Ask HN: Share an important life lesson that took you a long time to figure out
Either due to it being very non-obvious, difficult to accept, or you were given numerous reasons not to believe it that you later realized weren't true.
40 comments
Networking is not marketing. It's creating a network of reciprocal, trust-based relationships. The main currency in the network is trust, and people stake their reputation every time they connect people with each other.
In-network transactions are frictionless because the usual diligence is not necessary. You can use your network to get insider advice, trustworthy recommendations, profitable contracts and mutually beneficial deals, yet never write a single contract or issue a single invoice. It's all based on trust and the assumption of goodwill.
In-network transactions are frictionless because the usual diligence is not necessary. You can use your network to get insider advice, trustworthy recommendations, profitable contracts and mutually beneficial deals, yet never write a single contract or issue a single invoice. It's all based on trust and the assumption of goodwill.
Women are people.
I knew it, of course, and it seems obvious. But it took me forever to internalize what it meant.
My hormones were telling me that there was something separate and other about them, something I absolutely positively had to have. It's hard to separate that from the messages I absorbed from the culture. Either way, it was incredibly overpowering, and that made me miss a lot of what was obvious.
I approached it in a stereotypically male way, as an economic transaction. This was bolstered by a lot of the "evolutionary" approaches I read about, which I now see as poorly supported but was exactly the kind of thing I wanted to believe and sounded like science.
I was perhaps 30 when it finally started to come together for me. And honestly I cannot tell how much of that is just due to the hormones subsiding a bit. I found myself a social group and started to date online. And that worked great: I was finally able to engage with women as people and found out that they were just like me.
It was also when I finally figured out what women were afraid of when it came to men. I knew I represented no threat and was baffled that they couldn't see that. But of course they can't see that.
The biggest single thing a dating man should know: not all men are rapists, but it only takes one to badly affect her for the rest of her life. Men often underestimate both the gravity of that trauma, and the strain of living with that threat at literally every moment of their lives. It's different from the threats that affect us men -- which are also very real and serious, but also very visible. Women carry a lot of burdens that men don't see.
Every time the subject of dating comes up I see HN is filled with men who don't get anything I'm saying here, and I struggle to convince them. It's frustrating because I think their lives could be so much better, but it starts by giving up some preconceptions that are so deep that they seem absolute and objective -- truths so basic you don't even recognize that an alternative could exist. It took me many miserable years to figure this out and I still don't think I've conveyed it well.
I knew it, of course, and it seems obvious. But it took me forever to internalize what it meant.
My hormones were telling me that there was something separate and other about them, something I absolutely positively had to have. It's hard to separate that from the messages I absorbed from the culture. Either way, it was incredibly overpowering, and that made me miss a lot of what was obvious.
I approached it in a stereotypically male way, as an economic transaction. This was bolstered by a lot of the "evolutionary" approaches I read about, which I now see as poorly supported but was exactly the kind of thing I wanted to believe and sounded like science.
I was perhaps 30 when it finally started to come together for me. And honestly I cannot tell how much of that is just due to the hormones subsiding a bit. I found myself a social group and started to date online. And that worked great: I was finally able to engage with women as people and found out that they were just like me.
It was also when I finally figured out what women were afraid of when it came to men. I knew I represented no threat and was baffled that they couldn't see that. But of course they can't see that.
The biggest single thing a dating man should know: not all men are rapists, but it only takes one to badly affect her for the rest of her life. Men often underestimate both the gravity of that trauma, and the strain of living with that threat at literally every moment of their lives. It's different from the threats that affect us men -- which are also very real and serious, but also very visible. Women carry a lot of burdens that men don't see.
Every time the subject of dating comes up I see HN is filled with men who don't get anything I'm saying here, and I struggle to convince them. It's frustrating because I think their lives could be so much better, but it starts by giving up some preconceptions that are so deep that they seem absolute and objective -- truths so basic you don't even recognize that an alternative could exist. It took me many miserable years to figure this out and I still don't think I've conveyed it well.
In learning and performance, context is often underrated. A significant portion of learning is non-mathematical, non-verbal, and challenging to represent in symbols. An obsession with abstraction and abstracted thinking is not necessarily beneficial at all times.
In my experience, the majority of the time, it is more profitable to pay attention to the context and situation in which you are operating, rather than trying to over-intellectualize too early.
To put it more positively and concretely: "Focus on your personal conduct, accumulate and apply wisdom to your situations, and observe more of your situation, keep adjusting/improving rather than floating in abstract theories."
In more striking terms: "You can't learn to swim by reading a textbook; it is only possible to jump in and 'figure it out' in real-time."
Also, university doesn't prepare you for life mostly, as it teaches over-intellectualization (bad default). Sometimes, I feel university gives you some really bad habits to unlearn as you progress further in life.
Practice, reflect, improve. Put it in a loop. That's life.
In my experience, the majority of the time, it is more profitable to pay attention to the context and situation in which you are operating, rather than trying to over-intellectualize too early.
To put it more positively and concretely: "Focus on your personal conduct, accumulate and apply wisdom to your situations, and observe more of your situation, keep adjusting/improving rather than floating in abstract theories."
In more striking terms: "You can't learn to swim by reading a textbook; it is only possible to jump in and 'figure it out' in real-time."
Also, university doesn't prepare you for life mostly, as it teaches over-intellectualization (bad default). Sometimes, I feel university gives you some really bad habits to unlearn as you progress further in life.
Practice, reflect, improve. Put it in a loop. That's life.
Never ever mention "divorce" in your marriage. Should never even be part of either of your vocabulary. "Communication", "Compliance", "Compromise" are keys to making sure it works. You married her. She married you. Figure it out and make it work.
I didn't follow this advice and now I have a broken heart for the rest of my days.
I didn't follow this advice and now I have a broken heart for the rest of my days.
So true.
I only have 4 years of "experience" but I realised early on I should never use the D-word no matter whatever the situation. It's the only thing that has kept my marriage.
Now we are on a better path and more understanding of each other.
I only have 4 years of "experience" but I realised early on I should never use the D-word no matter whatever the situation. It's the only thing that has kept my marriage.
Now we are on a better path and more understanding of each other.
You might have made a mistake, but your next relationship should be better because of it.
Try to be more upbeat —- you will be getting a second chance.
By far most organization do not care about you as an individual.
May it be work, government on various levels, special interest groups, you name it. You are just a single member and in the big picture they focus on their agenda first and foremost. Sometimes I have the impression the larger the organization the worst and unfair that is. With age I somehow keep shifting my interest and company more and more closer to family and friends, meaning the smaller the circle the better I feel about it.
May it be work, government on various levels, special interest groups, you name it. You are just a single member and in the big picture they focus on their agenda first and foremost. Sometimes I have the impression the larger the organization the worst and unfair that is. With age I somehow keep shifting my interest and company more and more closer to family and friends, meaning the smaller the circle the better I feel about it.
For me it was this, generalized to "Ultimately, no one, nobody else, will be able to or willing to care about your best interests except yourself."
People, families, groups, systems and institutions act primarily through their own structures and in their own best interests, are able to forget, misinterpret or simply not care about what you want/need/desire/expect/(feel you) deserve from them, and can never care about you as an individual as much as you can care about yourself.
This can apply to small or big things. This even applies to formal, specific, contractual obligations others have to you. That's just paper. It can be at best ineffective to expect others to act in your (best) interest while you are not there supervising and understanding everything they are doing. Trust, but verify, and be ready to protest for and enforce your rights.
The world is full of minor and major bullshit many have given up on to change, to care about, or feel powerless to change anything about. If anything moves in this world it is through the stubbornness of dedicated individuals. Since you yourself have only limited time and energy, be ready to endure this bullshit which makes life seem insufferable and unfair.
Also, today's society has no effective mechanisms to punish misbehavior at small scales, and repeat offenders who move between communities.
I may have been childish, naive, too hopeful or entitled to expect otherwise, but nowadays I know that at any time, people or the universe can metaphorically say "fuck you, i don't owe you anything" and fuck your life and feelings over, regardless of how conscientiously or nice or supposedly selfless you acted. But so must you, if people expect more from you than you can and are willing to give, even if it hurts them, else they will drain your joy and energy and potential out of your life.
Also, this is useful to learn: https://www.raptitude.com/2022/01/everything-must-be-paid-fo...
People, families, groups, systems and institutions act primarily through their own structures and in their own best interests, are able to forget, misinterpret or simply not care about what you want/need/desire/expect/(feel you) deserve from them, and can never care about you as an individual as much as you can care about yourself.
This can apply to small or big things. This even applies to formal, specific, contractual obligations others have to you. That's just paper. It can be at best ineffective to expect others to act in your (best) interest while you are not there supervising and understanding everything they are doing. Trust, but verify, and be ready to protest for and enforce your rights.
The world is full of minor and major bullshit many have given up on to change, to care about, or feel powerless to change anything about. If anything moves in this world it is through the stubbornness of dedicated individuals. Since you yourself have only limited time and energy, be ready to endure this bullshit which makes life seem insufferable and unfair.
Also, today's society has no effective mechanisms to punish misbehavior at small scales, and repeat offenders who move between communities.
I may have been childish, naive, too hopeful or entitled to expect otherwise, but nowadays I know that at any time, people or the universe can metaphorically say "fuck you, i don't owe you anything" and fuck your life and feelings over, regardless of how conscientiously or nice or supposedly selfless you acted. But so must you, if people expect more from you than you can and are willing to give, even if it hurts them, else they will drain your joy and energy and potential out of your life.
Also, this is useful to learn: https://www.raptitude.com/2022/01/everything-must-be-paid-fo...
It's also important to recognize that corporations aren't a thing that can care about you in the same way an individual could. You're better off not thinking of them as having any form of central agency.
They evolve and change, we have to deal with it.
They evolve and change, we have to deal with it.
People matter. They really matter. Learn how to interact with them better. It's a skill. It's worth learning, even thought it may take decades.
Related: How you dress matters. People evaluate you based on it. You can argue that they shouldn't. You may be right. But people still evaluate you based on how you dress, and so how you dress matters.
Related: How you dress matters. People evaluate you based on it. You can argue that they shouldn't. You may be right. But people still evaluate you based on how you dress, and so how you dress matters.
People don't get convinced by your facts and logic.
It's your compassion and perception by others that gets through.
Nobody is infallible. It's easy to look up to people and think they are perfect, thus modeling yourself to some unattainable standard. And as I get older, I find that many individuals that I looked up to were from perfect, and often downright terrible people.
Ability to communicate trumps actual competency every time in a typical career.
People who are senior to you got there because they have a superior ability to communicate, not because they have any competence. This will range from people who are so communicatively capable they can silvertongue their responses to utterly conceal incompetence/laziness to their own management to people who have slight competence but better communication and so get promoted over the most knowledgeable/experienced/capable in their domain.
Twenty years ago I thought these type of people were an aberration. I’ve come to realise that in fact, they are the majority in any business/corporate hierarchy.
People who are senior to you got there because they have a superior ability to communicate, not because they have any competence. This will range from people who are so communicatively capable they can silvertongue their responses to utterly conceal incompetence/laziness to their own management to people who have slight competence but better communication and so get promoted over the most knowledgeable/experienced/capable in their domain.
Twenty years ago I thought these type of people were an aberration. I’ve come to realise that in fact, they are the majority in any business/corporate hierarchy.
That's a very absolutist view. I've seen my fair share of very competent people that got where they were due to their skills.
Have you seen/what do you think of the following?
https://isaacmorehouse.com/2020/04/08/sociopaths-clueless-lo...
https://www.ribbonfarm.com/2009/10/07/the-gervais-principle-...
https://isaacmorehouse.com/2020/04/08/sociopaths-clueless-lo...
https://www.ribbonfarm.com/2009/10/07/the-gervais-principle-...
In a few years, nobody will remember how skilled (or not) you were. They'll always remember how you treated them.
Don't do things with the expectation that it will be reciprocated. If you wouldn't do it for your own sake, consider not doing it at all.
Been battling a vicious cycle of boom and bust in all kinds of relationships (work, friends, love) where I go out of my way to get approval from the other party only for it not to be reciprocated and leading to burnout and eventual implosion of relationship. It stems from deeply rooted self worth issues and unhealthy strategies to overcome them.
Been battling a vicious cycle of boom and bust in all kinds of relationships (work, friends, love) where I go out of my way to get approval from the other party only for it not to be reciprocated and leading to burnout and eventual implosion of relationship. It stems from deeply rooted self worth issues and unhealthy strategies to overcome them.
I think you are right, but it's also possible to do something purely for other's benefit without expecting reciprocation. That requires a strong center and a real purpose driving action.
Don't overshare at work. It's always used against you and you gain nothing from it. Keep that trap shut!
Almost nobody can keep a secret, including yourself. Keep your mouth shut.
When people appear to be making poor decisions, it may simply be that their time horizon in your mutual iterated game is much shorter than the horizon which they proclaim.
An audience is incredibly valuable. You can launch anything and instantly have hundreds or thousands of users. Startups would kill for such easy access to interested people. I didn't realise how valuable it was until I had an audience. It feels like cheating!
1. I'm only responsible for my actions. I'm not responsible for other people's feelings. As long as I have integrity and I'm investing my time into my priorities, I'm ok.
2. The protestant work ethic is terrible and soul sucking. Hard work for hard work's sake is not rewarded. Generally, competency is not rewarded. From now on, I'm going to be ok doing the the minimum amount of required work and spending my extra time in better ways.
3. People are everything. Life is temporary. Invest time in the people you love while they're still with you.
2. The protestant work ethic is terrible and soul sucking. Hard work for hard work's sake is not rewarded. Generally, competency is not rewarded. From now on, I'm going to be ok doing the the minimum amount of required work and spending my extra time in better ways.
3. People are everything. Life is temporary. Invest time in the people you love while they're still with you.
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There is always hidden things while communicating with humans and because you never know all of them, things they say or do may look crazy or downright stupid. It's your choice to spend time figuring that out or not, depending on the circumstances.
Every successful journey starts with imperfect ideas and evolves through iteration.
Getting started with anything is the key to where ideas transform and refine.
You can't always have a perfect idea, you make it perfect along the way.
Getting started with anything is the key to where ideas transform and refine.
You can't always have a perfect idea, you make it perfect along the way.
"I’ve learned that it is so important not to get lost in the weeds of everyday life. If today sucked, oh well. There’s always tomorrow. And at least on our bad days, we still have people around us who love us, help us, and want the best for us. I’ve learned to savor each moment, and I’ve learned to be thankful, because things can very quickly change.
But most importantly, I’ve learned that when I leave this earth for a better home someday, the only thing I’ll take is what I gave away."
It's from a blog but it was touching for me
But most importantly, I’ve learned that when I leave this earth for a better home someday, the only thing I’ll take is what I gave away."
It's from a blog but it was touching for me
you've never 'made it'. every day is a struggle to start afresh and prove your worth. the moment you think 'you've arrived' is the day your downfall starts/
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Never assume you are smart.
Almost everyone you come across will go out of their way for you in direct proportion to how valuable you are to them. You'll rarely experience any form of self sacrifice from anyone.
And the reverse of this is, you can set yourself apart by genuinely caring for everyone you meet, even if they can do nothing for you.
And the reverse of this is, you can set yourself apart by genuinely caring for everyone you meet, even if they can do nothing for you.
Stuff.... I had too much stuff.... when you've got things you haven't seen in a decade, and no longer want, still in the bag from the day you bought them... it changes your perspective.
I really need to spend far more time curating the objects in my life.
I really need to spend far more time curating the objects in my life.
Where you are right now might be the means to an end not the end itself. Sometimes you have to take a little hard road until you reach where you want to go.
It is actually sometimes healthy to compare yourself to others, in order to have a broader perspective and prevent tunnel vision.
It's a whole lot easier to set a boundary at the beginning than it is later.
Time flies so fast! Make sure every day counts!
Always separate assumptions from measures. Doing so reveals undetected surprising foolishness. It’s astonishing how frequently and hard people fail because casual measures are simply too much effort. This identifies potential failure more than anything else.
Don’t let other people’s reliance upon artificial conventions dictate your decisions. People will fight to the death about the most asinine things because they fail to question the foundations or conventions on which they are fighting, as in a faulty premise. This is more common and devastating than it sounds forming the basis of social contagion. Worse, frequently this bad behavior is intentional because most people find security in social groups even when they know they underlying decisions in question are severely flawed. When these situations are encountered it’s best to question the obvious and if necessary remove yourself from the group.
Don’t let other people’s reliance upon artificial conventions dictate your decisions. People will fight to the death about the most asinine things because they fail to question the foundations or conventions on which they are fighting, as in a faulty premise. This is more common and devastating than it sounds forming the basis of social contagion. Worse, frequently this bad behavior is intentional because most people find security in social groups even when they know they underlying decisions in question are severely flawed. When these situations are encountered it’s best to question the obvious and if necessary remove yourself from the group.
Yolo