Ask HN: I have lost all interest in my life. Not sure what to do?
44 comments
12 years of professional programming here.
I almost killed myself about two years ago. Have had depression since I was a kid. I saw a doctor, got on meds, went to a therapist and started feeling slightly better for about a year on and off. ive been stuck in the same location for a long time... Was hoping to change that last year but all I could do was fail job interviews (in part because I was trying to wean off my meds).
There is no success part to my story yet but you are not alone. Do see a doctor and don't feel like a failure if you find out you are depressed.
I almost killed myself about two years ago. Have had depression since I was a kid. I saw a doctor, got on meds, went to a therapist and started feeling slightly better for about a year on and off. ive been stuck in the same location for a long time... Was hoping to change that last year but all I could do was fail job interviews (in part because I was trying to wean off my meds).
There is no success part to my story yet but you are not alone. Do see a doctor and don't feel like a failure if you find out you are depressed.
Man, don't put yourself down like that. Baldness? I am becoming bald as well. It's just the way it is.
As far as women are concerned. Don't fret about it. It'll come eventually. I mean for fu*k sake. You're 29 years old. Still plenty of time.
99% of the world population would love to have your knowledge, job and salary.
As far as women are concerned. Don't fret about it. It'll come eventually. I mean for fu*k sake. You're 29 years old. Still plenty of time.
99% of the world population would love to have your knowledge, job and salary.
> 99% of the world population would love to have your knowledge, job and salary.
My thoughts exactly. OP, you're in an incredibly privileged position, and you're very successful by almost any modern standard. It seems like a little perspective is all that might be needed here. I mean, you're a young, single, able-bodied, high-earning, english-speaking, hetero male (from the sound of it) living in California. When it comes to having advantages in life, you've pretty much won the lottery. Count your blessings.
My thoughts exactly. OP, you're in an incredibly privileged position, and you're very successful by almost any modern standard. It seems like a little perspective is all that might be needed here. I mean, you're a young, single, able-bodied, high-earning, english-speaking, hetero male (from the sound of it) living in California. When it comes to having advantages in life, you've pretty much won the lottery. Count your blessings.
Don't lose hope, you've had some bad luck but you are still young.
I ended up on disability in 2003 due to a mental illness. I got married in 1997. Before that women wouldn't even talk to me because I was a geek or nerd. I was always considered to have autism because of the way I talked. I couldn't find a thing I was good at until I got into computers and programming. I met my wife at church, before that I would meet women on BBS systems and BBS events and most of them were weird or already had a boyfriend they wanted to make jealous.
You have to respect women and listen to what they say. You shouldn't meet women in bars and at work, you should go to meetup.com and join special interest groups of like minded people and find women who have something in common with you. You need to take it slow with women, they don't like it when you rush them and they have to show interest in you first before you make a move.
A lot of men in IT have problems finding women to date them, it is a common problem. Most of those men have had to move to where the jobs are and it is a different culture, society, and community than the one they are used to, so women there don't find them attractive.
I ended up on disability in 2003 due to a mental illness. I got married in 1997. Before that women wouldn't even talk to me because I was a geek or nerd. I was always considered to have autism because of the way I talked. I couldn't find a thing I was good at until I got into computers and programming. I met my wife at church, before that I would meet women on BBS systems and BBS events and most of them were weird or already had a boyfriend they wanted to make jealous.
You have to respect women and listen to what they say. You shouldn't meet women in bars and at work, you should go to meetup.com and join special interest groups of like minded people and find women who have something in common with you. You need to take it slow with women, they don't like it when you rush them and they have to show interest in you first before you make a move.
A lot of men in IT have problems finding women to date them, it is a common problem. Most of those men have had to move to where the jobs are and it is a different culture, society, and community than the one they are used to, so women there don't find them attractive.
Three pieces of advice that I believe will help a lot.
1) Challenge yourself more. If you're bored at work, do something else that will excite you. 29 is young. If anyone in SV tells you otherwise, they're delusional. Nearly all of the most famous entrepreneurs in SV's history were in their mid 30's when they got their big hit. At 29 there is still a lot of great work / productivity to be had, decades worth in fact.
2) Work out, weight lifting specifically. Put on 20 pounds of muscle. It's an excellent way to boost energy, feel better mentally about yourself, and to get the attention of the opposite sex. You can get most of the way there in a single year with discipline. Getting fit is also one of the best ways to beat normal feelings of depression.
3) Shave your head. Combine that with adding muscle. As a combination it tends to go over well with a lot of women.
People your age do not smash left and right. Most people don't have much going for them at 29, either in the US, the bay area, or the world. It's an SV myth, and basically complete bullshit, that sub 30 year olds are killing it left and right. Don't buy into it, it'll just cause you to be hard on yourself for no good reason.
1) Challenge yourself more. If you're bored at work, do something else that will excite you. 29 is young. If anyone in SV tells you otherwise, they're delusional. Nearly all of the most famous entrepreneurs in SV's history were in their mid 30's when they got their big hit. At 29 there is still a lot of great work / productivity to be had, decades worth in fact.
2) Work out, weight lifting specifically. Put on 20 pounds of muscle. It's an excellent way to boost energy, feel better mentally about yourself, and to get the attention of the opposite sex. You can get most of the way there in a single year with discipline. Getting fit is also one of the best ways to beat normal feelings of depression.
3) Shave your head. Combine that with adding muscle. As a combination it tends to go over well with a lot of women.
People your age do not smash left and right. Most people don't have much going for them at 29, either in the US, the bay area, or the world. It's an SV myth, and basically complete bullshit, that sub 30 year olds are killing it left and right. Don't buy into it, it'll just cause you to be hard on yourself for no good reason.
What are your hobbies? What do you do in your spare time? Do you socialise at all? I know that for me I never met women and never really dated, then I started socialising and before I knew it I had met someone.
You talk about your job, but what about "everything else" in your life? If your list consists of work -> gym -> home with the occasional family event thrown in between then you'll never be around single women (except at work, but a lot of people avoid that for other reasons, plus it only shows off certain parts of your personality).
If it really feels hopeless and you run out of things to change in your personal life, then maybe it is time for a change of scenery. New city, new job, or heck go back to college just for the experience and jump into all extra clubs you can.
PS - I too have trouble making friends.
PPS - TV would have you believe that everyone is living these fabulous lives with tons of hooking up and intrigue. Most people's lives are fairly boring and dull, in particular by 30.
You talk about your job, but what about "everything else" in your life? If your list consists of work -> gym -> home with the occasional family event thrown in between then you'll never be around single women (except at work, but a lot of people avoid that for other reasons, plus it only shows off certain parts of your personality).
If it really feels hopeless and you run out of things to change in your personal life, then maybe it is time for a change of scenery. New city, new job, or heck go back to college just for the experience and jump into all extra clubs you can.
PS - I too have trouble making friends.
PPS - TV would have you believe that everyone is living these fabulous lives with tons of hooking up and intrigue. Most people's lives are fairly boring and dull, in particular by 30.
Dude, you are too young at 29 to consider yourself a failure. You're not even half done.
I see nothing but good advice so far -- challenge, exercise, lighten up on yourself. However, I'll offer up something completely different... allocate a chunk of your time to helping others. Focus on their problems and challenges (not yours) and use your skills and background to help them improve their situation. It is incredibly rewarding to look back and see how your actions have materially helped the lives of others. Churches, other non-profits, Big Brothers, community groups, etc. are often starving for skilled volunteers like yourself. And hey, while you are busy helping others, you might bump into a nice lady. It's a great way for them to see you for who you really are, not just what you look like on the outside.
BTW, I just watched Unbroken tonight for the first time. What an awesome story. The number and magnitude of the challenges that this guy went through were staggering -- and he never gave up. The challenges just made him redouble his efforts. Get some inspiring things to watch and read.
Friends? Get some quality ones. If you have any toxic friends, dump them. If a good group of friends doesn't happen by accident, you should consciously cultivate one. You need a group of friends that will support and encourage you, and it's your duty to do the same for them.
I see nothing but good advice so far -- challenge, exercise, lighten up on yourself. However, I'll offer up something completely different... allocate a chunk of your time to helping others. Focus on their problems and challenges (not yours) and use your skills and background to help them improve their situation. It is incredibly rewarding to look back and see how your actions have materially helped the lives of others. Churches, other non-profits, Big Brothers, community groups, etc. are often starving for skilled volunteers like yourself. And hey, while you are busy helping others, you might bump into a nice lady. It's a great way for them to see you for who you really are, not just what you look like on the outside.
BTW, I just watched Unbroken tonight for the first time. What an awesome story. The number and magnitude of the challenges that this guy went through were staggering -- and he never gave up. The challenges just made him redouble his efforts. Get some inspiring things to watch and read.
Friends? Get some quality ones. If you have any toxic friends, dump them. If a good group of friends doesn't happen by accident, you should consciously cultivate one. You need a group of friends that will support and encourage you, and it's your duty to do the same for them.
Suggestion:
If you're not happy there is nothing wrong with seeing a professional therapist.
Also avoid life advice from those who work in software, since it's an industry that's not known for "human interface issues".
If you're not happy there is nothing wrong with seeing a professional therapist.
Also avoid life advice from those who work in software, since it's an industry that's not known for "human interface issues".
[deleted](1)
Engage in physical activity like social dance- salsa, swing, ballroom, yoga, tennis or whatever is in close promixity to you. Or determine by random method. Seriously, no joke. Test this for 30 days.
To many dudes making 120k in SV. Women see your types as a dime a dozen. Move to Boston or NYC or even Providence, RI (best kept secret).
Yeah think of all the gold diggers he is missing out on.
This is a basic supply/demand problem. I don't see why I'm being downvoted. The exact opposite is happening in Hong Kong. I know many girls who have been trying to get married there with no luck, but the second they end up in SFO they get hitched.
What about a change of locale? Does your company have offices in other cities? Sometimes a change of scenery can do wonders.
Hi. It seems to me you are doing pretty well. Some people in the world are dying of hunger or spend their life in wars. You are living the dream of many people.
Use your talent and make something great of your life. 29 is pretty young. Some people begin to be successful only at the age of 40.
About the women: I am no expert, but women don't care so much about your hair or muscle. Most women also don't care about how much money you make. In fact, having a lot of money might become an obstacle when trying to meet women. I think that women care about who you are. So make sure to become a great person.
Some additional specific advice: 1. Go learn a martial art. I suggest Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. Maybe when they try to choke you you will be reminded of death, which in turn will remind you how great your life is. In addition, after you survive a fight with the tough guys, you will never fear of approaching a woman :-)
2. Watch Tyler Durden's (Of Real Social Dynamics) "The blueprint decoded". It's really long, but watch all of it. It talks about how to live a great life. It made a big difference to my life, and I hope it will help you too.
Take care mate. Life is beautiful, make the most of it.
Use your talent and make something great of your life. 29 is pretty young. Some people begin to be successful only at the age of 40.
About the women: I am no expert, but women don't care so much about your hair or muscle. Most women also don't care about how much money you make. In fact, having a lot of money might become an obstacle when trying to meet women. I think that women care about who you are. So make sure to become a great person.
Some additional specific advice: 1. Go learn a martial art. I suggest Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. Maybe when they try to choke you you will be reminded of death, which in turn will remind you how great your life is. In addition, after you survive a fight with the tough guys, you will never fear of approaching a woman :-)
2. Watch Tyler Durden's (Of Real Social Dynamics) "The blueprint decoded". It's really long, but watch all of it. It talks about how to live a great life. It made a big difference to my life, and I hope it will help you too.
Take care mate. Life is beautiful, make the most of it.
Shave your head. It's a small thing and won't solve the underlying issues but its totally in your control and it projects confidence. If you're going to lose your hair then why not on your terms?
Shave your head.
I'm reminded of one of Neil Strauss' stories from The Game. He was balding and he spoke of how Mystery said to him "Shave your head. Bald is a choice, balding isn't".
I'm reminded of one of Neil Strauss' stories from The Game. He was balding and he spoke of how Mystery said to him "Shave your head. Bald is a choice, balding isn't".
A basic question comes up: Do you know what you want? Your goal is described in terms of acting the way you thought you were supposed to - finding some woman and starting a nuclear family with her. You're unhappy about not having that but you also say you're unmotivated.
What you may need is to shake everything up. If you aren't happy performing in this way(and following a traditional career and marriage script is a performance) start questioning who/what you are instead. There are a lot of different lifestyles out there. Some folks are libertine, others celebate. Gender and gender roles aren't static. You may desire a subset of sex, romance, or children, but not all three. If you go through the process of exploring and questioning and come out the other side basically still aligned with the norms, you'll be more prepared for a relationship - you'll understand just how different people can be. Goes the same for your career choices too - you may do better with a small tweak. Imagine interviewing for different positions and conpanies.
What you may need is to shake everything up. If you aren't happy performing in this way(and following a traditional career and marriage script is a performance) start questioning who/what you are instead. There are a lot of different lifestyles out there. Some folks are libertine, others celebate. Gender and gender roles aren't static. You may desire a subset of sex, romance, or children, but not all three. If you go through the process of exploring and questioning and come out the other side basically still aligned with the norms, you'll be more prepared for a relationship - you'll understand just how different people can be. Goes the same for your career choices too - you may do better with a small tweak. Imagine interviewing for different positions and conpanies.
What you may need is to shake everything up. If you aren't happy performing in this way(and following a traditional career and marriage script is a performance) start questioning who/what you are instead. There are a lot of different lifestyles out there.
Well said. We have to be very careful to not let other people, ancient rituals, and social stereotypes define who we are - of who we feel like we need to be (or become).
It's your life. When you die, we all cease to exist.
Well said. We have to be very careful to not let other people, ancient rituals, and social stereotypes define who we are - of who we feel like we need to be (or become).
It's your life. When you die, we all cease to exist.
As others have said, objectively speaking you're in the top 0.25% or so of the world's population by income; the global median income is only around $1,300 a year. So objectively speaking you're doing well.
Relatively speaking, though, you seem to feel you're not. In terms of dating, it's a matter of supply and demand. There is a glut of men (114:100 ratio) between 20 and 44 years old relative to women in San Jose: http://sanfrancisco.cbslocal.com/2014/10/04/man-jose-san-jos...
So women can be more selective. You can change this by improving your own desirability, as others in this thread have suggested, or by moving to a place with a less lopsided gender ratio. Neither is trivial but it sounds like it's worth doing given how unhappy you say you are.
Relatively speaking, though, you seem to feel you're not. In terms of dating, it's a matter of supply and demand. There is a glut of men (114:100 ratio) between 20 and 44 years old relative to women in San Jose: http://sanfrancisco.cbslocal.com/2014/10/04/man-jose-san-jos...
So women can be more selective. You can change this by improving your own desirability, as others in this thread have suggested, or by moving to a place with a less lopsided gender ratio. Neither is trivial but it sounds like it's worth doing given how unhappy you say you are.
Start listening to Les Brown. You will feel like a rockstar and life's gonna change my friend.
* From an Indian to an Indian
* From an Indian to an Indian
29 is so young....
Look at the spiritual side of things. What does it mean to be happy. Who defines success, you or your peers. How long does it last?
I can really relate your feelings about women, been there done that. Am now married with two kids and looking back at things I was totally wrong in the assumption that a drop dead gorgeous person would make you happy.
You see, happiness comes from within and is not defined by things like jobs, partners, things you own. If I could choose a religion for you it would be Buddhism, follow the steps and happiness is guaranteed.
All the best
Look at the spiritual side of things. What does it mean to be happy. Who defines success, you or your peers. How long does it last?
I can really relate your feelings about women, been there done that. Am now married with two kids and looking back at things I was totally wrong in the assumption that a drop dead gorgeous person would make you happy.
You see, happiness comes from within and is not defined by things like jobs, partners, things you own. If I could choose a religion for you it would be Buddhism, follow the steps and happiness is guaranteed.
All the best
I think I have failed myself and everyone who kept high expectations of me.
I think everybody feels that way sometimes. Don't let it get you down. And remember, you're living your life for YOU, not for all the other people and their expectations. This is one place where I'll advocate going in for some good old-fashioned Nietzsche'an / Ayn Rand'ian selfish / self-centered thinking. Be the center of your own universe and quit giving a fuck what anybody and everybody else thinks.
You're a fucking badass. Why? Because you said so. Because you chose to be. Yes, you did, just now, I heard you. Trust me. I hear things.
Choice is everything. Remember the end of The Matrix:Revelations? When Agent Smith is taunting Neo, asking, "Why, Mr. Anderson? Why do you keep getting back up? You know you can't win, why keep getting up"? And Neo just looks back and says "Because I choose to". That is one of the most powerful scenes in movie history, because it reflects such a powerful truth about the real world.
Choice.
It's your life and you can choose to be happy, or choose to be miserable. It's all down to how you chose to see, hear, feel and interpret things. You can focus on the negatives our you can focus on the positives. Your move.
Seriously, I can't make you think like this, but I'm trying to point something out, a very basic, fundamental truth... your happiness, your contentment, your state of mind, it comes from within. It isn't about how much money you have, what kind of car you drive, or how many girls your boning. You get to choose to be happy, to be content, to be whatever-the-fuck-you-want-to-be... every day.
So you don't have all the "stuff" you want yet? Fine, remind yourself both that it's OK, that what you have doesn't define you AND remind you're self that you are a bad-ass, and you're still on the way up. You are a conquering machine, and you will be on top of the world before you're done. Don't just say it, KNOW it. You have the world by the balls, now take that motherfucker and squeeze until it hurts, and show it who's in charge.
Just remember this, when things are tough... you can have your dreams, but NOBODY said it would be easy. OK, there WILL be adversity and tough times. That's OK, the adversity is what makes your story a story worth telling. You think bards would sing songs about a Prince who's born with a silver-spoon in his mouth, sits around being pampered until he's 18, then walks next door to the neighboring castle and says "Can I marry the beautiful Princess?" and she comes running out yelling "oooh, I live you, I love you so much" and then they are married the next day, have a couple of kids a year later, and then live happily ever after? Fuck no, that story is fucking boring. The stories people want are about the stable-boy who falls in love with the princess, but can't even get near enough to her to talk to her, and then she gets kidnapped by the Evil Dragon, and then he has to steal a an old, broken-down, half-lame horse, a rusty suit of armor that's full of holes, a broken sword, and then go off to try and rescue the princess... and of course his horse dies halfway in the middle of nowhere, it's freezing cold, with brutal, nasty, driving rain and sleet falling, and he's freezing nearly to death in the wastelands, with no food and no help, but he keeps fighting and fighting and through grit and determination and pride and love manages to make his way to the lair of the Evil Dragon, and... well, you get what I mean.
So, what story do you want to be part of? The one where everything is just handed to you and everything is perfect and nice and sweet and easy and everybody gets a pony? Or the one where some bad shit happens and you will your way through, over, or around the obstacles?
Oh, and listen to some good music too. Good music always helps lift your spirits. Here's something to get you started:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WtuoFv4dcwM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EhGEGIBGLu8
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CmXWkMlKFkI
I think everybody feels that way sometimes. Don't let it get you down. And remember, you're living your life for YOU, not for all the other people and their expectations. This is one place where I'll advocate going in for some good old-fashioned Nietzsche'an / Ayn Rand'ian selfish / self-centered thinking. Be the center of your own universe and quit giving a fuck what anybody and everybody else thinks.
You're a fucking badass. Why? Because you said so. Because you chose to be. Yes, you did, just now, I heard you. Trust me. I hear things.
Choice is everything. Remember the end of The Matrix:Revelations? When Agent Smith is taunting Neo, asking, "Why, Mr. Anderson? Why do you keep getting back up? You know you can't win, why keep getting up"? And Neo just looks back and says "Because I choose to". That is one of the most powerful scenes in movie history, because it reflects such a powerful truth about the real world.
Choice.
It's your life and you can choose to be happy, or choose to be miserable. It's all down to how you chose to see, hear, feel and interpret things. You can focus on the negatives our you can focus on the positives. Your move.
Seriously, I can't make you think like this, but I'm trying to point something out, a very basic, fundamental truth... your happiness, your contentment, your state of mind, it comes from within. It isn't about how much money you have, what kind of car you drive, or how many girls your boning. You get to choose to be happy, to be content, to be whatever-the-fuck-you-want-to-be... every day.
So you don't have all the "stuff" you want yet? Fine, remind yourself both that it's OK, that what you have doesn't define you AND remind you're self that you are a bad-ass, and you're still on the way up. You are a conquering machine, and you will be on top of the world before you're done. Don't just say it, KNOW it. You have the world by the balls, now take that motherfucker and squeeze until it hurts, and show it who's in charge.
Just remember this, when things are tough... you can have your dreams, but NOBODY said it would be easy. OK, there WILL be adversity and tough times. That's OK, the adversity is what makes your story a story worth telling. You think bards would sing songs about a Prince who's born with a silver-spoon in his mouth, sits around being pampered until he's 18, then walks next door to the neighboring castle and says "Can I marry the beautiful Princess?" and she comes running out yelling "oooh, I live you, I love you so much" and then they are married the next day, have a couple of kids a year later, and then live happily ever after? Fuck no, that story is fucking boring. The stories people want are about the stable-boy who falls in love with the princess, but can't even get near enough to her to talk to her, and then she gets kidnapped by the Evil Dragon, and then he has to steal a an old, broken-down, half-lame horse, a rusty suit of armor that's full of holes, a broken sword, and then go off to try and rescue the princess... and of course his horse dies halfway in the middle of nowhere, it's freezing cold, with brutal, nasty, driving rain and sleet falling, and he's freezing nearly to death in the wastelands, with no food and no help, but he keeps fighting and fighting and through grit and determination and pride and love manages to make his way to the lair of the Evil Dragon, and... well, you get what I mean.
So, what story do you want to be part of? The one where everything is just handed to you and everything is perfect and nice and sweet and easy and everybody gets a pony? Or the one where some bad shit happens and you will your way through, over, or around the obstacles?
Oh, and listen to some good music too. Good music always helps lift your spirits. Here's something to get you started:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WtuoFv4dcwM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EhGEGIBGLu8
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CmXWkMlKFkI
No girl or women , I mean not a single one has ever shown interest in me for last 10 yrs.
Oh yeah, one other thing. Be VERY careful of believing this. This is something a lot of guys get wrong. They think no women are showing interest in then, when actually they (the women) are doing so, and the guys just don't realize it. And that's because women tend, in general, to be much more subtle in how they show interest, and because most women expect men to be the initiators in any kind of romantic or sexual scenario.
It's entirely possible that there are 100 broken hearted women out there, wondering why you weren't interested in them, because you didn't react to their subtle cues. I probably won't get any points for this, but if you're the kind of guy who thinks of yourself in terms like "I"m not good with women" or "I never know what to say to women" then consider spending some time engaging with the PUA community. Read Neil Strauss' book The Game at a minimum. You may find some interesting revelations there.
Oh yeah, one other thing. Be VERY careful of believing this. This is something a lot of guys get wrong. They think no women are showing interest in then, when actually they (the women) are doing so, and the guys just don't realize it. And that's because women tend, in general, to be much more subtle in how they show interest, and because most women expect men to be the initiators in any kind of romantic or sexual scenario.
It's entirely possible that there are 100 broken hearted women out there, wondering why you weren't interested in them, because you didn't react to their subtle cues. I probably won't get any points for this, but if you're the kind of guy who thinks of yourself in terms like "I"m not good with women" or "I never know what to say to women" then consider spending some time engaging with the PUA community. Read Neil Strauss' book The Game at a minimum. You may find some interesting revelations there.
Speaking as a woman myself, I wholeheartedly agree with your comment about women not showing that they are interested in a man. I have been in relationships with three or four men who had no idea I was interested in them initially; I was expecting them to make the first move, which they did after a long while. I hate to think of the number of potentially wonderful relationships I have missed out on because I never made the first move.
Seriously seriously seriously OP, you've got to try to make the first move. Women, regrettably, are inherently passive about this sort of thing.
Seriously seriously seriously OP, you've got to try to make the first move. Women, regrettably, are inherently passive about this sort of thing.
> I have always got advice that be confident.
This is what you need to focus on. You need to be confident to sell. We are always selling. You had to sell to land your job, maybe you can look at what you did right there and use that as something to build on.
> Despite trying multiple times and many many changes I still feel like I never get a girls attention.
None of us do.
> I go on date once in a while but I never had second date.
Here is your problem. Dating is a numbers game. The more attempts you make, the more you are going to connect. But also, the more confident you will get, the more natural it will feel and generally the better you will get.
As with sales, if you aren't getting many opportunities, then you need to find them, create them and generally do whatever you can to line up more of them. That means you need to make changes from what you are currently doing. Make a list of changes you can make (activities, meetups, hobbies) and hit the pavement. The facetime you are getting with opportunities is your main metric (at least for the start) - if you are growing this, then you are well on your way.
As with sales, you can either wait for sales to come to you and get down on yourself when you aren't closing. Or you can get out and aggressively push your "product." Who wins in this scenario? You have to grow thick skin. You can't obtain happiness without experiencing the pain of failure. Making a sale and getting rejected are two sides of the same coin. You can't have one without the other. If you can't hang with the negative side, then you don't deserve the positive.
Selling in this case is just weaving a story and convincing people to listen. That's the first win. Attention is scarce and valuable. If you can hold someones attention, then you are winning. Then you have to weave a possible alternate reality for that first date which is potentially better than all the other alternatives. A great story that your potential date could see herself being a part of.
You got this. We are all social creatures. People will be attracted to you just for that reason alone. You have friends. You landed a job. You have family who want to talk to you. There are others out there who would love to spend time with you. Put in the effort and show them WHY they want to spend time with you.
This is what you need to focus on. You need to be confident to sell. We are always selling. You had to sell to land your job, maybe you can look at what you did right there and use that as something to build on.
> Despite trying multiple times and many many changes I still feel like I never get a girls attention.
None of us do.
> I go on date once in a while but I never had second date.
Here is your problem. Dating is a numbers game. The more attempts you make, the more you are going to connect. But also, the more confident you will get, the more natural it will feel and generally the better you will get.
As with sales, if you aren't getting many opportunities, then you need to find them, create them and generally do whatever you can to line up more of them. That means you need to make changes from what you are currently doing. Make a list of changes you can make (activities, meetups, hobbies) and hit the pavement. The facetime you are getting with opportunities is your main metric (at least for the start) - if you are growing this, then you are well on your way.
As with sales, you can either wait for sales to come to you and get down on yourself when you aren't closing. Or you can get out and aggressively push your "product." Who wins in this scenario? You have to grow thick skin. You can't obtain happiness without experiencing the pain of failure. Making a sale and getting rejected are two sides of the same coin. You can't have one without the other. If you can't hang with the negative side, then you don't deserve the positive.
Selling in this case is just weaving a story and convincing people to listen. That's the first win. Attention is scarce and valuable. If you can hold someones attention, then you are winning. Then you have to weave a possible alternate reality for that first date which is potentially better than all the other alternatives. A great story that your potential date could see herself being a part of.
You got this. We are all social creatures. People will be attracted to you just for that reason alone. You have friends. You landed a job. You have family who want to talk to you. There are others out there who would love to spend time with you. Put in the effort and show them WHY they want to spend time with you.
Dude, there are zillions other people who go through the same in life and feel something very similar.
However, you are far ahead of many by acknowledging that there is a problem and money is not the only thing. Kudos for that.
Besides, as a typical indian male (i am one too), you seem to be awefully desperate to get laid (given your reference to women/girl friends etc). Trust me, life isn't all about marriage, kids and dates. Yes, they are very important but first, it is about YOU.
You might have rushed through the first few years of your adult/professional life and arrived where you are today but take a step back. Think about YOU. Look at what you are good at and what you need to work on. Just a few things. Don't try to be someone you are not at the core.
If you were an achiever ever, you still are. That hasn't gone anywhere. You have just stopped believing in yourself based on parameters the "world" considers as criteria for success/fun/adulthood. Live your life. If you can do just one thing today, go and help some people with those 120K you make every year. I have worked in the bay area ages ago and I know how it feels. Your problem is lack of belongingness. Go, create an impact in other people's lives and life will love you back. and yes, that woman/girl you want in your life will follow you but if you ask me, don't go looking for it. If you do the other things I talked about, the HIGH you will get will be awesome. If you do get a pretty girl :), please let me know. I will tell other folks that I helped you (in someways) get one:). Chill out. Life is awesome even when it is not.
You might have rushed through the first few years of your adult/professional life and arrived where you are today but take a step back. Think about YOU. Look at what you are good at and what you need to work on. Just a few things. Don't try to be someone you are not at the core.
If you were an achiever ever, you still are. That hasn't gone anywhere. You have just stopped believing in yourself based on parameters the "world" considers as criteria for success/fun/adulthood. Live your life. If you can do just one thing today, go and help some people with those 120K you make every year. I have worked in the bay area ages ago and I know how it feels. Your problem is lack of belongingness. Go, create an impact in other people's lives and life will love you back. and yes, that woman/girl you want in your life will follow you but if you ask me, don't go looking for it. If you do the other things I talked about, the HIGH you will get will be awesome. If you do get a pretty girl :), please let me know. I will tell other folks that I helped you (in someways) get one:). Chill out. Life is awesome even when it is not.
I read all the comments here and only one other suggested therapy or counselling. So before you 'shake everything up', 'engage with the PUA community' or 'shave your head', go to a doctor and describe how you feel about your life. They will be able to advise you whether what you are describing is normal, or symptomatic of a mental illness.
Do not take this as a diagnosis, but you sound like you have depression. The good news is that depression is treatable, either through therapy, lifestyle changes, or medication. Many other people suffer from depression; it's a thoroughly modern illness, albeit one that still carries some stigma.
I recovered from depression over a period of about 18 months, starting from the age of 25, and I can say this much about it: you cannot expect people to start loving you until you love yourself. (Family is an exception: they already love you. Turn to them for support.) And you really need a qualified external opinion on your situation. Solving your own depression is like trying to get airborne by pulling on your shoelaces.
Do not take this as a diagnosis, but you sound like you have depression. The good news is that depression is treatable, either through therapy, lifestyle changes, or medication. Many other people suffer from depression; it's a thoroughly modern illness, albeit one that still carries some stigma.
I recovered from depression over a period of about 18 months, starting from the age of 25, and I can say this much about it: you cannot expect people to start loving you until you love yourself. (Family is an exception: they already love you. Turn to them for support.) And you really need a qualified external opinion on your situation. Solving your own depression is like trying to get airborne by pulling on your shoelaces.
I'd like to take this one step less. Talk to a therapist because it's therapeutic. They might think there is an issue but as much as anything someone can listen to your problems and offer some advice without judgement. They are awesome.
I feel like I was in a similar boat to you. I was living somewhere I didn't like, doing work I didn't like, and felt like I didn't know where I was going. I decided to shake things up and move to the Bay Area and force myself to be more social. A months later, I met the woman who would be my wife before I moved and stayed around with her to try out the relationship. It worked at well. We live in the bay now and just had our 2nd child. My life and work have purpose and I am happy. It was not always easy, and it feels awful right now. Good luck, I hope you find what I have.
I feel like I was in a similar boat to you. I was living somewhere I didn't like, doing work I didn't like, and felt like I didn't know where I was going. I decided to shake things up and move to the Bay Area and force myself to be more social. A months later, I met the woman who would be my wife before I moved and stayed around with her to try out the relationship. It worked at well. We live in the bay now and just had our 2nd child. My life and work have purpose and I am happy. It was not always easy, and it feels awful right now. Good luck, I hope you find what I have.
I respect your suggestion as therapy is an extremely important part of tackling any issue of mind. I do feel, however, treatment should be physician led, especially since there could be a physical issue that both the OP and a therapist may not pick up on. It doesn't seem likely but then again: I'm no physician.
Books, as I've recommended else where, such as Feeling Good by David Burns can also help. Of all the self-help books available, ones based in science and backed with research will help best.
I hope all comments here give you a new way forward and some hope. The best thing to help yourself is to avidly research as much as you can about mood, treatment, advice and strategies so you become your own expert of the problem you face.
Of all indicators of a successful outcome in psychiatric treatment, deep insight into the problem is a big one. After all, a problem thoroughly understood is half the problem solved.
Books, as I've recommended else where, such as Feeling Good by David Burns can also help. Of all the self-help books available, ones based in science and backed with research will help best.
I hope all comments here give you a new way forward and some hope. The best thing to help yourself is to avidly research as much as you can about mood, treatment, advice and strategies so you become your own expert of the problem you face.
Of all indicators of a successful outcome in psychiatric treatment, deep insight into the problem is a big one. After all, a problem thoroughly understood is half the problem solved.
I'm 30, bald since I turned 21, married, divorced, one child, Software engineer like you. Best advice I can give you is to keep dating. Dont look for commitment. You're too young. DO ask for second dates. Women expect you to ask. Only one in 100 will ask you, and half of those do it out of desperation. You don't want that. Make the first move and play the field. Have your midlife crisis in 12-15 years. It is statistically what you'll end up doing anyway.
Biologists have presented you with some startling evidence that living creatures change themselves dramatically
to ensure their survival in a particular environment. Life is self adapting. An insect in the Amazon playas has wings that look exactly like the flowers of the tree upon which it thrives. A bird has a beak that is shaped exactly right to gather nectar deep within a particular flower in its forest. A beetle puffs itself up to double its size to frighten off predators. Most plants, animals and insects have unique biological anomalies that ensure its life cycle in a very special place. How did the creature know how to
change itself so accurately? Can you suppose that a moth is smarter than you; that it can alter its own DNA?
The butterfly, whose wings look like flowers, has eyes and a sense of logic, and certainly a desire to stay alive being a butterfly. Its simple desire went forth as a signal to alert a greater intelligence who, by law, was able to assist the DNA change in exactly the way the butterfly had described. The butterfly literally said to itself, in butterfly language, “If I were to look exactly like these flowers where I spend my happy hours feeding, the predators would not see me here and I could avoid a horrible death.” And so it was. Desire propels a signal to where it needs to go.
Humans use the same adaptive biological process, but they are often slowed down by traditions and lack of trust. If a human wants to fly he settles for an airplane - because he has learned to understand and trust airplanes. It is possible that a human could grow wings and fly. And then again, he wants to remain a “human”. He is literally afraid of radical change from what his ideal “humanness” is like. The butterfly wanted to remain a butterfly, but one that looked like a flower. The human is very limited by his ideals. A human could live 300 years, but then he would look funny and old and everyone would hate him - he thinks.
We would like to propose that the joys of humanness could be presented in an attractive but radically different manner. If you could know yourself as a Creator Wave Form that kept your personality and identity intact, you might find it quite interesting to change forms, to alter your appearance at will. Think about what opportunities might be in the cosmos to accommodate your desires. Owls and alligators remain unchanged over millions of years. Why? Because they were so successful and happy being owls and alligators that they stayed that way. Dissatisfaction has many advantages. This is not a joke. Think about how you might want to change. Believe that you can.
The butterfly, whose wings look like flowers, has eyes and a sense of logic, and certainly a desire to stay alive being a butterfly. Its simple desire went forth as a signal to alert a greater intelligence who, by law, was able to assist the DNA change in exactly the way the butterfly had described. The butterfly literally said to itself, in butterfly language, “If I were to look exactly like these flowers where I spend my happy hours feeding, the predators would not see me here and I could avoid a horrible death.” And so it was. Desire propels a signal to where it needs to go.
Humans use the same adaptive biological process, but they are often slowed down by traditions and lack of trust. If a human wants to fly he settles for an airplane - because he has learned to understand and trust airplanes. It is possible that a human could grow wings and fly. And then again, he wants to remain a “human”. He is literally afraid of radical change from what his ideal “humanness” is like. The butterfly wanted to remain a butterfly, but one that looked like a flower. The human is very limited by his ideals. A human could live 300 years, but then he would look funny and old and everyone would hate him - he thinks.
We would like to propose that the joys of humanness could be presented in an attractive but radically different manner. If you could know yourself as a Creator Wave Form that kept your personality and identity intact, you might find it quite interesting to change forms, to alter your appearance at will. Think about what opportunities might be in the cosmos to accommodate your desires. Owls and alligators remain unchanged over millions of years. Why? Because they were so successful and happy being owls and alligators that they stayed that way. Dissatisfaction has many advantages. This is not a joke. Think about how you might want to change. Believe that you can.
This ! Probably the most profound thing I have ever read in a long long time.
I will get downvoted for this promptly, but have a look at Reddit Red Pill:
https://www.reddit.com/r/TheRedPill
They are giving useful advice as opposed to "just be yourself"
https://www.reddit.com/r/TheRedPill
They are giving useful advice as opposed to "just be yourself"
1) Ask your parents (or other relatives) to find you a bride in India.
2) If that does not work - move to either another part of the US (with male/female ratio more favorable to you) or go to India for a year or two until you find a wife there.
2) If that does not work - move to either another part of the US (with male/female ratio more favorable to you) or go to India for a year or two until you find a wife there.
I am not bald. Sometimes I also get depressed as hell, the only thing which helps is exercise.
See a trichologist for your hair, if it helps get implants, or just shave your head and forget about it.
Work-out (if you already do, work out harder and heavier), eat well and do something challenging in your free time (learn Chinese, learn to play the flute, etc etc). You will feel much better in a month.
See a trichologist for your hair, if it helps get implants, or just shave your head and forget about it.
Work-out (if you already do, work out harder and heavier), eat well and do something challenging in your free time (learn Chinese, learn to play the flute, etc etc). You will feel much better in a month.
Bull... And quite normal to feel on that age, I had the same...
What you need is reachable goals to set for yourself, goals that are not dependent on others to achieve.
This way you are solely resposible for the outcomes of these goals.
Start with giving your brains the temple it deserves by doing https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Calisthenics
If you do that for one or two years start to give yourself further goals.
That's all!!
What you need is reachable goals to set for yourself, goals that are not dependent on others to achieve.
This way you are solely resposible for the outcomes of these goals.
Start with giving your brains the temple it deserves by doing https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Calisthenics
If you do that for one or two years start to give yourself further goals.
That's all!!
Hit the gym.
It does not matter how you look, or how much hair you have left on your head when it is attached to a well built body.
And know what the funny thing is. We all look same on the inside. I am pretty sure your skeleton and the skeleton of Brad Pitt looks the same (Save for a difference in height). What you have on the outside, can be changed. Muscle can be built and fat can be lost. The only think that matters is, "How bad you want it?" (Also how many depressed body builders have you seen?)
So go on hit the gym (A good one with a good trainer, I guess you can easily afford that). Turn your desperation into muscle (But don't overdo and don't skip leg workouts).
And, this is very important, do not expect shit to change overnight. Actually don't expect anything. Just hit the gym and work your ass out. Never stop and ask yourselves. "What is the point anyway?". After an initial spurt of growth, your progress will probably hit a plateau. But just keep at it, even after you stop growing.
You can also join some dance classes, or martial arts classes. Force yourself to get out more often and meet more people.
And eventually you will start to see things differently. Good luck.
It does not matter how you look, or how much hair you have left on your head when it is attached to a well built body.
And know what the funny thing is. We all look same on the inside. I am pretty sure your skeleton and the skeleton of Brad Pitt looks the same (Save for a difference in height). What you have on the outside, can be changed. Muscle can be built and fat can be lost. The only think that matters is, "How bad you want it?" (Also how many depressed body builders have you seen?)
So go on hit the gym (A good one with a good trainer, I guess you can easily afford that). Turn your desperation into muscle (But don't overdo and don't skip leg workouts).
And, this is very important, do not expect shit to change overnight. Actually don't expect anything. Just hit the gym and work your ass out. Never stop and ask yourselves. "What is the point anyway?". After an initial spurt of growth, your progress will probably hit a plateau. But just keep at it, even after you stop growing.
You can also join some dance classes, or martial arts classes. Force yourself to get out more often and meet more people.
And eventually you will start to see things differently. Good luck.
A friend of mine have read your post. He doesn't have an account, so I include here his message:
Dude, I know your situation very well from my own life experience. 100% familiar. I've gone past it. If you wanna know how - keep reading:
1. If you've reached undesired places in your life - it for sure means that you've followed the wrong roads. Gone the wrong path for you. What you harvest now, is the plants you've been sowing all of your life, until now. Keep sowing the same seeds, you'll keep harvesting the same results. I would suggest you to doubt and question everything you thought and believed about life, and recalculate route... ;-)
2. Here are the good news: Have you asked yourself why do you post this question here in the web, instead of jumping out of the window?.. What is that urge inside you that makes you wanna live?? Wanna be happy?? Block all your thoughts aside, just focus on that infinitely deep urge of inside of you, that made you come here and ask for help. This urge alone is the answer, the key for you to get out of the mud, and live your life the way you want them to be. You might, however, have to let go and give up things (you think) you want - in order to break out of your own jail. In other words - GET OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE. Don't hold anything back. Drop all of your attachments. Be willing TO SACRIFICE EVERYTHING, in order to attain that which is really important to you. Do you even know what it is?.. If not, finding it out will be a good start. ;-)
3. Get into a group of ppl like you. A group of searchers. Study together, practice together, share your experience s and problems with each other. That's crucial for you and will help you way beyond you can imagine. Just do it. I've started by searching google with all questions I had about life, girls, love. Don't prejudge anything. Go with whatever speaks to your heart.
If it feels good - you're on the right way!!!
4. Lack of sex IS the reason for you unwillingness to live. Sex is life force in our body. Once that vital enrgey is surpressed and block inside of us, all of the universe becomes meaningless!!! I want you to notice a very important point: These two problems are circularly dependant!!! They CREATE EACH OTHER. You are caught in a loop of no sex - no life desire - no sex - and so on. One sure way to break out of this miserable loop was given to you in part 2 in my answer. :-)
I could write here a whole book for you, but I think you got enough. I will finish with a quote of Tyler Durden (fight club, (RSD one is also highly recommended)): "It's only after you've lost everything, that you are free to do anything."
Have an awesome journey.
Dude, I know your situation very well from my own life experience. 100% familiar. I've gone past it. If you wanna know how - keep reading:
1. If you've reached undesired places in your life - it for sure means that you've followed the wrong roads. Gone the wrong path for you. What you harvest now, is the plants you've been sowing all of your life, until now. Keep sowing the same seeds, you'll keep harvesting the same results. I would suggest you to doubt and question everything you thought and believed about life, and recalculate route... ;-)
2. Here are the good news: Have you asked yourself why do you post this question here in the web, instead of jumping out of the window?.. What is that urge inside you that makes you wanna live?? Wanna be happy?? Block all your thoughts aside, just focus on that infinitely deep urge of inside of you, that made you come here and ask for help. This urge alone is the answer, the key for you to get out of the mud, and live your life the way you want them to be. You might, however, have to let go and give up things (you think) you want - in order to break out of your own jail. In other words - GET OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE. Don't hold anything back. Drop all of your attachments. Be willing TO SACRIFICE EVERYTHING, in order to attain that which is really important to you. Do you even know what it is?.. If not, finding it out will be a good start. ;-)
3. Get into a group of ppl like you. A group of searchers. Study together, practice together, share your experience s and problems with each other. That's crucial for you and will help you way beyond you can imagine. Just do it. I've started by searching google with all questions I had about life, girls, love. Don't prejudge anything. Go with whatever speaks to your heart.
If it feels good - you're on the right way!!!
4. Lack of sex IS the reason for you unwillingness to live. Sex is life force in our body. Once that vital enrgey is surpressed and block inside of us, all of the universe becomes meaningless!!! I want you to notice a very important point: These two problems are circularly dependant!!! They CREATE EACH OTHER. You are caught in a loop of no sex - no life desire - no sex - and so on. One sure way to break out of this miserable loop was given to you in part 2 in my answer. :-)
I could write here a whole book for you, but I think you got enough. I will finish with a quote of Tyler Durden (fight club, (RSD one is also highly recommended)): "It's only after you've lost everything, that you are free to do anything."
Have an awesome journey.
Get the fuck out of the office; you work too much.
Do not waste time with doctors/shrinks. There's nothing wrong with you.
1) Get in the car and take a road trip. The US has some of
the most spectacular scenery in the world.
2) Even better would be to do a road trip and go camping.
3) Best of all would be a backpacking trip.
Do not waste time with doctors/shrinks. There's nothing wrong with you.
A few thoughts.
1. Keep your head up. If you don't these feelings will get worse. Remember who you are, what makes you happy and why your happiness is important. You can't make someone else happy if you are not happy yourself.
2. Talk to a Dr. They are qualified to help get to the root cause of why you are feeling less than ideal about yourself.
3. Make sure you have a work, life, balance. Work and then get out of the office and enjoy the fresh air.
4. Eat properly. Get some exercise. This works for me. When I feel down I hit the gym extra hard.
5. Get a hobby that isn't your day job. Go to public places to enjoy your hobby if you can. This might help you meet people.
6. Don't worry about dating. Try to make friends. Enjoy them. Build a relationship with them. Maybe they can help you get dates too. They would also be there for support if the dates don't go well.
7. `Smushing` sounds like a Jersey Shore term. I don't think a female wants to hear this out of a males mouth. It might be just me, but I wouldn't let any woman I wanted to date hear me use that.
8. Don't worry about looks, possessions, housing, car, etc. Most all women, I think, would rather find a guy that treats them right, values them, makes them feel like they are the most important thing in life versus all these other things. I had to uproot my wife and kid to be able to afford to make ends meet and buy my wife a house. We were able to move cross country and afford to buy a small house on a lake for about $150K. This made my wife happier than I could have imagined and I don't stress about paying for it. I am an average guy with a beautiful wife and I never had a lot of money or possessions to offer. At one point, my car exploded on a freeway and I could not afford to buy another one. This didn't detour her at all.
9. Lastly, find good in yourself. If you can't, "find a better mirror." Repeat Item #1.
I wish you the best. If you need to talk, so many of us here want to listen and help. Please let us help.
Edit: typos
1. Keep your head up. If you don't these feelings will get worse. Remember who you are, what makes you happy and why your happiness is important. You can't make someone else happy if you are not happy yourself.
2. Talk to a Dr. They are qualified to help get to the root cause of why you are feeling less than ideal about yourself.
3. Make sure you have a work, life, balance. Work and then get out of the office and enjoy the fresh air.
4. Eat properly. Get some exercise. This works for me. When I feel down I hit the gym extra hard.
5. Get a hobby that isn't your day job. Go to public places to enjoy your hobby if you can. This might help you meet people.
6. Don't worry about dating. Try to make friends. Enjoy them. Build a relationship with them. Maybe they can help you get dates too. They would also be there for support if the dates don't go well.
7. `Smushing` sounds like a Jersey Shore term. I don't think a female wants to hear this out of a males mouth. It might be just me, but I wouldn't let any woman I wanted to date hear me use that.
8. Don't worry about looks, possessions, housing, car, etc. Most all women, I think, would rather find a guy that treats them right, values them, makes them feel like they are the most important thing in life versus all these other things. I had to uproot my wife and kid to be able to afford to make ends meet and buy my wife a house. We were able to move cross country and afford to buy a small house on a lake for about $150K. This made my wife happier than I could have imagined and I don't stress about paying for it. I am an average guy with a beautiful wife and I never had a lot of money or possessions to offer. At one point, my car exploded on a freeway and I could not afford to buy another one. This didn't detour her at all.
9. Lastly, find good in yourself. If you can't, "find a better mirror." Repeat Item #1.
I wish you the best. If you need to talk, so many of us here want to listen and help. Please let us help.
Edit: typos
I have always suffered from premature baldness. Well , I have always got advice that be confident. Despite trying multiple times and many many changes I still feel like I never get a girls attention. I go on date once in a while but I never had second date.
No girl or women , I mean not a single one has ever shown interest in me for last 10 yrs. It's not hygiene issue for sure. I am physically fit as well. I am 140 lbs having height of 5'8".
At work, I feel like I got hired as something else and I am doing lower level role work now.
I have lost all interest in my life. I amno longer achiever I was once. I feel like everything is in vain. People of my age smash left snd right, get engaged or married or pop kids and here I am a miserable fuck. I can't get a single women or single close friend.
I think I have failed myself and everyone who kept high expectations of me.
Unfortunately :-(