Over 47? Have you gone through midlife transformation?
40 comments
A mid-life crisis happens when you reach your goals.
When we are young we strive for success. We go to college, get a job, climb the career ladder. Ostensibly we do it to afford fancy houses, cars, motorbikes or whatever, but we can't afford those things so we strive for success.
Then one day we achieve the goal. We have a wife, kids, house, car - we're earning well, and have cash left over. We are, objectively, successful. We have reached the goal.
But we discover we're not satisfied. Hence the crisis. Some get a new wife. Some buy the toys they always wanted. But that also doesn't satisfy, the glow wears off, and we're back to searching.
At this point the goals shift from success to significance. You want to leave a mark, to impact the lives of others. Maybe mentoring. Maybe uplifting others. Maybe charity. Maybe volunteering. And so on.
Sadly, of course, there are those who don't progress. Some chase "success" forever, alienating people along the way. For some no measure of success is enough.
Some find contentment early - a balance between relationships and work. They tend to miss the "crisis" since their path switched from "success" to "significance" early.
In the long run people satisfy more than things.
When we are young we strive for success. We go to college, get a job, climb the career ladder. Ostensibly we do it to afford fancy houses, cars, motorbikes or whatever, but we can't afford those things so we strive for success.
Then one day we achieve the goal. We have a wife, kids, house, car - we're earning well, and have cash left over. We are, objectively, successful. We have reached the goal.
But we discover we're not satisfied. Hence the crisis. Some get a new wife. Some buy the toys they always wanted. But that also doesn't satisfy, the glow wears off, and we're back to searching.
At this point the goals shift from success to significance. You want to leave a mark, to impact the lives of others. Maybe mentoring. Maybe uplifting others. Maybe charity. Maybe volunteering. And so on.
Sadly, of course, there are those who don't progress. Some chase "success" forever, alienating people along the way. For some no measure of success is enough.
Some find contentment early - a balance between relationships and work. They tend to miss the "crisis" since their path switched from "success" to "significance" early.
In the long run people satisfy more than things.
This is great. I've never seen anyone frame it before as a function of attainment rather than age, but it seems obvious now. I've long been part of the online FIRE community, and I think it shows up there as so many people reach their goals relatively early (by definition) and then endlessly discuss what they really want for a lifestyle or legacy, whether they should move the goal posts or work "one more year" or not, what really counts as "working" vs. "retirement," etc.
lovely! my personal belief is that midlife crisis is an exponential function of how many times in your life you said “I’ll ____ later”
- would love to travel, “no time/money/… now, will do it later”
- learn how to play an instrument, no time/money/… now, will do it later”
- have kids/family, no time/money/… now, will do it later”
- become UFC champion, no time/money/… now, will do it later”
then midlife hits and you haven’t left Bismarck, ND all your life, you play no instrument, have no kids (both you and spouse are now too old) and of course UFC dreams are long gone…
- would love to travel, “no time/money/… now, will do it later”
- learn how to play an instrument, no time/money/… now, will do it later”
- have kids/family, no time/money/… now, will do it later”
- become UFC champion, no time/money/… now, will do it later”
then midlife hits and you haven’t left Bismarck, ND all your life, you play no instrument, have no kids (both you and spouse are now too old) and of course UFC dreams are long gone…
Interesting. So I think you're saying that the crisis happens for precisely the opposite reason- ie a lack of success in reaching any goal. And a realization that those goals are now unachievable.
I would agree that this certainly contributes to mental angst, depression and so on.
But I'm not sure it matches the things we usually associate with "mid life crisis" (ie the buying of toys like a Ferrari or Harley.)
I would agree that this certainly contributes to mental angst, depression and so on.
But I'm not sure it matches the things we usually associate with "mid life crisis" (ie the buying of toys like a Ferrari or Harley.)
Lack of success might be a stretch because I think there are plenty of people at McKinsey etc having an amazing career but working 90/100/… hours per week and never getting to enjoy life. Speaking from my personal experience of seeing various people go through midlife crisis it has been mostly “time passes while we do other things.” then when it hits one goes “I have never ____” and “I have never ____” and there is now very limited time left. you know, like “bucket list” is exactly what it is, list is loooong and you are 48.5
Well said.
I turn 53 on Sunday, Dec 15, so a little bit past 47.
I got married for the first time at 47. I’d been with my now wife since 2006, and in 2018 she mentioned she always wanted a wedding, even something small. So we got engaged and got married in Santa Fe, NM, a favorite vacation destination, with 10 close friends. That was pretty much my big change.
I never did the midlife crisis with the fancy car. In fact I use public transport when I go to work, so I ended up selling my car and just relying on that and a ZipCar membership for any day trips.
I guess my midlife crisis was more of a point to enjoy life. I took inventory of my life and found it actually wasn’t half bad. The grass was fairly green on my side of the fence.
Hope the best for you.
I got married for the first time at 47. I’d been with my now wife since 2006, and in 2018 she mentioned she always wanted a wedding, even something small. So we got engaged and got married in Santa Fe, NM, a favorite vacation destination, with 10 close friends. That was pretty much my big change.
I never did the midlife crisis with the fancy car. In fact I use public transport when I go to work, so I ended up selling my car and just relying on that and a ZipCar membership for any day trips.
I guess my midlife crisis was more of a point to enjoy life. I took inventory of my life and found it actually wasn’t half bad. The grass was fairly green on my side of the fence.
Hope the best for you.
I'm 46, and I've gone through something of a midlife crisis recently (and things are getting better now!)
When I was a kid, I was constantly being told how much much "potential" I had. I have accomplished a lot, and when I was in my twenties and thirties it was easy to imagine that all the things I hadn't accomplished yet were still ahead of me.
Now, I've been faced with a reckoning: for sure, many great things still lie ahead, but I won't be able to achieve all of my aspirations.
One thing that worked for me: seek professional help. I sought out a therapist and am still working with her. When I developed insomnia, I tried pretty much everything (medication, CBT, sleep study etc.) until I eventually found a medication that worked. This took years, but things are better now.
Also, avoid the "sunk cost" fallacy. For years I practiced at a yoga studio which was excellent, but the vibe was a little bit off for me and I wasn't enjoying myself. I just sucked it up and kept going. But after Covid I decided to try something different, and ended up finding group fitness classes which I love.
Good luck!
When I was a kid, I was constantly being told how much much "potential" I had. I have accomplished a lot, and when I was in my twenties and thirties it was easy to imagine that all the things I hadn't accomplished yet were still ahead of me.
Now, I've been faced with a reckoning: for sure, many great things still lie ahead, but I won't be able to achieve all of my aspirations.
One thing that worked for me: seek professional help. I sought out a therapist and am still working with her. When I developed insomnia, I tried pretty much everything (medication, CBT, sleep study etc.) until I eventually found a medication that worked. This took years, but things are better now.
Also, avoid the "sunk cost" fallacy. For years I practiced at a yoga studio which was excellent, but the vibe was a little bit off for me and I wasn't enjoying myself. I just sucked it up and kept going. But after Covid I decided to try something different, and ended up finding group fitness classes which I love.
Good luck!
Just curious, what kinds of group fitness did you end up enjoying? Asking as someone who formerly spent a few years doing yoga too.
Cross training -- a mixture of cardio and strength training, with weights, rowers, kettlebells, battle ropes, medicine balls, etc. etc. and all sorts of calisthenics -- something different every day.
It's not a chain establishment, and overall I really like the owner/head trainer and the mood he sets. I'm living in a town that's a bit too laid back and slow-paced for my taste overall, whereas this guy acts like he has twenty cups of coffee every day -- while managing to remember everybody's name and coming around to help you if you're having difficulties.
It's not a chain establishment, and overall I really like the owner/head trainer and the mood he sets. I'm living in a town that's a bit too laid back and slow-paced for my taste overall, whereas this guy acts like he has twenty cups of coffee every day -- while managing to remember everybody's name and coming around to help you if you're having difficulties.
I've gone through multiple: once in my 40s and once in my 50s. As my health inevitably declines, I expect another.
I didn't buy a Corvette though, but rather approached the topic of death and limited time head-on. I was "helped" by the death of multiple close family members and the murder of a close friend.
I feel I'm in a good place now.
Understand that nearly every man goes through this.
I didn't buy a Corvette though, but rather approached the topic of death and limited time head-on. I was "helped" by the death of multiple close family members and the murder of a close friend.
I feel I'm in a good place now.
Understand that nearly every man goes through this.
My boss told me…
BOSS: i think im gonna buy the beamer. ME: sir, please dont buy the beamer. Will it really bring you joy? Here are some joyful purchases you could dump some cash into: … BOSS: But i think i need that beamer .. BOSS: Bought! … BOSS: Arrrg scratch on the Beamer! Arrrrg cant park there, i have a beamer! Arrrrg can’t do this or that in the Beamer!
Don’t buy the Beamer, kids.
BOSS: i think im gonna buy the beamer. ME: sir, please dont buy the beamer. Will it really bring you joy? Here are some joyful purchases you could dump some cash into: … BOSS: But i think i need that beamer .. BOSS: Bought! … BOSS: Arrrg scratch on the Beamer! Arrrrg cant park there, i have a beamer! Arrrrg can’t do this or that in the Beamer!
Don’t buy the Beamer, kids.
Cars like that are the peacock tail - they aren't meant to be cheap, convenient or easy to live with.
I am going through it right now at 38. I am the unhappiest I have ever been.
It all stems from being fundamentally so unhappy with work. I have changed 3 employers over the past 4 years and I’ve been more and more depressed with each transition. I spend my life in a state of immense disappointment about having to work. I am not even passionate about software anymore, so it’s not only the corporate madness (meetings, offices, coworkers, bosses, pressure to perform, code reviewers, etc). My weekends are filled with anxiety about Mondays. Everywhere I go I just cannot stand the pressure to perform and the massive time investment.
I haven’t quit yet (despite likely affording to do so on a financial basis) because I’m a coward who would never forgive himself for having quit such a high paying job, and prefer to instead every day destroy my mental health at yet another workplace, hoping that it will be the day I will be fired or laid off, so that the decision would be taken for me.
Professional mental health has been useless, I know what I need to do, just quit.
It all stems from being fundamentally so unhappy with work. I have changed 3 employers over the past 4 years and I’ve been more and more depressed with each transition. I spend my life in a state of immense disappointment about having to work. I am not even passionate about software anymore, so it’s not only the corporate madness (meetings, offices, coworkers, bosses, pressure to perform, code reviewers, etc). My weekends are filled with anxiety about Mondays. Everywhere I go I just cannot stand the pressure to perform and the massive time investment.
I haven’t quit yet (despite likely affording to do so on a financial basis) because I’m a coward who would never forgive himself for having quit such a high paying job, and prefer to instead every day destroy my mental health at yet another workplace, hoping that it will be the day I will be fired or laid off, so that the decision would be taken for me.
Professional mental health has been useless, I know what I need to do, just quit.
This might also be burnout, not necessarily midlife crisis.
I had my midlife crisis as a student in Cornwall, listening to Pink Floyd's Wish you were here, in the bath. It lasted about 45 mins.
Somehow, "one lost soul swimming in a fish bowl for almost an hour" doesn't quite have the same ring to it...
Listening to welcome to the machine after drinking and smoking herb all day (I didn't smoke) I have recurring visions of throwing up in my friends sink at uni with that in the background.
At 49 I retired and spent the following years travelling. I did not really see it as a midlife crisis though as it was based on hitting a specific net worth. Now 3 years later I just completed my first marathon. I guess that is text book midlife crisis.
Never been healthier. Never been happier.
Never been healthier. Never been happier.
I got a new, better, improved wife out of mine. And I became a better person overall.
Also 47 seems a bit high. Women go through a midlife crisis around 35-38 years old, men tend to have theirs in the early 40s.
Also 47 seems a bit high. Women go through a midlife crisis around 35-38 years old, men tend to have theirs in the early 40s.
Women's crisis in this case would be linked to when they reach the end of child-bearing age? Men's would more likely relate to their circumstances e.g. I had children relatively late so my mid-life crisis will be later...
> Women's crisis in this case would be linked to when they reach the end of child-bearing age
More like when they stop being invited for parties and meetups just for being women. Gotta start chase the fun and spend money, like most men.
More like when they stop being invited for parties and meetups just for being women. Gotta start chase the fun and spend money, like most men.
What happens after the crisis?
At 49 I left my IT job to join an incubator and grow my sideline business of 15 years. That lasted about 9 months and since then I have become a Lecturer in Computing in Further Education. I love my new job. It has many freedoms and also challenges. Freedoms around hours and challenges around your "users" being 3 feet in front of you.
Did the incubator help? Are you still running the side business?
I am a 41. I am thinking of buying my first motorcycle, a Royal Enfield. I have never ridden a motorcycle before and this is a big change and an exciting one.
Link: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Royal_Enfield_Hunter_350
Link: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Royal_Enfield_Hunter_350
I’m going through this right now. Bought my first EV car (non-Tesla though).
What kind did you end up getting?
To younger people reading this post: if you don't know what you want in life, make more money. Set a FU money target and go for it. Use whatever legal means.
this is a surefire way to have a monster midlife crisis. chasing money will all but ensure you don’t spend much time enjoying your life and come 40’s/50’s you’ll realize you can’t get burried with a pile of cash and possessions you made and midlife crisis will hit you like a truck.
to younger people - do the exact opposite of this. do as much shit before you hit 40/50, travel as much as you can, love as much as you can… money will come and go, your 20s/30s will never come again
to younger people - do the exact opposite of this. do as much shit before you hit 40/50, travel as much as you can, love as much as you can… money will come and go, your 20s/30s will never come again
If they don't know what to do when young, better figure out how they can make more money and then either retire to seek or be good at something so they find it.
exactly
To young people: the truth is somewhere in the middle. Don't spend your youth chasing money, but don't ignore money either, because while money doesn't buy happiness, it could make a lot of miserable things much less miserable.
Also, in a typical old-boomer-says-do-as-what-I-say-not-as-what-I-do fashion... do exercise regularly. One day you will wake up and find out your right arm will not go up higher than Heil Hitler position. And it takes a year to get it back to somewhat normal.
Also, in a typical old-boomer-says-do-as-what-I-say-not-as-what-I-do fashion... do exercise regularly. One day you will wake up and find out your right arm will not go up higher than Heil Hitler position. And it takes a year to get it back to somewhat normal.
for many the midlife crisis is when you find that middle :)
And what sports car did you get?
Turned 47 this year. Had first kid.
Cybertruck order is imminent.
Cybertruck order is imminent.
Have you gone through this? If so, was it a period of professional transformation for you? How did you transform? Or, after a period of turmoil, did you eventually stay in your previous role? How did it relate to your personal life?