long time.
Happy holidays to all and wish a wonderful 2022 to all of you.
Sounds like quite the treat! All the best for 2022 to you as well!
We live in a time that, even before covid, there are a record number of single people in their 30's and 40's (in the U.S. and some Western European countries I am assuming as well), and to go one step further, a record number with no interest in having kids (or some fear that's keeping them). [1]
We live in a different times. Many are alone.
1. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-single/202009...
We live in a different times. Many are alone.
1. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-single/202009...
The worse side about these things is that you can't vent out your sadness or general feelings to anyone. Which is I think what people really need. Not a huge host of siblings and friends but just emotional closure to have your feelings validated and accepted. It's okay to feel sad, it's okay to not to feel sad.
It's hard to do so without being really close with someone but I wish all could have speck of shared empathy from this thread. We are not just boxes of text but real people around the world who all have their share of good and bad. Pushing away feelings does work and you get lot of things done doing so. But I don't recommend doing so in the long run - the re-prioritization can be quite shock once you notice all the stuff don't bring you that much joy.
It's hard to do so without being really close with someone but I wish all could have speck of shared empathy from this thread. We are not just boxes of text but real people around the world who all have their share of good and bad. Pushing away feelings does work and you get lot of things done doing so. But I don't recommend doing so in the long run - the re-prioritization can be quite shock once you notice all the stuff don't bring you that much joy.
Don't sweat it. I generally ignore holidays: I don't care about them. I spent this Christian with my parents largely because they insisted. I think with age I start carrying less and less about holidays. When I was 20, spending say new years alone sounded like a nightmare. At 32 last new year, I spent it on the couch with my dog watching movies and building a huge ass Lego set and to be completely honest it was probably my best new years eve.
Same here... I've spent so many xmas/nye alone that I'm totally indifferent to it. It's really like any other day. Also I can use the holiday to rest or travel to warm countries instead of over-eating and drinking.
Thank you for the hug! I hug you too.
We are all cave-people still, living now in our little caves, using tools that still require a lot of grinding to make and to use (mental mostly), still afraid of monsters and winters.
We are still mesmerized by lightnings, storms, stars, and everything that happens above and inside us. We're curious about world and life around, scribble things on our walls, we sleep a lot, and dream!
Ones in San Diego, CA, I saw a bunch of seals laying on nice stinky rocks, chatting about something with each other. Some younger pup was trying to crawl on other seal's head (just for fun of it, probably). So another bigger seal literally hugged the pup with that flapper arm of theirs and kept on telling whatever story that was. It worked!
We hug, therefore we exist.
We are all cave-people still, living now in our little caves, using tools that still require a lot of grinding to make and to use (mental mostly), still afraid of monsters and winters.
We are still mesmerized by lightnings, storms, stars, and everything that happens above and inside us. We're curious about world and life around, scribble things on our walls, we sleep a lot, and dream!
Ones in San Diego, CA, I saw a bunch of seals laying on nice stinky rocks, chatting about something with each other. Some younger pup was trying to crawl on other seal's head (just for fun of it, probably). So another bigger seal literally hugged the pup with that flapper arm of theirs and kept on telling whatever story that was. It worked!
We hug, therefore we exist.
Same. I plan to sleep in today (haven't even gone to bed yet, still up from the 24th). I finished up watching Doctor Who: Flux a little while ago, about to head to bed, and when I get up later today after sleeping for a while I'm just going to go fish for a bit, come back home, cook, and spend the rest of the day vegging out and watching Netflix, Prime, whatever, maybe do some reading, yadda yadda. My family all live a few hours away and I don't feel like a road-trip, so this is just a little mini vacation (stay-cation) for me and some time to veg out, relax, and do whatever-the-fuck-I-want-with-no-obligations for a little while.
So yes, I'll be spending most of my time alone, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.
Anyway, have a "Merry Christmas", or "Happy Holidays" or "Happy Festivus" or whatever holiday greeting you desire from me. And a virtual hug as well.
So yes, I'll be spending most of my time alone, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.
Anyway, have a "Merry Christmas", or "Happy Holidays" or "Happy Festivus" or whatever holiday greeting you desire from me. And a virtual hug as well.
“A festivus for the rest of us”
I got to get my aluminum pile from the crawl space for next year.
https://youtu.be/1njzgXSzA-A
Looking at this again in context of this thread no it’s commentary becomes clearer.
I got to get my aluminum pile from the crawl space for next year.
https://youtu.be/1njzgXSzA-A
Looking at this again in context of this thread no it’s commentary becomes clearer.
Netflix had some recent stuff zi recommend: The Witcher (new season), Don't Look Up, and Arcane.
Please accept my warmest Christmas wishes - your message is very kind, and you have all my encouragement.
Lately I've been coming back to reading short citations from philosophers. What's great is that you can chose any topic you like, and find quotes from all kinds of influential people on the topic (on one of the "quotes" cites, there are several) and see what the collective wisdom of civilizations has to propose - it's like a conversation with the past, and has been part of the solution for me.
Most of all I would recommend reading Proverbs - consider it a toolbox to peruse - I think most anyone can find some "missing piece" there that can get one unstuck from whatever rut one might be in: https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=proverbs+1&vers...
Finally, if you feel up to it at some point, I would encourage you to seek out those who are also lonely - I've been doing music at retirement homes for a while now, and it's very worthwhile - perhaps there are charities involved in alleviating loneliness in your area - visiting, talking, organizing events... there is lots of room for creativity and meeting generous people.
Best wishes, Sebastian.
Lately I've been coming back to reading short citations from philosophers. What's great is that you can chose any topic you like, and find quotes from all kinds of influential people on the topic (on one of the "quotes" cites, there are several) and see what the collective wisdom of civilizations has to propose - it's like a conversation with the past, and has been part of the solution for me.
Most of all I would recommend reading Proverbs - consider it a toolbox to peruse - I think most anyone can find some "missing piece" there that can get one unstuck from whatever rut one might be in: https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=proverbs+1&vers...
Finally, if you feel up to it at some point, I would encourage you to seek out those who are also lonely - I've been doing music at retirement homes for a while now, and it's very worthwhile - perhaps there are charities involved in alleviating loneliness in your area - visiting, talking, organizing events... there is lots of room for creativity and meeting generous people.
Best wishes, Sebastian.
This year I decided to finally stop participating in other people's illusions. I was raised Catholic but stopped believing about 15 years ago. Still, each year I went through the motions. This year I thought: I don't believe, I don't care, so why bother? This feels quite liberating and I'm proud of myself
Good for you! It’s so liberating to realize you don’t have to be pressured into pretending to be somebody you’re not, and there’s nothing wrong with being you.
Of course, you can still enjoy Christmas without being into any of the religious stuff, if you wish. I’ve been an atheist since I realized religion wasn’t for me at about the age of six, and Christmas is actually fun for me because there’s no pressure. It’s just a bullshit holiday like any of the others and an excuse to celebrate, or not. If you don’t like it, you can just ignore parts or all of it.
Of course, you can still enjoy Christmas without being into any of the religious stuff, if you wish. I’ve been an atheist since I realized religion wasn’t for me at about the age of six, and Christmas is actually fun for me because there’s no pressure. It’s just a bullshit holiday like any of the others and an excuse to celebrate, or not. If you don’t like it, you can just ignore parts or all of it.
What made you stop believing?
Any special event that you would like to share?
I believe that it all comes down to "Love". That's the key. All other "rules" are mostly human-made. Your relationship with God is just that: a relationship between you and God. And that's YOUR business and God's!
I too was raised a Catholic, but there are many places where priests are not as good as they should be.
I think I'm lucky on that, that I had a good priest for the biggest part of my life. I developed interest in finding out more and, for the most part, most lay people's common knowledge is wrong.
God does not want you locked up in a bunch of rules. God (even being apparently very absent) wants you to be happy thru Love. And that's all! (and, funny enough, the catholic church does defend that! It's just very sad they miss by a lot to put that into practice - but, then again, they are humans as well...).
I believe that it all comes down to "Love". That's the key. All other "rules" are mostly human-made. Your relationship with God is just that: a relationship between you and God. And that's YOUR business and God's!
I too was raised a Catholic, but there are many places where priests are not as good as they should be.
I think I'm lucky on that, that I had a good priest for the biggest part of my life. I developed interest in finding out more and, for the most part, most lay people's common knowledge is wrong.
God does not want you locked up in a bunch of rules. God (even being apparently very absent) wants you to be happy thru Love. And that's all! (and, funny enough, the catholic church does defend that! It's just very sad they miss by a lot to put that into practice - but, then again, they are humans as well...).
[deleted]
The "bunch of rules" are guidelines laid out by the supposed creator of reality, who loves you and wishes for you to live in congruence with your true nature.
You can ignore the guidelines, but that will come at a cost (mostly to yourself). That is how I understand Catholic virtues. The desire to rebel against this is the same instinct every child has when their parent tells them to brush their teeth and not binge-eat Halloween candy.
But to each his own, rebellion is a compelling source of identity for the young. Not so much later in life.
You can ignore the guidelines, but that will come at a cost (mostly to yourself). That is how I understand Catholic virtues. The desire to rebel against this is the same instinct every child has when their parent tells them to brush their teeth and not binge-eat Halloween candy.
But to each his own, rebellion is a compelling source of identity for the young. Not so much later in life.
Well, according to the Bible and the Church all rules come down to something like "Love God above all and love others as you Love yourself"...
I think it's all about Love... Every "rule" comes from this...
I think it's all about Love... Every "rule" comes from this...
I'm an immigrant living in the UK by myself and it is not even in my homeland tradition to celebrate Christmas. So today will just be a regular Saturday for me!
happy dec 25th coffee in the morning feeling!
Even if one doesn't "celebrate" the year-end holidays, the vibes all around are alright, to be fair. The coffee, much like the air you breathe-in itself, feels very different when almost everyone is in a jolly good mood.
In my experience, in the U.S., the vibes around this time of year are often frenetic, stressed, and full of forced holiday merriment. If I could find a way to completely avoid late November to early January, I would.
Usually your right, with this new post covid lifestyle i find christmas is not really jammed down my throat anymore. No office events, minimal shopping so im not spending time in shopping districts anymore, and it helps i dont have cable so im not getting commercials or anything.
Seth Everman has a Christmas stream for exactly this this year. If you're into gaming or music, he's your guy. Super funny dude. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2UmnWZRiLVs
I'll be there too :)
I'll be there too :)
Thank you. I just want to add that there's nothing wrong about being alone. You can be happy, and you can have an interesting life, without having to be always in company of other people.
Thanks! Last couple of years have been more lonely due to covid stuff. I'm only my own but picking up my kids tomorrow for a week. Enjoy your day, it's just another day though! I'll be doing some chores, going for a bike ride, then roasting something.
It's another day for you and me in paradise.
I am not spending Christmas alone, but sometimes I wish I was. The holidays are the toughest time of year for me, because they bring up bad memories from my childhood, and the darkness of winter amplifies it and makes me feel dead inside. Every year around the holidays I have at least one really bad breakdown, and I'm just way more vulnerable emotionally, so everything hurts so much more and for longer. The pain generally has to do with relationships with other people though, so being alone helps. I don't know if it would be better to be totally alone, as OP is, but spending extensive amounts of time with family or a romantic partner is just terrible for me. Cheers OP, buy yourself a gift.
I vividly remember coding, moderating IRC channels and playing StarCraft while being alone on a Christmas night, lobbies were full of joy and wishes, games were fun, and I felt way less lonely than while spending time with people I didn’t really connect with.
Christmas is seen as a moment to be spent with people, but IMO this day is only what you make of it. It is not bad to want to be totally alone, or connected with online randoms!
There are many people in these virtual worlds that you probably share something with if you spend Christmas alone or are reading this message on Dec 25th. I’m glad HN exists.
And if you really want another experice, go east if you can afford it, and enjoy in places where Dec 24/25th are just regular days.
Christmas is seen as a moment to be spent with people, but IMO this day is only what you make of it. It is not bad to want to be totally alone, or connected with online randoms!
There are many people in these virtual worlds that you probably share something with if you spend Christmas alone or are reading this message on Dec 25th. I’m glad HN exists.
And if you really want another experice, go east if you can afford it, and enjoy in places where Dec 24/25th are just regular days.
This Metaverse / NFT thing is depressing, I wouldn't recommend this.
If you are alone, better take the "celebrations" as an opportunity to discover people that are a little bit of your usual circle by inviting them for a dinner or movie.
The COVID-19 makes more people lonely, and actually, it's a positive thing for people who are usually alone because it makes it easier for them to live with the social stigma of being alone.
I don’t understand what can be depressing about other people finding company, wherever that may be?
Maybe it’s me, I just never saw how things that make other people happy can be depressing for someone else.
Maybe it’s me, I just never saw how things that make other people happy can be depressing for someone else.
This whole "people on the internet aren't real people" thing is SO 20th century.
I didn’t mean metaverse/nft, HN is a virtual world.
I have people but still feel alone. Every year is a brutal reminder that there will come a moment when you have finally met all the people that will ever love you, and the list only shrinks more and more every year. For me, it must have happened long ago.
Yeah, that's true, that day will come. Just like there will come a day you will go outside for the last time, have your favorite meal a last time, listen to a song for the last time or breathe for the last time. It's a sobering thought. But until that day you have plenty of opportunities to do all those things, and that includes loving new people!
[deleted]
All alone here too.
Truth be told, it would take some effort to trust someone enough to spend it with them now. I can thank my own family (back when I considered them family) for that.
Now I just make my own dinner, play some video games, and chill out. Took a fair few years to get there though.
Truth be told, it would take some effort to trust someone enough to spend it with them now. I can thank my own family (back when I considered them family) for that.
Now I just make my own dinner, play some video games, and chill out. Took a fair few years to get there though.
Thanks, you too. Solitary Christmas here too - being an INTJ, I wouldn't like it any other way. To me, this is a great opportunity to review the past year, plan/predict the next one and work on some cool side projects. All best wishes!
You can also get an actual virtual hug and virtual dance etc in online gaming if you re bored. Even if public gatherings are turned off this year, technology gives people , solitary or not, ways to connect with each other
(I'll shamelessly plug these open-source world parties https://opensimworld.com/?sub=events )
(I'll shamelessly plug these open-source world parties https://opensimworld.com/?sub=events )
Nobody in this World has ever been alone.
Everybody has their team of guides in the higher dimensions, and they are never on vacation, they are present every second of every day and every night.
You just need to learn to perceive them and to connect to them.
Everybody has their team of guides in the higher dimensions, and they are never on vacation, they are present every second of every day and every night.
You just need to learn to perceive them and to connect to them.
> Everybody has their team of guides in the higher dimensions
Citation needed.
I'd rather be reminded that we share the planet with 7.9 billion other humans. A tiny planet all alone in an immense universe.
On this planet we are all alone, together.
Citation needed.
I'd rather be reminded that we share the planet with 7.9 billion other humans. A tiny planet all alone in an immense universe.
On this planet we are all alone, together.
> Citation needed.
_Experience needed_ is what you're actually saying. For those living exclusively in the material dimension and who are thus having a hard time with the subtle dimensions, psychedelics may give you that break-through experience that you need as a starting point.
_Experience needed_ is what you're actually saying. For those living exclusively in the material dimension and who are thus having a hard time with the subtle dimensions, psychedelics may give you that break-through experience that you need as a starting point.
Thanks for pointing out something not so obvious for everyone. I'm trying hard to stay connected. Peace.
If you're reading this don't take this advice, its really bad. Unless you don't believe in anything, you have to believe in something. If you can't believe in yourself, mythical beings isn't a terrible place to start.
Yikes
Yeah, telling someone to believe in themselves instead of higher dimensional beings is such a terrible thing.
> believe in themselves instead of higher dimensional beings
Note:
It's not about not believing in yourself.
It's about acquiring the certainty that you are actually linked to the benevolent beings in the higher dimensions. Once you realize this, you can get immense help/guidance/information/capabilities. In short: It's about _empowering_ yourself, not _limiting_ yourself.
Note:
It's not about not believing in yourself.
It's about acquiring the certainty that you are actually linked to the benevolent beings in the higher dimensions. Once you realize this, you can get immense help/guidance/information/capabilities. In short: It's about _empowering_ yourself, not _limiting_ yourself.
Yikes.
Solitary here too. I like being alone, but I do require a little "punctuation" throughout the year when I see people. It's a shame that gatherings seem to require an excuse or some big event and can't just be "because I haven't seen you for a while". Maybe they can be. But I lack the social skills to make that happen. Also my latent social anxiety.
There are also those who have lost many loved ones...
For those, Christmas is a mix of happiness and sadness. Happiness if there is someone left with who to share our life with, sadness for missing those who left...
You're not alone either!
For those, Christmas is a mix of happiness and sadness. Happiness if there is someone left with who to share our life with, sadness for missing those who left...
You're not alone either!
This year has been rough. The antiviral pills are just getting approved, seem to be effective. There's a chance we'll get back to normal in the new year. Merry Christmas!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UEaKX9YYHiQ
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UEaKX9YYHiQ
My guess is we will be able to come to a definitive answer by next year March if we go by the cyclic nature of this.
Well, we’re alone. Let’s not trivialize it. But we should also try to normalize loneliness more and accept people who are in such situations. Potentially accepting that they don’t want to be in that situation and building a culture around bringing people together who don’t have a family, large group of close friends, etc.
I’m in the same boat. I have friends but they’re spread out through the country. On top of that - most of them spend time with their families during these holidays. I’m the weird one who is estranged from his entire family, has few friends nearby, and is now single. It used to be I spent this time of the year traveling the world and spending my Christmas with my ex. But I’ll be spending the next few christmases alone while I try to find another partner.
I’m in the same boat. I have friends but they’re spread out through the country. On top of that - most of them spend time with their families during these holidays. I’m the weird one who is estranged from his entire family, has few friends nearby, and is now single. It used to be I spent this time of the year traveling the world and spending my Christmas with my ex. But I’ll be spending the next few christmases alone while I try to find another partner.
I understand you OP. I'll add a little bit of my story hoping it would comfort you or people in similar situations.
I went through a divorce with a massive emotional rollercoaster which devastated me for a few years. Lost excellent job/research opportunities/offers. Lost contact with family, friends and mates. Got social anxiety, avoided people and felt unprecedentedly alone. Life pushed me off my limits and left me crushed and helpless.
But I survied. Got a deeper appreciation for good things in life. For time, for loved ones, for humans, for I am one. Tried my luck with a new job, joined again some communities recovered some of my old hobbies and good habits. I got to know myself better.
The thing is, it will pass. What helped me was deriving value from within and jogging.
I wish you luck and Merry Christmas!
I went through a divorce with a massive emotional rollercoaster which devastated me for a few years. Lost excellent job/research opportunities/offers. Lost contact with family, friends and mates. Got social anxiety, avoided people and felt unprecedentedly alone. Life pushed me off my limits and left me crushed and helpless.
But I survied. Got a deeper appreciation for good things in life. For time, for loved ones, for humans, for I am one. Tried my luck with a new job, joined again some communities recovered some of my old hobbies and good habits. I got to know myself better.
The thing is, it will pass. What helped me was deriving value from within and jogging.
I wish you luck and Merry Christmas!
When I was a teenager (12-18) I often did meditation during 23:30 - 0:10 for new year countdown, pretty calm transition. And taking a walk (or running) 5:00am - 7:00am in the morning on Jan 1, it's pretty great start of new year. Recommended for lone wolf!
I hope I'm alone, or someone is getting a free show. I'm not wearing pants.
Also, Merry Christmas!
Also, Merry Christmas!
Go live on twitch! Oh oh oh
I have family at home so I’m not alone on a personal level. But in business, my co-founders have been gone for two years now. One silently sulking and one more or less retired. I’ve gone on to keep everything running for the sake of our employees but I feel a bit more like Scrooge in his counting house each year when I’m chugging along on Christmas Eve.
As an ecomm play, the holidays are also mark the end of our busy season. So it’s a lot at once, but I try to keep in mind that I am still happier working for myself than I ever was working for someone else. I am also so grateful for all the joy we bring to the world.
As an ecomm play, the holidays are also mark the end of our busy season. So it’s a lot at once, but I try to keep in mind that I am still happier working for myself than I ever was working for someone else. I am also so grateful for all the joy we bring to the world.
Right back at you. Not an easy day to be alone. Don't do anything silly people. Call someone you care about if you can.
Thanks. You too. I lost my partner of 3.5 years recently and this will be my first Christmas since it happened. I'm with family but it doesn't come anywhere close to filling the hole they left.
Merry christmas.
Merry christmas.
Each Christmas Eve, I watch The Muppet Christmas Carol as a personal tradition. This year, this exchange with the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come stood out to me:
>Scrooge: Oh, Spirit. Must there be a Christmas that brings this awful scene? How can they endure it?
>Bob Crachit: It's all right, children. Life is made up of meetings and partings. That is the way of it. I am sure we shall never forget Tiny Tim or this first parting that there was among us.
I don't know how you can endure it, and I don't know how you can fill that hole. I'm sorry you have to go through this.
>Scrooge: Oh, Spirit. Must there be a Christmas that brings this awful scene? How can they endure it?
>Bob Crachit: It's all right, children. Life is made up of meetings and partings. That is the way of it. I am sure we shall never forget Tiny Tim or this first parting that there was among us.
I don't know how you can endure it, and I don't know how you can fill that hole. I'm sorry you have to go through this.
At some point I realized that the thing that bothered me about being alone was not the fact that I was alone, but that other people were not.
Actually, I am quite content by myself. It was sort of an ego/"am I not good enough for someone else" feeling that made me feel negative. But, that is not a good reason to enter a relationship with someone.
On balance, would I enjoy being in a relationship with someone? Questionable. I quite like the contentment, quietude, and freedom that comes with living by myself.
In either case, not worth agonizing over.
Actually, I am quite content by myself. It was sort of an ego/"am I not good enough for someone else" feeling that made me feel negative. But, that is not a good reason to enter a relationship with someone.
On balance, would I enjoy being in a relationship with someone? Questionable. I quite like the contentment, quietude, and freedom that comes with living by myself.
In either case, not worth agonizing over.
Thank you for doing this! It’s so important to reach out to be seen to be connected.
If anyone is alone and wants to shoot the shit to get through this holiday email me terminal dot recluse at gmail dot com
If anyone is alone and wants to shoot the shit to get through this holiday email me terminal dot recluse at gmail dot com
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays everyone!
I'm an only child with a very small family, so our holidays were just me, mom, and dad. Growing up (and even a little bit today) I always felt lonely, especially when comparing our family to all the large Irish and Italian families that I went to grade school with.
But the older I get, the more I focus on just being grateful for the time I still have with them. It does make me sad to think of when they pass away (my dad is 74 with health conditions).
Virtual hugs to you all.
I'm an only child with a very small family, so our holidays were just me, mom, and dad. Growing up (and even a little bit today) I always felt lonely, especially when comparing our family to all the large Irish and Italian families that I went to grade school with.
But the older I get, the more I focus on just being grateful for the time I still have with them. It does make me sad to think of when they pass away (my dad is 74 with health conditions).
Virtual hugs to you all.
I am spending Christmas 'alone' , but together with a bunch of solo travellers on a backpacking trip. My loneliness was a result of US visa regulations cancelling my plans to meet my loved ones, but I do wonder about all of my other co-travellers.
They're bunch of white Americans aged 40-70? for whom Christmas would usually be a big day. I dont know them well enough to ask personal questions about family, but a backpacking crew does feel like comforting place to be 'alone'.
America's holidays are so strongly tied to the last week of Dec (24-31), that not having any plans can feel really isolating even if you don't care for Christmas. Calling friends on that long week to ask to hang out and repeatedly realizing that everyone has 'plans', can make you feel super left out.
For a while I did wonder if I was being actively left out. Then realized that being a single guy without family in the US means having to find the few others like you who WILL make plans in November. Either seek them out or lead the planning efforts. But, trying to find a plan to hop on into in December is a terrible idea.
They're bunch of white Americans aged 40-70? for whom Christmas would usually be a big day. I dont know them well enough to ask personal questions about family, but a backpacking crew does feel like comforting place to be 'alone'.
America's holidays are so strongly tied to the last week of Dec (24-31), that not having any plans can feel really isolating even if you don't care for Christmas. Calling friends on that long week to ask to hang out and repeatedly realizing that everyone has 'plans', can make you feel super left out.
For a while I did wonder if I was being actively left out. Then realized that being a single guy without family in the US means having to find the few others like you who WILL make plans in November. Either seek them out or lead the planning efforts. But, trying to find a plan to hop on into in December is a terrible idea.
On the plus side, holiday time off provides ample time to address problems, to lay the groundwork for a different-- I won't say better-- tomorrow.
This is a great post and a reminder that HN is a great platform / community.
It also seems like a reminder that the internet really does have the power to bring people together in meaningful substantive ways.
Especially when there are still social platforms that allow for clear minimally augmented communication between individuals.
Thank you for the inspiring post and thank you HN for an inspiring year!
It also seems like a reminder that the internet really does have the power to bring people together in meaningful substantive ways.
Especially when there are still social platforms that allow for clear minimally augmented communication between individuals.
Thank you for the inspiring post and thank you HN for an inspiring year!
I do not intend to ruin the mood, but these kind of posts are available on Facebook as well (there are A LOT of them), but we would not call that a great platform. :P
Dubliners are welcome to join our get together tonight, shoot me an email!
But do you have a venue? Wouldn't everything be closed?
Hosting a small dinner at my house. :)
I feel you and hug back. To me, celebrations and gatherings were always more stressful and awkward rather than fun and something to look forward to, but at least I got to see what friends and family I had. After moving cities, the only people who I talk to eye to eye are coworkers and service personnel, state holidays became extra weekends.
[deleted]
I often wish HN had an official forum, or even a discord, where people could discuss whatever and not just trending articles. There are many like minded people here, so it feels like it could be more of an online community than it is right now.
Anyway, indeed, virtual hugs to those alone these holidays!
Anyway, indeed, virtual hugs to those alone these holidays!
If you're reading this, you're welcome in Christmas spirit to my house with my wife and two little ones and our little Christmas tree and our piano. We'll be doing our best to keep the kids busy as we have been and will be this long holiday break from school :)
Fortunately I have never been alone at Christmas, but plenty New Years Eves. I think I can relate but I think these events are quite different, one is mostly about family, and the other mostly about friends. Wish you a pleasant holiday no matter where you are.
Thank you. I am alone but more happy than most others. Because I am free from internal and external vices. That is the true message behind Christmas. Let us celebrate each and every moment of our lives. May all always be very happy and healthy.
A holiday is only as important as you make it. There are lots of people who don't give a damn about which holiday it is because it bears no meaning to them and still are perfectly chilled friends. There is nothing wrong with that
I'm visiting my parents in a few hours and it's probably going to suck. We've really been drifting apart since they found out I was vaccinated and actually taking Covid seriously. Ugly things were said about me being a dumb sheep brainwashed by uni education etc.
Anyway, I'm joining the virtual all-HN hug. Some people have it worse, and if you (the person reading this) are one of those people, I want you to know that you matter and I want you to be safe and know that whatever is going on WILL blow over one day.
If it helps to make you feel better, feel free to write me an email (contact in profile) about the things on your mind.
Anyway, I'm joining the virtual all-HN hug. Some people have it worse, and if you (the person reading this) are one of those people, I want you to know that you matter and I want you to be safe and know that whatever is going on WILL blow over one day.
If it helps to make you feel better, feel free to write me an email (contact in profile) about the things on your mind.
[deleted]
If your views on Covid overrule your parents love for you then there wasn’t much love in the first place.
I know what you mean, but this is actually not the case. I had a wonderful childhood and my parents are caring, loving people who supported me throughout uni and have always been, I believe, quite proud of me. Somewhere around 2019-2020 they both got hit by this huge wall of Qanon, pro-Russia and later anti-vax propaganda all mixed together into one clusterfuck conspiracy theory and they've been riding that wave since. That's the most terrifying thing about all this, they're both very normal and above-average intelligent people, my mum even has a master's degree.
It is astonishing to me as well that conspiracy theories can fool even well educated intelligent people. I guess that the real reason why is because people are not that rational. Most human decisions are driven by values/feelings and then rationalised after the fact. That’s why you can have equally educated/intelligent people violently disagreeing about the interpretation of the same facts. This might help: https://streetepistemology.com/
Your situation is way more common than you probably think. My IRC and discord channels have been very lively in the past 24h. Lots of shared good mood by people celebrating "alone by body, but not by mind".
Same here, my plan for today is JWST launch, junk food, video games (I got into Battle Brothers, it keeps kicking my ass) and possibly a video call with family later today. Enjoy your December 25th people!
My take on this is that the stigma of being alone is based on false premises. All it takes is to prioritize other things a little bit like your work, your side projects, your own beliefs, or even self-respect, over social efforts.
Another aspect I will put out there is that often these days the people we have the most in common with are just on the internet and not physically nearby. I think it's quite wrong to think that online interactions aren't meaningful.
Another aspect I will put out there is that often these days the people we have the most in common with are just on the internet and not physically nearby. I think it's quite wrong to think that online interactions aren't meaningful.
Very nice.
My family is having a quarantine Christmas. We’ll be done on Monday.
My family is having a quarantine Christmas. We’ll be done on Monday.
New video, released two days ago, for an old Joni Mitchell song, River:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OLHxxBTl71I
> "River expresses regret at the end of a relationship... but it's also about being lonely at Christmas time... A Christmas song for people who are lonely at Christmas! We need a song like that." — Joni Mitchell
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OLHxxBTl71I
> "River expresses regret at the end of a relationship... but it's also about being lonely at Christmas time... A Christmas song for people who are lonely at Christmas! We need a song like that." — Joni Mitchell
Not in the same situation, but could have been so due to a very set of dark moments during 2021 that also made this Christmas a very sad one to myself.
Have a big virtual hug.
Have a big virtual hug.
Thank you so much for this.
I just had a Christmas dinner alone spiraling on how much of a failure i am given my horrible social skill. But this really cheer me up!
I just had a Christmas dinner alone spiraling on how much of a failure i am given my horrible social skill. But this really cheer me up!
Good luck to all those who're lonely and sad about it. Hopefully this won't last, or you'll find a way to make the best of it.
If you're in a position to have a sense of humor about it, think about how you're skipping all the Christmas diner conversations that are going to be even tougher this year, now that the world has turned into a real-life Facebook argument !
Cheers and take care of yourselves !
If you're in a position to have a sense of humor about it, think about how you're skipping all the Christmas diner conversations that are going to be even tougher this year, now that the world has turned into a real-life Facebook argument !
Cheers and take care of yourselves !
Nobody should feel alone at Christmas. If anyone needs someone to talk to, about anything at all, feel free to contact me. Details in my profile.
I'm in the same boat, no family or friends to share with. It's been a wet and dreary day here in NJ, spent all of it outside.
The sun came out for a few minutes, and grabbed a steak from the freezer. It's gone away again now, but too late. Screw it, I'm barbequing myself a steak for Christmas.
All of you out there alone today, enjoy. Get out that (perhaps metaphorical) steak of yours and enjoy.
The sun came out for a few minutes, and grabbed a steak from the freezer. It's gone away again now, but too late. Screw it, I'm barbequing myself a steak for Christmas.
All of you out there alone today, enjoy. Get out that (perhaps metaphorical) steak of yours and enjoy.
I'm looking to move and work in the US this year, together with my wife (she's a phd, I'm a dropout, both coming from the EU). Our plan is to grow a remote dev team to build cool products. We have access to professionals and can also tap into universities for promising students. If anyone feels like Santa, I can share my Linkedin profile. Best wishes
I am inviting you to come to my family! From "UK" in your username I see you are just one Ryan Air flight away from us...
My thoughts are with you and everyone else.
I love you all.
The H in hackernews can sometimes also mean, Human , Human News.
We're actually running a virtual party right now for people who happen to be in front of their screens this xmas. Feel free to join, say hi and have a coffee with us! - https://flat.social/f/hn-virtual-xmas
Meh, I have been alone for like 18 straight Christmas. Life goes on. BTW dont believe the people saying "I care about you" "Feel free to reach me by email", that's an exercise in showing off. If you think you cant cope, contact a professional who can help you, not a rando on the Internet.
I got engaged to my girlfriend this year. Our christmas is going to be just us and my best friend whose decided she just can't with her antivax family during a covid-era family gathering. Not what I was expecting from the holidays, but also a reminder that family that you build yourself is just as valid!
Merry Christmas OP. I'm not a christian and I wasn't feeling particularly odd about being alone today as compared to any other day. I had delicious Foul, Zaatar Manakish and Falafel in the breakfast today. The rest of the day couldn't be any better either
Sending you a virtual hug nonetheless :)
Sending you a virtual hug nonetheless :)
I am too. But I wanted to be this year. I could be with family right now. I don't want to be. There's only 1 person I wish was here, but that person had prior commitments today, and that's OK. I just have to wait a few days.
I'm having a good Christmas alone.
I'm having a good Christmas alone.
Well, being a religious event, I have to say that happiness while being alone is actually a gift from God. My kids have jobs and their mom doesn't crab at me anymore, Yay!!! I'm going to read the news, have breakfast and play some video games.
I am terrified of being alone. Thankfully I have a bunch of good friends but it's been hard to meet them due to covid.
Is it better to be alone or be in a relationship that you are sort of okay with and not completely happy with it?
Interesting. I have the exact opposite situation. I would love a December without Christmas. Once my kids are older, I'll be opting out of the holiday permanently, and I'll probably start going away for the whole month of December.
Thanks for this post. As alone as one could be this Christmas. Family over 8000km away, and no real friends or significant other to spend it with. Have a huge deadline on January 6th but I cant bring myself to work any more for that today.
Hey, I didn’t even think of it before reading this post. Hug to everyone who did!
That’s very sweet, thanks! I’m dealing with the loss of my father and the holiday season just feels a lot more...poignant? sobering? I wish the timeline for grief weren’t as protracted as it seems to be
Merry Christmas to all my Navy brothers and sisters stuck underwater on a submarine today! Hopefully the galley cook saved something good for a nice Christmas dinner
I feel you. Haven’t been with my family for almost three years now, although I’m lucky I have my wife and children with me. Let’s hope next year gets better!
There's nothing wrong in being alone. Some (mostly narcissistic assholes) even pay for fancy "spiritual" retreats and what not.
The time around christmas and new year is always a great time for diving into personal projects while taking the minimum time off..
There are a lot of Christmas streams you can go and watch today. Who needs family when you have online friends to hang out with.
[deleted]
Thank you so much for this! I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas spending it exactly the way you want to.
Happy Christmas
I’m in the same position, but it’s okay.
Have a virtual hug back! And a virtual hug to anyone else who needs it!!
Have a virtual hug back! And a virtual hug to anyone else who needs it!!
yes, you are not alone man... me too, still had family but no friends, but it's okay :)
You are not alone!
But take some time to make a nice dinner if you can. Little things make a big difference.
Merry Christmas.
But take some time to make a nice dinner if you can. Little things make a big difference.
Merry Christmas.
Virtual hugs all around! Hope everyone has a more favorable time ahead of them next year.
Thanks, pretty much same for me.
Merry Christmas all! And remember no one is truly lonely.
Have a virtual hug from me. Love you all
Have a virtual hug from me. Love you all
You're never alone with the best Christmas movie ever made, Die Hard.
Being alone is underrated.
I ve lost my love and my mental health is deteriorating
I really hope things get better
I really hope things get better
Last year, I got caught in a divorce. If my experience is of any consolation, it will get better, I promise.
it feels like its getting worse
and its all my fault!!!
and its all my fault!!!
Sending Virtual Hugs Bro. Sending you best wishes for the Next Year.
Love you all, HN. Virtual hug right back. Merry Christmas :)
Thanks for the hug OP, right back at you. Happy Christmas
Hey thanks for this, super nice gesture. Some of the stories posted really touched me.
I am alone too, but to be completely honest, I actually am kind of relieved. The holidays were always a stressful time for me, our family dynamic is not very good and now after 2 years, everyone is drifting apart, and it's kind of a relief.
I am going to be doing a little virtual celebration and chatting online with a couple of friends but other than that, no stressful travel, no stressful family gatherings, no listening to racist right-wing rants from ignorant relatives, no rushing around to get ready for the holidays.
Actually, I am kind of digging this.
I am alone too, but to be completely honest, I actually am kind of relieved. The holidays were always a stressful time for me, our family dynamic is not very good and now after 2 years, everyone is drifting apart, and it's kind of a relief.
I am going to be doing a little virtual celebration and chatting online with a couple of friends but other than that, no stressful travel, no stressful family gatherings, no listening to racist right-wing rants from ignorant relatives, no rushing around to get ready for the holidays.
Actually, I am kind of digging this.
thanks, really
Virtual hug from me across the pond!
Thanks, one warm hug for your too
Exact same man, call your family
And a virtual hug back at ya!
>:D<
Virtual Hug back <3
Bah humbug!
<3
Who cares. There are 364 other days
Even if I'm unvaccinated?
Merry Christmas to you too.
Merry Christmas to you too.
[deleted]
thanks, really)
I think this whole christmas thing makes a lot of people feel alone and depressed. I hate that. Posts like these make me think this even more. I am alone, and I like it. I can play Warzone and code some stuff I wanted to finish. I can do things I like. I know this may sound stupid, but if you feel alone, don't. There is no reason to. It's just a day like many others. There is really nothing to it.
And we don't need "Christmas" for a virtual hug. We can do that every day of the year.
And we don't need "Christmas" for a virtual hug. We can do that every day of the year.
You might think you are helping people, but you are not.
You can't argue against solitude. If people feel alone, it's because they would like to be around others, but can't.
Telling them not to feel that way "just because" is useless, and telling them they should feel like you do because you decided it's better is just condescending.
You can't argue against solitude. If people feel alone, it's because they would like to be around others, but can't.
Telling them not to feel that way "just because" is useless, and telling them they should feel like you do because you decided it's better is just condescending.
Being christmas I feel being charitable is apropos. You're right, and GP means well.
> If people feel alone, it's because they would like to be around others, but can't.
Partly. People may genuinely want to be alone, but the culture spewed by the media says that everyone is social and happy and warm and fuzzy this time of the year, like, they must be, to the point where it's wrong not to be. Hollywood-style culture has done many numbers on society, this is one of them.
Partly. People may genuinely want to be alone, but the culture spewed by the media says that everyone is social and happy and warm and fuzzy this time of the year, like, they must be, to the point where it's wrong not to be. Hollywood-style culture has done many numbers on society, this is one of them.
It depends on your perspective. The extant reality is that we are all alone, although we perform incredible feats of mental gymnastics to convince ourselves otherwise.
OP has decided to simply rip off the band-aid, and accept reality. This is very painful in the short term, but incredible fulfilling in the long-term.
Human existence is individual existence. Human survival is group survival, but that is another matter entirely. Presently, our societies are not structured to incentivize survival (quite the opposite, in fact). The dissatisfaction expressed in this discussion is a result of this dissonance. However, individuals can rarely alter the behavior of society, and as such, investing one's energies in this direction is often destructive. This iteration of society will cease to exist, and the society which survives it will by necessity value relationships and fecundity. However, societies can stay unhealthy far longer than individuals can remain sane. Therefore, it is best to accept solitude, and be pleasantly surprised, than to dread it and suffer.
OP has decided to simply rip off the band-aid, and accept reality. This is very painful in the short term, but incredible fulfilling in the long-term.
Human existence is individual existence. Human survival is group survival, but that is another matter entirely. Presently, our societies are not structured to incentivize survival (quite the opposite, in fact). The dissatisfaction expressed in this discussion is a result of this dissonance. However, individuals can rarely alter the behavior of society, and as such, investing one's energies in this direction is often destructive. This iteration of society will cease to exist, and the society which survives it will by necessity value relationships and fecundity. However, societies can stay unhealthy far longer than individuals can remain sane. Therefore, it is best to accept solitude, and be pleasantly surprised, than to dread it and suffer.
> It's just a day like many others. There is really nothing to it.
For most of the western world and all the countries where Christmas is a big holiday season, it’s just not a day like any other. It’s one of those few times in a year when families get together, and in the case of the above mentioned countries, people travel far to meet and be with others. The people who do this may not be Christian or believe in Christmas either, but it’s traditionally become a time to meet and spend time with others. Since a lot of the world population lives in the Northern Hemisphere, where it’s usually winter (like) time around Christmas and kinda cold and/or gloomy, it makes a lot of sense for a species like homo sapiens to spend time indoors with others and find some comfort that they cannot readily find stepping outside.
I’m not saying that all this is universally true, but at this time, wherever you find people either trying to be with family and extended family or are unhappy that they aren’t able to, this is the culture. Anyone who doesn’t feel this way could potentially be made to feel as the odd one out or feel excluded from communities.
Considering how the nearly two-year-long pandemic has turned social lives and traditions into non-events, I think we need to comfort people virtually. It costs almost nothing.
For most of the western world and all the countries where Christmas is a big holiday season, it’s just not a day like any other. It’s one of those few times in a year when families get together, and in the case of the above mentioned countries, people travel far to meet and be with others. The people who do this may not be Christian or believe in Christmas either, but it’s traditionally become a time to meet and spend time with others. Since a lot of the world population lives in the Northern Hemisphere, where it’s usually winter (like) time around Christmas and kinda cold and/or gloomy, it makes a lot of sense for a species like homo sapiens to spend time indoors with others and find some comfort that they cannot readily find stepping outside.
I’m not saying that all this is universally true, but at this time, wherever you find people either trying to be with family and extended family or are unhappy that they aren’t able to, this is the culture. Anyone who doesn’t feel this way could potentially be made to feel as the odd one out or feel excluded from communities.
Considering how the nearly two-year-long pandemic has turned social lives and traditions into non-events, I think we need to comfort people virtually. It costs almost nothing.
Definitely.
It's also not helping that Facebook seems to be shadowbanning me sometimes and not showing my content to my own friends.
This seems to be a new widespread problem since a couple months ago, because I click into some friends' profiles and see things that were never in my feed on those days.
It's also not helping that Facebook seems to be shadowbanning me sometimes and not showing my content to my own friends.
This seems to be a new widespread problem since a couple months ago, because I click into some friends' profiles and see things that were never in my feed on those days.
Agreed, posts like this exacerbate the feeling of being alone.
I'm alone this Christmas, and it's bloody great, a morning of simracing, followed by pizza and a nap then maybe watch die hard.
A large proportion of people seem to make the assumption that being with family is amazing and everyone should do it. But if your family are largely arseholes, then why waste your time and energy?
I'm alone this Christmas, and it's bloody great, a morning of simracing, followed by pizza and a nap then maybe watch die hard.
A large proportion of people seem to make the assumption that being with family is amazing and everyone should do it. But if your family are largely arseholes, then why waste your time and energy?
This so much. My wife and son are in France with the parents in-law. I refused to go because racism and bigotry and, and, and... I have also loved being alone my entire life. I made a bird feeder this morning.
Good work, happy birds!
>refuse [...] because of bigotry
I think you might need to reevaluate either your word choice or your perceptions
I think you might need to reevaluate either your word choice or your perceptions
I get your point of view, but for a lot of people it's not. Friends leave for family, life comes to a hold in a lot of countries (shops closed etc.) and the whole vibe created around this day screams togetherness (family, friends, and so on). Some people don't need it. But there can be people that feel left out, although they like to be left alone, because everyone suddenly adjusts to that time and they don't.
What I'm trying to say, why do we not just take posts like these and accept that it can do something positive for people. Nothing more nothing less. This bit by Ricky Gervais perfectly sums your post up for me: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L3dxMGzt5mU
What I'm trying to say, why do we not just take posts like these and accept that it can do something positive for people. Nothing more nothing less. This bit by Ricky Gervais perfectly sums your post up for me: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L3dxMGzt5mU
It's a weird feeling. I like to be alone but I don't know, this Christmas I have the weird feeling of mix of sadness and loneliness. Usually I don't care, but somehow this stuff comes to me. Even that those are not my first, second or even third Christmas alone, I don't celebrate them, and I'm atheist.
People even those that like being alone or have a hard time with others (I have family members like this), sometimes like being social. The short days of winter effect some people (vitamin D?) and
I think the pandemic has exacerbated this. I notice a lot of the little interactions I used to have are gone although not really deep I miss them.
I have been feeling the same, and I'm in the same situation on all accounts. I think it may be all that has been going on the past months is just starting to now manifest itself in these feelings.
I also noticed that in instances where the one or two families still home on my block who had friends or family pull up I felt kind of envious, which has never happened before.
I also noticed that in instances where the one or two families still home on my block who had friends or family pull up I felt kind of envious, which has never happened before.
I have the weird feeling of mix of sadness and loneliness
I think everyone has that to a different extent during the holidays.
I am very much not alone but for many of us this time of year made quite a positive impression on us when we were a kid. It’s hard not to yearn for those days especially if we’ve lost a parent or other family member in the interim.
I think everyone has that to a different extent during the holidays.
I am very much not alone but for many of us this time of year made quite a positive impression on us when we were a kid. It’s hard not to yearn for those days especially if we’ve lost a parent or other family member in the interim.
> I think this whole christmas thing makes a lot of people feel alone and depressed. I hate that.
My children think “this whole Christmas thing” is the very best day of the year. And there is nothing that brings me more joy than watching them make memories they’ll cherish all of their days - memories like the ones I made when I was a kid. So no, it is not a day like many others. It’s Christmas, and it’s special to me and mine.
I have genuine sadness that you don’t share in the same joy my children experience in the the wonder and joy this Holiday brings. But I find it contemptible that you would diminish the joy others have in Christmas in order to justify your own malcontent.
Other people’s joy is not your problem and not something that needs fixing.
My children think “this whole Christmas thing” is the very best day of the year. And there is nothing that brings me more joy than watching them make memories they’ll cherish all of their days - memories like the ones I made when I was a kid. So no, it is not a day like many others. It’s Christmas, and it’s special to me and mine.
I have genuine sadness that you don’t share in the same joy my children experience in the the wonder and joy this Holiday brings. But I find it contemptible that you would diminish the joy others have in Christmas in order to justify your own malcontent.
Other people’s joy is not your problem and not something that needs fixing.
Almost every major holiday is hyper commercialized and stresses people being together and buying things for each other, etc… so from that standpoint it definitely exacerbates the feeling of loneliness for some who can’t/don’t participate. But I don’t think telling someone to just “not feel alone” is a viable solution. Loneliness and being alone are different things. Plenty of people love being alone and in their own thing, plenty of people do not love being lonely.
I kind of don't like gift giving... I feel stressed trying to like gifts that were given to me that I don't need (In general im bothered by unnecessary plastic and consumerism, im kind of minimal) If i do want something I know what particular thing i want and just get it my self. i get stressed by gift giving, trying to pick something worth while and something someone wants.
I took the post as just being part of any other day, it just coincidentally happened that it's Christmas, and out of the blue after my partner of four years with whom I had planned to move across the ocean, buy a house and have kids with, broke up with me yesterday. I think you have a solid point, that there's no reason to put holidays on a pedestal. But in this case, hey, who cares -- it really helped to read everything people here had to say. Being suddenly alone and without familiar warmth makes NYC feel so desperately lonely.
People can be "alone" but not feel "lonely".
But you can definitely still feel "lonely" both while being alone and around others
I think this post addresses the feeling of loneliness rather than any specific alone/not alone situation. And feelings are really hard to get rid of, so it's not actually that easy to just "not feel" something.
Feelings like this should be analysed, understood and maybe slowly accepted as part of life, and then people usually can find some kind of peace and happiness.
I think this post addresses the feeling of loneliness rather than any specific alone/not alone situation. And feelings are really hard to get rid of, so it's not actually that easy to just "not feel" something.
Feelings like this should be analysed, understood and maybe slowly accepted as part of life, and then people usually can find some kind of peace and happiness.
Organizing a Christmas virtual video drop-in meeting of folks feeling isolated sounds like a worthy way to offer some company
XMass is just an artificially distinctive day designed to sell more stuff to people. Why do guys even care about being or not being alone?
Christmas is ancient. As long as there has been winter, people have had a festival during its deepest depths, to remind them that the spring will come.
Much of the Christmas tradition is pagan/roman:
https://www.britannica.com/story/why-is-christmas-in-decembe...
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saturnalia
https://www.britannica.com/story/why-is-christmas-in-decembe...
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saturnalia
haha, reminded me of one of the best scenes(IMHO) of BBT https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=38x6kWB-xD4&ab_channel=JoshG
Don’t forget on the other side of the planet is summer :)
For most people that celebrate the holiday, it's a day to spend time with friends and family. I am not Christian, but I still celebrate the holiday with my family. It's the only time of year I see certain family members. It's a convenient time to do this because everyone else is taking time off to do the same.
If someone is used to do doing this and is unable to, it's not hard to see why they would feel lonely.
I chose not to visit with friends and family last year due to covid but I didn't feel lonely. I observed some of my usual traditions like preparing some fancier than usual food and drink, zoomed and played games online with friends and family and had a nice and relaxing day.
If someone is used to do doing this and is unable to, it's not hard to see why they would feel lonely.
I chose not to visit with friends and family last year due to covid but I didn't feel lonely. I observed some of my usual traditions like preparing some fancier than usual food and drink, zoomed and played games online with friends and family and had a nice and relaxing day.
This is people being people. Choosing to be merry on a day that they somehow found a way to assign a meaning to. You could argue that this is not a choice but for many it is.
One could choose another day, it just happens to be this day. :)
One could choose another day, it just happens to be this day. :)
I hear what you're saying, OP. Also spending Christmas alone here, but to me it's just another day too. Also, I'm not really a fan of Christmas anyway.
We're bombarded with so many messages about Christmas being a time of happiness and togetherness, but it's with false intent; it's mostly all about guilting people into buying unnecessary consumer products for their loved ones, and increasing revenues for retailers.
Christmas was stolen from the Christians and had the act of collective worship for their saviour - a genuine feeling of coming together as one with a community - replaced with secular commercialism.
The modern icon of Christmas, Santa Claus, favours the rich above the poor, is used to promote a narrow and capitalist view of a worthwhile family time, and wasn't even crucified. Even as an atheist, I feel quite bad for the Christians that their festival has been upended with this nonsense.
These days, I only wish Christians a Merry Christmas. Everyone else can just enjoy their Happy Holidays or Good Winterval or whatever.
We're bombarded with so many messages about Christmas being a time of happiness and togetherness, but it's with false intent; it's mostly all about guilting people into buying unnecessary consumer products for their loved ones, and increasing revenues for retailers.
Christmas was stolen from the Christians and had the act of collective worship for their saviour - a genuine feeling of coming together as one with a community - replaced with secular commercialism.
The modern icon of Christmas, Santa Claus, favours the rich above the poor, is used to promote a narrow and capitalist view of a worthwhile family time, and wasn't even crucified. Even as an atheist, I feel quite bad for the Christians that their festival has been upended with this nonsense.
These days, I only wish Christians a Merry Christmas. Everyone else can just enjoy their Happy Holidays or Good Winterval or whatever.
I think we are more alone than ever, as a virtual hug is not an actual hug.
Better would be for us to stop being delusional and try harder to find a way to live in a real community where we can feel each other's warmth again.
Thanks for the good intention, and a Merry Christmas to all.
Thanks for the good intention, and a Merry Christmas to all.