Ask HN: What habits have you managed to change?
What habits have you managed to introduce or get rid of, particularly if you are over 30 years old?
85 comments
Gave up:
- alcohol
- marijuana
- ecstacy
- coke
- amphetamines
- cigarettes and vaping
- all animal products (meat, leather, etc)
- gluten
- videogames
- porn
- social media except reddit/hn
- working
Started: - lifting weights (sent on for two years before stopping due to covid gym closures) - running - reading recreationally (discovered I really enjoy sci fi), prior to that only read learning material like textbooks and documentation.
The list goes on. I am in a constant state of reinvention. Deep down I am also miserable and always have been, hence the self medication, the constant quitting, and being in a seemingly permanent exploratory phase. I'm in my 30's and thought things would have made more sense by now. I can only superficially relate to others, even conversations with my 'best friends' are basically just small talk. I thought I was depressed but despite repeated visits to mental health professionals, none have been able to help: sessions amount to them just nodding and go 'wow... Well guess we'll see how you feel next visit' untiI I eventually stop going.
Sorry if my post seems negative, the previous paragraph just sort of... emerged as I was reflecting on the things I've quit over the last few years.
Started: - lifting weights (sent on for two years before stopping due to covid gym closures) - running - reading recreationally (discovered I really enjoy sci fi), prior to that only read learning material like textbooks and documentation.
The list goes on. I am in a constant state of reinvention. Deep down I am also miserable and always have been, hence the self medication, the constant quitting, and being in a seemingly permanent exploratory phase. I'm in my 30's and thought things would have made more sense by now. I can only superficially relate to others, even conversations with my 'best friends' are basically just small talk. I thought I was depressed but despite repeated visits to mental health professionals, none have been able to help: sessions amount to them just nodding and go 'wow... Well guess we'll see how you feel next visit' untiI I eventually stop going.
Sorry if my post seems negative, the previous paragraph just sort of... emerged as I was reflecting on the things I've quit over the last few years.
Hey friend - Good on you for quitting all that stuff. Thats just impressive.
I have 2 book recommendations for you. One is The Culture Series if you haven't run into it. Some of my favorite scifi. I used to be the same way where I would read almost entirely nonfiction and started reading a bunch of scifi. I'm actually more likely to read fiction in general now.
The other one is a book called "Feeling Great" by Dr. David Burns. It talks about some of the newer techniques he has developed. You may find the book itself to be helpful, or while reading it you might find it interesting to try to find a therapist who is using the TEAM-CBT technique he talks about in the book. There is also the Feeling Good podcast. I've only listened to a little bit of that so I can't recommend it or not.
In any case. I'm sorry you're feeling that way. Remember that just because you feel this way now, doesn't mean that you'll always feel this way. Life has a lot of seasons.
I have 2 book recommendations for you. One is The Culture Series if you haven't run into it. Some of my favorite scifi. I used to be the same way where I would read almost entirely nonfiction and started reading a bunch of scifi. I'm actually more likely to read fiction in general now.
The other one is a book called "Feeling Great" by Dr. David Burns. It talks about some of the newer techniques he has developed. You may find the book itself to be helpful, or while reading it you might find it interesting to try to find a therapist who is using the TEAM-CBT technique he talks about in the book. There is also the Feeling Good podcast. I've only listened to a little bit of that so I can't recommend it or not.
In any case. I'm sorry you're feeling that way. Remember that just because you feel this way now, doesn't mean that you'll always feel this way. Life has a lot of seasons.
Your comment really resonates with me, many thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings.
There are two sides of the coin: you as an individual, and society.
As an individual, you're doing the right things by focussing on playing your cards well. Running is much better in the long term than getting drunk or high, no question about that :)
In regards to society, the reality is that consumerism have intentionally promoted narcissism, 'use and throw away' mentality, disloyalty and other character traits that lead to anxiety, perpetual insatisfaction and disconnection with others. No wonder why a large part of the population suffers from stress, anxiety, loneliness, etc. Most people over 40 I know are on some sort of mood-control drugs.
We live in a world where companies are allowed to bombard people to a point where it's inevitable to live without seeing ads everywhere. It's not only the prevalence of ads which is problematic, it's the fact that those ads exploit brain weaknesses to make people unsatisfied with their life. Always desiring new things. Always thinking what they have is not enough, what they do is not enough because company ads and social media project images of people that are both false and unrealistic. All this for their own profit.
Technology just made things worse by blending ads with information, and making us lose focus on the important stuff by requiring attention all the time.
I find the ad-age repugnant and highly damaging to people. We're no longer able to connect with others at a deep level. We're no longer able to think with focus and perspective. We have 100 things in our mind that require urgent attention, so there's no time to be happy. People are now sitting in front of each other and not being able to really listen because their brain has other things in their mind. More than 90% of the people I know are unable to have a healthy level empathy and connect with others. Their noses are buried too deep in their belly buttons.
For the 10% who listens and care, this world is a very frustrating and sad place. So they stop listening and caring, thus perpetuating the toxic cycle.
The way I deal with this problem is by focussing on my own expectations. I no longer expect people to listen or care. I know humans are highly unloyal and unreliable these days, so I rather seek happiness elsewhere (philosophy, arts, knowledge, etc.). From a society's standpoint I became the misanthrope, anti-social hermit that no one wants to be around. And I couldn't be happier :) The moment I dropped desire and expectations to be 'normal', 'social', etc. my sadness and unhapiness went away.
I hope you also find your own path, my friend.
There are two sides of the coin: you as an individual, and society.
As an individual, you're doing the right things by focussing on playing your cards well. Running is much better in the long term than getting drunk or high, no question about that :)
In regards to society, the reality is that consumerism have intentionally promoted narcissism, 'use and throw away' mentality, disloyalty and other character traits that lead to anxiety, perpetual insatisfaction and disconnection with others. No wonder why a large part of the population suffers from stress, anxiety, loneliness, etc. Most people over 40 I know are on some sort of mood-control drugs.
We live in a world where companies are allowed to bombard people to a point where it's inevitable to live without seeing ads everywhere. It's not only the prevalence of ads which is problematic, it's the fact that those ads exploit brain weaknesses to make people unsatisfied with their life. Always desiring new things. Always thinking what they have is not enough, what they do is not enough because company ads and social media project images of people that are both false and unrealistic. All this for their own profit.
Technology just made things worse by blending ads with information, and making us lose focus on the important stuff by requiring attention all the time.
I find the ad-age repugnant and highly damaging to people. We're no longer able to connect with others at a deep level. We're no longer able to think with focus and perspective. We have 100 things in our mind that require urgent attention, so there's no time to be happy. People are now sitting in front of each other and not being able to really listen because their brain has other things in their mind. More than 90% of the people I know are unable to have a healthy level empathy and connect with others. Their noses are buried too deep in their belly buttons.
For the 10% who listens and care, this world is a very frustrating and sad place. So they stop listening and caring, thus perpetuating the toxic cycle.
The way I deal with this problem is by focussing on my own expectations. I no longer expect people to listen or care. I know humans are highly unloyal and unreliable these days, so I rather seek happiness elsewhere (philosophy, arts, knowledge, etc.). From a society's standpoint I became the misanthrope, anti-social hermit that no one wants to be around. And I couldn't be happier :) The moment I dropped desire and expectations to be 'normal', 'social', etc. my sadness and unhapiness went away.
I hope you also find your own path, my friend.
shit this is me
Arguing to win.
I read "Crucial Conversations" around the time I turned 35 and it changed how I manage conflict in my relationships. These days I always first try and understand why someone is upset (pro-tip: it's frequently not what they lead with).
I read "Crucial Conversations" around the time I turned 35 and it changed how I manage conflict in my relationships. These days I always first try and understand why someone is upset (pro-tip: it's frequently not what they lead with).
One of my favourite lines form Dale Carnegie's "How to Win Friends and Influence People":
> You can't win an argument. You can't because if you lose it, you lose it; and if you win it, you lose it
I also love this more general one from Marcus Aurelius' Meditations:
> A cucumber is bitter. Throw it away. There are briars in the road. Turn aside from them. This is enough. Do not add, "And why were such things made in the world?"
> You can't win an argument. You can't because if you lose it, you lose it; and if you win it, you lose it
I also love this more general one from Marcus Aurelius' Meditations:
> A cucumber is bitter. Throw it away. There are briars in the road. Turn aside from them. This is enough. Do not add, "And why were such things made in the world?"
Also the fifth (and most important and effective, IMO) Habit:
Seek first to understand, then to be understood.
Seek first to understand, then to be understood.
Just wanted to let you know that I read this book on your recommendation and think it's among the best self-help books I've ever read. At least as important as 7 Habits, which was my previous favorite. Thanks for the tip.
> These days I always first try and understand why someone is upset
aka “Seek to understand before seeking to be understood”. I’m an atheist who happens to find great value in the St. Francis Prayer.
aka “Seek to understand before seeking to be understood”. I’m an atheist who happens to find great value in the St. Francis Prayer.
I stopped overdelivering.
It just meant they expected even more, and being a cog in a giant machine meant my contributions were averaged out by those who did the bare minimum (or worse).
It was easy once I became disillusioned with my area of work...
I'm in some intermediate state right now.
It just meant they expected even more, and being a cog in a giant machine meant my contributions were averaged out by those who did the bare minimum (or worse).
It was easy once I became disillusioned with my area of work...
I'm in some intermediate state right now.
I recently started doing this too. I tend to always push myself and try to deliver as much as I can, limited by time and energy — it was hard to get rid of this habit, so I tried to create things outside of work to "bound" that time/energy limit.
I started with a challenge of reading and summarizing one ML/CS paper per day, which requires a reasonable enough amount of energy and time that I have to make sure to allocate outside of work. It was a catalyst to help me get back into "reclaiming" a portion of my time and mental energy, and I started getting back into side projects.
Taking back my time has given me a lot more purpose and meaning, and brings me back to a sense of curiosity and optimism about technology that I haven't had in a while. It's amazing what feeling some ownership can do, and how much better I feel putting my time and effort into things outside of work.
Note: initially I tried to "bound my work-related energy" with non-technical goals, like running and mountaineering. It worked to distract me, but I feel like I needed an intellectual bound as well as a physical one.
I started with a challenge of reading and summarizing one ML/CS paper per day, which requires a reasonable enough amount of energy and time that I have to make sure to allocate outside of work. It was a catalyst to help me get back into "reclaiming" a portion of my time and mental energy, and I started getting back into side projects.
Taking back my time has given me a lot more purpose and meaning, and brings me back to a sense of curiosity and optimism about technology that I haven't had in a while. It's amazing what feeling some ownership can do, and how much better I feel putting my time and effort into things outside of work.
Note: initially I tried to "bound my work-related energy" with non-technical goals, like running and mountaineering. It worked to distract me, but I feel like I needed an intellectual bound as well as a physical one.
> I stopped overdelivering.
If I could go back 20 years and talk to 20yo me this is one of the things I'd tell them.
Any level of work you put in over the minimum just becomes the new minimum.
Learning to say no and sticking to it would have dramatically improved my life (it did when I figured this out around 30).
Career has gone from strength to strength ever since.
If I could go back 20 years and talk to 20yo me this is one of the things I'd tell them.
Any level of work you put in over the minimum just becomes the new minimum.
Learning to say no and sticking to it would have dramatically improved my life (it did when I figured this out around 30).
Career has gone from strength to strength ever since.
Learning to say _no_ can be difficult for some. I certainly figured it out too late to save myself from burnout.
It's worse when line managers or colleagues can see this and take advantage of it.
Boundaries are important...
It's worse when line managers or colleagues can see this and take advantage of it.
Boundaries are important...
In my case it led to a reputation for getting things done correctly on time.
Because I'd only say yes if I actually thought it was possible - the thing I realised is that the push back on estimations is only at the start of a project, all they remember at the end is you said X, it took X.
Because I'd only say yes if I actually thought it was possible - the thing I realised is that the push back on estimations is only at the start of a project, all they remember at the end is you said X, it took X.
Ever notice how people praise others? It is always hard-working, law abiding etc, with hard-working almost always the first in the list, as if that is the most important thing in a human's life. Somehow we have convinced ourselves that working as much as possible is the best use of our time. The saddest/ironic part of it is that most of that work is just meaningless drudgery anyway.
Last year, the company I worked for laid off a few dozen people because of Covid. They simply turned off their logins one morning - no warning, not even a pretense of feeling bad. Some of those people had worked for the company for 10, 15 years. At least a handful of those were considered super important high performers. In the end, none of that mattered. It was all about profit and loss. I am not even bitter that they were laid off (it was a business after all), but it was the ugly and inhumane way it was done.
All this to say, it is enough to do a good job for what we are paid for. Nothing more, unless you're working on something super important that would benefit mankind, like developing Covid vaccine. Otherwise it is just plain stupid to do more than what is expected.
Last year, the company I worked for laid off a few dozen people because of Covid. They simply turned off their logins one morning - no warning, not even a pretense of feeling bad. Some of those people had worked for the company for 10, 15 years. At least a handful of those were considered super important high performers. In the end, none of that mattered. It was all about profit and loss. I am not even bitter that they were laid off (it was a business after all), but it was the ugly and inhumane way it was done.
All this to say, it is enough to do a good job for what we are paid for. Nothing more, unless you're working on something super important that would benefit mankind, like developing Covid vaccine. Otherwise it is just plain stupid to do more than what is expected.
I feel like this is harmful as a person. This happens a lot in all my jobs. My resume is dotted with me leaving jobs, but it's mostly in response to this phenomenon. I love overdelivering, but it's always punished.
No good deed goes unpunished.
This is a big one I still sort of struggle with.
I reprogrammed myself to no longer be annoyed. Here is how:
I started by learning how to do breath meditation. It is a basic attention exercise when I put all my attention into my breathing, in the belly or at the nostrils, the same way I pay attention to where paintbrush touches the paper.
I then committed myself to immediately start breath meditation whenever I found myself annoyed. I practiced primarily in three areas: loud and high-pitched noises, waiting for something, and work meetings. Anytime it happened, I would, internally, go into putting my attention to my breath.
After a while, I noticed that my "catch" would happen sooner. When I was first starting out, it would happen when I was already full-on feeling annoyed. But then I started catching myself when I was "beginning to get annoyed", and then when "about to begin getting annoyed".
Eventually, my emotional response to these annoying events, which I now believe to be largely learned, has become unwired, and I no longer experience that feeling, emotional state, and all the debilitating consequences.
Sure, it still happens now and then. And I'm still bothered by noises which are too loud-- I wear ear plugs often. But overall, this has been a huge deal in terms of changing my "quality of experience" day-to-day.
I started by learning how to do breath meditation. It is a basic attention exercise when I put all my attention into my breathing, in the belly or at the nostrils, the same way I pay attention to where paintbrush touches the paper.
I then committed myself to immediately start breath meditation whenever I found myself annoyed. I practiced primarily in three areas: loud and high-pitched noises, waiting for something, and work meetings. Anytime it happened, I would, internally, go into putting my attention to my breath.
After a while, I noticed that my "catch" would happen sooner. When I was first starting out, it would happen when I was already full-on feeling annoyed. But then I started catching myself when I was "beginning to get annoyed", and then when "about to begin getting annoyed".
Eventually, my emotional response to these annoying events, which I now believe to be largely learned, has become unwired, and I no longer experience that feeling, emotional state, and all the debilitating consequences.
Sure, it still happens now and then. And I'm still bothered by noises which are too loud-- I wear ear plugs often. But overall, this has been a huge deal in terms of changing my "quality of experience" day-to-day.
[deleted]
Interesting, I’m gonna try that with my two young kids to stay calm
I quit drinking 24 years ago in 1997. I haven't had a drop since 19MAR1997, I was 50 years old at the time.
My brother is an on again off again alcoholic (not suggesting this was the case for you) and if I had one wish it would be for him to become sober. It's remarkable how much alcohol can change a person.
It took me three tries separated by years beginning in my late thirties. It is not an easy thing to do and I am not sure that it can be taught.
That being said, I will tell you what I did.
I started going to AA meetings. I went to 90 meetings in 90 days and I did my best to follow their advice. After two years or so of (at least) weekly meetings I cut back to more or less one meeting per month. Nowadays I only go to meetings if there is some kind of triggering event in my life.
I hope this helps.
That being said, I will tell you what I did.
I started going to AA meetings. I went to 90 meetings in 90 days and I did my best to follow their advice. After two years or so of (at least) weekly meetings I cut back to more or less one meeting per month. Nowadays I only go to meetings if there is some kind of triggering event in my life.
I hope this helps.
I had a good stint quitting for a few months, but the stress of work got to me and I picked back up trying to take the edge off after work.
Thanks for sharing man.
Exercising. I'd exercise to an unhealthy degree, eat an unholy amount of food each day (to "get my calories in"), and constantly take my measurements. The problem was that my mind didn't recognize any of the positive results I was killing myself for; the more I worked out, the fewer results my mental filter let me see. It got to the point that I would actively avoid looking at reflective surfaces as much as possible because of the knowledge that I'd look even worse in my mind's eye the next time I saw myself. It was not a good rabbit hole to get stuck in. I eventually sought help and with therapy and a support system, I was able to let go of most of the compulsion.
Now when I exercise, it's to be healthy, not to chase some dream of "perfection" that my mind wouldn't be able to recognize even if I managed to reach it.
Now when I eat, it's because I enjoy the experience, not because I'm trying to cram 5,000 calories down my throat in a day.
Now when I look in the mirror, it's to make sure my clothes match, not because I'm focusing on all the "progress" I haven't made.
Might not sound like a big deal, and to most people it probably isn't, but it changed my life completely.
Now when I exercise, it's to be healthy, not to chase some dream of "perfection" that my mind wouldn't be able to recognize even if I managed to reach it.
Now when I eat, it's because I enjoy the experience, not because I'm trying to cram 5,000 calories down my throat in a day.
Now when I look in the mirror, it's to make sure my clothes match, not because I'm focusing on all the "progress" I haven't made.
Might not sound like a big deal, and to most people it probably isn't, but it changed my life completely.
With that quantity of calories I assume bodybuilding? What was your prior ideal of perfection that you were chasing and for what purpose? (Personal satisfaction, competition, etc)
Yep, you hit the nail on the head. In All-Star Superman, Lex Luthor was described as "not the smartest man in the room, but the smartest man in every room." Originally, that's how I wanted to be described, but s/smart/larg/. That evolved into the need to compete, and after finally taking first in a tested competition and finding it didn't bring me the fulfillment I'd been craving, I realized that external validation wouldn't help me see my body in a positive light and turned instead towards the goal of personal satisfaction. That might be the right lesson from after-school specials, but trying to self-validate through a mental lens that filters out all "positive" progress and highlights the shortcomings can't bring a person any real personal satisfaction- I needed to get help as well, and (fortunately) eventually I did.
Stopped listening to micromanagers or incompetent managers. This resulted in better quality and quantity of delivery.
Let it be known that a truly good manager accepts when they were wrong and promotes despite differences, whereas a micromanager is insecure about something in their own job resulting in pushing their bad decisions down.
Sure, it will cause friction and will affect your career but your career is busted anyway because a micromanager will never acknowledge that they were wrong. Following their prescribed path only reinforces their large egos.
At least you can sleep well at night knowing that you did your job with integrity.
Let it be known that a truly good manager accepts when they were wrong and promotes despite differences, whereas a micromanager is insecure about something in their own job resulting in pushing their bad decisions down.
Sure, it will cause friction and will affect your career but your career is busted anyway because a micromanager will never acknowledge that they were wrong. Following their prescribed path only reinforces their large egos.
At least you can sleep well at night knowing that you did your job with integrity.
At 31, I completely cut sucrose, lactose and almost all carbohydrates out of my life.
Took someone telling me to think of carbohydrates like heroin before I realized that the strong desire I have not to become painted as a drug addict could be reframed as a reason for me to give up carbohydrate consumption
Took someone telling me to think of carbohydrates like heroin before I realized that the strong desire I have not to become painted as a drug addict could be reframed as a reason for me to give up carbohydrate consumption
I'm curious, what was your health before and after the change? ie. did you do it because you were having problems? Or just didn't want to cause new problems?
Morbidly obese with all of the sides. Doctors literally telling me that it wasn’t a good idea to have children because I wouldn’t see them for very long.
After was amazing. Buying clothes in physical stores. All lipid planes and glucose panels normal. My whole medical world switched around.
After was amazing. Buying clothes in physical stores. All lipid planes and glucose panels normal. My whole medical world switched around.
Can you please share what you eat on a daily basis?
Hahaha, I’ve done that many times and gotten ridiculed so please be kind.
Main staples: Eggs Carbohydrate free Bacon Butter Salt
Other foods Ground beef Steak Chicken thighs Green peppers, broccoli and cauliflower rarely
Main staples: Eggs Carbohydrate free Bacon Butter Salt
Other foods Ground beef Steak Chicken thighs Green peppers, broccoli and cauliflower rarely
it's ridiculous to ridicule something that works, even if it works in your particular case.
Congratulation on your journey, all the best
Congratulation on your journey, all the best
A good keto cookbook will have plenty of great options.
Were you in ketogensis for a long period after that decision? Is this advisable for someone on the skinnier side trying to gain muscle, 6'.05 160lbs
Ketosis is the typical and googleable word for this state, but yes.
I am not a doctor but I would encourage any human being on earth to go through carbohydrate withdrawal and 6 months of abstinence
I am not a doctor but I would encourage any human being on earth to go through carbohydrate withdrawal and 6 months of abstinence
3 years ago I stopped swearing. (There are about maybe 5 times a year I use bad language) But on the whole I don't swear. This was tough because I'm a retired Marine.
This year I started Meatless Mondays.
This year I started Meatless Mondays.
Can you talk a bit more about changing your speech patterns? I talk like a backwoods hick and I feel it holds me back in life. I cuss a lot, too. It’s hard to be conscious about it.
Here is a detailed explanation, hopefully, this will help.
Four or five years ago, I was listing to NPR / Fresh Air and the topic I believe was about speech patterns. (I can’t find the episodes, please let me know if you have any luck.) They used President George W. Bush as an example. He had a tendency to use the word “awesome” with a high frequency. If he saw the Pope, he would describe it as awesome, if he went to a Nascar race, he would describe it as awesome. I honestly can’t remember, but something triggered me and I said to myself that I choose better words to describe events and or circumstances. (This is not a political commentary.)
Basically, I channeled myself to not use swear words. I don’t type swear words on the internet and do my best not to say them in public. I allow myself 10 swear words a year and generally only swear about 5 times a year. I swear to myself sometimes, but I don’t think that counts? It also helps cause my son was born, so he is not growing up in hearing me swear.
Generally, I feel that I can use better adjectives and adverbs to describe something to a person than falling back on a swear word. I also find that when I’m reading books, my vocabulary increases a little bit for the better. When I put a book down, my language seems to deteriorate just a little bit. At the end of the day great leaders, presidents, CEO are great communicators, and swearing in public isn’t a method they use to communicate.
Four or five years ago, I was listing to NPR / Fresh Air and the topic I believe was about speech patterns. (I can’t find the episodes, please let me know if you have any luck.) They used President George W. Bush as an example. He had a tendency to use the word “awesome” with a high frequency. If he saw the Pope, he would describe it as awesome, if he went to a Nascar race, he would describe it as awesome. I honestly can’t remember, but something triggered me and I said to myself that I choose better words to describe events and or circumstances. (This is not a political commentary.)
Basically, I channeled myself to not use swear words. I don’t type swear words on the internet and do my best not to say them in public. I allow myself 10 swear words a year and generally only swear about 5 times a year. I swear to myself sometimes, but I don’t think that counts? It also helps cause my son was born, so he is not growing up in hearing me swear.
Generally, I feel that I can use better adjectives and adverbs to describe something to a person than falling back on a swear word. I also find that when I’m reading books, my vocabulary increases a little bit for the better. When I put a book down, my language seems to deteriorate just a little bit. At the end of the day great leaders, presidents, CEO are great communicators, and swearing in public isn’t a method they use to communicate.
I'm in the same boat (replace backwoods hick with degenerate bogan).
I visited two speech therapists about this, but both told me it's not their area of expertise (and subtly hinted that it's not a real problem that needs fixing).
I kept a journal for my _broken_ language habits over about 2 years. I'd then pick one to attack per month. Being conscious about it is hard, but it's doable if you actually make it a goal and track your progress.
Some of the ones I "successfully" killed:
- Stopped using me when my is correct.
- Stopped ending sentences in but (apparently, this is a super specific speech pattern local to my childhood suburb).
- Stopped defaulting to bought and learned to use brought (weirdly, I always knew they were different words when writing, but I would pronounce both as bought).
The one that alludes me:
- Pronouncing 'th' in certain words as 'ef'. Two examples of this are three and north. I've been trying to master this for over a year now (I'm fine with 'three' in most cases, but 'th' at the end of a word still kills me).
Goodluck!
I visited two speech therapists about this, but both told me it's not their area of expertise (and subtly hinted that it's not a real problem that needs fixing).
I kept a journal for my _broken_ language habits over about 2 years. I'd then pick one to attack per month. Being conscious about it is hard, but it's doable if you actually make it a goal and track your progress.
Some of the ones I "successfully" killed:
- Stopped using me when my is correct.
- Stopped ending sentences in but (apparently, this is a super specific speech pattern local to my childhood suburb).
- Stopped defaulting to bought and learned to use brought (weirdly, I always knew they were different words when writing, but I would pronounce both as bought).
The one that alludes me:
- Pronouncing 'th' in certain words as 'ef'. Two examples of this are three and north. I've been trying to master this for over a year now (I'm fine with 'three' in most cases, but 'th' at the end of a word still kills me).
Goodluck!
Out of curiousity: are you Irish? These patterns match some of my relatives, particularly ending sentences with "filler" words and the "th" pronounciation. I never thought about these as things that need fixing since they are just part of an accent (not suggesting you shouldn't change them if you feel like you'd prefer a different speech pattern).
I'm not Irish in any meaningful way (a great-great grandmother). I'm an Australian from a regional area.
It's interesting that there's an overlap!
It's interesting that there's an overlap!
I used to self censor, like cutting audio. “Sonova——itch” “mother f——er” and “Oh, S—-t”. It would get confused grins. Started when we had our first kid and they copied our swearing. However, I swear a lot due to work - there was a swearing culture tied to being authentic or something and I picked it back up all these years later.
I'm also a former Marine and cleaning up my language has also been a battle for me. Good for you.
Quit drinking (at 34, am alcoholic)
Quit smoking (at 33, smoked pack a day for 10+ years)
Started exercising regularly in my mid-thirties & consistently get 5+ hours of moderate exercise a week now (am 40)
Picked up a piano practicing habit a year ago, just 10 or 15 minutes a day but I have multiple 50-day streaks of it now
I think the biggest one for me was sleep habits. I used to be a confirmed night owl with a wacky sleep schedule. Eventually I realized that this was messing up my moods, so I switched to be a morning person with a pretty regular sleep schedule.
It took a lot of small changes, but a key for me was careful regulation of light. I started with a light-based alarm clock, which was useful. These days I have automated lights that dim in the evening and come up in the morning. It turns out I'm just not a responsible lightswitch user; if I leave manual lights on I'll stay up way later and then feel bad the next day. In retrospect, I felt bad a lot, but it was my baseline so I just rolled with it.
These days I'm more even-tempered, more energetic, more productive. I'll still enjoy an occasional very late night, but I'm always careful to return to my usual sleep schedule as soon as possible.
It took a lot of small changes, but a key for me was careful regulation of light. I started with a light-based alarm clock, which was useful. These days I have automated lights that dim in the evening and come up in the morning. It turns out I'm just not a responsible lightswitch user; if I leave manual lights on I'll stay up way later and then feel bad the next day. In retrospect, I felt bad a lot, but it was my baseline so I just rolled with it.
These days I'm more even-tempered, more energetic, more productive. I'll still enjoy an occasional very late night, but I'm always careful to return to my usual sleep schedule as soon as possible.
Very interesting! Sounds like a smart change.
Out of curiosity, do you ever read books/magazines before bedtime? If so, at what time do you lay down the book?
Out of curiosity, do you ever read books/magazines before bedtime? If so, at what time do you lay down the book?
I do, but I try to read things I find relatively unexciting. E.g., a novel I've read before. Or the Economist's finance section. In some sense, it's not actually reading, but more a way to pacify my mind until I'm sleepy enough that I won't have time to think of anything too exciting or anxiety-inducing.
Trying so hard to change this and I can’t . How do I go about it
Which part?
If you're starting from scratch, I'd say start with the lighting. I put multiple Hue bulbs in my main rooms and then wrote some software to control them: https://github.com/wpietri/sunrise
I don't recommend using this software, but it's easy enough to write something similar. Basically make sure the amount of light around you is as if you were camping: bright mornings and days, dim evenings, dark nights.
Also helpful to me was looking at other things that might mess with sleep. E.g., gradually weaning off caffeine and other stimulants. Avoiding exciting things (video games, action movies) after 8 pm or so.
If at that point you're still struggling, I'd look at why. Look in the same way you'd debug an obscure software problem.
Is that helpful?
If you're starting from scratch, I'd say start with the lighting. I put multiple Hue bulbs in my main rooms and then wrote some software to control them: https://github.com/wpietri/sunrise
I don't recommend using this software, but it's easy enough to write something similar. Basically make sure the amount of light around you is as if you were camping: bright mornings and days, dim evenings, dark nights.
Also helpful to me was looking at other things that might mess with sleep. E.g., gradually weaning off caffeine and other stimulants. Avoiding exciting things (video games, action movies) after 8 pm or so.
If at that point you're still struggling, I'd look at why. Look in the same way you'd debug an obscure software problem.
Is that helpful?
Driving! I've managed to convert ~95% of my trips to my ecargo bike for the past couple years.
I have been getting up at 6 am this summer (compared to 8-9 before this summer). It's because I moved into a new house that the bedroom has this window high up with no blinds (and since it's high up it would be a pain to install blinds into it). And the sun shines in around 5-6 really bright through that window and wakes me up naturally (presumably at the bottom of one of those sleep cycles where you should wake up to feel refreshed).
I get up and start work immediately (work from home) and get in 3-4 hours of focus time before meetings start and it's made me a lot more productive. The morning momentum also carries over to the rest of the day and I get more done then too. I would recommend such a window to everyone although unfortunately it's not possible for most. When the winter comes I'm afraid the sun coming up later will make me get up later and may invest in some sort of timed light in my room to slowly turn on at the time I want to get up.
I get up and start work immediately (work from home) and get in 3-4 hours of focus time before meetings start and it's made me a lot more productive. The morning momentum also carries over to the rest of the day and I get more done then too. I would recommend such a window to everyone although unfortunately it's not possible for most. When the winter comes I'm afraid the sun coming up later will make me get up later and may invest in some sort of timed light in my room to slowly turn on at the time I want to get up.
I’ve stopped drinking Red Bull/Powerking. I used to drink two cans per day (66 cl), plus coffee. It wasn’t reasonable. I took a week off from work and paused all caffeine (including tea) for ten days. I made sure to have people around me the whole time, so that they would hold me accountable.
It worked. I haven’t touched Red Bull for over a month. I drink coffee again, but with more moderation.
It worked. I haven’t touched Red Bull for over a month. I drink coffee again, but with more moderation.
Didn't you felt anxious with such high amount of caffeine ?
Not really tbh. It could make me a bit agitated. But I felt that it helped me to concentrate. (I probably have some kind of attention deficit.) Now I try to focus with lower caffeine intake and… it works quite good. I probably get better sleep as well.
Most of the things I did were already mentioned, except one: I don’t care anymore what other people think about me. I always did things I thought I was supposed to do, because otherwise somebody might think something bad about me. Things like crying in public, laughing about stupid childish things etc. I don’t care anymore what other people think, I just do what I want to do.
I bet there are some exceptions when you look very closely, and I think you're glad there are some exceptions.
Making my bed. I never made my bed as an early adult or teenager. Started doing it one day, and thought, holy shit, this is the best thing ever, having the same bed every night. Now I always make my bed at night (yeah I know, means it's messy all day, but then at least it can breathe), right before I shower.
Stopped using all drugs and alcohol over 25 years ago. At the time, it was one of the most difficult things I did in my life. The knock-on effects of doing that, combined with practicing a 12-Step Program (as an Atheist) has had a profound effect in innumerable aspects of my life.
I let go of my insecurity of being a ‘real developer’. I got over it. I do my work, and if I feel the urge to build something on my spare time, I do it. I no longer make it a mainstay of my identity (real developers do this, etc).
I think it’s made me more pragmatic.
I think it’s made me more pragmatic.
Thus far, I've given up:
- cigarettes - cocaine - caffeine
Each of these was a particularly nasty habit to get rid of, but they're gone and its been years since I've been near any of them. I'm better for it.
I'm actively trying to cultivate a walking habit, but it's hard to make it stick.
- cigarettes - cocaine - caffeine
Each of these was a particularly nasty habit to get rid of, but they're gone and its been years since I've been near any of them. I'm better for it.
I'm actively trying to cultivate a walking habit, but it's hard to make it stick.
For exercise, I started running 1mi/day almost 4y ago now. Having a clear tracking helps me with consistency and pushing when I'm behind.
For coffee and wine I'm certainly on the "addicted" spectrum if you were to measure. From time to time I test staying without one or the other for a month or so (for coffee for example I used the "excuse" of whitening my teeth), but tbh I've never seen any of the acclaimed benefits of reducing consumption. So I enjoy them.
Working on my communication style. If/when I crack the code, I'll be happy to share.
For coffee and wine I'm certainly on the "addicted" spectrum if you were to measure. From time to time I test staying without one or the other for a month or so (for coffee for example I used the "excuse" of whitening my teeth), but tbh I've never seen any of the acclaimed benefits of reducing consumption. So I enjoy them.
Working on my communication style. If/when I crack the code, I'll be happy to share.
Video games.
No shit on people that play video games. It was consuming my life, so I cut it out.
No shit on people that play video games. It was consuming my life, so I cut it out.
this. I think because they don't have the same physical effects of most addictions, they're perceived as more innocuous - but the sheer amount of time spent and then disruptions to physical activity and sleep schedule are monumental. when I stopped gaming, I changed careers, moved across the country, and began knocking stuff off the bucket list. Changed my life fundamentally.
The trick to it, for me, was to accept with humility the fact that even a little was more than I was capable of handling. Recognizing that five minutes of a mobile game could spiral out into weeks of gaming and that there was nothing I could do to change that.
The trick to it, for me, was to accept with humility the fact that even a little was more than I was capable of handling. Recognizing that five minutes of a mobile game could spiral out into weeks of gaming and that there was nothing I could do to change that.
I was still in limbo on that one when I typed the message. Wow your reply is motivating.
Caffiene. I used to be one of these people whose personalities were all about how much coffee they drank and then suddenly I discovered my life was at risk if I didn't urgently cut it out and bam. That was that.
Had success cutting out other habits echoing a lot of the other commenters (eg arguing, overdelivering, accepting advice from people who don't know what they're talking about) and I've cut out other habits/addictions cold turkey eg drugs but the caffiene one was the one that felt the most ruthless
Hi, if you don't mind would you please elaborate on life risk because of coffee? Is it kidney related?
I can drink up to 4-5 mugs of ground coffee a day. The mug is exactly the size of SBUX's venti size. It's not regular, I can handle a day with only 1 mug or none at all on very rare occasion. Lucky me, my SO and friends help me with reminding to drink a lot of water.
I can drink up to 4-5 mugs of ground coffee a day. The mug is exactly the size of SBUX's venti size. It's not regular, I can handle a day with only 1 mug or none at all on very rare occasion. Lucky me, my SO and friends help me with reminding to drink a lot of water.
Hey mate yeah I don't wanna go too specific but in addition to what the other commenter said, caffiene can be a massive problem for people with certain neurology problems. This is because of the sort of things the other commenter was saying but also because it's a stimulant, it messes with a lot of other chemicals in your body, interacts with things like stress and sleep and stuff. Think migraines, seizures, strokes stuff like that. As far as I can tell with things like this (I am not very sure though) it won't 'cause' a problem, but it can trigger an underlying issue.
I was drinking the equivalant of 4 shots of expresso a day on average, would always have a strict cut off of 2pm and then switch to drinking shit loads of tea. I see lots of people who drink an insane amount of coffee and I mean it's not great but for most people not a big existental threat to worry about.
I was drinking the equivalant of 4 shots of expresso a day on average, would always have a strict cut off of 2pm and then switch to drinking shit loads of tea. I see lots of people who drink an insane amount of coffee and I mean it's not great but for most people not a big existental threat to worry about.
Not the GP, but a couple major health issues with high caffeine intake are:
- high blood pressure
- high heart rate
With no other health issues (i.e., no underlying heart issues or cardiovascular issues in general) those may not be problematic (in the sense that they'll cause you long term or immediate harm). However, if you already have HBP or cardiac issues, cutting out or reducing caffeine can be a critical step towards better health or at least not worsening the condition.
- high blood pressure
- high heart rate
With no other health issues (i.e., no underlying heart issues or cardiovascular issues in general) those may not be problematic (in the sense that they'll cause you long term or immediate harm). However, if you already have HBP or cardiac issues, cutting out or reducing caffeine can be a critical step towards better health or at least not worsening the condition.
Quit nicotine! I had been consuming a can of dip a day since my teens, and towards the end was smoking half a pack of cigs / day, as well. Was a great lesson in delayed gratification in my mid 20s. I call it a keystone habit, because my life and my mental health got 10x better.
Exercising. In my 20s I barely exercised, certainly not reliably for any extended period. The longest stretch was while I had a roommate who was a former Marine, about 6 months. The man was a beast and I felt like a slug when I realized I'd played a video game for a few hours while he'd been out weightlifting and then running 5-10 miles. And that was his second workout of the day.
At 31 I'd gotten to 220lbs which, on my frame and at my activity level, meant obese. So I started walking a 5k trail near the office 3x a week. After a couple months I started jogging it (C25k style but not the actual C25k plan). By that point being out there was just routine, so why not run it? That was 8 years ago, and other than some stretches of time where I was recovering from an injury (so far only one caused by exercising, an impinged shoulder, the rest were caused by other things like car accidents) I've been a reliable exerciser and runner since.
A habit I broke was video games. I'd play games until 2-4am and then be exhausted the next day. In retrospect, they were a way of keeping my mind occupied while I was suffering from severe depression so I wasn't really alone with my thoughts. Then they became a routine or habit even after I'd recovered from depression, but were still negatively impacting my life because I was still putting in the crazy long hours. Mostly I substituted other activities like running or exercising generally, reading, spending time with friends socially, or more productive uses of the computer like programming. Exercising actually helped a lot because I was simply too tired most days to even consider staying up late playing a video game, even if I was enjoying it I had to turn it off and sleep because I was dozing off.
In this case, it was mostly the realization and acknowledgement that the video games were consuming too much of my time (and health) that led to a rather rapid change in habit. The various time fillers changed over the years, but I dropped video games practically overnight.
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EDIT to add
Journaling. I've tried a few times, and largely failed. I've found it helpful especially for dealing with stressful periods or depressive episodes. Just expressing my thoughts on paper gets them out of my head and the "dwelling" stops or is reduced which reduces my overall anxiety level or elevates my depressed mood a bit. But, like many people's efforts at dieting, I only did this for a period when I needed it and then stopped. When my mood worsened it "snuck up on me" and I'd have to rebuild these helpful routines.
I, recently, started journaling with a 5-year journal that only offers 5 or 6 lines per day. It's more of a log, but this also makes it easier to keep up with. I don't want a blank entry (at worst I fill it in a day late). This makes keeping a long form journal somewhat easier to maintain since it doesn't need to be daily or some other regular period, it can be weekly or even monthly, or following a major event (something deeply impactful to my life or my friends or family for instance).
At 31 I'd gotten to 220lbs which, on my frame and at my activity level, meant obese. So I started walking a 5k trail near the office 3x a week. After a couple months I started jogging it (C25k style but not the actual C25k plan). By that point being out there was just routine, so why not run it? That was 8 years ago, and other than some stretches of time where I was recovering from an injury (so far only one caused by exercising, an impinged shoulder, the rest were caused by other things like car accidents) I've been a reliable exerciser and runner since.
A habit I broke was video games. I'd play games until 2-4am and then be exhausted the next day. In retrospect, they were a way of keeping my mind occupied while I was suffering from severe depression so I wasn't really alone with my thoughts. Then they became a routine or habit even after I'd recovered from depression, but were still negatively impacting my life because I was still putting in the crazy long hours. Mostly I substituted other activities like running or exercising generally, reading, spending time with friends socially, or more productive uses of the computer like programming. Exercising actually helped a lot because I was simply too tired most days to even consider staying up late playing a video game, even if I was enjoying it I had to turn it off and sleep because I was dozing off.
In this case, it was mostly the realization and acknowledgement that the video games were consuming too much of my time (and health) that led to a rather rapid change in habit. The various time fillers changed over the years, but I dropped video games practically overnight.
--------
EDIT to add
Journaling. I've tried a few times, and largely failed. I've found it helpful especially for dealing with stressful periods or depressive episodes. Just expressing my thoughts on paper gets them out of my head and the "dwelling" stops or is reduced which reduces my overall anxiety level or elevates my depressed mood a bit. But, like many people's efforts at dieting, I only did this for a period when I needed it and then stopped. When my mood worsened it "snuck up on me" and I'd have to rebuild these helpful routines.
I, recently, started journaling with a 5-year journal that only offers 5 or 6 lines per day. It's more of a log, but this also makes it easier to keep up with. I don't want a blank entry (at worst I fill it in a day late). This makes keeping a long form journal somewhat easier to maintain since it doesn't need to be daily or some other regular period, it can be weekly or even monthly, or following a major event (something deeply impactful to my life or my friends or family for instance).
No longer eat sugar. Big improvement in day to day.
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After many years, I now drink water when I first wake up instead of coffee. Baby steps!
1. Correct my posture while not outside. For the most parts of my life, I had really bad posture. I would study on bed, code ln bed, and watch movies on bed. Half lying, fully lying, straining my whole upper body. Since two years, I always sit on chairs. I only sleep on bed, and that's it.
2. I used to brush my teeth once a day. Now I brush my teeth after every meal.
3. Exercising everyday. I now spend anywhere between 10 minutes to 90 every day for exercising.
4. Social media. I was a victim of doomscroll. And I identified that it was more of a symptom than a cause, but it is also a cause in itself. If you want to avoid doing something, if you go for a walk, or read something, sooner or later you'd get back to it. Here's where peer-to-peer media is exceptional. There is no end of content. And procrastination takes up most of your day. I limited social media use to 30 inutes a day. The same time everyday. I don't pull up my phone even wjen standing in queue, or while cooking. Much better time management and concentration.
5. For five hours or so have been drinking water immediately after I wake up.
6. Made myself able to think objectively, see nuance and be empathetic. I was very jidgemental before.
Point 4 credit goes to Cal Newport. He is the only self-help writer I can marginally tolerate. I did not read Atomic Habits or Power of Habits.
I realized that one of the best ways to form new habits ws was to hook new habits to already existing habits. This is nowadays called "habit association".
Make no mistake that I am only partially successful. I have failed in forming a lot of habits. I sm only sharing the good parts.
2. I used to brush my teeth once a day. Now I brush my teeth after every meal.
3. Exercising everyday. I now spend anywhere between 10 minutes to 90 every day for exercising.
4. Social media. I was a victim of doomscroll. And I identified that it was more of a symptom than a cause, but it is also a cause in itself. If you want to avoid doing something, if you go for a walk, or read something, sooner or later you'd get back to it. Here's where peer-to-peer media is exceptional. There is no end of content. And procrastination takes up most of your day. I limited social media use to 30 inutes a day. The same time everyday. I don't pull up my phone even wjen standing in queue, or while cooking. Much better time management and concentration.
5. For five hours or so have been drinking water immediately after I wake up.
6. Made myself able to think objectively, see nuance and be empathetic. I was very jidgemental before.
Point 4 credit goes to Cal Newport. He is the only self-help writer I can marginally tolerate. I did not read Atomic Habits or Power of Habits.
I realized that one of the best ways to form new habits ws was to hook new habits to already existing habits. This is nowadays called "habit association".
Make no mistake that I am only partially successful. I have failed in forming a lot of habits. I sm only sharing the good parts.
I don't understand why this comment was flagged and so heavily downvoted (edit: vouch seems to unflag it). Can someone explain? The advice seems reasonable to me.