Talk to People on the Telephone(theatlantic.com)
theatlantic.com
Talk to People on the Telephone
https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2019/09/ring-ring-ring/598129/
70 comments
Was it a land line? I've noticed people who still have them tend to ignore them because they get so many spam calls.
My dad is he same way, and he's 81. He hates talking on the phone. He doesn't like to bother people unless its important and that way they can get back to him when it's convenient. This way too, he won't miss the message if he doesn't hear the phone.
jmg2(1)
I personally hate texting, and before this, IRC. I also don't do Facebook or have an account there.
I keep in touch with a handful of elderly relatives and friends via a phone call a few times a year.
If they were to tell me to text them or hit them up on Facebook instead and phone is simply unacceptable to them (unlikely and has never happened), then that's their choice and I respect it completely, and it certainly will be the end of our communication if they insist on that since I don't do Facebook and I don't text.
Snail mailed letters... I can and do do these for those who don't want phone calls.
I keep in touch with a handful of elderly relatives and friends via a phone call a few times a year.
If they were to tell me to text them or hit them up on Facebook instead and phone is simply unacceptable to them (unlikely and has never happened), then that's their choice and I respect it completely, and it certainly will be the end of our communication if they insist on that since I don't do Facebook and I don't text.
Snail mailed letters... I can and do do these for those who don't want phone calls.
I usually text first to coordinate a phone call.
I think this is being framed incorrectly. It's not about voice vs text, it's about sync vs async.
By default, phone calls (and face-to-face conversations) are synchronous. You call someone, they have to stop what they're doing and have a conversation in real-time. They also can't judge the importance until they're already interrupted and have started the conversation anyway.
Text messages, email, chat and even voicemail are asynchronous. You send a message, the person can respond when able, and likewise. They can also see the initial query, and this can help them decide whether to respond immediately or later.
Async communication has the benefit of being able to work synchronously, if you want, but it doesn't have to. You might annoy people by not responding fast enough, but not in the same way that you would if you were to just put down the phone and walk away for a few minutes/hours.
I think the real problem is misuse of async vs synchronous styles of communication, and knowing when to switch between them.
I personally prefer async communication by default, but if we're going to do near-real-time async anyway, I'd rather have a 5 minute phone call than spend half an hour texting back and forth. I hate unexpected phone calls (and in fact, pretty much don't answer my phone), but I have absolutely no issue with a scheduled call -- that that is usually arranged asynchronously.
By default, phone calls (and face-to-face conversations) are synchronous. You call someone, they have to stop what they're doing and have a conversation in real-time. They also can't judge the importance until they're already interrupted and have started the conversation anyway.
Text messages, email, chat and even voicemail are asynchronous. You send a message, the person can respond when able, and likewise. They can also see the initial query, and this can help them decide whether to respond immediately or later.
Async communication has the benefit of being able to work synchronously, if you want, but it doesn't have to. You might annoy people by not responding fast enough, but not in the same way that you would if you were to just put down the phone and walk away for a few minutes/hours.
I think the real problem is misuse of async vs synchronous styles of communication, and knowing when to switch between them.
I personally prefer async communication by default, but if we're going to do near-real-time async anyway, I'd rather have a 5 minute phone call than spend half an hour texting back and forth. I hate unexpected phone calls (and in fact, pretty much don't answer my phone), but I have absolutely no issue with a scheduled call -- that that is usually arranged asynchronously.
In Mexico, it's really common to send voice messages through WhatsApp instead of typing, so that it becomes an async walkie-talkie. It probably has to do with functional literacy rates, because the only people that I know that hate texting are either really slow readers or slow typists.
Agree with this 100% - Synchronous (IMO) is best when urgent details need to be exchanged quickly where the importance of certain aspects of reaction can be conveyed,to guide small segments of the conversation. There's an immediate feedback mechanism.
For in-depth technical exchanges, where conveying the complete picture is necessary before someone makes a return assessment, async provides better results.
But most importantly they differ in how the mind utilizes them.
For in-depth technical exchanges, where conveying the complete picture is necessary before someone makes a return assessment, async provides better results.
But most importantly they differ in how the mind utilizes them.
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My life was better IMO when it was common to call people. We had conventions like voice mail if you were on another call, or saying "now is not a good time" but I talked to way more people.
I mean I fully agree with your assessment of async vs sync but conversely I'm less connected to people than I was before. I used to call and chat with friends several times a day. Now almost never.
Another way to look at it, maybe at some point some new tech will come out so thet we don't even talk to people in the same house/building/office. I mean why talk to my sister/mom/dad/wife/son/daughter, they might be in the middle of a thought. I should choose some async method and just never talk to another human directly.
Of course that's ridiculous but if you had told me in 1995 that I'd talk less than a few hours a year on a phone because everyone just messages each other I'd have thought you were describing a dystpoia. Who's to say some new tech won't take it even further.
I mean I fully agree with your assessment of async vs sync but conversely I'm less connected to people than I was before. I used to call and chat with friends several times a day. Now almost never.
Another way to look at it, maybe at some point some new tech will come out so thet we don't even talk to people in the same house/building/office. I mean why talk to my sister/mom/dad/wife/son/daughter, they might be in the middle of a thought. I should choose some async method and just never talk to another human directly.
Of course that's ridiculous but if you had told me in 1995 that I'd talk less than a few hours a year on a phone because everyone just messages each other I'd have thought you were describing a dystpoia. Who's to say some new tech won't take it even further.
I've taken to calling my friends on the phone over the past few months, after years of texting. I've let them know I'm going to try to do more of this and everyone I've mentioned it to has responded positively. We've decided that even if we just have a moment and want to share something funny or interesting, we're going to try to have a quick phone conversation.
This has helped me feel more connected to the people who I don't see in person frequently in a way that feels more "real" than texts or emails.
This has helped me feel more connected to the people who I don't see in person frequently in a way that feels more "real" than texts or emails.
Also have done this with my friend circle as I extracted myself from social media (instagram and facebook). I have a lot better relationship with my family and friends now that we catch up on the phone other than just clicking "like" on the scroll of everyone's photos.
You basically just have to make time for it. I call people when I'm walking the dog and when I'm commuting.
You basically just have to make time for it. I call people when I'm walking the dog and when I'm commuting.
jmg2(1)
This really depends on a lot of things, like the person I'm talking to, when we're talking, time of day, etc. I have one or maybe two friends now that I call, and even then it's sporadic. We spend most of our time texting.
There are other situations when I'm frustrated with texting and would prefer a phone call. One example is when my girlfriend is out and she'll text me something like, "Hey, I decided to stop for coffee on the way home. Do you want something?" This can go a number of ways. First, I won't see the text at all, and she'll come home and say, "Well, I tried to text you!" Then I'll look at my phone and it'll say something like, "Anything? I'm the next one in line. Let me know ASAP." The second way this can go is a back and forth. They don't have that option. Anything else you want? Yeah, they're all out of that.
Any situation where you need to know something right away, like the right kinds of nuts and bolts to grab from a hardware store or if your friends are making a food run, etc. don't text.
JUST. CALL. ME.
There are other situations when I'm frustrated with texting and would prefer a phone call. One example is when my girlfriend is out and she'll text me something like, "Hey, I decided to stop for coffee on the way home. Do you want something?" This can go a number of ways. First, I won't see the text at all, and she'll come home and say, "Well, I tried to text you!" Then I'll look at my phone and it'll say something like, "Anything? I'm the next one in line. Let me know ASAP." The second way this can go is a back and forth. They don't have that option. Anything else you want? Yeah, they're all out of that.
Any situation where you need to know something right away, like the right kinds of nuts and bolts to grab from a hardware store or if your friends are making a food run, etc. don't text.
JUST. CALL. ME.
I prefer a phone call at some point - there becomes a point in any conversation that the bandwidth offered by text is insufficient for the task at hand, whenever that happens I move it to the telephone
I get how text replaced voice, but something I don't quite understand is this:
Remember when friends and family visited each other unannounced? Why did that used to be welcomed[1], but today it's not?
1. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Swzvm-gXHg
Remember when friends and family visited each other unannounced? Why did that used to be welcomed[1], but today it's not?
1. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Swzvm-gXHg
I suspect it's because of two side effects of more efficient communication.
A) It is effectively painless to instantly check with me whether or not I am free at any hour of any day with smartphones, so not doing so becomes less understandable
B) I am in touch with many many more people over the internet even in my local area than I could ever hope to hang out with (or want to, as somewhat of an introvert workaholic)
I like to be intentional and plan out my social activities with a calendar, ideally a few days in advance, but I also don't mind meeting up on short notice. But any amount of notice is necessary to even make sure I am home, much less wanting to be social.
I actually feel smartphones have made me more active socially because instead of sitting around , we can plan things the day before while waiting for the bus, walking, etc.
A) It is effectively painless to instantly check with me whether or not I am free at any hour of any day with smartphones, so not doing so becomes less understandable
B) I am in touch with many many more people over the internet even in my local area than I could ever hope to hang out with (or want to, as somewhat of an introvert workaholic)
I like to be intentional and plan out my social activities with a calendar, ideally a few days in advance, but I also don't mind meeting up on short notice. But any amount of notice is necessary to even make sure I am home, much less wanting to be social.
I actually feel smartphones have made me more active socially because instead of sitting around , we can plan things the day before while waiting for the bus, walking, etc.
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Remember when friends and family visited each other unannounced?
I remember when it was considered rude, yes. I don't know where that guy grew up, but Mom's in the middle of making supper, Dad's in the garage, I'm working on homework, and we're just supposed to drop everything because you can't pick up a phone first? No, unlike the video, when I'm in my underwear with unkempt hair, covered in Cheetos dust from a CoD marathon, I am not jumping for joy if the doorbell rings.
Before mobile phones, exceptions were made. "Hey, I live two towns over, but was in the neighborhood unexpectedly...I hope now is not a bad time." But one made note of the fact that it is an unannounced visit.
I remember when it was considered rude, yes. I don't know where that guy grew up, but Mom's in the middle of making supper, Dad's in the garage, I'm working on homework, and we're just supposed to drop everything because you can't pick up a phone first? No, unlike the video, when I'm in my underwear with unkempt hair, covered in Cheetos dust from a CoD marathon, I am not jumping for joy if the doorbell rings.
Before mobile phones, exceptions were made. "Hey, I live two towns over, but was in the neighborhood unexpectedly...I hope now is not a bad time." But one made note of the fact that it is an unannounced visit.
As I kid I was excited about the doorbell. As I got older I realized how much of a chore it is. I feel like facetime calls are in the realm of a doorbell now.
I'm an old guy, but I don't remember a time when this was generally welcomed. It was done, but it was always considered rude. How rude depends on the circumstances.
This seems like the worst of both worlds option.
I think there is value in a higher level interaction sometimes instead of texting, but videochat seems to be the far superior option?
"I abruptly asked one morning to stop messaging me about story ideas on our office’s chat platform, Slack. Instead, I said, let’s talk the ideas out over the phone."
Maybe people remember things a lot better than I do, but text based logs are super helpful. I also think writing often is a better medium to go over thoughts in a coherent way (I find people that disagree with this usually have trouble typing which makes it a lot harder).
I think there is value in a higher level interaction sometimes instead of texting, but videochat seems to be the far superior option?
"I abruptly asked one morning to stop messaging me about story ideas on our office’s chat platform, Slack. Instead, I said, let’s talk the ideas out over the phone."
Maybe people remember things a lot better than I do, but text based logs are super helpful. I also think writing often is a better medium to go over thoughts in a coherent way (I find people that disagree with this usually have trouble typing which makes it a lot harder).
for anything involving concrete deliverables and obligations, I really like having a written log. Like you say, it also forces communication to be more explicit. It's easy to handwave details away in voice.
OTOH something like story ideas sounds like the kind of thing that would benefit from voice. Situations where things aren't already spelled out nicely, where rapid feedback and iteration are valuable.
OTOH something like story ideas sounds like the kind of thing that would benefit from voice. Situations where things aren't already spelled out nicely, where rapid feedback and iteration are valuable.
Don't talk to people on the telephone.
Skype/Facetime/videocall them.
* insert a long article about the importance of face-to-face communication *
Seriously, though, every technology has a time and a place.
It's a sliding scale that goes like this: video calls, voice calls, IM/texts, group/forum posts, emails.
One one end you get synchronous communication which has the full attention of both parties. On the other - go at your own pace asynchronous information transfer.
I love calling my grandparents on Skype. But I need to be alone in a room for that to work. (Screens and speakers still suck outdoor).
I rarely call my parents on Skype, because my mom doesn't like looking bad on camera, and she just wants to chill after work sans make up and what not. So I call her on the phone. But I know her schedule, and I know that I won't be taking here away from something - and that she'll be happy to give me full attention.
IM and texts are great when you need to get some information across, but you don't want to take the other party away from whatever setting they are in.
While IM/texts work great to talk to many people at once, there is still a sense of immediacy to the conversation. If you want to organize an event, the relevant information will get lost in flurry of messages after a day or two. FB groups / events, and similar, work better for that: communicating in groups, with a latency that spans days.
Finally, emails work best when you want to take time to compose a message or a response (sometimes, days), and be able to go back to it a long time afterwards. I have long email threads with some of my friends, months passing between responses sometimes.
And obviously, some methods work better than others depending on whether the other party is next door or 7000 miles away, whether they speak your language fluently, etc.
Skype/Facetime/videocall them.
* insert a long article about the importance of face-to-face communication *
Seriously, though, every technology has a time and a place.
It's a sliding scale that goes like this: video calls, voice calls, IM/texts, group/forum posts, emails.
One one end you get synchronous communication which has the full attention of both parties. On the other - go at your own pace asynchronous information transfer.
I love calling my grandparents on Skype. But I need to be alone in a room for that to work. (Screens and speakers still suck outdoor).
I rarely call my parents on Skype, because my mom doesn't like looking bad on camera, and she just wants to chill after work sans make up and what not. So I call her on the phone. But I know her schedule, and I know that I won't be taking here away from something - and that she'll be happy to give me full attention.
IM and texts are great when you need to get some information across, but you don't want to take the other party away from whatever setting they are in.
While IM/texts work great to talk to many people at once, there is still a sense of immediacy to the conversation. If you want to organize an event, the relevant information will get lost in flurry of messages after a day or two. FB groups / events, and similar, work better for that: communicating in groups, with a latency that spans days.
Finally, emails work best when you want to take time to compose a message or a response (sometimes, days), and be able to go back to it a long time afterwards. I have long email threads with some of my friends, months passing between responses sometimes.
And obviously, some methods work better than others depending on whether the other party is next door or 7000 miles away, whether they speak your language fluently, etc.
I hate video calls. I'd rather just talk on the phone than say "What?" over each other and look at their facial reactions 2 seconds delayed. Low latency video destroys all the benefits of face-to-face interaction and then some.
> Chatting on the phone provides the bliss of unreviewable, unforwardable, unsearchable speech. There’s no record of it.
A benefit that many people don't seem to recognize as if total continuous surveillance and a permanent record is always preferable.
ADDED (from the same article):
> "There’s no record of it (unless your conversation partner is secretly recording it, in which case you have deeper problems)."
A benefit that many people don't seem to recognize as if total continuous surveillance and a permanent record is always preferable.
ADDED (from the same article):
> "There’s no record of it (unless your conversation partner is secretly recording it, in which case you have deeper problems)."
I have always hated phone calls, even before texting was a thing.
It's harder to talk on the phone now. Voice quality is terrible with VoIP. Noise rejection is poor with flat phone microphones. One person I talk to regularly is too much into hands-free, and calls are mostly background noise. Something the compression algorithms handle badly.
Most inbound phone calls are telemarketing now, anyway. When I answer my phone, and it's an unknown number, I say nothing and wait. If it's a human, they'll eventually say something. Autodial systems will time out after 5 seconds without something that sounds vaguely like "Hello".
Most inbound phone calls are telemarketing now, anyway. When I answer my phone, and it's an unknown number, I say nothing and wait. If it's a human, they'll eventually say something. Autodial systems will time out after 5 seconds without something that sounds vaguely like "Hello".
You used to be able to hear people breathing on the other end. VoIP has eliminated the intimacy of calls.
The voice quality issue is real. Before cell phones, audio quality was fine. However, cell phones brought a serious reduction in audio quality, and it has never improved.
> Voice quality is terrible with VoIP
I was//am an early adopter for Ooma. I still have one and I use it, albeit the "2.0" hardware version now.
Neither I or the other person on the line have experienced voice quality issues. My ISP is Comcast. I have been on hours-long conversations during otherwise high-usage internet usages. The other people have been on landlines, Magic Jack, cell phones over "your favourite carrier".
I don't do any special QOS router//modem configurations other than how I physically wire the hardware together.
I am curious as to what situations others are involved in so much that they are experiencing voice quality issues. Skype? Smart phone over wireless? Dialpad from 2001?
I was//am an early adopter for Ooma. I still have one and I use it, albeit the "2.0" hardware version now.
Neither I or the other person on the line have experienced voice quality issues. My ISP is Comcast. I have been on hours-long conversations during otherwise high-usage internet usages. The other people have been on landlines, Magic Jack, cell phones over "your favourite carrier".
I don't do any special QOS router//modem configurations other than how I physically wire the hardware together.
I am curious as to what situations others are involved in so much that they are experiencing voice quality issues. Skype? Smart phone over wireless? Dialpad from 2001?
In a similar note, a group of friends of mine (10+ years) all use TeamSpeak to communicate regularly, namely when we are playing video games.
We have Slack, etc - but hearing a regular voice attached to someone really does program the brain different, at least it feels that way to me.
We have Slack, etc - but hearing a regular voice attached to someone really does program the brain different, at least it feels that way to me.
Same here, whether we are actually playing any game or just hanging out and chatting about whatever.
Text doesn't convey as much information and the synchronous aspect makes it much more interesting.
We're a Mumble crew though but that's down to personal preference more than anything else.
Text doesn't convey as much information and the synchronous aspect makes it much more interesting.
We're a Mumble crew though but that's down to personal preference more than anything else.
Yup. Digital communication is fine to set up real communication, but it's like fast food-- cheap, fast, convenient, but not very nourishing. Even us introverts need real conversations. Was talking to a bunch of people a year or two ago, and we were all complaining about this problem, so much that I started The Reconnection Challenge.
It's been great just talking to people. At first it seems slower, but there's actually so much more information transfer by voice (or in person). Who knew? ;)
(https://www.mimiran.com/the-reconnection-challenge)
It's been great just talking to people. At first it seems slower, but there's actually so much more information transfer by voice (or in person). Who knew? ;)
(https://www.mimiran.com/the-reconnection-challenge)
As a fellow introvert I must disagree: I dread speaking to people. I have a strong preference for text communication. When I am forced into a video meeting I minimize the video, prefer to just listen.
YMMV, of course, but I thought I was the same way. Then I realized that I like having some conversations but not others. But I would get put into the conversations I didn't like, which made me retreat to recharge and not get as many of the conversations I do like. So I decided to be more proactive about having conversations with people I want to talk to, about stuff I want to talk about, and find I enjoy those conversations a lot.
One problem with phone calls: you have no digital record.
Perhaps someone could start a business by archiving phone calls in text form and making them searchable.
Perhaps someone could start a business by archiving phone calls in text form and making them searchable.
I assumed that's what google voice would do eventually.
Maybe a dumb question, but is this legal?
Depends on the locale. California requires two-party consent to record a telephone call; other jurisdictions do not.
[deleted]
At least in my line of work, the utility of the telephone is one-sided and the utility is not on my side. It allows any random jackass to force me to drop whatever I was doing and remotely stand over my shoulder breathing into my ear while they wait for me to look into their problem.
I wish there was a chat similar to slack but instead of text you just posted video snippets back and forth (translation provided for search ability).
That would keep things async but would allow me to read people’s expressions and their tone of voice.
That would keep things async but would allow me to read people’s expressions and their tone of voice.
Marco Polo is another somewhat popular app for this.
Is this sarcasm? That sounds a lot like snapchat.
Or just sending videos via SMS instead of text.
Or just sending videos via SMS instead of text.
They won't pick up because of all the spam calls people get.
Some people don't even check their voicemail these days because their phone has a scary number next to the icon, and they don't want to listen to all of it.
Some people don't even check their voicemail these days because their phone has a scary number next to the icon, and they don't want to listen to all of it.
I think one of the oddest things is getting text about people who have passed away. In the past this seemed to be something so sacred you did it in personal, or at the worst, with a phone call. In the past few years I've gotten text about old roommates and liver failure or suicides and I'm guilty of forwarding on the information in the same medium.
I just kinda accept it, but maybe I shouldn't ...
I just kinda accept it, but maybe I shouldn't ...
Got a simpler phone to force me to call others more often. Plus the phone does not have enticing apps so I waste less time.
Phone calls are awful. I can't understand your speech. Don't make me risk answering a phishing call just so that I have to ask you four times to repeat what you're saying because you're foreign, you have a shitty microphone, or somewhere some telecom decided to downsample the audio quality.
I find it hard to have meaningful text conversations, but I also think phone calls are super intrusive. So I'll schedule calls or video. It sounds like a lot of ceremony, but I like specifically dedicating time to build relationships with people, so I think it's perfect.
Make appointments if you need to interact for reasons other than to stay in touch with family and close friends. Technology makes this easy. Otherwise, phone calls should be a backup if scheduled interactions fail.
If I want to talk with somebody, I'll do it face to face. Most people aren't worth that kind of effort, and text/email is all they deserve.
No thank you.
I have always (well, post-teenage years) hated talking on the phone. Before cellphones, though, there was no other option. When the ability to communicate with people while escaping the tyranny of phone calls came around, it was a serious and dramatic improvement.
> Smartphones feel terrible to hold to your ear for more than a few minutes, but they make up for poor ergonomic design with one key feature: speakerphone.
Especially not this. When I'm talking to someone on the phone, if they're using a speakerphone the whole experience is an order of magnitude worse.
I have always (well, post-teenage years) hated talking on the phone. Before cellphones, though, there was no other option. When the ability to communicate with people while escaping the tyranny of phone calls came around, it was a serious and dramatic improvement.
> Smartphones feel terrible to hold to your ear for more than a few minutes, but they make up for poor ergonomic design with one key feature: speakerphone.
Especially not this. When I'm talking to someone on the phone, if they're using a speakerphone the whole experience is an order of magnitude worse.
Wow, she sounds annoying.
> “You can’t just say, ‘Oh, that generation sucks’ and then just throw out a generation.”
We did it with boomers, so why not millennials?
We did it with boomers, so why not millennials?
I took the hint. Think about that... a 77-year old was lecturing me to use the newer fangled texting technology.
In addition to the convenience of multitasking, the issue is that robocalls have made everyone wary of answering their phones.
ETA: forgot to add some color context. My personal rule is to never call anybody and only text. I only made an exception for the 77-year friend because I thought she was "old school" and would prefer a real phone call. I was proven wrong. I still chuckle about not seeing how pervasive the norms can change.