Ask HN: How to make friends in your 30s?
19 comments
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“First, you need to find some interests, some hobbies, some passions etc., so that you can contribute meaningfully to conversations. Meeting like-minded people then becomes very easy and very natural, since you can attend events (even virtual ones) where nearly everyone enjoys what you enjoy, and most will want to talk about it, or engage in some way.
But it turns out that it takes some work to discover these interests, hobbies, passions, etc.”
From: https://moviewise.substack.com/p/movie-wisdom-on-making-frie...
But it turns out that it takes some work to discover these interests, hobbies, passions, etc.”
From: https://moviewise.substack.com/p/movie-wisdom-on-making-frie...
Honestly you have to be willing to 'buy' yourself some. Via paying for parties, trips, going out etc.
You can never replicate the bond that comes with being in school during teenage years and fighting a common enemy (eg. math teacher, principal etc), trying all sort of stuff together for the first time ever. Most people rightfully stick with such bonds because they are very strong and genuine, while you'll always be 'somebody I know' or 'somebody from work'
You might want to target people who had such bond collapse for one reason or another and are now kinda lost.
You can never replicate the bond that comes with being in school during teenage years and fighting a common enemy (eg. math teacher, principal etc), trying all sort of stuff together for the first time ever. Most people rightfully stick with such bonds because they are very strong and genuine, while you'll always be 'somebody I know' or 'somebody from work'
You might want to target people who had such bond collapse for one reason or another and are now kinda lost.
Another option: reach out to people you've known over the years but lost touch with. (Whether it's from school, past workplaces, places you lived...) The internet makes this surprisingly easy -- and you'll already have something to talk about. And some people do grow and become more interesting as the years roll along.
I second this! Sometimes you just click with someone you've only casually known on the internet or like a friend of a friend. I'm literally going to the beach with one of those people tomorrow, we met years ago through my college roommate and just kept in touch online.
> You can never replicate the bond that comes with being in school during teenage years
I suspect you have not asked middle aged men and women where their friends came from.
Some patterns I have seen for finding close friends after 20 are A: the group-of-us versus them (graduate intake, military intake), B: shared scary experience (first pregnancy, catastrophe, sickness), C: linked by children (kids parents, school, kids activities).
Also cities full of itinerants are much more welcoming to making new friendships (however the friendships often fade when people move away again).
Currently I am doing friends of friends - although I end up with a very diverse group of disconnected people.
I suspect you have not asked middle aged men and women where their friends came from.
Some patterns I have seen for finding close friends after 20 are A: the group-of-us versus them (graduate intake, military intake), B: shared scary experience (first pregnancy, catastrophe, sickness), C: linked by children (kids parents, school, kids activities).
Also cities full of itinerants are much more welcoming to making new friendships (however the friendships often fade when people move away again).
Currently I am doing friends of friends - although I end up with a very diverse group of disconnected people.
Find a hobby best something individualistic (competing with youself) with community feeling. E. G. Skateboarding, rock climbing.
Every time I've asked this myself (not here) or read/heard others asking this, the advice boils down to the following:
- Play casual/board games
- Play D&D/Magic the Gathering/niche games
- Play music (jam session, open mic, practice/learning)
- Play sports (league, informal, professional, up to you)
The above set requires that 1) you be interested or become interested in those activities; 2) you are able and willing to find others to do it with you, without feeling any sense of intruding upon an existing clique; 3) you aren't uncomfortable around the people you find.
The next set is:
- Go to temple/church/synagogue/mosque/[insert your preferred term] and associated events
- Go to school/alumni events (if possible)
- Volunteer with local organizations
- Join a meetup.com (or similar) group
- Join short term classes/seminars (painting, wine tasting, ceramics, makerspaces, Home Depot learning sessions, community college/trade school, continuous education events in [insert your professional field])
- Join a gym or martial arts (or yoga, Tai Chi, etc.) class
This set costs more money and time, and has the same issues as the previous set, but you're less likely to encounter clique behavior (religion dependent) since there's usually either an understanding that everyone is paying for the experience or there's a sense of proselytization that encourages newcomers.
The next set is:
- Join a Discord/subreddit/IRC/whatever group
- Play video games
- Create a product/service and treat the customers as your new friends
This last set is highly effective in the short term, but is by nature less "real" and can lead to some serious struggle if you get too into parasocial behavior. Not bad for getting your foot in the door to meet others in a safe way to do things from the other sets, though.
The last set is:
- Run for political office
- Join "irl" activist/protest groups
- Join the military
- Get a job
This set will give the strongest sense of camaraderie with those you encounter, but will also cause the most grief if something goes wrong. Your mileage may vary.
Hope that helps somehow!
Postscript caveat: I've been collecting this list for decades now and tried nearly all of them at some point, and I am quite alone, but I recognize that's a "me" thing and that these suggestions are all quite valid otherwise!
- Play casual/board games
- Play D&D/Magic the Gathering/niche games
- Play music (jam session, open mic, practice/learning)
- Play sports (league, informal, professional, up to you)
The above set requires that 1) you be interested or become interested in those activities; 2) you are able and willing to find others to do it with you, without feeling any sense of intruding upon an existing clique; 3) you aren't uncomfortable around the people you find.
The next set is:
- Go to temple/church/synagogue/mosque/[insert your preferred term] and associated events
- Go to school/alumni events (if possible)
- Volunteer with local organizations
- Join a meetup.com (or similar) group
- Join short term classes/seminars (painting, wine tasting, ceramics, makerspaces, Home Depot learning sessions, community college/trade school, continuous education events in [insert your professional field])
- Join a gym or martial arts (or yoga, Tai Chi, etc.) class
This set costs more money and time, and has the same issues as the previous set, but you're less likely to encounter clique behavior (religion dependent) since there's usually either an understanding that everyone is paying for the experience or there's a sense of proselytization that encourages newcomers.
The next set is:
- Join a Discord/subreddit/IRC/whatever group
- Play video games
- Create a product/service and treat the customers as your new friends
This last set is highly effective in the short term, but is by nature less "real" and can lead to some serious struggle if you get too into parasocial behavior. Not bad for getting your foot in the door to meet others in a safe way to do things from the other sets, though.
The last set is:
- Run for political office
- Join "irl" activist/protest groups
- Join the military
- Get a job
This set will give the strongest sense of camaraderie with those you encounter, but will also cause the most grief if something goes wrong. Your mileage may vary.
Hope that helps somehow!
Postscript caveat: I've been collecting this list for decades now and tried nearly all of them at some point, and I am quite alone, but I recognize that's a "me" thing and that these suggestions are all quite valid otherwise!
Forgot to mention that (imo) "bar/pub" falls under the "[insert your favorite term]" part of the religious institution thing. Also fits in almost everywhere else, to some extent. I think I left it out because the experiences at such places are too varied to categorize.
This is a good list. I've tried stuff like this over the years (not because I need more friends, but just because I like socializing in different venues) and I'd annotate it some:
* Your first set tends to draw people with particular personalities because hobbies tend to draw people of similar personality types. (e.g. "crunchy" types to outdoors activities, "nerds" to D&D, etc, etc)
* Your second set tends to draw wide personality types but also tends to have lower "stickiness" since barrier to entry is low. I also find that while the group isn't cliquey as a whole, the members that become friends are a bit of a clique. e.g. there's a set of regular volunteers or the core team that organize the meetups. These work best if you stick to it.
* The third set tends to draw younger folk (assuming OP is in their 30s.) GenZ was the first generation to grow up mostly online so you'll find them in most Discords, subreddits, and video game communities. IRC though attracts a very certain type of 30+ nerd, and products/services also tend to skew older as people with the money to explore options tend to be older.
Also, if you already have friends I highly suggest asking your friends to invite you to parties/gatherings/potlucks. While I've found friends from all the above venues, meeting friends-of-friends has always worked out the best for me. But as always, YMMV.
There's also the raving scene. Older ravers tend to form friends easily since younger ravers are usually there just to get trashed with their friends. Not everyone likes raves though and that's okay too.
* Your first set tends to draw people with particular personalities because hobbies tend to draw people of similar personality types. (e.g. "crunchy" types to outdoors activities, "nerds" to D&D, etc, etc)
* Your second set tends to draw wide personality types but also tends to have lower "stickiness" since barrier to entry is low. I also find that while the group isn't cliquey as a whole, the members that become friends are a bit of a clique. e.g. there's a set of regular volunteers or the core team that organize the meetups. These work best if you stick to it.
* The third set tends to draw younger folk (assuming OP is in their 30s.) GenZ was the first generation to grow up mostly online so you'll find them in most Discords, subreddits, and video game communities. IRC though attracts a very certain type of 30+ nerd, and products/services also tend to skew older as people with the money to explore options tend to be older.
Also, if you already have friends I highly suggest asking your friends to invite you to parties/gatherings/potlucks. While I've found friends from all the above venues, meeting friends-of-friends has always worked out the best for me. But as always, YMMV.
There's also the raving scene. Older ravers tend to form friends easily since younger ravers are usually there just to get trashed with their friends. Not everyone likes raves though and that's okay too.
A couple of places: meetup.com, find a card shop that has game nights, go to events where there is other people and chat them up.
Become regular and once you start hanging out with the same people after awhile, then find things to do besides whatever brought you and them to that place.
Become regular and once you start hanging out with the same people after awhile, then find things to do besides whatever brought you and them to that place.
Going to church/bible study will give u an immediate group of friends to do stuff with
“Hey, I don’t believe any of this stuff, can we skip the Jesus talk and just hang out?
Surprisingly, the few groups ive been to are fairly relaxed. After the first hour of reading the Bible, they just hang out, have fun and do nothing related to religion
My apartment mate in NC, took bible study group as a last resort to meet some ladies (and with the end goal of getting laid)
Too bad they loved Jesus & chastity
Too bad they loved Jesus & chastity
Go back to school. Grad school, community college, language course or anything. You’ll have a higher chance of meeting people with similar interests.
Bumble app
Basically, create an "opposite sex" profile in some relationship site, connect with a bunch of people that share interesting stuff in common with you, and live nearby. Then tell them to meet the fake person at some restaurant/bar at the same time. Go in there at the defined time and act as if you were also lured by the person... once the dust settle, propose everyone to go for a drink with their free time.